Friday, November 12, 2010

It hurts.

Disclaimer: what follows is self-indulgent, overwhelmingly negative, and pretty depressing. If you came here today for a fun little ray of sunshine, stop reading now!

Today I feel awful. Not physically, mind you – that would be exciting in a perverted way. Nope, today I feel like a truly awful person, and I’m also sad.

Remember how the other day I told you about A’s cousin (B) and his wife (S) and how I went to her baby shower a year ago this month and cried for two hours afterwards because I wanted to be pregnant and I wasn’t? Well A and B are pretty close, and though they live over an hour apart, they see each other every couple of months. B and S got married exactly one year before we did. At one point in 2009, A and B had a conversation about how both couples were getting ready to start TTC in August of 09. “How exciting!” A told me. “Maybe B and I can have kids at the same time and raise them together!” Riiiiiiight.

Well S went off BCP a few months before August, their TTC start date, and got pregnant immediately. Obviously, it didn’t work that way for us. Have I mentioned she’s about 8 years older than I am?

The last time the four of us hung out was in February when we went to visit the new baby. S said something about sending me her fertility vibes because they knew we were trying and she was just so super fertile (thanks so much, they’re obviously working). We invited them to our Halloween party but they declined.

Last night I was perusing facebook and noticed that the play B is directing opens this weekend. I was kind of surprised that they didn’t invite us to come see it – they have in the past. A couple of hours later, S called. Before A picked up the phone, I half jokingly said “No, we do not want to babysit”.

I was right, they wanted us to babysit. The worst part was that A wanted to and I just knew I couldn’t. He is such an adorable kid. Just thinking about spending a couple of hours with him, I felt the raw pain of wanting one of my own. Not to mention, they haven’t invited us to hang out with them in 9 months and now they call asking for a favor? And they knew back in February that we had been trying for a couple months. Shouldn’t they be sensitive enough to think that maybe we’re having trouble and don’t want to spend time with their baby?

What hurts more though, is that A wanted to go. He wanted to see them and see the baby. It hurts me that I can’t give him one of our own. It hurts me that I can’t be a cheery, happy, carefree wife and go babysit with him without letting it ruin my weekend as I know it would. It hurts me that I have to plan my life around things that don’t involve pregnancy and babies because it cuts me to the core. It hurts me that there are so many of us infertiles who have to poke and prod themselves, shoving pills “where the sun don’t shine”, waiting with bated breath through 2wws, suffering losses and setbacks and devastating BFNs. It hurts me that I am such a selfish, jealous person that I resent someone else’s blessings.


Drevas said...

Wow, it’s amazing just how insensitive some people can be… even people that you are close to and you wouldn't expect it from. I would have reacted exactly the same way to their request.

I hope you start to feel better about your decision, because I definitely think it was a good one. You should be relaxing and taking care of yourself (and your hubby) during this time! Enjoy the time you have together… because it hopefully won’t be just the two of you for long! :) I will be thinking about you and hoping you are feeling better!

Still A Guest Room said...

Don't be too hard on yourself. It's important to know your limits and protect your heart when you can. We get enough "news" sprung on us that there is no good reason to volunteer for something that will break your heart.