Well I’ll be Good God Damned.

Edit: I’m sorry this post is so “poor me”. I was fresh off a fight with my hubby about my attitude, which ironically always makes my attitude worse. I think we have smoothed things over. I also spoke to Dr. Lovely’s office who wants to move straight to IUI next cycle. So my lamenting about clomid was pointless anyway. I just hope A is okay with the idea of IUI.

We had our appt with the urologist today. Yesterday A went to the local hospital lab to provide his third SA. This one was a little different because it wasn’t analyzed by Dr. Lovely’s OBGYN office, and was apparently more thorough. Also, A collected at the facility instead of doing it at home and driving the specimen into town (20-30 minutes).

Well apparently that made all the difference. Results were 100% normal. Motility at 60% -- the low end of normal but not what we thought we were dealing with. Everything else perfectly in the normal range. Morphology results pending. The urologist said everything looked great and he can’t explain the two previous horrible results. He did a quick exam and said A has very mild varicocele on the left side but it shouldn’t be anything to worry about.  

So it’s very, very good news but I am surprisingly numb. Now I am looking at hopping back on the train in January with more clomid cycles. This is what I wanted just a few weeks ago. I don’t know why I can’t be happy about it.

It’s just that for a while A and I were on the same team. A damaged, depressed, heartbreaking team for sure. But we were solidly there together. Now, we have already moved back to the place where I’m the bummed out infertile and he’s the one telling me to stop being so negative. I don’t know how to make him see that I am being as positive as I possibly can. I am trying to do this thing as well as I humanly am able.

I was depressed about A’s supposed diagnosis, but I was also looking forward to pulling out the big guns and heading to IVF. Now we’re back with stupid clomid and intercourse, which in my heart of hearts I don’t believe will work. It feels like a waste of time. And what if I have to do two more cycles of clomid and take a break each time because of cysts, like this time? I don’t want to drag this thing out. I asked A if we could head straight to IUI but he doesn’t want to. I just feel like the ups and downs, the hormones, and the heartache of clomid isn’t worth it for the slight chance it will work.

I guess I can’t blame him for calling me negative.

Just call me Poly-freakin-anna

There are lots of bad things about sitting this cycle out. Namely, that I hate waiting and that the idea of twiddling my thumbs for an entire month makes me want to barf with anxiety and impatience. But I am trying to force myself to look at the good things, so here they are.

1)      I get to go on my Lulu-only trip next weekend. When my period arrived I thought I would have to cancel it because it falls on CDs 14-16. But that doesn’t matter now!

2)      If we get bad news at the repeat SA tomorrow, at least we have a grace period with which to deal with it.

3)      I will not be mired in the miserable 2ww during Christmas, like I had planned.

4)      I took the week off between Christmas and New Years and now I can be drunk pretty much the whole time if I choose.

5)      No messy progesterone pills. I hate those freakin things.  

That’s really all I can think of. Honestly, the bad still outweighs the good, but I suppose the consolation prizes aren’t awful.

I was understandably upset when I left the doctor’s office yesterday, but my mind was going 100 mph on my drive back to work. They told me to wait until CD40 for my period to arrive, and if it hadn’t started I’d get provera. By the time I got back here I had decided to call and ask for a pack of BCP. CD40 is sometime in January and I wasn’t willing to wait that long, only to have to wait 5-6 more days after I start the Provera. They agreed to give me the BCP and now I at least know I’ll start within 30 days.

I haven’t let myself think too much about what this says about me…that I am absolutely unwilling to have an unmedicated cycle.

I am holding my breath until A’s test tomorrow. It’s at 10:15. I took the morning off so we could sleep in together, I can warm up the car while he’s doing his thing, and I can be absolutely positive that the sample stayed as warm as it possibly could. We are going to stay there to hear the results together. I feel nauseous just thinking about it.

Clomid #3 = cancelled

14 mm cyst on right ovary.

Fuck.

Meltdown City.

Today I had a Grade A, Four-Alarm, All Points Bulletin meltdown. I melted down like I have rarely melted down before.

It started when I fucked up a recipe and had to throw it all out, all because I didn't read carefully enough. Then it turned into all the things I have done wrong in the past week (broke a dish, misplaced two credit cards, neglected my dog so that he ate yet another pair of my shoes [that's four if you're playing along at home], managed to mess up cooking those mashed potatoes that you literally just have to steam in the microwave [forgot they have to steam in the bag and opened them], etc etc etc).

Then it got global (I can't do anything right, I fuck everything up, I'm just a huge screw up, I'm a waste of space).

Followed closely by a huge dish of low self-esteem (I'm ugly, I'm fat, my acne is never going to go away, how can you even look at me?).

Also the typical "I'm a horrible wife" lamenting (all I do is bitch at you, we don't have sex as much as you'd like, I don't deserve you, you're probably going to leave me).

But that was all just a long, drawn out warm up. The tears really started flowing as we reached the crescendo:

And I just can't get pregnant. It's the easiest thing in the world and even crackheads can do it. I thought I'd be pregnant by Christmas and I won't be and I swear to god if I am not pregnant by next Christmas I will seriously lose my mind. Why is life so unfair? I want a baby SO BAD (literally choking on sobs at this point).

I threw in just a bit of philosophy before it was all over (and who could believe in a god that would be this cruel, keeping a baby from a couple who wants it so badly and would love it so much?)

All the while my sweet husband hugged me, and held me, and reassured me, and loved me in a way only a truly good man could love a truly insane woman.

I forgot, but have been reminded twice in the last few days, about the crying hangover. After a serious cry, like the kind in the conference room at work on Wednesday and the one today, I have a lingering, dull headache and I feel exhausted. Crying drains me of all of my energy. I haven't had a cry hangover for years and I forgot all about them.

Really, it's amazing that this meltdown stayed away for so long. I hope it's a long time before the next one.

CD1

That's right, my period finally started today. Welcome to clomid #3. Well, as long as my hubby has viable sperm.

A and I have been trying to stay strong about the results of his SA on Wednesday. I won't lie, I was terrified when we first got the news and I had to leave my desk to go cry in a conference room at work. But I was able to compose myself. We have decided to believe that it was the cold weather. To be fair, it was below freezing that day and A wasn't great at keeping the cup warm while he walked to the car, scraped the windshield, etc. It's very possible, probable in fact, that the weather is what killed all the sperm.

The statistics are comforting. Necrozoospermia (dead sperm) is very rare from what Dr. Google has told me. It's common to have dead sperm in a sample, but not for ALL of them to be dead. So the odds are on our side.

Thanksgiving was actually really good, and I spent all day today shopping and decorating my house. I'm so thankful for the busy holiday weekend. If I were working these four days I'd spend all my time googling and driving myself crazy with worry. I only have Monday and Tuesday to do that!

Here's to nice, living sperm on Wednesday.

My Dear A

It has been an amusing couple of days. Even though I am still (impatiently) awaiting my period, I continue to consider this cycle a BFN...although on Monday if I still haven't started I might be wishing I had gone in for Friday bloodwork after all.

Anyway, yesterday I called and made A an appointment for an SA. We had agreed that if this cycle didn't work, he'd get tested during clomid #3. Although I know deep down he's a little terrified something might be wrong, we have had a lot of laughs about his upcoming appointment. Such as "Honey, you need to stop by Dr. Lovely's office to pick up your cup and your instructions." "Instructions? Has it changed since I was 12? Are there new, innovative ways of doing this?"

I just crack up thinking about how awkward he probably felt going to the OBGYN by himself. I can't quite explain to you why we find the whole thing so funny, but the laughs we have had over this have reminded me of what makes our marriage work: a healthy sense of humor, playful teasing, and a levity that keeps us from taking life too seriously.

I am thankful to have him in my life. I deeply wish to grow our family, but I am tremendously lucky to have him all to myself in the meantime.

PS Harry Potter was awesome.