Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Support from a friend

I only have one friend who knows pretty much everything. Ironically, she’s not even my closest friend, but she works with me and therefore we see each other the most. She had no problems reproducing herself (she got pregnant with her first on the BCP for Christ’s sake), but she has had several friends who have struggled with infertility. So she has been thoroughly vetted and would never tell me to “just relax”. She also has a daughter with spina bifida, so she has been on the receiving end of bad medical news.

Last week she sent me this email because she knew I was upset by A’s test results (I’ve changed all the names). I am thankful that I have a friend who supports me so thoroughly, and though it wasn’t written to any of you specifically, I know that she would tell you all the same thing. So, because we all need a few words of encouragement, I will share with you.

PS the quote she mentioned that I put on my facebook is “And there’s always retrospect, when you’re looking back, to light a clearer path. Every five years or so I look back on my life and I have a good laugh.”

I wanted to get you a card today, but the timing didn't work out this morning, and so I thought, "Well, I should just wait until I can get her a card" but really, it's the words that matter more than a cute card with flowers on it, so instead you get an email. :-)

I just wanted to tell you again how sorry I am that things did not go as you had hoped yesterday. You seem to be handling it amazingly well, but I know it was yet another disappointment to both of you. Just keep your focus on what's in your heart and you will get there. I really liked the Indigo Girls quote you had on FB yesterday about looking back in 5 years. It is so true. I think that all the time about Elizabeth. When we first got the news, we were devastated and sure the world was collapsing around us. Just a year after that first diagnosis, I remember looking at her and thinking "She is here, she is doing great, she is as healthy as we could hope for, and I never could have imagined feeling this good about it all a year ago".

You will get to that point, too. In five years, your life will be so different from how it is today, in ways you can't even imagine. There are so many ways to become a mother, and the "traditional" route is just one of many. However you and your child come to each other, you will know that things happened exactly as they were meant to, because they brought you to YOUR child. Not just "a child" but your child, the one that belongs to you, and that you belong to. And you wouldn't have had that same child if things had been different. Call it fate, destiny, God, whatever your spiritual beliefs are, I truly believe that you will end up with the child that was meant to be yours.

You guys will get there, and you will realize that it couldn't have happened any other way. You and A are going through something most people don't have to deal with, and it will make you stronger as a couple. John and I look at other couples bickering, and sniping and we just think "You have no idea. You have no idea how little you have to complain about, yet you can't be happy with what you have"- we are a stronger couple for going through our journey together and it has built a faith in each other that we wouldn't have had otherwise. We've been through some pretty sh*tty things, and we are still together. We sometimes joke that we went through about 30 years worth of marriage stress in the first five years of our marriage. We both know that the other one is in it for the long haul and didn't bail out when things got tough. You and A are learning that about each other now, and your marriage will be stronger for it.

Any time you need to talk, or vent, or cry, I am here for you.

I hope you have a great day today!!!


Drevas said...

What a great friend. That email was precious. Thank you so much for sharing!

Jem said...

Wow. You are so lucky to have a friend who not only understands but who is amazingly good at articulating what it's like to be in our shoes. Thanks for sharing that.

Still A Guest Room said...

Wow, thanks for sharing. So glad you have a friend like that.

Alex said...

What a wonderful friend you have! She's so special.