Edit: I’m sorry this post is so “poor me”. I was fresh off a fight with my hubby about my attitude, which ironically always makes my attitude worse. I think we have smoothed things over. I also spoke to Dr. Lovely’s office who wants to move straight to IUI next cycle. So my lamenting about clomid was pointless anyway. I just hope A is okay with the idea of IUI.
We had our appt with the urologist today. Yesterday A went to the local hospital lab to provide his third SA. This one was a little different because it wasn’t analyzed by Dr. Lovely’s OBGYN office, and was apparently more thorough. Also, A collected at the facility instead of doing it at home and driving the specimen into town (20-30 minutes).
Well apparently that made all the difference. Results were 100% normal. Motility at 60% -- the low end of normal but not what we thought we were dealing with. Everything else perfectly in the normal range. Morphology results pending. The urologist said everything looked great and he can’t explain the two previous horrible results. He did a quick exam and said A has very mild varicocele on the left side but it shouldn’t be anything to worry about.
So it’s very, very good news but I am surprisingly numb. Now I am looking at hopping back on the train in January with more clomid cycles. This is what I wanted just a few weeks ago. I don’t know why I can’t be happy about it.
It’s just that for a while A and I were on the same team. A damaged, depressed, heartbreaking team for sure. But we were solidly there together. Now, we have already moved back to the place where I’m the bummed out infertile and he’s the one telling me to stop being so negative. I don’t know how to make him see that I am being as positive as I possibly can. I am trying to do this thing as well as I humanly am able.
I was depressed about A’s supposed diagnosis, but I was also looking forward to pulling out the big guns and heading to IVF. Now we’re back with stupid clomid and intercourse, which in my heart of hearts I don’t believe will work. It feels like a waste of time. And what if I have to do two more cycles of clomid and take a break each time because of cysts, like this time? I don’t want to drag this thing out. I asked A if we could head straight to IUI but he doesn’t want to. I just feel like the ups and downs, the hormones, and the heartache of clomid isn’t worth it for the slight chance it will work.
I guess I can’t blame him for calling me negative.