Wednesday, January 12, 2011

5dpiui - 2ww ramblings

The weird thing about the two week wait is that you, the owner of the uterus in question, are entirely powerless.

If the egg is going to be fertilized, it has already happened. Nothing I did or didn’t do affected the outcome (so my last-minute panicked “I should have shaved my legs!” before the IUI was completely irrational, I know).

If the embryo is going to implant, it won’t be for a few more days. Again, I have no control over whether it implants or not. Of course I choose not to drink myself into a stupor or pick up a heroine habit during these two weeks, but empirically we know that it doesn’t really matter anyway. Drunks and druggies get pregnant all the time.

It takes an enormous amount of patience and faith to trust my body to do this. My body, which doesn’t ovulate on its own, is supposed to figure out how to get the egg fertilized and get it to stick in the right spot? It seems nearly impossible that it could happen. And the fact that when it does happen, it will be without any knowledge or participation on my part, just floors me. It makes more and more sense every day why people call babies “miracles”.

I just wish I had a part to play in the actual fertilization and implantation, the way I have a part to play in growing the follicles, ovulating, and inseminating. I wish I could offer some words of encouragement to my reproductive system (“You can do this, I believe in you, don’t let me down”). Or, if I can’t actively play a role, I wish there were some sort of window in my abdomen so I could peek in and see what’s going on in there.  

I know these are silly, unproductive thoughts. The two week wait makes me feel, at best, curious and at worst, helpless. I wish I was a person who believed “It’s all in God’s hands now,” but I don’t. I believe it’s all just random chance, and that’s hard for a control freak like me!

7 comments:

Marissa said...

I hear you exactly! Releasing control over anything, especially something I want so badly as a baby, is very difficult. The two week wait is sheer torture, and I don't get more patient as time goes on.

That is why God invented cheap pregnancy tests. ;)

The Hudack Family said...

On man the 2WW is the worst. I find myself thinking about it all day everyday. I try not to but my mind wonders right back. Tomorrow is two weeks from my first IUI and I'm waiting to test and praying it will be positive but throughout all this process I've lost a little faith in my body. Best of luck to you :)
www.thehudackfamiliy.blogspot.com

IF'er said...

I couldn't have said it better myself! I'll be starting my waiting period at the end of the week and I know it's gonna be so rough, for the reasons you mentioned.

Still A Guest Room said...

The lack of control is so hard. I just wish there were some magic formula for us. Good luck waiting!

Alex said...

The 2WW is the absolute worst! I also wish there was something we could do during that time, but unfortunately there's not. Try to keep busy - it always seems to help - a little...

Drevas said...

I also hate feeling so helpless during the 2ww... it's so frustrating! As much as I hate the progesterone suppositories, it's the only thing that I feel might be "helping" things along!

I hope that the next few days go by quickly for you!

Pookey and Me,,, said...

I hear you...

Logic on the one hand...

Hope and faith and fear on the other...

Would have...should have...could have...vs its biology.

UGH.