Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Bitter is the new PCOS

I feel bad that my post was so negative yesterday. A 12 and an 11 follicle! I should be so happy about that! (my mind is screaming TWINS TWINS TWINS!!!) It’s way better than last time and signs are pointing towards ovulation this month, which seems like a minor miracle in and of itself. After 10 months of anovulation you would think I’d be jumping for joy that I have something growing on my ovaries at all besides a bunch of tiny cysts. But very quickly this positive outcome just becomes one more step on the path to being pregnant, which is an uncertainty. And I hate uncertainty.

And who I am to judge the pregnant people in the waiting room? Of course through the bitter, infertile glasses I was wearing at the time they were all super fertile and taking their pregnancies for granted. But of course not all of them are. Maybe one of them is even there after IVF and I have absolutely no right to begrudge her her pregnancy. Some day I hope to be sitting in that waiting room pregnant and I don’t want someone to resent me for being there.

I am trying to visualize my follicles growing. I figured out that 12mm is .47 of an inch and I’ve got a sketch of that in my head and sometimes I just focus on it growing and growing.

One thing that really helps through all this is reading other people’s tales of infertility. I’m especially grateful for a new blog friend, Drevas, who is on a very similar cycle to mine. We even have matching appointments on Friday!

After doing some googling yesterday I found some fun articles that you may enjoy:

Performance Anxiety at the Fertility Clinic – written by a man, about giving a semen sample while he and his wife were grappling with secondary infertility
The Father of Infertility -- this one made me cry. Written by a woman who lost her mother at a young age and learned to lean on her father for support during infertility.
Putting egg whites where the sun don't shine. Oh the crazy things we do to try to get pregnant!
Enjoy your reading!

1 comment:

Drevas said...

I am grateful for you too! When my RE told me today that my next appointment would be on Friday, my first thought was, “Hey, Lulu’s next appointment is on Friday too!”. :) It’s so nice to know there is someone else out there going through this!

And don’t feel bad about your feelings toward pregnant people/babies in the waiting room. I feel that way too! Someone at my RE’s office had a baby in there last week and my first thought was, “Hey, that’s not allowed!” (my fertility clinic normally has a strict rule about not bringing children to the appointments). I think everyone going through what we are has had feelings like that from time to time…. But I’m glad that today you are feeling better and enjoying your growing follicles!

PS - Thanks for sharing the articles… “The Father of Infertility” made me teary eyed too!