I have such a big heart.

I called the nurse promptly when the phones opened at about 8:30:01. Turns out that while my tubes are clear, I have a bicornuate uterus, also known as heart-shaped. This can increase your chance of miscarriage and pre-term labor. So when I do get pregnant (it takes a lot of guts to say "when") I will have to be very closely monitored.

The nurse did say that they have several patients who also have fucked up mutant parts, and have had uneventful pregnancies. And I know that my dad's sister has a heart-shaped uterus - she had two boys with no problems and didn't even find out until she had her hysterectomy.

So I'm not too upset about the news. I mean I have to get pregnant first, then I'll worry about staying pregnant. Of course it sucks that yet another part of me is abnormal. The freakishness couldn't have stayed confined to my ovaries. I wonder what other parts of me are the wrong shape?

In IUI #1 news, I had a monitoring appt today, at the hospital instead of Dr. Lovely's office (damn NYE) and had one 11 mm follicle on my right and nothing impressive on my left (biggest was 9 mm). The u/t said my right ovary had 11 follicles and my left had a bunch too, but I think she might not realize I have poly cystic ovaries.

It only takes one, right?

I can't take any bad news on NYE

I just woke up from a nap and had a voicemail from Dr. Lovely's office. The nurse had a weird tone of voice and said she needed to go over my HSG with me. She gave me the office number twice and said to call promptly at 8:30 tomorrow morning and tell them I was returning a call and they'd put me right through.

Seriously, what could be wrong? I saw the dye spill out both tubes with my own eyes. I wish I hadn't listened to that voicemail because now I'm going to have a miserable night wondering what they need to "go over" with me. : (

Good fertile friends

The following email I just got from a friend took my breath away. Sometimes I forget how nice fertile people can be when they try:

I am SO excited about the IUI ! As usual, I'll be sending prayers your way. And the support group sounds awesome-- there's nothing better than experiencing a situation with people who have been through all stages of the same situation. 2011 sounds like it is starting off so great and I cannot say enough how excited I am for you! 

I have to tell you this... I was swept into the idea of pregnancy by believing that I indeed was pregnant... just a bunch of random symptoms have been going on- my breasts have been ridiculously tender, I've been feeling very fatigued, random cramping, backaches, frequency in urinating (like once every hour- if not twice an hour), etc... and since I've gotten off the pill, I can't quite figure out when my period is going to be and it's been over 6 weeks since the last one. So anyway, I was pretty convinced and although we're not out right trying, I was so excited at the thought. Long story short, I just took a test and it came up negative. And I swear it did it in a very mocking sort of way--- like the quickest result probably every created (less than 2 seconds). And I sat there for way past 2 minutes staring at it wishing that it would become a cross instead. And afterwards I just felt so sad- heartbroken actually- and felt like I could barely breathe. I've just been so convinced for the past couple of weeks that it was true. I was planning out creative ways to tell our families and everything. Ugh. And I can't even imagine doing more of these and seeing the negative sign again... it was such a terrible feeling. So I've said it before but I'll say it again... you have to be one of the strongest and bravest women I've ever known. I know what I experienced today isn't even close to what you've gone through and I can't even imagine... I just really really admire you.  

So on that note, I just wanted to wish you an amazing start to 2011 and again to let you know that you'll be in my prayers. I can't wait to see what comes your way this year and I'm so thankful to be a friend of yours so I can witness it as it comes.

ALL CLEAR

First of all, let me say that the HSG hurt like a motherfucker. I think they got the custodian to do it because that dude was not a doctor. He couldn't find my cervix and had to use the speculum two (or three?) times. The catheter hurt, he said I was having a uterine spasm, I don't know if he made that up or what but something went wrong. Ouchity ouch ouch.

As I lay there crying and in the most pain I've had in years, I thought two things to myself:

1) Jesus, I hope the IUI doesn't hurt like this, and
2) How in the world am I going to have a BABY?

thoughts?

PS all tubes are clear, I saw the proof with my own two tearful eyes. Cramps are gone and I'm home to sleep it off.

Christmas in review

Christmas weekend is over and I only had a total of ONE meltdown. Can you believe it?!

A's family's Christmas Eve celebration was just over two hours away from home. We drove 45 minutes to his parents' house and rode the rest of the way with them. All was fine, we visited and ate, etc. I was a little homesick. This is only the third Christmas that I've spent away from my family on Christmas Eve and it's still a little hard for me.

The drive back to A's parents' house was uneventful, but once we got into our car to go home, the drama began. The roads were awful. We had to go 35 mph on the interstate and there were cars in the ditch. I couldn't conceive of us possibly getting to my parents' the next day for Christmas (an hour and a half away). So the tears started.

So there I was, driving home from Christmas Eve, crying because all I wanted was to spend Christmas with my family.

Of course, the roads were MUCH better the next morning and we made it there with no problems. But it pretty much felt like the end of the world on Christmas Eve night.

My dad's side of the family handled everything very well, infertility-wise. My dad's twin sister had similar issues (albeit 25 years ago) and she got pregnant through IUI. She pulled me aside to ask how things were going and was excited to hear that we have one of our own underway. There was also a VERY heavy implication during the prayer about how we all could have our wishes granted in 2011. My mom's side said nothing but that's to be expected.

I love my family to death and I wouldn't trade them for the world. But sometimes I wonder how on earth I share genetic material with them. My grandpa got Glenn Beck's book for Christmas and proclaimed him "my hero". There was talk of SARAH PALIN for Christ's sake. Her book AND her TV show. Anyway, they're very different from me, but I love them regardless, and I guess that's what family means.

It's also worth mentioning this was the first Christmas of my entire life that I didn't go to mass. Ostensibly the weather prevented us from traveling there on Christmas Eve. But really, I can't show my face in the Catholic church anymore. It's been years since I could feel comfortable being there, and it was all kind of a sham anyway. There's really no point in going to church just once a year.

Next up: a week of vacation, lots of fun plans, an HSG, and a quiet NYE.

Cleared for IUI #1...so far

That's right, we're in the clear but not 100%. I have a bunch of paraovarian cysts that won't go away, but apparently those are outside the ovary and won't be aggravated by the clomid. But the ultrasound tech didn't feel comfortable making that call on her own, so she had to consult the doctor, who was out delivering babies (of course). So a few hours later we found out we are indeed okay to medicate and proceed with this cycle.

I asked about having an HSG since my handy Resolve fact sheet said it was a recommended procedure before IUI. They were surprised I hadn't had one yet, so I'm going in next Wednesday to have that. Luckily I already have next week off and I had no plans on Wednesday.

Does this hurt? They are giving me antibiotics and pain medicine to take an hour before the procedure, so I think I should be okay. I'm most worried about the antibiotic because I tend to have pretty severe stomach issues on antibiotics.

So as long as they don't find that my uterus is shaped like a butterfly or something then we're good to go!

CD1

Hello Aunt Flo. You arrived just in time for the holidays!

I have an appointment at 11:30 tomorrow morning to make sure that damn cyst is gone for good. I'm thinking that the chances of it hanging out through 21 days of BCP are pretty slim, right?

Also, kudos to me for asking for BCP. That cycle only lasted 25 days!! None of this "wait till day 40 for your period" business in this family.

This means IUI #1 is officially under way!

PS- Am I a total nerd because I will most likely print out this sheet to take with me to my appointment?

Starting a Resolve support group!

I have had the most incredible lazy Sunday. I've gotten stuff done around the house, read a chunk of my book, and it has been relaxing. Even though I am completely apathetic about sports of any kind, and so is A, I have had football on all day. I can't tell you who it is playing or what the score is or anything about the game, but the lull of football game noises remind me of lazy weekends growing up at my parents' house. A is out and would never want football to be on all day so it's been nice : )

Anyway, I didn't write this post to talk about my football non-watching!

I officially got the go-ahead from the Resolve folks to start an Infertility Support Group here. I am SO excited. I'm hoping to get it started the second week of January. I plan to use an afternoon of my week off after Christmas to hang fliers at the OBGYNs and mental health professionals here in town.

The fliers will only be up about two weeks before the first meeting. I'm fully prepared for no one to show up in January, and maybe even February. But I hope by March I'll have a good group of people.

I live in a "twin cities" of sorts, with a combined population of around 120,000 people. And there are a ton of "bedroom" communities around here that aren't included in that number. There's no reason for there not to be a group like this here! I'm astonished that this will be the first one (and trust me, if there were one already, I'd know about it. I needed it desperately this summer!).

The only hiccup I'm having is that it's a lot harder than I thought it would be to find a location. I really had hoped to reserve a community room somewhere - a library, city hall, a hospital, etc. That doesn't seem to be working out, for various reasons. I am EXTREMELY reluctant to have it at a place of worship, for reasons I don't need to go into.

I've decided if I haven't found somewhere by this weekend (Christmas), I will just hold the group at a coffeehouse for the first 6 months. If that doesn't seem to be working out, maybe an alternative will have cropped up by then.

A Panera or someplace like that isn't ideal because there's not much privacy. But I'm planning to have the group after dinner-time, so it's not like it will be packed. Obviously a private room would be better but I think this is a good back up plan.

Any thoughts? Would you attend a support group at a Panera?

Sad because my friends are normal.

I have a friend. We’ll call her J. J and I have been close friends for two years and known each other for five. This year, things have gotten a bit strained. I feel like I am going through something really hard and since she knows about it, I get frustrated that she so often needs me to help her with problems. I have no patience or compassion for snarky co-worker drama or things of that nature. I wish that she could understand that it’s hard enough to keep a friendship together through infertility without one friend being needy.

Anyway, I try not to let it show because J doesn’t know any better, having never gone through infertility herself. But this fall she emailed me asking about HPTs and OPKs and what brand to buy and it was all too much. I had to open up and tell her that I can’t talk to her about their TTC journey because mine is too raw. I told her how broken and alone this makes me feel and that the idea of her TTC makes it worse. So we don’t talk about this subject.

That was a few months ago and it appears to have worn off. Yesterday she mentioned in an email (in code words) that it sure is hard to rally and have baby-making sex on the nights you don’t want to. I didn’t want to talk about it but today she said something again, about how she’s cranky because she’s tired (implying that she was up trying to make a baby) and that her husband is annoyingly chipper with daily sex.

I am ashamed to admit how much it hurts to think of them TTC. It hurts me to think that they get to try like normal people. No popping pills and constant probing at the doctor’s office like A and I do. No injections or painful procedures like other people have to do. Just regular old sex (which she has the audacity to complain to me about) and then POAS at home. I have never ever gotten to do that because my cycles have never been regular enough.

We started TTC a year ago, when J was still “definitely not ready”. How is it fair that she will most likely end up having her baby before I do? I was ready first. That is not how it’s supposed to work. Why do I have to wait?

I feel so hurt from these two innocent emails. And I am spiraling, telling myself what a bad person and friend I am. I want to cry for the TTC journey that other people have that I don’t. I want to cry for the bad friend that infertility has turned me into. I want to cry simply because I want to cry, and deep down I don’t want to be a sad person, I want to be a happy person. And I want to cry because I’m not that person who I want to be. Infertility has robbed me of that.

The day that she tells me she is pregnant I will have to crawl into bed and cry for hours. I honestly don’t know how I will be able to take that news without being devastated. I feel like I have been punched in my stomach just thinking about it.

A year of infertility in review: 2010

January: Naively thought I ovulated like a normal person my first month off the pill. My first ever BFN. Waiting for my period, but it’s late and not for the good reason.

February: Wondering what’s going on. No period for a long time now. OBGYN tells me to call back in April if no period.

March: Took a week off work and it was lovely. Spent a night in Chicago with my hubby. Tried not to think about my MIA period.

April: Still no period. OBGYN prescribes Provera. I am told it will regulate my cycles, so I pee on OPKs for 10 days until I get something that looks like a positive. Lots of S-E-X. Cycle lasts 45 days. Finally get an appt with OBGYN to see WTF is going on.

May: Diagnosed with PCOS. Upset but hopeful. OBGYN tells me that with the help of Metformin and clomid, I will be pregnant by Christmas. Took a trip to California, it was AWESOME.

June: A horrible month. Depressed, feeling isolated and hopeless. The Metformin makes me sick almost daily and is not regulating my cycles as promised. Looking around wildly for an infertility support group but can’t find one anywhere. Trying not to look as depressed as I feel as I attend three weddings and a family reunion.  Have a little fun despite myself.

July: My birthday. Month two of Metformin, finally stopped feeling sick.

August: Month three of Metformin. Still no cycle. Our second wedding anniversary. Never thought on my wedding day I’d be childless on my second anniversary. Took a weekend trip to Chicago with a friend, had a great time.

September: Finally on to the next step since the Metformin did jack squat for me. 50 mg of clomid and a discouraging ultrasound when I found out that I didn’t respond. Was sad for a few days and then recovered. Was thrilled when AF arrived without Provera for the first time in 9 months!

October: Switched OBGYNs to Dr. Lovely. EXCELLENT idea. Start 100 mg of clomid with much more monitoring and general competence. First confirmed ovulation in 10 months. Finally get to do a trigger shot, timed intercourse, and progesterone suppositories.

November: BFN. Happy Thanksgiving. Next cycle cancelled due to cyst. Huge sperm scare. Hubby is depressed for two weeks before we find out we have nothing to worry about (hopefully).

December: Looking forward to a January 2011 IUI! Plans are in the works to start a RESOLVE.org Peer-Led Support Group in my area. I am amazed at how far I have come and how much better I have gotten at dealing with anxiety and disappointment. My marriage is stronger than it’s ever been. I did not get pregnant this year but I succeeded in many other ways. I am hoping that 2011 will be my year.

Planning ahead!

One of the hardest things about infertility is planning for the future. I am going on a cruise to the Caribbean in early March. Yay!! I’m so excited about it, as A and I have not been on a vacation together since our honeymoon!

We are stopping in three ports and the excursions look awesome! Horseback riding in the ocean! Snorkeling! Clear Kayaks! Glass Bottom Boats! Of course, if I get my wish and get pregnant from the January IUI, I won’t be doing any of these and will be opting for the excursions that include guided walking tours and bus drives through the city.

We are traveling with another couple and I feel bad making them wait until late January when we know the results of the IUI to book the excursions. And if we don’t get pregnant in January we will hopefully have a February cycle we can pin our hopes on. I could be like 3 weeks pregnant on our cruise if we conceive in February.

What am I supposed to do, POAS the night before we leave and book our excursions based on the results? I am a planner, damnit! I want to decide this stuff now! I’m impatient and I want to know if I should be daydreaming about snorkeling or walking around looking at ruins and architecture. Either is fine. I just want to know now!

Hey, it's hard work getting pregnant, too.

I realized today that I have one week of BCP left before I start the placebos. How did that happen? It doesn’t seem that long ago that I was upset that this cycle was cancelled. I guess all the worrying about A’s sperm made the time go by quickly! (Thanks honey!)

So by my crude calculations, I can anticipate my IUI being sometime around January 5. Eek! That is super soon!

I am extremely fortunate to have a flexible work environment. I can come and go as I need to for monitoring appts, use my lunch break, etc, and my boss is very understanding. Here’s my question. I am using PTO to take off the week between Christmas and New Years. So on January 3, I will have just returned from a 10-day absence (10 days including the company holidays and weekends in between).

I had always thought I would take the day off if I had an IUI and use it as an excuse to relax. However, I won’t need much relaxing because I will have just had vacation. Plus, how crappy is it to ask my co-workers to cover my work for a whole week and then take a day off the week I come back?

On the other hand, my “back up” at work knows the basics of what I am going through and is very supportive and sweet. Not to mention, I have done my share of covering for her, considering I’ve worked here for two years and in that time she has taken two 12-week maternity leaves (but I’m not bitter about her fertility…).

I have a cushy desk job where I will be mainly sitting all day. My work is not stressful.

What would you do?

Take the day off to sleep in and focus on creating an embryo?

Take an extended lunch break and come back to work all knocked up with my hubby’s sperm?

Or maybe compromise, try to schedule the IUI for after noon, and take a half day?

Help!

Snowed in.

I don't have anything to say but I've got to get that awful last post off the top of my blog!

The hubs and I are snowed in today. It's awful out. I couldn't be happier. My dearest friend got me Glee Season 1 on DVD for Christmas and I have a giant stack of library books. My warm house is very welcoming today. It has been and will continue to be a lovely Sunday.

A and I should not be trusted with Christmas presents this early in the season, we have already gotten bored and exchanged two gifts. Haha.

Anywho, just wanted to tell you it has been a happy weekend. : )

Well I’ll be Good God Damned.

Edit: I’m sorry this post is so “poor me”. I was fresh off a fight with my hubby about my attitude, which ironically always makes my attitude worse. I think we have smoothed things over. I also spoke to Dr. Lovely’s office who wants to move straight to IUI next cycle. So my lamenting about clomid was pointless anyway. I just hope A is okay with the idea of IUI.

We had our appt with the urologist today. Yesterday A went to the local hospital lab to provide his third SA. This one was a little different because it wasn’t analyzed by Dr. Lovely’s OBGYN office, and was apparently more thorough. Also, A collected at the facility instead of doing it at home and driving the specimen into town (20-30 minutes).

Well apparently that made all the difference. Results were 100% normal. Motility at 60% -- the low end of normal but not what we thought we were dealing with. Everything else perfectly in the normal range. Morphology results pending. The urologist said everything looked great and he can’t explain the two previous horrible results. He did a quick exam and said A has very mild varicocele on the left side but it shouldn’t be anything to worry about.  

So it’s very, very good news but I am surprisingly numb. Now I am looking at hopping back on the train in January with more clomid cycles. This is what I wanted just a few weeks ago. I don’t know why I can’t be happy about it.

It’s just that for a while A and I were on the same team. A damaged, depressed, heartbreaking team for sure. But we were solidly there together. Now, we have already moved back to the place where I’m the bummed out infertile and he’s the one telling me to stop being so negative. I don’t know how to make him see that I am being as positive as I possibly can. I am trying to do this thing as well as I humanly am able.

I was depressed about A’s supposed diagnosis, but I was also looking forward to pulling out the big guns and heading to IVF. Now we’re back with stupid clomid and intercourse, which in my heart of hearts I don’t believe will work. It feels like a waste of time. And what if I have to do two more cycles of clomid and take a break each time because of cysts, like this time? I don’t want to drag this thing out. I asked A if we could head straight to IUI but he doesn’t want to. I just feel like the ups and downs, the hormones, and the heartache of clomid isn’t worth it for the slight chance it will work.

I guess I can’t blame him for calling me negative.

The plan sucks.

The newest thing I love about infertility:

When someone asks you how treatment is going and you say “It’s not going well at all. It’s been very hard on me and on A.” but you spare them the gory details. They are kind, well-meaning and empathetic. All seems to be going well until they say those dreaded words…

“You know, God has a plan.”

Really? Well I don’t think he has one for me, because I don’t even know that I necessarily believe in him. I believe in something but I sure as heck don’t believe in a Christian God, the one I was raised to believe in. I have tried to believe in him but I just don’t. Kind of like how I have tried to not have PCOS but I just do.

Also, if GOD has a PLAN I think the plan SUCKS!

Support from a friend

Most of my friends know that I am struggling with infertility. Depending on how much they care, ask, or seem to know about the situation in general, they know varying degrees of information. For instance, it helps if they know basic things like you have to ovulate to get pregnant, etc. I have found it’s easier for me to be out of the closet.

I only have one friend who knows pretty much everything. Ironically, she’s not even my closest friend, but she works with me and therefore we see each other the most. She had no problems reproducing herself (she got pregnant with her first on the BCP for Christ’s sake), but she has had several friends who have struggled with infertility. So she has been thoroughly vetted and would never tell me to “just relax”. She also has a daughter with spina bifida, so she has been on the receiving end of bad medical news.

Last week she sent me this email because she knew I was upset by A’s test results (I’ve changed all the names). I am thankful that I have a friend who supports me so thoroughly, and though it wasn’t written to any of you specifically, I know that she would tell you all the same thing. So, because we all need a few words of encouragement, I will share with you.

PS the quote she mentioned that I put on my facebook is “And there’s always retrospect, when you’re looking back, to light a clearer path. Every five years or so I look back on my life and I have a good laugh.”

I wanted to get you a card today, but the timing didn't work out this morning, and so I thought, "Well, I should just wait until I can get her a card" but really, it's the words that matter more than a cute card with flowers on it, so instead you get an email. :-)

I just wanted to tell you again how sorry I am that things did not go as you had hoped yesterday. You seem to be handling it amazingly well, but I know it was yet another disappointment to both of you. Just keep your focus on what's in your heart and you will get there. I really liked the Indigo Girls quote you had on FB yesterday about looking back in 5 years. It is so true. I think that all the time about Elizabeth. When we first got the news, we were devastated and sure the world was collapsing around us. Just a year after that first diagnosis, I remember looking at her and thinking "She is here, she is doing great, she is as healthy as we could hope for, and I never could have imagined feeling this good about it all a year ago".

You will get to that point, too. In five years, your life will be so different from how it is today, in ways you can't even imagine. There are so many ways to become a mother, and the "traditional" route is just one of many. However you and your child come to each other, you will know that things happened exactly as they were meant to, because they brought you to YOUR child. Not just "a child" but your child, the one that belongs to you, and that you belong to. And you wouldn't have had that same child if things had been different. Call it fate, destiny, God, whatever your spiritual beliefs are, I truly believe that you will end up with the child that was meant to be yours.

You guys will get there, and you will realize that it couldn't have happened any other way. You and A are going through something most people don't have to deal with, and it will make you stronger as a couple. John and I look at other couples bickering, and sniping and we just think "You have no idea. You have no idea how little you have to complain about, yet you can't be happy with what you have"- we are a stronger couple for going through our journey together and it has built a faith in each other that we wouldn't have had otherwise. We've been through some pretty sh*tty things, and we are still together. We sometimes joke that we went through about 30 years worth of marriage stress in the first five years of our marriage. We both know that the other one is in it for the long haul and didn't bail out when things got tough. You and A are learning that about each other now, and your marriage will be stronger for it.

Any time you need to talk, or vent, or cry, I am here for you.

I hope you have a great day today!!!

Update and Wicked

Hello everyone. I really appreciate the love, support and advice left in the comments on my last post. A and I are doing surprisingly well. In fact, I don’t know if we have ever felt closer or loved each other more than we do right now. This horrible situation is bringing us together, which I am thankful for. However, I do wish it could have been a stunning vacation or something more pleasant that could have done the trick.

This week is a long waiting game until Friday when we meet with the local urologist. I haven’t decided what to call him here because his real name is so hilarious it’s hard to top. I looked him up online and he looks handsome. It will be interesting to get men playing at this game, so far I have only dealt with women.

Although I would never have wished this on A, it’s a relief to know this appointment on Friday doesn’t hinge on me. Not that there’s ever anything I can do, logically, to control the outcome of my own bloodwork, sonograms, etc, but with issue being in someone else’s body, this is seriously out of my control.

I guess the worst news we could hear is that even IVF w/ICSI won’t work and that we had better start the grieving process for a biological child of our own and look into adoption. Somehow I don’t think it will be that simple though. I really don’t know what to expect.

In other news, this weekend I went to see Wicked and I picked up the book to read. I feel a special kinship with Elphaba. Not that I’m green (although you wouldn’t know, would you, never having seen a photo of me?). But I can relate to her in other ways. Misunderstood, always acting with the best intentions that seem to backfire, etc. I think if she were real we could be the best of friends. I especially like these lines she sings:

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Much love.

repeat SA

The results were bad again. A's sperm don't move at all. They are either dead or completely still.

We have an appointment next Friday with a urologist to determine if this is treatable.

I am sad for what this means for us, but my heart really breaks for my sweet husband. I have never seen him so crushed.

If anyone has any experience with this, we could really use some information. We don't know what kind of questions to expect or what kind of tests might be run. Dr. Google isn't much help, as it seems this condition is pretty rare.

Just call me Poly-freakin-anna

There are lots of bad things about sitting this cycle out. Namely, that I hate waiting and that the idea of twiddling my thumbs for an entire month makes me want to barf with anxiety and impatience. But I am trying to force myself to look at the good things, so here they are.

1)      I get to go on my Lulu-only trip next weekend. When my period arrived I thought I would have to cancel it because it falls on CDs 14-16. But that doesn’t matter now!

2)      If we get bad news at the repeat SA tomorrow, at least we have a grace period with which to deal with it.

3)      I will not be mired in the miserable 2ww during Christmas, like I had planned.

4)      I took the week off between Christmas and New Years and now I can be drunk pretty much the whole time if I choose.

5)      No messy progesterone pills. I hate those freakin things.  

That’s really all I can think of. Honestly, the bad still outweighs the good, but I suppose the consolation prizes aren’t awful.

I was understandably upset when I left the doctor’s office yesterday, but my mind was going 100 mph on my drive back to work. They told me to wait until CD40 for my period to arrive, and if it hadn’t started I’d get provera. By the time I got back here I had decided to call and ask for a pack of BCP. CD40 is sometime in January and I wasn’t willing to wait that long, only to have to wait 5-6 more days after I start the Provera. They agreed to give me the BCP and now I at least know I’ll start within 30 days.

I haven’t let myself think too much about what this says about me…that I am absolutely unwilling to have an unmedicated cycle.

I am holding my breath until A’s test tomorrow. It’s at 10:15. I took the morning off so we could sleep in together, I can warm up the car while he’s doing his thing, and I can be absolutely positive that the sample stayed as warm as it possibly could. We are going to stay there to hear the results together. I feel nauseous just thinking about it.

Clomid #3 = cancelled

14 mm cyst on right ovary.

Fuck.

Meltdown City.

Today I had a Grade A, Four-Alarm, All Points Bulletin meltdown. I melted down like I have rarely melted down before.

It started when I fucked up a recipe and had to throw it all out, all because I didn't read carefully enough. Then it turned into all the things I have done wrong in the past week (broke a dish, misplaced two credit cards, neglected my dog so that he ate yet another pair of my shoes [that's four if you're playing along at home], managed to mess up cooking those mashed potatoes that you literally just have to steam in the microwave [forgot they have to steam in the bag and opened them], etc etc etc).

Then it got global (I can't do anything right, I fuck everything up, I'm just a huge screw up, I'm a waste of space).

Followed closely by a huge dish of low self-esteem (I'm ugly, I'm fat, my acne is never going to go away, how can you even look at me?).

Also the typical "I'm a horrible wife" lamenting (all I do is bitch at you, we don't have sex as much as you'd like, I don't deserve you, you're probably going to leave me).

But that was all just a long, drawn out warm up. The tears really started flowing as we reached the crescendo:

And I just can't get pregnant. It's the easiest thing in the world and even crackheads can do it. I thought I'd be pregnant by Christmas and I won't be and I swear to god if I am not pregnant by next Christmas I will seriously lose my mind. Why is life so unfair? I want a baby SO BAD (literally choking on sobs at this point).

I threw in just a bit of philosophy before it was all over (and who could believe in a god that would be this cruel, keeping a baby from a couple who wants it so badly and would love it so much?)

All the while my sweet husband hugged me, and held me, and reassured me, and loved me in a way only a truly good man could love a truly insane woman.

I forgot, but have been reminded twice in the last few days, about the crying hangover. After a serious cry, like the kind in the conference room at work on Wednesday and the one today, I have a lingering, dull headache and I feel exhausted. Crying drains me of all of my energy. I haven't had a cry hangover for years and I forgot all about them.

Really, it's amazing that this meltdown stayed away for so long. I hope it's a long time before the next one.

CD1

That's right, my period finally started today. Welcome to clomid #3. Well, as long as my hubby has viable sperm.

A and I have been trying to stay strong about the results of his SA on Wednesday. I won't lie, I was terrified when we first got the news and I had to leave my desk to go cry in a conference room at work. But I was able to compose myself. We have decided to believe that it was the cold weather. To be fair, it was below freezing that day and A wasn't great at keeping the cup warm while he walked to the car, scraped the windshield, etc. It's very possible, probable in fact, that the weather is what killed all the sperm.

The statistics are comforting. Necrozoospermia (dead sperm) is very rare from what Dr. Google has told me. It's common to have dead sperm in a sample, but not for ALL of them to be dead. So the odds are on our side.

Thanksgiving was actually really good, and I spent all day today shopping and decorating my house. I'm so thankful for the busy holiday weekend. If I were working these four days I'd spend all my time googling and driving myself crazy with worry. I only have Monday and Tuesday to do that!

Here's to nice, living sperm on Wednesday.

Sigh.

A had his SA today. His numbers looked great except for one tiny problem…all of his sperm were dead.

The nurse said it could be because the weather is so cold here today. Freezing rain, wind, and such. He “collected” the sample at home and drove it into town, so it might have had the opportunity to get too cold. We are re-testing next Wednesday.

I have some hope that this test was a fluke, but this is still pretty devastating to me. I wanted to hear that everything looked great. Suddenly the SA isn’t as funny as we thought it was over the weekend.

There is still a lot to be thankful for, don’t get me wrong. But my heart is heavy today.

Lessons learned, Clomid #2

Well I decided to make a list of things I’ve learned from this cycle, instead of just being bummed (for the second time) that it didn’t result in a pregnancy.

1. It makes a huge difference when you switch to a competent doctor’s office.
2. My period CAN choose to arrive without Provera. This was the first cycle all year, and hopefully next cycle will be the second.
3. I really don’t have many side effects from the clomid, except acne, which I have anyway. Sure, I’m kind of a bitch when I’m on it, but let’s be honest, I’m kind of a bitch all the time. I don’t have the maddening mood swings many women report – at least not on 50 or 100 mg.
4. Same with the progesterone. At least on the dosage I’m on, all I experienced was a handful of cystic bumps on my face. Occasionally I felt flushed, but it wasn’t major. No breast changes, and I kept up with my benefiber so I didn’t even get very constipated.
5. While I’m on a roll, I also had no side effects from the trigger shot. Apparently I am immune to hormones.
6. I don’t handle ambiguity well.
7. It is best to insert the progesterone seated, on the edge of the toilet. Twice I had to fish the damn thing out of the bowl and wash it off. Yuck.
8. Cramps. Do. Not. Mean. Anything.
9. When your husband worries aloud about the results of his upcoming sperm analysis, don’t just boldly proclaim “Well if anything’s wrong, we’ll just get a sperm donor.” With these types of decisions you’re supposed consider his input instead of just deciding on your own.
10. The only words to describe the two week wait are “Total Mindfuck”.
11. Depending on your emotional fragility, hormone fluctuation, and what’s going on that day, some things hurt a lot worse than a BFN. The day I fought with the pharmacy guy, then ended up with the wrong dose of clomid, got home and realized my dog had eaten my favorite shoe…that day was worse than both BFNs this cycle. Ditto to the day of the work-related pregnancy announcement. I was way more vulnerable and emotional mid-cycle than when the BFNs came around.
12. People do not understand.
13. My body responded to 100 mg of clomid.
14. Do not listen to your doctor’s office when they ask you not to test at home. If I had just tested yesterday morning, I wouldn’t have had to wait all morning, a bundle of exhausted nerves, feeling so anxious I thought I might get sick, only to hear my second BFN. This time around I will be purchasing bulk tests off the internet and testing to my hearts desire.

What have you learned this cycle?

BFN (again).

The blood test was negative. My hopes were dashed on Thursday and my false hopes were dashed today. It feels just as bad this time around.

I keep thinking about the stupid woman who checked me in at the lab this morning. Right before I sat down I asked to use the restroom. When I got back she gave me a peculiar look so I told her “I just keep thinking I’ll start my period and won’t have to have this blood test.” She asked how long I’d been trying and I said 11 months. She told me “Just stop trying, and it’ll happen.”

Actually, no it won’t. I don’t ovulate on my own so no amount of relaxing and being patient will do a damn thing. That’s why I’m here, because I have to have medical intervention. Do you think I want to be here? And I said that to her (well, not all of it, in a nice way and less colorfully).

I asked Dr. Lovely’s office about the possibility of Provera, but no dice. They told me it could take up to another two weeks for my period to start. I am so tired of waiting. Waiting for the diagnosis, waiting for the Metformin to work (it didn’t), waiting for my cycles to start (they don’t), waiting to take the clomid, waiting to find out if it worked (it didn’t…times two). Waiting for my body to confirm this latest disappointment.

I have spent all of 2010 waiting. 

At least the 2ww is over.

This might be a two post day.

Well I just had my blood drawn because my period is still MIA. It is CD32 and I got my trigger shot 17 days ago (so 16 dpo). The doctor’s office told me to expect my period by Friday, so I am officially considering it 3 days late.

I don’t have any pregnancy tests at home and I refuse to go buy them. I am trying to look at this blood test as a formality, although of course I’m getting excited deep down that maybe my BFN on Thursday was false. After all, I didn’t use FMU and it was only 12 dpo. Mainly, though, I’m concerned that I’m not pregnant and something went wrong with this cycle which is why I haven’t started yet.

I called A on my way to the hospital and bit his head off because he keeps telling me not to get my hopes up, and damnit, I can’t help it. My period is three days late. I’m excited.

Logically, I know that my last cycle lasted 33 days, so I shouldn’t even expect my period till Wednesday. But what was up with those cramps last week? And the last cycle (clomid #1) has proven an awful thing to compare to, considering I had weird ovulation symptoms on CD 24ish and the only monitoring appt I went to was on CD 11 when they told me the clomid didn’t work. So who knows.

I thought the 2ww was over, but it turns out it’s not. Luckily, Dr. Lovely sent me to the hospital for bloodwork, which means I should know the results this afternoon, as opposed to going to her office and finding out tomorrow.

Sorry for this rambling, incoherent post. Welcome to my head.

WTF

CD31, 15 dpo. I had cramps Wednesday-Friday and then they stopped.

Confused.

My Dear A

It has been an amusing couple of days. Even though I am still (impatiently) awaiting my period, I continue to consider this cycle a BFN...although on Monday if I still haven't started I might be wishing I had gone in for Friday bloodwork after all.

Anyway, yesterday I called and made A an appointment for an SA. We had agreed that if this cycle didn't work, he'd get tested during clomid #3. Although I know deep down he's a little terrified something might be wrong, we have had a lot of laughs about his upcoming appointment. Such as "Honey, you need to stop by Dr. Lovely's office to pick up your cup and your instructions." "Instructions? Has it changed since I was 12? Are there new, innovative ways of doing this?"

I just crack up thinking about how awkward he probably felt going to the OBGYN by himself. I can't quite explain to you why we find the whole thing so funny, but the laughs we have had over this have reminded me of what makes our marriage work: a healthy sense of humor, playful teasing, and a levity that keeps us from taking life too seriously.

I am thankful to have him in my life. I deeply wish to grow our family, but I am tremendously lucky to have him all to myself in the meantime.

PS Harry Potter was awesome.

Clomid #2 = BFN

I tested last night, at the end of 12dpo. After the day I had yesterday (going to the bathroom every 30 minutes to see if I had started, feeling exhausted and nauseous and headachy, freaking out endlessly about what it all meant), I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I waited until this morning.

It was a crystal clear negative.

So now I’m in plimbo, just waiting for my period to start. I am still taking the progesterone but I guess I should stop. Will it keep my period away even longer? But on the slimmest, tiniest offchance that the test was wrong, (foolish I know) I don’t want to regret stopping the progesterone. I don’t know what to do about that one and I can’t call my doctor to ask because I wasn’t supposed to test.

Hopefully I will start today because I am going to a party tonight and I’d very much like to have a drink.

I went to bed with a very heavy heart last night but the tears didn’t come, and that’s okay. I have decided to turn all of my focus to the upcoming holidays while I proceed with the next cycle. It is taking a lot of energy not to look at Christmas as a sick milestone – one year since we started, and in May my old OBGYN told me I’d be pregnant by Christmas. But I am absolutely enamored with Christmas so I refuse to let this garbage ruin it.

I have come up with an idea for future 2wws, by accident, and I thought I’d share. Remember how on Monday I said I was going shopping over my lunch hour? Well I went to Target and tried on about 15 tops (which is impressive since I get 30 minutes for lunch) but I didn’t like any of them. Then I went to Ann Taylor LOFT on Tuesday and Kohl’s on Wednesday. I didn’t have a lot of luck but I did find one sweater at Kohl’s I really liked. I didn’t buy it because it’s $30 and I’m generally a huge cheapskate. This morning I decided to go back and buy the sweater tomorrow as a BFN consolation prize.  

So I think that’s my plan for the next 2ww. I’ll spend the 2ww shopping until I find something I want – a necklace, a pair of shoes, a top, whatever. Then I won’t let myself buy it unless I get a BFN. I really like buying new things but I rarely let myself do it, so I’m hoping this will ease the pain of any future BFNs.

Here’s to a period filled weekend, hopefully. Oh, and Harry Potter : )

12 dpo and WTF is going on?

I cannot believe my period hasn’t started yet. I had cramps for about three hours yesterday, and these weren’t your run-of-the-mill half-imagined 2ww cramps. These were legit menstrual cramps. Not that painful, because my cramps are always mild (thank god), but definitely there.

As long as I have had my period, it has been the case that I get the cramps and I start within a couple of hours. Often, I notice the cramping and go immediately to the bathroom and I’ve already started. It’s very peculiar for me to have cramps and nearly 24 hours later…no period.

Also, when I got to my desk this morning I felt immediately nauseous. Not severe, but I definitely thought I might throw up for a few minutes. I ate some saltines, which helped a tiny bit, and I’m currently eating pretzels and drinking apple juice. It’s subsiding, but I still feel queasy. I think I probably just didn’t hydrate well enough with breakfast, or else my breakfast was too small to absorb my 2000 mg of Metformin. But I’ll be damned if the lack of AF + cramping + nausea isn’t getting me excited.  

Still no sore boobs, only one blue vein to be found. I’m trying to remind myself that I felt this way basically the entire month of June thanks to my dear friend Met.

If I’m not pregnant, I just really hope I start today. I don’t want to face a negative pregnancy test tomorrow morning.

Crossing fingers, toes, arms and legs.

Edit: It's now afternoon, the nausea has subsided, and the cramps have gotten worse. What a mindfuck!

The good, the bad, and the Lovely

Today is 11 dpo, CD 27, also known as the day I thought I would test back when this cycle started. I am not going to test today. I am going to test Friday morning, and I am 95% sure it will be negative.

But being 95% sure it’s going to be negative doesn’t mean you stop talking yourself into pregnancy symptoms. I am having some cramps – probably just my period coming, but a nagging little part in the back of my brain is hoping. This morning I downed a bunch of diet cherry 7up really fast with my pills. I felt like I was going to puke for about 30 seconds and got wildly hopeful, but then I let out a huge belch and realized it was just too much carbonation. : )

Maybe my period will come tomorrow and put me out of my 2ww misery. I would rather confirm this cycle is over that way than seeing a negative test on Friday.

I have this to say about the 2ww: the second week BLOWS. The first week, while not exactly pleasant, is kind of exciting in a perverted way. The second week is pure torture. I am obligated to tell you that I’m thankful for the 2ww because it means I ovulated, but that doesn’t mean I can’t complain about it, right?

I called Dr. Lovely’s office today, mainly just to have something to do. Have I told you how lovely they all are? The nurse called me back within 20 minutes (very prompt compared to my old OBGYN) and answered all of my questions thoroughly and patiently. I asked when I should expect my period and she said 2 weeks after the shot. I had been basing my cycle on last month’s and expecting it to last 33 days, but I guess that’s a pretty bad thing to do since that cycle was a bust and we didn’t get to TTC. If I don’t have my period by Friday, they’ll do a blood test, and Monday I could start Provera. But she doesn’t think I’ll need the Provera – most people start on their own at the end of a clomid cycle, so I hope that’s the case with me.

I also mentioned that I never had any ovulation symptoms after the shot and she said not to worry about that. She said many women don’t feel anything after the shot. Thank goodness, because I was starting to feel like a freak.

At this point it’s just more wait and see. It kind of goes hour-by-hour how okay I am with that.

sad for friends

Today I’m sad for others.

I get wrapped up in my own frustration, disappointment, and impatience with my lack of pregnancy, but the truth is I have not experienced true heartache yet. Searing disappointment and months of mind-numbing waiting, yes. But I am worlds away from the devastation that others feel, like what Roccie and Still a Guest Room are going through now.

When I first started reading infertility blogs, I mainly lurked in the archives of writers who had since gone on to become parents. It was still sad to read about their losses, but when it happened in 2006 it was a bit different. I had no idea how hard it would be to experience a positive pregnancy with a blog friend, real-time, and then read along as the pregnancy failed.

I hope that the aching of my heart can lighten your burdens in even the slightest way.

gut feeling = negative

I have never been pregnant, so I don’t know if you get a “gut feeling” that you’re pregnant. But I’m sad to say at 9dpo I have a gut feeling that I’m not.

Maybe I’ll be surprised. It’s still early, after all. It’s just that something has felt off ever since that trigger shot, when I didn’t feel any ovulation symptoms. I’m not so sure I ovulated like the doctor said I did. And I certainly haven’t had any promising cramps, spotting, breast tenderness, or feeling of activity down there.

I’m finding myself anxious to start a new cycle. This morning after hitting snooze I was lying there and I just felt sure that I was about to get my period. I was even surprised when I wiped and didn’t see anything. I think my mind is preparing my heart to see it.

I am certain that this cycle was a bust and I am just chomping at the bit to start the next two clomid cycles, and then on to IUI if those don’t work. Dear A has agreed to have our first SA if I am indeed not pregnant. He thinks I am just being negative, and maybe I am. But I am so in tune with my body that I just feel like it would tell me if I were pregnant. It’s being conspicuously silent.

Like I said…I hope I’m wrong. We decided to wake up early and test on Friday, before I go to work. We have an appointment that afternoon with our therapist, so hopefully that’s good timing.

I’m taking myself shopping over my lunch break.

HA! That's a laugh!

I am a bookworm, always have been. I love to read. So I had an hour to kill until A got home from babysitting last night, and I snuggled up on the couch with a book.

From page 7 (after a tangent about what it's like to be pregnant): "That's the strange thing about being a mother: Until you have a baby, you don't even realize how much you were missing one."

Riiiiiiight. Needless to say that book will be returned to the library unread. I spent the hour reading infertility blogs, instead.

Symptom Watch: nothing to report.

POAS dilemma (8dpo): slowly driving me insane.

*edited: I POAS. I'm glad I did. It was decisively negative. So the trigger shot is officially out of my system and I no longer have to fear a false positive. I don't think I will make an appt with the doctor. I can't bear the thought of getting the news at my desk at work, surrounded by fertile myrtles. The privacy of my home will work just fine.

Feeling better!

Not a lot to update, but as I promised to write every day this month, here I am.

7dpo and nary a symptom to be found. I'm a bit tired, but I kind of am every Saturday. I feel like A and I wasted our day because we just woke up from a three hour nap, but we both needed it. I have had brief sensation down there but nothing that clearly says "cramp", and I'm worried I'm heading into a no-man's land of constipation (thanks to the progesterone). I've been trying to be a good girl and take my Benefiber supplements but I don't think they're working!

I feel a lot better after Thursday night/Friday morning's rough spot. I'm in a better place, but I'm still glad I didn't agree to babysit. Instead, I'm going to my dear friend's house and we're going to have a Glee-a-thon or a Friends-a-thon or some other fun show, we haven't decided.

Still haven't decided what to do about POAS. I don't want to put myself through testing this weekend to see if the shot is out of my system. So there really is no good reason to POAS next Wednesday as planned - if I see a positive I'll be terrified that it's false, and if I see a negative I'll need the whole day to pick the little pieces of myself up off the ground.

I'm thinking of going in on Thursday (12dpo) for a blood test, if my doctor will even allow that -- I don't know if she will. I would go Friday (13dpo), but then I wouldn't get results till Monday. I will have to call and ask what they think. Although I don't know that I really want to get the call at work during the day on Friday and have to deal with the news that way, regardless of the result.

So yeah, not a lot going on here...just the same old mindfuck that is the 2ww : )

It hurts.

Disclaimer: what follows is self-indulgent, overwhelmingly negative, and pretty depressing. If you came here today for a fun little ray of sunshine, stop reading now!

Today I feel awful. Not physically, mind you – that would be exciting in a perverted way. Nope, today I feel like a truly awful person, and I’m also sad.

Remember how the other day I told you about A’s cousin (B) and his wife (S) and how I went to her baby shower a year ago this month and cried for two hours afterwards because I wanted to be pregnant and I wasn’t? Well A and B are pretty close, and though they live over an hour apart, they see each other every couple of months. B and S got married exactly one year before we did. At one point in 2009, A and B had a conversation about how both couples were getting ready to start TTC in August of 09. “How exciting!” A told me. “Maybe B and I can have kids at the same time and raise them together!” Riiiiiiight.

Well S went off BCP a few months before August, their TTC start date, and got pregnant immediately. Obviously, it didn’t work that way for us. Have I mentioned she’s about 8 years older than I am?

The last time the four of us hung out was in February when we went to visit the new baby. S said something about sending me her fertility vibes because they knew we were trying and she was just so super fertile (thanks so much, they’re obviously working). We invited them to our Halloween party but they declined.

Last night I was perusing facebook and noticed that the play B is directing opens this weekend. I was kind of surprised that they didn’t invite us to come see it – they have in the past. A couple of hours later, S called. Before A picked up the phone, I half jokingly said “No, we do not want to babysit”.

I was right, they wanted us to babysit. The worst part was that A wanted to and I just knew I couldn’t. He is such an adorable kid. Just thinking about spending a couple of hours with him, I felt the raw pain of wanting one of my own. Not to mention, they haven’t invited us to hang out with them in 9 months and now they call asking for a favor? And they knew back in February that we had been trying for a couple months. Shouldn’t they be sensitive enough to think that maybe we’re having trouble and don’t want to spend time with their baby?

What hurts more though, is that A wanted to go. He wanted to see them and see the baby. It hurts me that I can’t give him one of our own. It hurts me that I can’t be a cheery, happy, carefree wife and go babysit with him without letting it ruin my weekend as I know it would. It hurts me that I have to plan my life around things that don’t involve pregnancy and babies because it cuts me to the core. It hurts me that there are so many of us infertiles who have to poke and prod themselves, shoving pills “where the sun don’t shine”, waiting with bated breath through 2wws, suffering losses and setbacks and devastating BFNs. It hurts me that I am such a selfish, jealous person that I resent someone else’s blessings.

Symptom Watch 3-5dpo

First, you must picture the Symptom watch as a super enthusiastic team of newscasters, with cheesy music and some over-the-top logos. Think “election watch” or the “Santa watch” on Christmas eve. Like “dododododododo welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to tonight’s installment of SYMPTOM WATCH!” as the nation tunes in intently.

Well I have noticed a couple of interesting things but I’m not sure that they mean much. 3dpo (Tuesday), I got nauseous twice. Once around 3 pm which I dismissed as being due to the burrito I had for lunch. Once around 8:30 pm which I cured by eating saltine crackers. I also had a killer headache that day and was more tired than usual.

4dpo (yesterday) I felt great all day and around 8:30 pm started feeling some mild cramping. It was seriously mild, hardly uncomfortable at all, I might have not even noticed it if I hadn’t been lying very still on the couch reading a book at the time. It lasted about half an hour. I’m 100% positive this came from my uterus and not from gas or anything like that. I got really excited but I think now that it was way too early for implantation cramping. Implantation at 4dpo would make for one speedy little embryo, so I’m trying not to get my hopes up.

I keep telling myself that all of these things (cramps, headaches, fatigue, nausea) can just as easily be side effects from the millions of hormones I have been putting into my body, and not symptoms of pregnancy. Obviously, it’s too early to be feeling pregnancy symptoms, right? But I’m getting hopeful despite myself. I can picture the positive result on the HPT. I hope I’m not setting myself up for a giant letdown, but I think the positive attitude can only help. : )

A self-indulgent chronicle of a girl wanting a baby.

When I was a freshman in high school, I regularly babysat my band director’s kid. He was generally a pain in the butt (one time he opened up a PB&J sandwich and threw it at the wall – messy side out. It stuck good), and I did it for the money, not because of any deep bond between the two of us.

One day at marching band practice (shut up), the director’s wife came to drop something off and brought the little tike. He saw me from several yards away, and I saw his eyes light up as he mispronounced my name (which isn’t really Lulu, btw) and ran towards me, excited to see me. My stomach flip flopped over on itself. That was the first time I knew that my life would always lack something until I was a mom.

---

When I started my final semester of college, I panicked. I had planned to get my English degree and move to The Big City to work in the publishing industry. But I had been dating A for several months, and all of a sudden it became very clear that I didn’t want to live in The Big City. I wanted to settle down here and have a family. And I couldn’t do much with my English degree here.

So I decided I would keep going to school to get a second Bachelor’s degree in elementary education. I got a couple of jobs working with kids. They weren’t as fulfilling as I thought. That’s when I realized I didn’t want to work taking care of other people’s kids my own life…I wanted to have my own. I didn’t ever get that second Bachelor’s and I entered the work force instead…at a daycare taking care of infants.

---

Right before college graduation I had a LEEP. I had cervical dysplasia and I had gotten HPV from an ex-boyfriend. I was hopelessly in love with A at this time and saw my future with him laid out clearly in front of me. I was terrified that the HPV (which can swim right through condoms, goddamnit) and the LEEP would hurt our chances at having babies, and I was (understandably) terrified at having part of my cervix burned off. As they prepared me for the procedure, I was crying, and the nurse looked up at me and said “Lulu, do you want to have kids someday?” I started crying harder, said yes, and she said “this won’t have any effect on that.” (The procedure was a bitch and I had ashy, foul-smelling discharge for 6 weeks. Afterwards, they told me they forgot to prescribe Valium like they usually do. Damnit! But the dysplasia and the HPV are gone!)

---

When A and I got engaged, I told him I wanted to go off the pill right after the honeymoon. I wanted babies NOW and what if (god forbid) it took a while to get pregnant? He wasn’t flipped about that plan, and we agreed to wait till our first anniversary to start TTC. I grudgingly admitted that this was a good idea. I had a countdown on my laptop to when I could go off the pill.

---

The summer of our wedding (2008), A and I were at the pool. There was an adorable couple with a brand new baby. They were splashing his toes in the water and he was giggling. It was like a flippin’ Hallmark commercial. We weren’t married yet, but I yearned for a baby of my own, and seeing them made me sad for what I didn’t have yet. A comforted me: “In two years, you’ll be pregnant!”

---

Last November, I went to a baby shower for S, my husband’s cousin’s wife. I don’t have any problems with her, but we’re not friends. My one-year deadline had come and gone with A and we still weren’t TTC. I resented my job and the company I worked for because they didn’t provide good enough benefits to afford a pregnancy and delivery. I resented A’s job for working him the way they did without providing benefits. I was angry and bitter. I wanted it to be me having the baby shower, so badly that I could hardly fake a smile. I wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. I cried all the way home and berated myself for being a selfish, jealous woman…someone I did not want to be.

---

A year later, we have been TTC for 11 months, but I have desperately wanted a baby for much longer than that. When I started the TTC journey, I already had the feelings of jealousy and bitterness towards pregnant people. I already had the anxiety, the doubts, the frustrations…just not quite the same as they are currently. I know that I haven’t had a tragic or tough journey thus far. We haven’t experienced any losses and the procedures have been minimally invasive. But I was already fed up and impatient when I started. All of these memories are like bruises on my heart, and I don’t see them fading until we have a baby of our own.

These are the places my mind goes during the two week wait.