Just call me Poly-freakin-anna

There are lots of bad things about sitting this cycle out. Namely, that I hate waiting and that the idea of twiddling my thumbs for an entire month makes me want to barf with anxiety and impatience. But I am trying to force myself to look at the good things, so here they are.

1)      I get to go on my Lulu-only trip next weekend. When my period arrived I thought I would have to cancel it because it falls on CDs 14-16. But that doesn’t matter now!

2)      If we get bad news at the repeat SA tomorrow, at least we have a grace period with which to deal with it.

3)      I will not be mired in the miserable 2ww during Christmas, like I had planned.

4)      I took the week off between Christmas and New Years and now I can be drunk pretty much the whole time if I choose.

5)      No messy progesterone pills. I hate those freakin things.  

That’s really all I can think of. Honestly, the bad still outweighs the good, but I suppose the consolation prizes aren’t awful.

I was understandably upset when I left the doctor’s office yesterday, but my mind was going 100 mph on my drive back to work. They told me to wait until CD40 for my period to arrive, and if it hadn’t started I’d get provera. By the time I got back here I had decided to call and ask for a pack of BCP. CD40 is sometime in January and I wasn’t willing to wait that long, only to have to wait 5-6 more days after I start the Provera. They agreed to give me the BCP and now I at least know I’ll start within 30 days.

I haven’t let myself think too much about what this says about me…that I am absolutely unwilling to have an unmedicated cycle.

I am holding my breath until A’s test tomorrow. It’s at 10:15. I took the morning off so we could sleep in together, I can warm up the car while he’s doing his thing, and I can be absolutely positive that the sample stayed as warm as it possibly could. We are going to stay there to hear the results together. I feel nauseous just thinking about it.

Clomid #3 = cancelled

14 mm cyst on right ovary.

Fuck.

Meltdown City.

Today I had a Grade A, Four-Alarm, All Points Bulletin meltdown. I melted down like I have rarely melted down before.

It started when I fucked up a recipe and had to throw it all out, all because I didn't read carefully enough. Then it turned into all the things I have done wrong in the past week (broke a dish, misplaced two credit cards, neglected my dog so that he ate yet another pair of my shoes [that's four if you're playing along at home], managed to mess up cooking those mashed potatoes that you literally just have to steam in the microwave [forgot they have to steam in the bag and opened them], etc etc etc).

Then it got global (I can't do anything right, I fuck everything up, I'm just a huge screw up, I'm a waste of space).

Followed closely by a huge dish of low self-esteem (I'm ugly, I'm fat, my acne is never going to go away, how can you even look at me?).

Also the typical "I'm a horrible wife" lamenting (all I do is bitch at you, we don't have sex as much as you'd like, I don't deserve you, you're probably going to leave me).

But that was all just a long, drawn out warm up. The tears really started flowing as we reached the crescendo:

And I just can't get pregnant. It's the easiest thing in the world and even crackheads can do it. I thought I'd be pregnant by Christmas and I won't be and I swear to god if I am not pregnant by next Christmas I will seriously lose my mind. Why is life so unfair? I want a baby SO BAD (literally choking on sobs at this point).

I threw in just a bit of philosophy before it was all over (and who could believe in a god that would be this cruel, keeping a baby from a couple who wants it so badly and would love it so much?)

All the while my sweet husband hugged me, and held me, and reassured me, and loved me in a way only a truly good man could love a truly insane woman.

I forgot, but have been reminded twice in the last few days, about the crying hangover. After a serious cry, like the kind in the conference room at work on Wednesday and the one today, I have a lingering, dull headache and I feel exhausted. Crying drains me of all of my energy. I haven't had a cry hangover for years and I forgot all about them.

Really, it's amazing that this meltdown stayed away for so long. I hope it's a long time before the next one.

CD1

That's right, my period finally started today. Welcome to clomid #3. Well, as long as my hubby has viable sperm.

A and I have been trying to stay strong about the results of his SA on Wednesday. I won't lie, I was terrified when we first got the news and I had to leave my desk to go cry in a conference room at work. But I was able to compose myself. We have decided to believe that it was the cold weather. To be fair, it was below freezing that day and A wasn't great at keeping the cup warm while he walked to the car, scraped the windshield, etc. It's very possible, probable in fact, that the weather is what killed all the sperm.

The statistics are comforting. Necrozoospermia (dead sperm) is very rare from what Dr. Google has told me. It's common to have dead sperm in a sample, but not for ALL of them to be dead. So the odds are on our side.

Thanksgiving was actually really good, and I spent all day today shopping and decorating my house. I'm so thankful for the busy holiday weekend. If I were working these four days I'd spend all my time googling and driving myself crazy with worry. I only have Monday and Tuesday to do that!

Here's to nice, living sperm on Wednesday.

Sigh.

A had his SA today. His numbers looked great except for one tiny problem…all of his sperm were dead.

The nurse said it could be because the weather is so cold here today. Freezing rain, wind, and such. He “collected” the sample at home and drove it into town, so it might have had the opportunity to get too cold. We are re-testing next Wednesday.

I have some hope that this test was a fluke, but this is still pretty devastating to me. I wanted to hear that everything looked great. Suddenly the SA isn’t as funny as we thought it was over the weekend.

There is still a lot to be thankful for, don’t get me wrong. But my heart is heavy today.

Lessons learned, Clomid #2

Well I decided to make a list of things I’ve learned from this cycle, instead of just being bummed (for the second time) that it didn’t result in a pregnancy.

1. It makes a huge difference when you switch to a competent doctor’s office.
2. My period CAN choose to arrive without Provera. This was the first cycle all year, and hopefully next cycle will be the second.
3. I really don’t have many side effects from the clomid, except acne, which I have anyway. Sure, I’m kind of a bitch when I’m on it, but let’s be honest, I’m kind of a bitch all the time. I don’t have the maddening mood swings many women report – at least not on 50 or 100 mg.
4. Same with the progesterone. At least on the dosage I’m on, all I experienced was a handful of cystic bumps on my face. Occasionally I felt flushed, but it wasn’t major. No breast changes, and I kept up with my benefiber so I didn’t even get very constipated.
5. While I’m on a roll, I also had no side effects from the trigger shot. Apparently I am immune to hormones.
6. I don’t handle ambiguity well.
7. It is best to insert the progesterone seated, on the edge of the toilet. Twice I had to fish the damn thing out of the bowl and wash it off. Yuck.
8. Cramps. Do. Not. Mean. Anything.
9. When your husband worries aloud about the results of his upcoming sperm analysis, don’t just boldly proclaim “Well if anything’s wrong, we’ll just get a sperm donor.” With these types of decisions you’re supposed consider his input instead of just deciding on your own.
10. The only words to describe the two week wait are “Total Mindfuck”.
11. Depending on your emotional fragility, hormone fluctuation, and what’s going on that day, some things hurt a lot worse than a BFN. The day I fought with the pharmacy guy, then ended up with the wrong dose of clomid, got home and realized my dog had eaten my favorite shoe…that day was worse than both BFNs this cycle. Ditto to the day of the work-related pregnancy announcement. I was way more vulnerable and emotional mid-cycle than when the BFNs came around.
12. People do not understand.
13. My body responded to 100 mg of clomid.
14. Do not listen to your doctor’s office when they ask you not to test at home. If I had just tested yesterday morning, I wouldn’t have had to wait all morning, a bundle of exhausted nerves, feeling so anxious I thought I might get sick, only to hear my second BFN. This time around I will be purchasing bulk tests off the internet and testing to my hearts desire.

What have you learned this cycle?

BFN (again).

The blood test was negative. My hopes were dashed on Thursday and my false hopes were dashed today. It feels just as bad this time around.

I keep thinking about the stupid woman who checked me in at the lab this morning. Right before I sat down I asked to use the restroom. When I got back she gave me a peculiar look so I told her “I just keep thinking I’ll start my period and won’t have to have this blood test.” She asked how long I’d been trying and I said 11 months. She told me “Just stop trying, and it’ll happen.”

Actually, no it won’t. I don’t ovulate on my own so no amount of relaxing and being patient will do a damn thing. That’s why I’m here, because I have to have medical intervention. Do you think I want to be here? And I said that to her (well, not all of it, in a nice way and less colorfully).

I asked Dr. Lovely’s office about the possibility of Provera, but no dice. They told me it could take up to another two weeks for my period to start. I am so tired of waiting. Waiting for the diagnosis, waiting for the Metformin to work (it didn’t), waiting for my cycles to start (they don’t), waiting to take the clomid, waiting to find out if it worked (it didn’t…times two). Waiting for my body to confirm this latest disappointment.

I have spent all of 2010 waiting. 

At least the 2ww is over.

This might be a two post day.

Well I just had my blood drawn because my period is still MIA. It is CD32 and I got my trigger shot 17 days ago (so 16 dpo). The doctor’s office told me to expect my period by Friday, so I am officially considering it 3 days late.

I don’t have any pregnancy tests at home and I refuse to go buy them. I am trying to look at this blood test as a formality, although of course I’m getting excited deep down that maybe my BFN on Thursday was false. After all, I didn’t use FMU and it was only 12 dpo. Mainly, though, I’m concerned that I’m not pregnant and something went wrong with this cycle which is why I haven’t started yet.

I called A on my way to the hospital and bit his head off because he keeps telling me not to get my hopes up, and damnit, I can’t help it. My period is three days late. I’m excited.

Logically, I know that my last cycle lasted 33 days, so I shouldn’t even expect my period till Wednesday. But what was up with those cramps last week? And the last cycle (clomid #1) has proven an awful thing to compare to, considering I had weird ovulation symptoms on CD 24ish and the only monitoring appt I went to was on CD 11 when they told me the clomid didn’t work. So who knows.

I thought the 2ww was over, but it turns out it’s not. Luckily, Dr. Lovely sent me to the hospital for bloodwork, which means I should know the results this afternoon, as opposed to going to her office and finding out tomorrow.

Sorry for this rambling, incoherent post. Welcome to my head.

WTF

CD31, 15 dpo. I had cramps Wednesday-Friday and then they stopped.

Confused.

My Dear A

It has been an amusing couple of days. Even though I am still (impatiently) awaiting my period, I continue to consider this cycle a BFN...although on Monday if I still haven't started I might be wishing I had gone in for Friday bloodwork after all.

Anyway, yesterday I called and made A an appointment for an SA. We had agreed that if this cycle didn't work, he'd get tested during clomid #3. Although I know deep down he's a little terrified something might be wrong, we have had a lot of laughs about his upcoming appointment. Such as "Honey, you need to stop by Dr. Lovely's office to pick up your cup and your instructions." "Instructions? Has it changed since I was 12? Are there new, innovative ways of doing this?"

I just crack up thinking about how awkward he probably felt going to the OBGYN by himself. I can't quite explain to you why we find the whole thing so funny, but the laughs we have had over this have reminded me of what makes our marriage work: a healthy sense of humor, playful teasing, and a levity that keeps us from taking life too seriously.

I am thankful to have him in my life. I deeply wish to grow our family, but I am tremendously lucky to have him all to myself in the meantime.

PS Harry Potter was awesome.

Clomid #2 = BFN

I tested last night, at the end of 12dpo. After the day I had yesterday (going to the bathroom every 30 minutes to see if I had started, feeling exhausted and nauseous and headachy, freaking out endlessly about what it all meant), I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I waited until this morning.

It was a crystal clear negative.

So now I’m in plimbo, just waiting for my period to start. I am still taking the progesterone but I guess I should stop. Will it keep my period away even longer? But on the slimmest, tiniest offchance that the test was wrong, (foolish I know) I don’t want to regret stopping the progesterone. I don’t know what to do about that one and I can’t call my doctor to ask because I wasn’t supposed to test.

Hopefully I will start today because I am going to a party tonight and I’d very much like to have a drink.

I went to bed with a very heavy heart last night but the tears didn’t come, and that’s okay. I have decided to turn all of my focus to the upcoming holidays while I proceed with the next cycle. It is taking a lot of energy not to look at Christmas as a sick milestone – one year since we started, and in May my old OBGYN told me I’d be pregnant by Christmas. But I am absolutely enamored with Christmas so I refuse to let this garbage ruin it.

I have come up with an idea for future 2wws, by accident, and I thought I’d share. Remember how on Monday I said I was going shopping over my lunch hour? Well I went to Target and tried on about 15 tops (which is impressive since I get 30 minutes for lunch) but I didn’t like any of them. Then I went to Ann Taylor LOFT on Tuesday and Kohl’s on Wednesday. I didn’t have a lot of luck but I did find one sweater at Kohl’s I really liked. I didn’t buy it because it’s $30 and I’m generally a huge cheapskate. This morning I decided to go back and buy the sweater tomorrow as a BFN consolation prize.  

So I think that’s my plan for the next 2ww. I’ll spend the 2ww shopping until I find something I want – a necklace, a pair of shoes, a top, whatever. Then I won’t let myself buy it unless I get a BFN. I really like buying new things but I rarely let myself do it, so I’m hoping this will ease the pain of any future BFNs.

Here’s to a period filled weekend, hopefully. Oh, and Harry Potter : )

12 dpo and WTF is going on?

I cannot believe my period hasn’t started yet. I had cramps for about three hours yesterday, and these weren’t your run-of-the-mill half-imagined 2ww cramps. These were legit menstrual cramps. Not that painful, because my cramps are always mild (thank god), but definitely there.

As long as I have had my period, it has been the case that I get the cramps and I start within a couple of hours. Often, I notice the cramping and go immediately to the bathroom and I’ve already started. It’s very peculiar for me to have cramps and nearly 24 hours later…no period.

Also, when I got to my desk this morning I felt immediately nauseous. Not severe, but I definitely thought I might throw up for a few minutes. I ate some saltines, which helped a tiny bit, and I’m currently eating pretzels and drinking apple juice. It’s subsiding, but I still feel queasy. I think I probably just didn’t hydrate well enough with breakfast, or else my breakfast was too small to absorb my 2000 mg of Metformin. But I’ll be damned if the lack of AF + cramping + nausea isn’t getting me excited.  

Still no sore boobs, only one blue vein to be found. I’m trying to remind myself that I felt this way basically the entire month of June thanks to my dear friend Met.

If I’m not pregnant, I just really hope I start today. I don’t want to face a negative pregnancy test tomorrow morning.

Crossing fingers, toes, arms and legs.

Edit: It's now afternoon, the nausea has subsided, and the cramps have gotten worse. What a mindfuck!

The good, the bad, and the Lovely

Today is 11 dpo, CD 27, also known as the day I thought I would test back when this cycle started. I am not going to test today. I am going to test Friday morning, and I am 95% sure it will be negative.

But being 95% sure it’s going to be negative doesn’t mean you stop talking yourself into pregnancy symptoms. I am having some cramps – probably just my period coming, but a nagging little part in the back of my brain is hoping. This morning I downed a bunch of diet cherry 7up really fast with my pills. I felt like I was going to puke for about 30 seconds and got wildly hopeful, but then I let out a huge belch and realized it was just too much carbonation. : )

Maybe my period will come tomorrow and put me out of my 2ww misery. I would rather confirm this cycle is over that way than seeing a negative test on Friday.

I have this to say about the 2ww: the second week BLOWS. The first week, while not exactly pleasant, is kind of exciting in a perverted way. The second week is pure torture. I am obligated to tell you that I’m thankful for the 2ww because it means I ovulated, but that doesn’t mean I can’t complain about it, right?

I called Dr. Lovely’s office today, mainly just to have something to do. Have I told you how lovely they all are? The nurse called me back within 20 minutes (very prompt compared to my old OBGYN) and answered all of my questions thoroughly and patiently. I asked when I should expect my period and she said 2 weeks after the shot. I had been basing my cycle on last month’s and expecting it to last 33 days, but I guess that’s a pretty bad thing to do since that cycle was a bust and we didn’t get to TTC. If I don’t have my period by Friday, they’ll do a blood test, and Monday I could start Provera. But she doesn’t think I’ll need the Provera – most people start on their own at the end of a clomid cycle, so I hope that’s the case with me.

I also mentioned that I never had any ovulation symptoms after the shot and she said not to worry about that. She said many women don’t feel anything after the shot. Thank goodness, because I was starting to feel like a freak.

At this point it’s just more wait and see. It kind of goes hour-by-hour how okay I am with that.

sad for friends

Today I’m sad for others.

I get wrapped up in my own frustration, disappointment, and impatience with my lack of pregnancy, but the truth is I have not experienced true heartache yet. Searing disappointment and months of mind-numbing waiting, yes. But I am worlds away from the devastation that others feel, like what Roccie and Still a Guest Room are going through now.

When I first started reading infertility blogs, I mainly lurked in the archives of writers who had since gone on to become parents. It was still sad to read about their losses, but when it happened in 2006 it was a bit different. I had no idea how hard it would be to experience a positive pregnancy with a blog friend, real-time, and then read along as the pregnancy failed.

I hope that the aching of my heart can lighten your burdens in even the slightest way.

gut feeling = negative

I have never been pregnant, so I don’t know if you get a “gut feeling” that you’re pregnant. But I’m sad to say at 9dpo I have a gut feeling that I’m not.

Maybe I’ll be surprised. It’s still early, after all. It’s just that something has felt off ever since that trigger shot, when I didn’t feel any ovulation symptoms. I’m not so sure I ovulated like the doctor said I did. And I certainly haven’t had any promising cramps, spotting, breast tenderness, or feeling of activity down there.

I’m finding myself anxious to start a new cycle. This morning after hitting snooze I was lying there and I just felt sure that I was about to get my period. I was even surprised when I wiped and didn’t see anything. I think my mind is preparing my heart to see it.

I am certain that this cycle was a bust and I am just chomping at the bit to start the next two clomid cycles, and then on to IUI if those don’t work. Dear A has agreed to have our first SA if I am indeed not pregnant. He thinks I am just being negative, and maybe I am. But I am so in tune with my body that I just feel like it would tell me if I were pregnant. It’s being conspicuously silent.

Like I said…I hope I’m wrong. We decided to wake up early and test on Friday, before I go to work. We have an appointment that afternoon with our therapist, so hopefully that’s good timing.

I’m taking myself shopping over my lunch break.

HA! That's a laugh!

I am a bookworm, always have been. I love to read. So I had an hour to kill until A got home from babysitting last night, and I snuggled up on the couch with a book.

From page 7 (after a tangent about what it's like to be pregnant): "That's the strange thing about being a mother: Until you have a baby, you don't even realize how much you were missing one."

Riiiiiiight. Needless to say that book will be returned to the library unread. I spent the hour reading infertility blogs, instead.

Symptom Watch: nothing to report.

POAS dilemma (8dpo): slowly driving me insane.

*edited: I POAS. I'm glad I did. It was decisively negative. So the trigger shot is officially out of my system and I no longer have to fear a false positive. I don't think I will make an appt with the doctor. I can't bear the thought of getting the news at my desk at work, surrounded by fertile myrtles. The privacy of my home will work just fine.

Feeling better!

Not a lot to update, but as I promised to write every day this month, here I am.

7dpo and nary a symptom to be found. I'm a bit tired, but I kind of am every Saturday. I feel like A and I wasted our day because we just woke up from a three hour nap, but we both needed it. I have had brief sensation down there but nothing that clearly says "cramp", and I'm worried I'm heading into a no-man's land of constipation (thanks to the progesterone). I've been trying to be a good girl and take my Benefiber supplements but I don't think they're working!

I feel a lot better after Thursday night/Friday morning's rough spot. I'm in a better place, but I'm still glad I didn't agree to babysit. Instead, I'm going to my dear friend's house and we're going to have a Glee-a-thon or a Friends-a-thon or some other fun show, we haven't decided.

Still haven't decided what to do about POAS. I don't want to put myself through testing this weekend to see if the shot is out of my system. So there really is no good reason to POAS next Wednesday as planned - if I see a positive I'll be terrified that it's false, and if I see a negative I'll need the whole day to pick the little pieces of myself up off the ground.

I'm thinking of going in on Thursday (12dpo) for a blood test, if my doctor will even allow that -- I don't know if she will. I would go Friday (13dpo), but then I wouldn't get results till Monday. I will have to call and ask what they think. Although I don't know that I really want to get the call at work during the day on Friday and have to deal with the news that way, regardless of the result.

So yeah, not a lot going on here...just the same old mindfuck that is the 2ww : )

It hurts.

Disclaimer: what follows is self-indulgent, overwhelmingly negative, and pretty depressing. If you came here today for a fun little ray of sunshine, stop reading now!

Today I feel awful. Not physically, mind you – that would be exciting in a perverted way. Nope, today I feel like a truly awful person, and I’m also sad.

Remember how the other day I told you about A’s cousin (B) and his wife (S) and how I went to her baby shower a year ago this month and cried for two hours afterwards because I wanted to be pregnant and I wasn’t? Well A and B are pretty close, and though they live over an hour apart, they see each other every couple of months. B and S got married exactly one year before we did. At one point in 2009, A and B had a conversation about how both couples were getting ready to start TTC in August of 09. “How exciting!” A told me. “Maybe B and I can have kids at the same time and raise them together!” Riiiiiiight.

Well S went off BCP a few months before August, their TTC start date, and got pregnant immediately. Obviously, it didn’t work that way for us. Have I mentioned she’s about 8 years older than I am?

The last time the four of us hung out was in February when we went to visit the new baby. S said something about sending me her fertility vibes because they knew we were trying and she was just so super fertile (thanks so much, they’re obviously working). We invited them to our Halloween party but they declined.

Last night I was perusing facebook and noticed that the play B is directing opens this weekend. I was kind of surprised that they didn’t invite us to come see it – they have in the past. A couple of hours later, S called. Before A picked up the phone, I half jokingly said “No, we do not want to babysit”.

I was right, they wanted us to babysit. The worst part was that A wanted to and I just knew I couldn’t. He is such an adorable kid. Just thinking about spending a couple of hours with him, I felt the raw pain of wanting one of my own. Not to mention, they haven’t invited us to hang out with them in 9 months and now they call asking for a favor? And they knew back in February that we had been trying for a couple months. Shouldn’t they be sensitive enough to think that maybe we’re having trouble and don’t want to spend time with their baby?

What hurts more though, is that A wanted to go. He wanted to see them and see the baby. It hurts me that I can’t give him one of our own. It hurts me that I can’t be a cheery, happy, carefree wife and go babysit with him without letting it ruin my weekend as I know it would. It hurts me that I have to plan my life around things that don’t involve pregnancy and babies because it cuts me to the core. It hurts me that there are so many of us infertiles who have to poke and prod themselves, shoving pills “where the sun don’t shine”, waiting with bated breath through 2wws, suffering losses and setbacks and devastating BFNs. It hurts me that I am such a selfish, jealous person that I resent someone else’s blessings.

Symptom Watch 3-5dpo

First, you must picture the Symptom watch as a super enthusiastic team of newscasters, with cheesy music and some over-the-top logos. Think “election watch” or the “Santa watch” on Christmas eve. Like “dododododododo welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to tonight’s installment of SYMPTOM WATCH!” as the nation tunes in intently.

Well I have noticed a couple of interesting things but I’m not sure that they mean much. 3dpo (Tuesday), I got nauseous twice. Once around 3 pm which I dismissed as being due to the burrito I had for lunch. Once around 8:30 pm which I cured by eating saltine crackers. I also had a killer headache that day and was more tired than usual.

4dpo (yesterday) I felt great all day and around 8:30 pm started feeling some mild cramping. It was seriously mild, hardly uncomfortable at all, I might have not even noticed it if I hadn’t been lying very still on the couch reading a book at the time. It lasted about half an hour. I’m 100% positive this came from my uterus and not from gas or anything like that. I got really excited but I think now that it was way too early for implantation cramping. Implantation at 4dpo would make for one speedy little embryo, so I’m trying not to get my hopes up.

I keep telling myself that all of these things (cramps, headaches, fatigue, nausea) can just as easily be side effects from the millions of hormones I have been putting into my body, and not symptoms of pregnancy. Obviously, it’s too early to be feeling pregnancy symptoms, right? But I’m getting hopeful despite myself. I can picture the positive result on the HPT. I hope I’m not setting myself up for a giant letdown, but I think the positive attitude can only help. : )

A self-indulgent chronicle of a girl wanting a baby.

When I was a freshman in high school, I regularly babysat my band director’s kid. He was generally a pain in the butt (one time he opened up a PB&J sandwich and threw it at the wall – messy side out. It stuck good), and I did it for the money, not because of any deep bond between the two of us.

One day at marching band practice (shut up), the director’s wife came to drop something off and brought the little tike. He saw me from several yards away, and I saw his eyes light up as he mispronounced my name (which isn’t really Lulu, btw) and ran towards me, excited to see me. My stomach flip flopped over on itself. That was the first time I knew that my life would always lack something until I was a mom.

---

When I started my final semester of college, I panicked. I had planned to get my English degree and move to The Big City to work in the publishing industry. But I had been dating A for several months, and all of a sudden it became very clear that I didn’t want to live in The Big City. I wanted to settle down here and have a family. And I couldn’t do much with my English degree here.

So I decided I would keep going to school to get a second Bachelor’s degree in elementary education. I got a couple of jobs working with kids. They weren’t as fulfilling as I thought. That’s when I realized I didn’t want to work taking care of other people’s kids my own life…I wanted to have my own. I didn’t ever get that second Bachelor’s and I entered the work force instead…at a daycare taking care of infants.

---

Right before college graduation I had a LEEP. I had cervical dysplasia and I had gotten HPV from an ex-boyfriend. I was hopelessly in love with A at this time and saw my future with him laid out clearly in front of me. I was terrified that the HPV (which can swim right through condoms, goddamnit) and the LEEP would hurt our chances at having babies, and I was (understandably) terrified at having part of my cervix burned off. As they prepared me for the procedure, I was crying, and the nurse looked up at me and said “Lulu, do you want to have kids someday?” I started crying harder, said yes, and she said “this won’t have any effect on that.” (The procedure was a bitch and I had ashy, foul-smelling discharge for 6 weeks. Afterwards, they told me they forgot to prescribe Valium like they usually do. Damnit! But the dysplasia and the HPV are gone!)

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When A and I got engaged, I told him I wanted to go off the pill right after the honeymoon. I wanted babies NOW and what if (god forbid) it took a while to get pregnant? He wasn’t flipped about that plan, and we agreed to wait till our first anniversary to start TTC. I grudgingly admitted that this was a good idea. I had a countdown on my laptop to when I could go off the pill.

---

The summer of our wedding (2008), A and I were at the pool. There was an adorable couple with a brand new baby. They were splashing his toes in the water and he was giggling. It was like a flippin’ Hallmark commercial. We weren’t married yet, but I yearned for a baby of my own, and seeing them made me sad for what I didn’t have yet. A comforted me: “In two years, you’ll be pregnant!”

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Last November, I went to a baby shower for S, my husband’s cousin’s wife. I don’t have any problems with her, but we’re not friends. My one-year deadline had come and gone with A and we still weren’t TTC. I resented my job and the company I worked for because they didn’t provide good enough benefits to afford a pregnancy and delivery. I resented A’s job for working him the way they did without providing benefits. I was angry and bitter. I wanted it to be me having the baby shower, so badly that I could hardly fake a smile. I wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. I cried all the way home and berated myself for being a selfish, jealous woman…someone I did not want to be.

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A year later, we have been TTC for 11 months, but I have desperately wanted a baby for much longer than that. When I started the TTC journey, I already had the feelings of jealousy and bitterness towards pregnant people. I already had the anxiety, the doubts, the frustrations…just not quite the same as they are currently. I know that I haven’t had a tragic or tough journey thus far. We haven’t experienced any losses and the procedures have been minimally invasive. But I was already fed up and impatient when I started. All of these memories are like bruises on my heart, and I don’t see them fading until we have a baby of our own.

These are the places my mind goes during the two week wait.

Ambiguity

Today, instead of sitting at my desk, I went to a class about Emotional Intelligence. I learned all sorts of things, like how to be an empathetic listener and yada yada yada. It was based on Myers-Briggs and was supposed to help you learn more about your "type" (I'm an INFJ).

The major thing I took away from the day was when the instructor said something about how types like mine "Don't handle ambiguity well." Oh boy!! Can we get any more accurate there people? No, I don't handle ambiguity well and what is the two week wait other than two weeks of mind-numbing ambiguity?

The problem with being PUPO is that I'm not sure how far to take it. I do a lot of yoga (by that I mean I attend class at least once a week and teach 3-4 classes a week) and I know vaguely what you can/can't do when you're pregnant. I've been trying to stick to those rules, even though it makes me feel extremely silly. I'm taking two prenatal vitamins in the morning instead of my usual one. I refused to take Ibuprofen for my killer headache this afternoon. But that's about it. I don't feel pregnant so it's hard to pretend like I am. I hope to start feeling pregnant soon, but for now, no dice.

The only symptoms I have noticed are fatigue and frequent headaches, as well as a state of feeling "flushed" a lot, especially when I'm sleeping. I think that's all progesterone. This morning I had a slight twingy feeling in my lower abdomen which may have been uterus-related and may have been imagined. I was so tired after work that I came home and took a nap for an hour, which I NEVER do.

Sorry for the incredibly boring blog post.

PUPO

Feeling completely normal today, except I’m a bit space-heady -- to my boss’s chagrin. Oh well! I can’t really blame that on the baby-making process at all because I’m like that a lot. : )

A is considering me PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) and I am playing along. I’m still a bit dismayed by the lack of symptoms in my body but trying not to read too much into it. At this point I’m not sure what to do if I get some “ovulation symptoms”, anyway, so I’m trying to stop squeezing my boobs.

Progesterone suppositories are a bit weird and a little messy, but not nearly as bad as I thought they’d be. More than anything, I’m glad to have them keeping me company during the 2ww. It makes me feel like I’m “doing something” instead of just twiddling my thumbs.

Since I allegedly ovulated sometime over night on Saturday/Sunday morning, I wasn’t sure what to consider my O date. I decided on Saturday, because that lets me test one day sooner. ; ) The earliest I will let myself test is 11dpo (next Wednesday), although I’m considering testing sometime this weekend (7-8dpo) for control purposes to see if the shot is out of my system. Haven’t made a decision on that one yet. I’m really terrified of a false positive, probably more terrified than I am of a negative.

Happy Monday to everyone!

Legs in the air

Well I feel like I have spent a lot of time this weekend either having sex or laying in bed with my legs in the air. I haven't spent much time cleaning my house, which desperately needs it, or really doing anything productive. Oh well.

I am a little confused. The trigger shot allegedly makes you ovulate within 36-40 hours. So I should have ovulated roughly between 10:15 pm and 2:15 am last night. However, I have felt none of the ovulation symptoms that I thought I had around CD25 last time. My breasts refuse to be tender no matter how much I squeeze them, and hours of staring at my underwear has yielded nary a drop of CM.

So I figure this means:

1. I ovulated without any symptoms. A few queries to Dr. Google indicated that the trigger shot doesn't exactly give you a choice - you will ovulate shortly after receiving it.
2. Maybe I didn't ovulate last cycle, or at least not when I thought I did. Or else, maybe regular ovulation and ovulation w/the shot create different symptoms.

Anyway, I am trying not to worry over the lack of symptoms. My hubby tells me to trust science, Dr. Lovely, and the ovidrel instead of worrying about "witchcraft", aka reading the body for symptoms. lol.

Now I embark on my two week wait, and begin progesterone suppositories tonight!

Awkward Infertility Moments 101

"We'll come over around 6, you guys can order dinner, and we'll book our flights and watch Harry Potter 6."

"Okay! Sounds fun!"

"But we have to leave around 9:30 to get home."

"...."

"Doctor's orders."

A very good day, indeed

My appointment today went as well as it possibly could have. I had two follicles on my left big enough to trigger. I didn’t get the exact measurements because I was close to tears with relief just seeing them on the screen. Ever since Tuesday I’ve had a dull ache of anxiety, like when I have an impending job interview, and it all melted away.

I can’t explain my happiness and relief at this news. Two follicles and I’m getting ready to ovulate. We have been trying for 11 months and this is legitimately the first time I actually get to try. My first month off the pill I (foolishly) thought I was ovulating and I thought I was experiencing the 2WW, but I wasn’t. Same with the false positive OPK I got in April. But this time I know for sure that we have a chance to get pregnant this month. I am giddy with the gift that clomid has given me.

My lining was about 7.3 I believe, they said the like to see it a bit thicker than that but it’s not too bad. No evidence that the clomid has destroyed it yet.

I got my Ovidrel shot (hardly hurt at all), and a Rx for progesterone supplements (inserted vaginally twice a day for two weeks). I wasn’t surprised about that because I did have the short luteal phase last cycle (9 days). I’m so thankful that my new OBGYN takes these extra steps to provide me the best care possible. I feel certain that the last practice wouldn’t have taken the extra precaution with the progesterone.

This is also where all the blog reading comes in handy. If I hadn’t spent millions of hours reading stories about various infertility treatments, I would be scared and appalled by the thought of inserting pills in my vagina!! But I hardly blinked at the nurse.

All of the timing works out for intercourse 24, 36 and 48 hours post shot (10am Saturday, 10 pm Saturday, 10 am Sunday – it’s going to be like our honey moon again). I asked what day I could start taking HPTs at home. The nurse told me she would prefer if I didn’t – that I should wait for my period and call for a blood test if it doesn’t come. As she was talking I was thinking “Yeah right, crazy lady.” And as soon as we got out the door I told dear A “you know I’m still going to test at home, right?” and he laughed. Of course I am.

The pregnant ladies in the office couldn’t even damper my positivity today. I was bracing myself as we parked before the appointment and said something about the pregnant ladies in the waiting room. A looked at me and said “Give me a minute and I’ll go in and throw sheets over all of them. I’ll let you know when it’s clear.” That made me laugh harder than I’ve laughed in a long time. He’s the best.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend. Think of me while we’re humping like bunnies at home.

Take that, Polyanna

Almost immediately after I wrote yesterday’s post declaring my new, more optimistic outlook…it was tested brutally.

I was sitting in my cube, working (reading blogs), when I heard a coworker at his supervisor’s desk. I didn’t hear what he said but I heard his boss say “That’s so exciting! Congratulations!” My first thought was “well they’re in their 50s so at least this isn’t a pregnancy announcement”.

Well, not exactly. His daughter is pregnant. Then I heard him come around the corner to the cubes across from me and tell each co-worker individually the good news: “I’m going to be a grandpa!” (his daughter got married in June) “She’s due two days after their first anniversary.” (lucky fucks) “They weren’t trying, but they’re very excited.” (hmmmm must be nice)

The first few times I was fine, but by the time he got to the female co-workers I had heard this conversation 5 times, and then he pulled out the picture of the sonogram she had sent and I heard “Ohhh look I see the head…are those the little fingers?”

Still thinking I was okay, just mildly annoyed, I got up and went across the office to a co-worker’s desk who knows vaguely whats up (“we’re going through infertility treatments, I’m upset about it” is as specific as I have gotten with her). I told her “I can’t be around him anymore because I can’t hear about accidental pregnancies and adorable little sonograms.” Saying the word sonogram was enough to unleash the tears. I full out “ugly-cried” right there at her desk. Luckily I could surreptitiously gather my coat and purse and go out to the car to finish my crying.

I’m better now. It takes an hour or so for a pregnancy announcement to wear off, but in the moment it feels like multiple kicks to the stomach. Or like my heart is being stabbed with a screwdriver.

I don’t know why I have tended towards the depressive this week…maybe it’s the after-effects of the clomid, but I don’t think so. I have struggled with mild depression my whole life so I can’t exactly blame 100% of it on the hormones. I’m puzzled because I’m actually pretty positive about my appointment tomorrow and the progress of this cycle. So it seems odd for the crushing feelings of hopelessness and isolation to come now.

The world works in mysterious ways…

PS I’m doing that 30 posts in 30 days or NaNovWrWTF month or whatever it’s called. I’m too lazy to find the pretty badges and put them up, but I’m going to write every day this month. Lucky you. : )

Bitter is the new PCOS

I feel bad that my post was so negative yesterday. A 12 and an 11 follicle! I should be so happy about that! (my mind is screaming TWINS TWINS TWINS!!!) It’s way better than last time and signs are pointing towards ovulation this month, which seems like a minor miracle in and of itself. After 10 months of anovulation you would think I’d be jumping for joy that I have something growing on my ovaries at all besides a bunch of tiny cysts. But very quickly this positive outcome just becomes one more step on the path to being pregnant, which is an uncertainty. And I hate uncertainty.

And who I am to judge the pregnant people in the waiting room? Of course through the bitter, infertile glasses I was wearing at the time they were all super fertile and taking their pregnancies for granted. But of course not all of them are. Maybe one of them is even there after IVF and I have absolutely no right to begrudge her her pregnancy. Some day I hope to be sitting in that waiting room pregnant and I don’t want someone to resent me for being there.

I am trying to visualize my follicles growing. I figured out that 12mm is .47 of an inch and I’ve got a sketch of that in my head and sometimes I just focus on it growing and growing.

One thing that really helps through all this is reading other people’s tales of infertility. I’m especially grateful for a new blog friend, Drevas, who is on a very similar cycle to mine. We even have matching appointments on Friday!

After doing some googling yesterday I found some fun articles that you may enjoy:

Performance Anxiety at the Fertility Clinic – written by a man, about giving a semen sample while he and his wife were grappling with secondary infertility

The Father of Infertility -- this one made me cry. Written by a woman who lost her mother at a young age and learned to lean on her father for support during infertility.
Putting egg whites where the sun don't shine. Oh the crazy things we do to try to get pregnant!
Enjoy your reading!

12mm and 11mm

Appointment today went alright. I have a 12mm follicle on my left ovary and an 11mm one on my right. They don’t use the Ovidrel until they’re at least 18.5mm, ideally 20. I have another appointment on Friday morning to see if they’re growing…apparently they grow around 2mm a day. So 12 and 11 is better than nothing, I just hope they get bigger by Friday.

The u/t was extremely nice and gentle and she really took her time. She probably spent 10 minutes poking around, so I feel confident that she got a good look. She showed me the pictures.

I was really bummed leaving the office. I didn’t get bad news, but there were so many adorable pregnant women in the waiting room. One lady was there with her brand new baby and everyone was making a huge fuss. I felt like I might as well have been marked with a scarlet letter “I” for “Infertile” or “F” for “Freak of Nature”. Seriously, why is it so hard for some people to do this?

I’m feeling less depressed now, but still kind of blue. At least I’m not dead tired like I was yesterday!

Tired.

Extremely, extremely tired. Yesterday and today. Yesterday I blamed it on the partying, but seriously, I’m not that old that two drinks on Saturday night should make for an exhausted Monday.

I blame the clomid. I don’t know if that’s legit since I haven’t actually taken any in two days, but still. Clomid, it is all your fault.

I am so tired that I sat at my desk most of the day trying to decide how to spend my lunch break. At 2, I still had not taken a lunch. I walked out to my car, got in, and realized I was too tired to go anywhere. So I went back to work and decided I’ll take that 30 minutes some other time when I don’t feel miserable.

Appointment at 9:50 tomorrow. I have to remember to bring my Ovidrel with me. I thought about making myself a note, and then had a good laugh over the notion that I would forget about the appointment for a single second between now and then.

Or, I would have had a good laugh, had I not been so tired.