Friday, December 17, 2010

Sad because my friends are normal.

I have a friend. We’ll call her J. J and I have been close friends for two years and known each other for five. This year, things have gotten a bit strained. I feel like I am going through something really hard and since she knows about it, I get frustrated that she so often needs me to help her with problems. I have no patience or compassion for snarky co-worker drama or things of that nature. I wish that she could understand that it’s hard enough to keep a friendship together through infertility without one friend being needy.

Anyway, I try not to let it show because J doesn’t know any better, having never gone through infertility herself. But this fall she emailed me asking about HPTs and OPKs and what brand to buy and it was all too much. I had to open up and tell her that I can’t talk to her about their TTC journey because mine is too raw. I told her how broken and alone this makes me feel and that the idea of her TTC makes it worse. So we don’t talk about this subject.

That was a few months ago and it appears to have worn off. Yesterday she mentioned in an email (in code words) that it sure is hard to rally and have baby-making sex on the nights you don’t want to. I didn’t want to talk about it but today she said something again, about how she’s cranky because she’s tired (implying that she was up trying to make a baby) and that her husband is annoyingly chipper with daily sex.

I am ashamed to admit how much it hurts to think of them TTC. It hurts me to think that they get to try like normal people. No popping pills and constant probing at the doctor’s office like A and I do. No injections or painful procedures like other people have to do. Just regular old sex (which she has the audacity to complain to me about) and then POAS at home. I have never ever gotten to do that because my cycles have never been regular enough.

We started TTC a year ago, when J was still “definitely not ready”. How is it fair that she will most likely end up having her baby before I do? I was ready first. That is not how it’s supposed to work. Why do I have to wait?

I feel so hurt from these two innocent emails. And I am spiraling, telling myself what a bad person and friend I am. I want to cry for the TTC journey that other people have that I don’t. I want to cry for the bad friend that infertility has turned me into. I want to cry simply because I want to cry, and deep down I don’t want to be a sad person, I want to be a happy person. And I want to cry because I’m not that person who I want to be. Infertility has robbed me of that.

The day that she tells me she is pregnant I will have to crawl into bed and cry for hours. I honestly don’t know how I will be able to take that news without being devastated. I feel like I have been punched in my stomach just thinking about it.


Drevas said...

I wish I knew you in real life so I could give you a big hug. I feel like this is a post that I could have written. A friend who also knows about our struggles emailed me last week to tell me that she and her husband have been trying for 3 WHOLE months and she wants to know what tests she should ask her doctor for. It's crazy. I think that how you feel is completely understandable.

Anonymous said...

(((HUGS))) I know how hard this must be. I have been through it too!

Alex said...

Oh sweetie - this one is so hard. It's hard to be a good friend to someone when you "know" they're going to be different. Trust me, I've been there. And when my friend told me she was pregnant, I burst into tears - at work - spent 30 minutes in the bathroom sobbing...

All I know is you need to be open and honest as possible, but try to be a good friend too. Try to talk about things that are not TTC related. This would be good for both of you.

Hugs to you as you wander through this minefield. Hopefully both of you will be on the other side of this soon, as will be able to experience some of the joys of TTC - actual live babies - together.

Still A Guest Room said...

Ugh, this is so hard. The flippant way other women talk about getting pregnant is so difficult to hear. It's totally normal and understandable that you are feeling this way. Hopefully she will get the hint and stop sharing. Thinking of you.

Marissa said...

It's hardest when it's those we're closest with. IF sucks!!

Anonymous said...

My best friend told me she was preggo by handing me her pee stick and jumping around. My eyes teared and I had to turn around and drive home. And she sent me a passive aggressive email asking why I couldn't be happy for her. It was 48 hours after being diagnosed with PCOS. I SO wish we all knew each other in "real" life - so that we could hang out. I feel like no one gets it.

Roccie said...

I have a friend like this. I love her or hate her, depending on the day. Or depending on the time of day.

I am glad to hear from you Lu. I have been way absent for too long. Thank you for welcoming me back.