(I know, I know, this post is all poor me. But I’m sure those of you with PCOS can relate)
Today I want to write about my acne. I’m having a hard time on the acne front. I had mild acne off and on through middle school and high school but was able to successfully treat it with antibiotics. My acne is 100% hormonal, so topical and drug store products such as Proactiv have never been effective. Pills are the way to go.
Throughout college, I was on my parent’s insurance so I took Yasmin, the mother of all BCP, and my face was impeccably clear. All the time. Shortly after graduation, I got a job that didn’t offer benefits so I needed private insurance. I paid $50 a month for a generic BCP, which sent my acne spiraling out of control.
A few months before we started TTC, I broke down and paid out of pocket to go to the dermatologist. She put me on medicine that actually started helping. I had clear skin. It was miraculous.
Then (dun dun duhhhhh) we started TTC so I couldn’t take those pills anymore. Since then I have alternated between different antibiotic creams and gels that are pregnancy-safe, and while they might help a bit, my acne is deplorable.
My horrible complexion, coupled with a few pounds I gained in 2010 and the fact that my PCOS symptoms are out of control since I’ve been off BCP for over a year now, is really ruining my self-esteem. I hate photos of myself. I hate sitting under a lamp at a restaurant, or sitting to close to someone, or (horror of horrors) sitting outside in the sunlight with friends. I find myself drifting off when talking to friends and envying their clear skin. It’s pathetic.
Yesterday, I was home alone and we had no groceries, but I was so disgusted by my face that I didn’t even want to go out in public. I ate a plate of frozen tater tots for lunch instead of going to the store. Saturday, we wanted to “do the deed” in the morning to make the most of my ovulation. I woke up and snuck into the shower and downstairs to put on makeup because I couldn’t stand the thought of A looking at my gross face as it was. I am dreading the photos from my upcoming cruise, knowing that they will all need to be retouched before they’re facebook ready, and even then, I will look bad.
And I know there’s no chance of this improving soon, because it may be months longer till I get pregnant, and then 9 months of pregnancy plus hopefully some months of breastfeeding before I can go back on the drugs.
It’s enough that PCOS makes having a baby feel next-to-impossible sometimes. Why does it have to make me so ugly too?