Friday, December 10, 2010

Well I’ll be Good God Damned.

Edit: I’m sorry this post is so “poor me”. I was fresh off a fight with my hubby about my attitude, which ironically always makes my attitude worse. I think we have smoothed things over. I also spoke to Dr. Lovely’s office who wants to move straight to IUI next cycle. So my lamenting about clomid was pointless anyway. I just hope A is okay with the idea of IUI.

We had our appt with the urologist today. Yesterday A went to the local hospital lab to provide his third SA. This one was a little different because it wasn’t analyzed by Dr. Lovely’s OBGYN office, and was apparently more thorough. Also, A collected at the facility instead of doing it at home and driving the specimen into town (20-30 minutes).

Well apparently that made all the difference. Results were 100% normal. Motility at 60% -- the low end of normal but not what we thought we were dealing with. Everything else perfectly in the normal range. Morphology results pending. The urologist said everything looked great and he can’t explain the two previous horrible results. He did a quick exam and said A has very mild varicocele on the left side but it shouldn’t be anything to worry about.  

So it’s very, very good news but I am surprisingly numb. Now I am looking at hopping back on the train in January with more clomid cycles. This is what I wanted just a few weeks ago. I don’t know why I can’t be happy about it.

It’s just that for a while A and I were on the same team. A damaged, depressed, heartbreaking team for sure. But we were solidly there together. Now, we have already moved back to the place where I’m the bummed out infertile and he’s the one telling me to stop being so negative. I don’t know how to make him see that I am being as positive as I possibly can. I am trying to do this thing as well as I humanly am able.

I was depressed about A’s supposed diagnosis, but I was also looking forward to pulling out the big guns and heading to IVF. Now we’re back with stupid clomid and intercourse, which in my heart of hearts I don’t believe will work. It feels like a waste of time. And what if I have to do two more cycles of clomid and take a break each time because of cysts, like this time? I don’t want to drag this thing out. I asked A if we could head straight to IUI but he doesn’t want to. I just feel like the ups and downs, the hormones, and the heartache of clomid isn’t worth it for the slight chance it will work.

I guess I can’t blame him for calling me negative.


Drevas said...

I am happy to hear about A's great results! This is very good news...

On the other hand, I can understand how you must feel about getting geared up for IVF... I'm in the middle of writing a simliar post about how much I hate Clomid.

But you are not alone my friend. I don't know you or A personally but from what I've read in your posts, he seems very supportive... This is the guy who is willing to throw sheets over the pregnant women for you! I love that... :)

Thinking of you!

Alex said...

Great news - this is wonderful about his results. I completely understand about wanting to pull out all the big guns. But you have to wait until both of you are ready for it. I'm so sorry about this... Remember, your infertility isn't about you, it's not about A, it's about you as a couple - and it belongs to both of you. Hugs!

Jem said...

Hey, that's very good news! the man is right - he needs you to be positive. He wants to make a baby with you. I would JUMP at the chance to have clomid with timed intercourse work. Get a hold of yourself, girl! Get some perspective! (sorry to be harsh, but pul-eeeze! I respect that these are your feelings, but please know a ton of us would change places with you in a heartbeat!!!!!!!)

BTW, IVF is NOT the panacea or holy grail.

Jem said...

Oh dear. I just re-read my comment and want to apologize for being so harsh. It was not my intent. We are all at different places in these (terrible) journey and I had no intention of coming across as so judgmental.

I'll be positive for you, if you need to stay in the negative!

Please do accept my apology.

Lulu said...

Jem- It's okay. It was a whiny, selfish post because I was feeling whiny and selfish at the time. What can you do?

Jem said...

Hey, it's your blog and you can write anything you want - it's how you feel!

So much about IF is unfair and gives us the right to whine! So, whine away!

Still A Guest Room said...

The SA news is wonderful...I am so glad you have one less thing to worry about. However, don't get down on yourself for being negative. You honestly have every right to feel down and frustrated. Sometimes we know when it's time to move on, and I hope you can get on the same page. I know it's terrible to feel like you are wasting precious time. Thinking of you!

mare said...

The SA news is great- thank God!

I totally get it when you say that you are being as positive as possible. I haven't been expressing my negative feelings lately because I am so sick of my husband/everyone being like "be positive... blah blah blah." I want to scream at them: I AM BEING EFFING POSITIVE. Little do they know, that if I didn't constantly battle my feelings, I would never leave my bed and would stab anyone who came near me. ;)

DtheRN said...

Congrats on your hubby's SA! I can understand your frustration with getting the show on the road. And you can only take so much Clomid. Yet, it is cheaper than other alternatives.
Oh, you sound like you have a good hubby. But we all have those days. I've asked mine if he's "o.k. and dealing with all of this well" and he gives me that look like I've lost my marbles. I guess what I mean to say is... I've lost my mind, feel like an emotional wreck most days, cannot stop thinking about most things baby, and was wondering if you were feeling that way too? And of course he's not - he's a guy. A level-headed, optimistic guy. Who doesn't read everything on the internet associated with infertility.
I celebrate your victory with the SA. Hope to hear good news in the future!