Monday, January 31, 2011

The way it once was

This may not be a big shocker to you all, but I'm not new to blogging. Since junior high, I have kept up some sort of online journal, back before blogs existed.

Since I had a conniption last night over TheBookofPregnantPeopleBeingShovedInYourFace (known to fertiles as Facebook), my sweet hubby changed my password so I'm not tempted to log on for a while. So I have been revisiting my old self via my LiveJournal account that I kept from 2004-2007.

I found a way to convert my journal into a .pdf (which is almost 400 pages) and have been reading my way through what seems like someone else's life. It's incredible how much I have changed since then.

Mainly, I'm realizing that what I thought of at the time as just bad body image is now, looking back, seriously disordered eating. (Oddly enough, I'm uglier and fatter now than I was then, but I like myself more, too. I credit yoga for this transformation. More on that another day.)

My journal is rarely introspective. Usually I just logged what I did that day, what friends I saw, if I hung out with my boyfriend at all, what I ate, if I exercised, if I felt fat that day or not (almost always yes), and what my weekend plans were. But it's fascinating in an anthropologic sense. My days were at once thrilling and tedious.

What will I think in seven years when I look back on this blog?


It's interesting that infertility, which by its very nature forces you to wish your days away until you can finally emerge, panting but alive, on the other side, struck me at a time when I'm very much focused on trying to enjoy my life.

Looking back on high school, college, my engagement...I realize it all went by way too fast. And I'll never get those years back. Some days, I ache for them.

Years from now, I will look back on this time with the same sweet ache. I will remember infertility as painful, but I'll have children which will make it all seem worthwhile. I will wistfully remember sleeping in on weekends, entire evenings full of snuggling on the couch and reading. No big responsibilities. Margaritas on the weekends with my friends. Cruises to the Caribbean. Lots of quality time with my husband.

It struck me as I fell asleep last night: Infertility and its demons aside, I love my life. I am absolutely in love with my husband. I adore the home we picked out together. I like the small town we live in. I have a couple of really good friends, whom I treasure. I have two sweet dogs that I can always turn to when humans disappoint me. My parents are both loving and healthy. My sister is in college and has a bright future. My job is enjoyable, and I'll likely be promoted soon. Things are good.

This is not the life I would have imagined in 2004. But it is my life. I am determined to enjoy it more.


Jem said...

I'm right there with you. I too am grateful for what I have. I hope someday to look back on this whole period and be more compassionate for myself. I hope to have those kids you described. It's hard to be hopeful.

Anonymous said...

I love going back and reading old stuff I've written. I'm always amazed at how different, and yet, how completely the same I am.

Good for you for realizing the good things... I need to learn to do a bit more of that.

Still A Guest Room said...

Beautiful post...I love that you are always able to find the good amidst the bad!

Alex said...

What a wonderful post! I love how grateful you are for today's life - what an important lesson.

And how fascinating to read what you've written before. Interesting perspective, I'm sure.

Erika said...

"It struck me as I fell asleep last night: Infertility and its demons aside, I love my life. I am absolutely in love with my husband."

This is one of the many lines of your blog posts recently that have stated exactly how I'm feeling at that very moment.

I'm going through very similar situations right now. Got told I have some funky, yet unknown the specifics of, uterine abnormality. We also decided we were not willing to keep going until there was a miscarriage before finding out exactly what's going on in there.

Thanks for sharing your story. It makes me feel so much more validated in my feelings as my ob/gyn is making me feel like I'm over-reacting. Hopefully my doctor will be willing to follow through when I ask. Good luck with everything!

Roccie said...

This is complete and total awesomeness. I would love to see inside my young head. Or would I??

Blizzard was so fun. Really, I mean it. Worked from home for 3 days. Sort of.