Almost immediately after I wrote yesterday’s post declaring my new, more optimistic outlook…it was tested brutally.
I was sitting in my cube, working (reading blogs), when I heard a coworker at his supervisor’s desk. I didn’t hear what he said but I heard his boss say “That’s so exciting! Congratulations!” My first thought was “well they’re in their 50s so at least this isn’t a pregnancy announcement”.
Well, not exactly. His daughter is pregnant. Then I heard him come around the corner to the cubes across from me and tell each co-worker individually the good news: “I’m going to be a grandpa!” (his daughter got married in June) “She’s due two days after their first anniversary.” (lucky fucks) “They weren’t trying, but they’re very excited.” (hmmmm must be nice)
The first few times I was fine, but by the time he got to the female co-workers I had heard this conversation 5 times, and then he pulled out the picture of the sonogram she had sent and I heard “Ohhh look I see the head…are those the little fingers?”
Still thinking I was okay, just mildly annoyed, I got up and went across the office to a co-worker’s desk who knows vaguely whats up (“we’re going through infertility treatments, I’m upset about it” is as specific as I have gotten with her). I told her “I can’t be around him anymore because I can’t hear about accidental pregnancies and adorable little sonograms.” Saying the word sonogram was enough to unleash the tears. I full out “ugly-cried” right there at her desk. Luckily I could surreptitiously gather my coat and purse and go out to the car to finish my crying.
I’m better now. It takes an hour or so for a pregnancy announcement to wear off, but in the moment it feels like multiple kicks to the stomach. Or like my heart is being stabbed with a screwdriver.
I don’t know why I have tended towards the depressive this week…maybe it’s the after-effects of the clomid, but I don’t think so. I have struggled with mild depression my whole life so I can’t exactly blame 100% of it on the hormones. I’m puzzled because I’m actually pretty positive about my appointment tomorrow and the progress of this cycle. So it seems odd for the crushing feelings of hopelessness and isolation to come now.
The world works in mysterious ways…
PS I’m doing that 30 posts in 30 days or NaNovWrWTF month or whatever it’s called. I’m too lazy to find the pretty badges and put them up, but I’m going to write every day this month. Lucky you. : )