Today I had a Grade A, Four-Alarm, All Points Bulletin meltdown. I melted down like I have rarely melted down before.
It started when I fucked up a recipe and had to throw it all out, all because I didn't read carefully enough. Then it turned into all the things I have done wrong in the past week (broke a dish, misplaced two credit cards, neglected my dog so that he ate yet another pair of my shoes [that's four if you're playing along at home], managed to mess up cooking those mashed potatoes that you literally just have to steam in the microwave [forgot they have to steam in the bag and opened them], etc etc etc).
Then it got global (I can't do anything right, I fuck everything up, I'm just a huge screw up, I'm a waste of space).
Followed closely by a huge dish of low self-esteem (I'm ugly, I'm fat, my acne is never going to go away, how can you even look at me?).
Also the typical "I'm a horrible wife" lamenting (all I do is bitch at you, we don't have sex as much as you'd like, I don't deserve you, you're probably going to leave me).
But that was all just a long, drawn out warm up. The tears really started flowing as we reached the crescendo:
And I just can't get pregnant. It's the easiest thing in the world and even crackheads can do it. I thought I'd be pregnant by Christmas and I won't be and I swear to god if I am not pregnant by next Christmas I will seriously lose my mind. Why is life so unfair? I want a baby SO BAD (literally choking on sobs at this point).
I threw in just a bit of philosophy before it was all over (and who could believe in a god that would be this cruel, keeping a baby from a couple who wants it so badly and would love it so much?)
All the while my sweet husband hugged me, and held me, and reassured me, and loved me in a way only a truly good man could love a truly insane woman.
I forgot, but have been reminded twice in the last few days, about the crying hangover. After a serious cry, like the kind in the conference room at work on Wednesday and the one today, I have a lingering, dull headache and I feel exhausted. Crying drains me of all of my energy. I haven't had a cry hangover for years and I forgot all about them.
Really, it's amazing that this meltdown stayed away for so long. I hope it's a long time before the next one.