I have a friend. We’ll call her J. J and I have been close friends for two years and known each other for five. This year, things have gotten a bit strained. I feel like I am going through something really hard and since she knows about it, I get frustrated that she so often needs me to help her with problems. I have no patience or compassion for snarky co-worker drama or things of that nature. I wish that she could understand that it’s hard enough to keep a friendship together through infertility without one friend being needy.
Anyway, I try not to let it show because J doesn’t know any better, having never gone through infertility herself. But this fall she emailed me asking about HPTs and OPKs and what brand to buy and it was all too much. I had to open up and tell her that I can’t talk to her about their TTC journey because mine is too raw. I told her how broken and alone this makes me feel and that the idea of her TTC makes it worse. So we don’t talk about this subject.
That was a few months ago and it appears to have worn off. Yesterday she mentioned in an email (in code words) that it sure is hard to rally and have baby-making sex on the nights you don’t want to. I didn’t want to talk about it but today she said something again, about how she’s cranky because she’s tired (implying that she was up trying to make a baby) and that her husband is annoyingly chipper with daily sex.
I am ashamed to admit how much it hurts to think of them TTC. It hurts me to think that they get to try like normal people. No popping pills and constant probing at the doctor’s office like A and I do. No injections or painful procedures like other people have to do. Just regular old sex (which she has the audacity to complain to me about) and then POAS at home. I have never ever gotten to do that because my cycles have never been regular enough.
We started TTC a year ago, when J was still “definitely not ready”. How is it fair that she will most likely end up having her baby before I do? I was ready first. That is not how it’s supposed to work. Why do I have to wait?
I feel so hurt from these two innocent emails. And I am spiraling, telling myself what a bad person and friend I am. I want to cry for the TTC journey that other people have that I don’t. I want to cry for the bad friend that infertility has turned me into. I want to cry simply because I want to cry, and deep down I don’t want to be a sad person, I want to be a happy person. And I want to cry because I’m not that person who I want to be. Infertility has robbed me of that.
The day that she tells me she is pregnant I will have to crawl into bed and cry for hours. I honestly don’t know how I will be able to take that news without being devastated. I feel like I have been punched in my stomach just thinking about it.