Monday, January 10, 2011

Eff you, PCOS.

(I know, I know, this post is all poor me. But I’m sure those of you with PCOS can relate)

Today I want to write about my acne. I’m having a hard time on the acne front. I had mild acne off and on through middle school and high school but was able to successfully treat it with antibiotics. My acne is 100% hormonal, so topical and drug store products such as Proactiv have never been effective. Pills are the way to go.

Throughout college, I was on my parent’s insurance so I took Yasmin, the mother of all BCP, and my face was impeccably clear. All the time. Shortly after graduation, I got a job that didn’t offer benefits so I needed private insurance. I paid $50 a month for a generic BCP, which sent my acne spiraling out of control.

A few months before we started TTC, I broke down and paid out of pocket to go to the dermatologist. She put me on medicine that actually started helping. I had clear skin. It was miraculous.

Then (dun dun duhhhhh) we started TTC so I couldn’t take those pills anymore. Since then I have alternated between different antibiotic creams and gels that are pregnancy-safe, and while they might help a bit, my acne is deplorable.  

My horrible complexion, coupled with a few pounds I gained in 2010 and the fact that my PCOS symptoms are out of control since I’ve been off BCP for over a year now, is really ruining my self-esteem. I hate photos of myself. I hate sitting under a lamp at a restaurant, or sitting to close to someone, or (horror of horrors) sitting outside in the sunlight with friends. I find myself drifting off when talking to friends and envying their clear skin. It’s pathetic.

Yesterday, I was home alone and we had no groceries, but I was so disgusted by my face that I didn’t even want to go out in public. I ate a plate of frozen tater tots for lunch instead of going to the store. Saturday, we wanted to “do the deed” in the morning to make the most of my ovulation. I woke up and snuck into the shower and downstairs to put on makeup because I couldn’t stand the thought of A looking at my gross face as it was. I am dreading the photos from my upcoming cruise, knowing that they will all need to be retouched before they’re facebook ready, and even then, I will look bad.

And I know there’s no chance of this improving soon, because it may be months longer till I get pregnant, and then 9 months of pregnancy plus hopefully some months of breastfeeding before I can go back on the drugs.

It’s enough that PCOS makes having a baby feel next-to-impossible sometimes. Why does it have to make me so ugly too?


Still A Guest Room said...

I'm sorry you're dealing with on acne and PCOS.

DtheRN said...

Sorry girl...I feel your pain. I had beautiful skin on Yaz. With hubby diagnosed with azoo I sometimes contemplate giving up on a miracle and just going back to that miracle drug for awhile. My face is so oily somedays I swear people squint to see me. Oh PCOS why are you so mean to us? I have found though, for me, that Bare Minerals makeup does the job most days. Acne isn't much improved but I'm not an oil slick!
After all we go through, your allowed a post indulgent to your woes.

Michelle said...

PCOS is a bitch. I am so sorry for this crap time. I feel this way a lot too. **big hugs**

Pookey and Me,,, said...

I hear you...I have photos of me at 23 holding my brand new nephew...and I looked like a prepubescent pizza pie. At 36 while PCOS still runs rampant the acne has gotten better...there is hope!!!

Anonymous said...

i can SO relate to this.
my neck decided to break out this week.
how great is that?
i'm having some luck (albeit slight) with avon and my spiffy new clarisonic. but PCOS would be SO much more manageable if it was just one symptom at a time. sigh.

IF'er said...

I have struggled w/ cystic acne my whole life. Well since I was about 12 and I'm 30 now so it feels like my whole life! BCP always kept it under control for me too (I took Yasmin too, my bff), and when I went off of them last year I reverted back the cystic acne. I went to my derm and he put me on Cephalexin capsules. And it's really worked for me. I'm not 100% clear, I don't think i ever will be, but it's def under control and it's not the really painful cyctic acne like I'd been having. Nothing a little makeup can't handle. I've been on it since March of last year. My derm says it's okay to take until we get pregnant and my RE confirmed. And I like it b/c I haven't had the side effects w/ it that I'd had with the cycline family and Clindamycin didn't do jack for me.
So if you haven't given Cephalexin a shot yet, maybe look in to it.

Denver Laura said...

Yeah, I was on all those different meds when I was 11. Yup, 11. I begged my mom to put me on bcp just to control the acne. She said at 16 I was too young for that. She didn't like it when I started it in college. But it got my acne under control.

I do get flare ups on occasion now. Now they seem to be on the sides of my nose, or smack on the end of it. I just hope the oil helps keep the wrinkles away... That's what I'm hoping for anyway,

Kerrik said...

I know I'm late to this post, but I just came to your blog for the first time. Found you through Cycle Sistas. I feel your pain with the acne from PCOS. I had beautiful skin on BCPs all the way up through my college years and beyond. now I am often afraid to look in a mirror or get too close to my husband, and the baby safe creams I've been using since TTC mostly just irritate me without doing much else. It has gotten a little better, but it seems like the redness and scarring makes it so you can't even tell the difference. :(