2011 in review

I don’t actually expect anyone to read this, it’s really for my own purposes.

I had already met my deductible by January 3 thanks to monitoring appointments for our first IUI! I was inseminated on Friday, January 7. It didn’t work. I had a pelvic exam to examine the weird vagina, AKA vaginal septum. It was at this appointment that my OB and I discussed that my bicornuate uterus could also be a septate uterus and that only a laparoscopy could tell. So after a great deal of tears, I scheduled the lap.

In February we had a giant blizzard that shut down the entire county for two days. I spent it curled up at home eating Crunch Berries and reading the Hunger Games. I had my laparoscopy, which revealed that my uterus is perfectly shaped and the HSG was just plain wrong (WTF?) and that I had mild endometriosis, even thought I had no symptoms (surprise!) and that I had ovulated on my own for the first time since TTC (hooray!).

In March my friend told me she was pregnant, putting a big strain on our already burdened friendship. We took a vacation and a quick break from trying. We went on a cruise to Turks and Caicos, Half Moon Cay, and Nassau. We went snorkeling in Turks and Caicos and horseback riding in the Bahamas. I drank a lot. It was a great time. To the surprise of my family, taking a vacation was not the magic cure they had hoped it would be. Still not pregnant!

On April Fools Day, we were inseminated yet again. This negative cycle tore me apart. Also in April, my already strained friendship with one of my closest friends completely fell apart. I spent the whole month in despair as we waited to see the RE. I went on Welbutrin.

I spent most of May partying and enjoying our break. On May 23 we made our first of many trips to the RE. Waiting to go into that appointment was the oddest type of anticipation for me. We liked him immediately and he gave us a choice between IUI w/injectables and IVF. It was a big decision to make, and I was so preoccupied the next day that I went to work with two different shoes on. Also in May, people actually started coming to my support group!

In June I got promoted at work and we quietly got the ball rolling for IVF #1. We got our infectious disease tests and I took BCP. On Tuesday, June 28 we did our very first at-home injection (Lupron).

We took one day in July to go to Six Flags and ride roller coasters/water rides and revel in not being pregnant. I spent my 25^th birthday at the RE and cried all the way home. I packed up my Lupron, Bravelle, and Menopur to begin stims for IVF #1 while visiting friends in Des Moines. We retrieved 8 eggs. 5 did not fertilize, and of the three that were ICSI-d, only one fertilized normally. I spend 24 hours crying (no exaggeration) over the fert report, because my eggs had failed me. We transferred a 6 cell embryo on day 3. My friend had a baby and I went to the hospital to meet him during my 2ww.

On August 2, our third anniversary, we found out IVF #1 failed. It was a dismal anniversary. Never in a million years did I dream we’d be married three years and have no child. On the same day that I took a big exam at work, we had our follow up phone call with the RE and he cleared us to go straight into another cycle, with no break.

On September 1, I again packed up all my injections and this time, flew with them for my second ever trip to California! I spent 5 days sightseeing with a dear friend and basically ignored the fact that I had a retrieval coming up. It was a great trip, the highlight of which was seeing Muir Woods. This time, I paid dearly for my 17 eggs with painful OHSS combined with a nasty reaction to the anesthesia. I cried myself to sleep in the ER, a nurse holding one hand and my husband holding the other, saying “I just want to be a mom”. We transferred a blast and an early blast on day 5 and froze a hatching blast. On Saturday, 9/24, I got my first ever positive pregnancy test.

October was the month of the ultrasounds, at 6 and 8 weeks. The days leading up to them were always frantic for me. After the 8 week ultrasound we told my grandparents we were pregnant. It was a much anticipated and emotional day. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that day as long as I live.

In November I saw the Indigo Girls in concert for the third time. I hit the 12 week mark. I went to a baby shower and it didn’t feel like my heart was getting pulled out of my chest and stomped on.

In December I celebrated a happy Christmas with joy and gratitude in my heart. Our quad screening came back negative and we found out we are having a boy!

All in all, 2011 kicked the pants off of 2010. I would say the worst two days were

1) when I got the fert report for IVF #1

2) retrieval day for IVF #2.

The best two days were

1) the 12 week ultrasound, because the baby was so baby-like and moving around so much, it truly made me feel pregnant

2) when we found out it was a boy.

Also 3) the day we went snorkeling and got day drunk on the beach in Turks and Caicos – that was a marvelous day, too : )

It's a....

BOY!

I caved and we went to one of the elective ultrasound places (yes, the places that pre-pregnant me scornfully referred to as stupid and a waste of money).

We had a 2d sex determination ultrasound, and I could see immediately a tiny pecker between his legs!

Color me surprised because I was SURE it was a girl! But I saw the proof for myself and I wasn't even the slightest bit disappointed to be wrong.

This is going to be a hell of a ride, ladies : )

update - 16w2d

Total Weight Loss/Gain: I'm up 2 pounds since 12 weeks, which puts me at 8 pounds gained, total. I think 4 are in my belly, and 2 pounds are in each butt cheek ; )

Maternity Clothes: I still wear a lot of my own clothes to work, but the jeans are a lost cause and have been for a while.

Stretch marks: none (yet!)

Sleep:  I sleep very well. I'm in bed at 8 and usually asleep by 9. On the weekends I'll sleep 10 hours and take a two-hour nap! I wake up on my back a lot, which my pregnancy book says is a big no-no, but my OB says don't worry about it. 

Movement: Last week I thought I was preparing for a growth spurt because I felt a lot of tugging and activity in my uterus. This week I have realized it's movement. It's a gentle feeling, although I did get one swift sensation that must have been a kick or somersault or something.

Cravings/Aversions: I don't have either, really.

Sex (of baby): No clue. I thought I might be able to tell at my ultrasound today, but even if the equipment were good enough (which it's not), baby was all curled up with his/her legs tucked underneath.

Symptoms: Still emotional, although that hasn't been as bad lately. I need a lot of sleep and I'm hungry pretty much all of the time. I think I'm developing linea negra, I have a line from my belly button to my pubic bone. I don't have a lot of symptoms, overall.

What I miss: nothing!

What I look forward to: finding out the sex. ooooohhhhh I want to know so badly! my appt is 1/20.

Moods: I've been pretty happy, although irritable. 

Milestones: I had the quad screening done today, so it'll be good to get those results back. Next up is the anatomy scan.

Medical concerns: none, really. They measured my cervical length today and said it looked fine. 

Sex?: No thank you, I'll pass.

Misc:  A friend loaned me a doppler. We used it last night and found the heartbeat immediately when A touched my abdomen. It's pretty neat : )

Christmas (warning: belly pic)

It's almost Christmas.

Christmas 2009, I went off the pill and we officially started TTC. However, by that point I was already frantic for a child because I had spent months waiting to get good enough health insurance to start trying.

A few months before Christmas 2009, I went to a baby shower and cried all the way home because I wanted it to be my turn so badly, and we weren't even trying yet. So I really consider my infertility pain to have started prior to Christmas 2009.

Christmas 2009 was a very happy Christmas because my time was finally here. I was certain I'd be pregnant by June 2010, when I was in a friend's wedding and could share the news. I was glowing all throughout celebrations that year because of our secret. I was going to be a mom soon.

Things didn't work out and when I saw my (old) OB in May of 2010, she said we'll do a little Metformin, a little clomid, and "You will be pregnant by Christmas."

Christmas 2010 came and went and I hated every moment. It was nothing but a missed deadline. I especially hated my OB for turning my favorite time of year into a reminder of how I'd failed.

So that's my Christmas story. I know it's pretty silly compared to others who have been trying for longer and have endured more. But to me, it's reality.

The year 2011 included two IUIs, a laparoscopy, and 2 cycles of IVF. This year I am unspeakably blessed to look like this on Christmas:

12/17 -- 15w4d

14w6d - cheeseburgers and chewy sprees

I am failing big time at the “eating healthy” thing.

Everything I read, and I do mean everything, stresses that I should be eating a very nutritious diet these days, for many reasons, among them: 1) so baby gets good nourishment and can grow 2) so I get good nourishment and feel my best and 3) to help with a “slow and steady” approach to weight gain.

Everything I read also mentions that dieting or trying to LOSE weight during pregnancy is absolutely a no-no (duh).

I have found that I cannot reconcile these two things. I can eat one of two ways 1) eating to lose weight or 2) eating whatever I want because I don’t give a damn. I have never really known how to eat a balanced, healthy diet.

When I am eating to lose weight I count calories, eat small portions, and have a splurge every now and then. I do lose weight that way. But it doesn’t mean I’m thinking about the nutrition of what I’m eating – just the calorie content.

I’m also having a problem with the emphasis on red meat. I previously mentioned that I was an aspiring vegetarian for a year pre-pregnancy. I completely understand that adding a boneless, skinless chicken breast is a nice way to get protein and necessary fats in your diet.

But I am literally being told by my NP to sit down and eat a cheeseburger every week. In my mind, a cheeseburger is the opposite of healthy, even when you don’t consider the French fries and milkshake that so often accompany it.

So, it sounds bad, but I’ve given up on all of it. When I’m hungry for meat, I eat it. When I’m hungry for junk food, I eat that too. I try to eat at least some fruit and some vegetables every day.

What else is a confused pregnant woman supposed to do?

Still pregnant, I guess.

I don’t have a lot to update, but I’m checking in because it’s my blog and I do what I want (so there).

Today I’m 14w3d. I have been feeling great about everything until this week, which was complete shit at work and at home. I was feeling very negative and bitter already, and then I heard that Michelle Duggar just had a missed miscarriage in the second trimester.

Granted, she’s 20 full years older than I am, which probably has more to do with it than anything (because we KNOW she’s fertile), but the public nature of her miscarriage has just smacked me in the face with “you’re never out of the woods until you hold your baby in your arms”. Which isn’t really what I needed this week.

I would have preferred to gallop along naively believing that since I’m out of the first trimester I’m going to be fine.

It’s so weird when I get in this head space. I take off all my clothes and confront myself in the mirror. Belly bump is still there. Still firm, so I can’t trick myself into thinking I’m just getting fat. Nipples are still sore. Breasts are still an E cup (they were previously Cs). Chest is still very blue and veiny. No bleeding or even spotting. I’m still pregnant…unless…the baby’s heart randomly stopped beating, which I would have no way of knowing.

Then I start maniacally wondering how I can trick someone (anyone) into giving me an ultrasound. I have honestly considered calling and falsifying a report of bleeding just to get an ultrasound. The only thing that stops me is that I believe way too much in karma to tempt it with something like that.

Luckily, I don’t have to wait all the way until 20 weeks for my next scan. I have just under 2 weeks and I get one in my 16^th week. Hopefully that will sooth my anxiety for a bit.

I just wish I could feel the baby. It’s far too easy these days to convince myself I’m not pregnant at all.

NT Scan drama

I am writing this post because many of my readers will be pregnant some day and will hopefully not screw up like I did.

So, the NT scan. This is where they measure the nuchal fold via ultrasound to determine the baby’s odds of Down Syndrome and other chromosomal problems. I always assumed I would have this scan done.

Because I had ultrasounds via my RE at 6, 8, and 10 weeks, I did not get in for my “New OB” appointment until 12w1d. This is where you discuss diet, family history, pediatricians, etc. I understand this appointment usually happens earlier.

At the New OB appt they gave me some info about CF screening and a Quad Marker test. My understanding is that the Quad Marker test sometimes gives a false positive, and that viewed alongside the NT scan, you have a better idea of your risks. But no one mentioned the NT scan.

Somewhere along the way, I misunderstood and thought the NT scan happened at 20 weeks during the anatomy scan. But then I realized all of my pregnant blogging friends were having it done at 12-13 weeks.

So last night I had time and I googled “NT scan”, and realized the last day it can be done is 13w6d, which is next Monday for me.

I called my OB’s office. They said the NT scan is not offered unless you are of advanced maternal age. They don’t even do it at their office, but send you 45 minutes away to a Maternal-Fetal specialist, who only does them on Tuesdays and can’t get me in on Monday.

So, I’m bummed. I certainly wish I had been on the ball requesting the NT scan earlier because 1) It would be great to have it to go along with the Quad Marker test and 2) It’s always great to see the baby, no matter what.

But, I’m not going to let it get me down. Dr. Google told me that at age 25 my chances of having a baby with Down’s is 1:1250.

What are your opinions/experiences with the NT scan?

13 weeks

Total Weight Loss/Gain: I gained 5-6 pounds in the first trimester. The pamphlet my doctor gave me said I was only supposed to gain 3. Whoops!

Maternity Clothes: I’m going shopping with my mom this weekend for some : ) My work pants are tight and my jeans haven’t fit since week 9.

Stretch marks: none, yet (except the ones on my boobs from puberty!)

Sleep: I’m sleeping GREAT. I’ve slept like a baby most nights. I’m really enjoying it because I know baby will get here and sleep will be a distant memory.

Movement: It’s certainly happening, but I can’t feel it. It’s the most amazing thing to see via ultrasound though.

Cravings/Aversions: Nothing huge. Early on (5-7 weeks) I needed a LOT of salt. I salted everything very heavily. But that passed and lately I just want a lot more dairy than I used to.

Gender: No clue. Sometimes I have very strong girl feelings, but when I see the baby on the ultrasound screen I always call it “he”. We’ll have to wait and see.

Symptoms: Tired, crying a lot, hungry all the time, very easily winded, belly getting bigger, some headaches. Nausea seems to have passed (cross your fingers).

What I miss: nothing. I love being pregnant.

What I look forward to: 16 week cervical scan to see the baby again, 20 week scan and finding out the gender!

Moods: Generally great. Sometimes I cry for no reason but I don’t think I can actually blame that on the pregnancy.

Milestones:  I felt like hitting 12 weeks was a huge milestone. But really, every week feels like a milestone. Every Tuesday I turn over weeks, we read about the baby’s development, and we take a belly photo. This week, the baby gets fingerprints!

Medical concerns: My doctors don’t seem concerned at all. I’m concerned about gestational diabetes because of the PCOS. I’m also concerned about my cervical length since I had the LEEP, although my NP made it sound like one LEEP is no big deal. Basically I just want the baby to keep growing and come out at the right time : )

Misc: We are gearing up to paint the nursery in December and I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping. I believe I have a crib, changing table, and dresser picked out, but won’t order until February or so. We have decided to use gDiapers so I ordered a book about cloth diapering and I’m very excited to learn more. I feel fortunate to have a caring, involved husband who really agrees with me on these decisions.

13 weeks tomorrow!

Last week, the day before Thanksgiving, I had my first appointment with my OB’s staff (first official appt – the 10 week u/s was ordered by my RE). I had called the week before to politely request an ultrasound, and was politely told that it doesn’t work that way. Darn.

When we were being taken back for the appt I saw the nurse grab the little Doppler thing. I was thrilled that if I didn’t get to see the baby I would had least get to hear the little heartbeat. We chatted about my family history, and spent a long time discussing my diet. I’ve been an aspiring vegetarian for over a year now, have completely cut out pork, and had also completely cut out beef until the nurse practitioner told me I was borderline anemic and needed to eat red meat once a week. UGH, I’ve never eaten ground beef once a week in my life, but I will do anything to make the baby happy and healthy.

We talked about my anxiety, when I should call and when I should tell myself everything is okay. We debated the merits of metformin and decided to go ahead and stay on it throughout the pregnancy.

I really liked the nurse practitioner. Here I was, 12w1d pregnant, and this was the first time anyone had sat down with me (for close to an hour!) and chatted about my pregnancy. I had a whole list of questions at my 6 week appt that I didn’t get to ask, which just grew in length at the 8 and 10 week appts, when I also didn’t get to ask them. I had nearly 15 questions by the time this appointment rolled around, and she listened patiently and answered them all at length.

Things were wrapping up and she was instructing me to get ready for my pap smear, and I started panicking that she had forgotten and I wasn’t going to hear the heartbeat. So I asked, and she winked and me and said “We’re going to take a little peek.”

She told me if she didn’t take any measurements and we just watched, she didn’t have to bill it or even tell anyone we did it. The “little peek” ended up being almost 5 full minutes of watching the baby on the screen. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Every ultrasound gets better. The baby looks like a baby, and I could tell it had grown a lot since 10 weeks.

The best part was that the baby did NOT stop moving the whole time! It is seriously an unreal experience to see this tiny human dancing and twisting and turning and waving and kicking and know that it’s all happening inside of me. It’s unbelievable.

The appointment put me in the best mood. I woke up the next morning – Thanksgiving – and just cried in my dining room about how thankful I was. We were in such a tough spot last Thanksgiving that this one just seemed surreal.

My next appointment is 12/22, at 16 weeks. I would have to wait all the way till 20 weeks, but I had that nasty LEEP done so they need to monitor my cervical length. I can’t wait to see the baby again!

12 weeks! And a giveaway!

Hello everyone. I am VERY thrilled to say I have made it to 12 weeks. There is some debate about when the first trimester ends, but this calculator says that I'm out of the woods developmentally. So I'm celebrating : )

12 weeks means I'm going to announce on facebook - probably on Thursday (Thanksgiving). Now, we all know that pregnancy announcements are like a knife in the gut - probably worse - when you're infertile. I know that I want to reference my infertility in some way, but I'm not sure the most perfect way to phrase things.

Right now I'm thinking something along the lines of "A and I are very thankful to announce that we're expecting! The past two years have been difficult, but I can honestly say that now, it was all worth it."

I don't know how much detail I want to go into. Do I want to mention IVF or the word "infertility" specifically? I don't want to totally overshadow the pregnancy part of the pregnancy announcement, but I want to give a clear shout out to any of my 263 friends who may be having trouble conceiving.

I know this is a fabulous "problem" to have, so for your trouble, I have something in return: I am giving away my copy of the Circle + Bloom IUI/IVF Mind-Body Program!

To enter the giveaway, leave a comment on this post letting me know either:
1) what gives you hope in your darkest days of treatment/waiting/TTC or
2) what you'd like to see in a facebook pregnancy announcement

I'll use a random generator to pick a winner on December 1st and contact the lucky lady.

11 weeks

I am 11 weeks pregnant today. While I know anything can still happen, I am settling into the role of “pregnant woman”. It still kind of blows my mind to think about it.

I think the best thing I did for my anxiety was to start telling people. In this case, people’s naivete came in handy. Once they found out I was pregnant, they treated me like I was truly going to have a baby…which was a novel approach for me (and anyone going through infertility/loss).

Overall, I have found that when people treat you like you’re pregnant, you start feeling more pregnant yourself.

The best response I’ve gotten from my pregnancy announcements was from a co-worker. We aren’t close, but you wouldn’t know from her reaction. She immediately asked me if I got pregnant naturally, and when I said we did in vitro, she asked if it was covered under our company’s insurance. I said our state has a mandate for it to be covered. Then she asked me how much I paid out of pocket for each attempt (!). The icing on the cake was when she said “Is that why you’ve been missing so much work lately?”

Physically, I am definitely getting a round tummy. I wouldn’t call it a baby bump - it could still look like a beer gut to strangers. But if I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in a while, she would probably suspect I’m pregnant.

As far as symptoms go, I’ve still been lucky. I’ve had a few fits of nausea that have made me ill, but they go away pretty quickly. No vomiting. I have discovered the tummy-settling magic of sprite with grenadine and I drink that all the time, even ordering it at restaurants (to my husband’s embarrassment). I have crazy blue veins on my chest and boobs. I feel tired and/or dizzy a lot. I have crazy mood swings and sometimes I’m convinced my husband hates me.

All in all, I’m enjoying this roller coaster, and thankful for every moment.

9w6d

We had our 10 week ultrasound today. Everything went great. Baby looks good, measures well (measured at 9w4d but with a margin of error of a couple days, so perfect), heartbeat is 170, and we watched it wave its little arms and legs at us.

When I came home I had a meltdown. Because: anxiety. I haven't completely let go of it like I thought I had.

But after crying it out, I spent a long time staring at the sonogram photo crying tears of joy, too.

And then we bought some tiny newborn socks.

Any day now this will feel real.

9w1d - bella band is my new best friend.

Today a girl at work brought me a Bella band. As previously mentioned: BLOAT. Apparently others have noticed ; )

It was fun putting it on, and it was so much more comfortable. I feel silly for needing it at 9 weeks, but I have a road trip and concert next week (Indigo Girls) and had been dreading the drive in jeans. Jeans are impossible right now.

You know when you go shopping for wedding dresses? And no matter how poorly the first dress fits, or how it's not at all what you want, or for whatever reason, you'd never dream of buying it, you still catch your breath when you look at yourself in a wedding dress for the first time?

That's how this felt.

8w6d

Tomorrow I’ll be 9 weeks pregnant, and I know you’re all wondering how I am. The answer is: bloated, queasy, and happy.

I am bloated. I do not have the nerve to say “I’m showing”, and I don’t have a baby bump. But my pants, which in early September were sagging off of me because of the 10 pounds I lost earlier this year, are a struggle to button. Jeans are very uncomfortable. This increased bloat is only around the midsection (not face, butt, thighs, etc) and is probably a combination of 1) IVF drugs 2) large ovaries post-retrieval 3) 7 weeks on prometrium 4) a drastic decrease in my activity level and 5) all of the potato chips I’ve been eating.

I am queasy. I feel nauseous a lot, but I haven’t thrown up and for that I feel very thankful. I did dry heave this morning, and probably would have thrown up had I eaten breakfast at that point. I’m very stereotypical – sensitive to smells and anything that looks gross (dishes sitting in the sink, dog puke, meals covered in brown gravy – all of which I was exposed to on Saturday alone - yuck).

While being nauseous isn’t exactly fun, it’s such a relief to feel pregnant. I’ll take it.

I am happy. I still have occasional moment of feeling “not pregnant enough”, I still squeeze my nipples a few times a day to ensure they’re sore (my breasts aren’t sore, just the nips, although my breasts feel very heavy and pendulous). I still sometimes feel terrified when I say things like “But I’ll be on maternity leave when that project rolls out” because do I really deserve this? Should I really take it for granted that this baby will be born healthy?

But 90% of the time I’m just happy. I’m a pregnant woman. I never thought I’d get here and it makes me smile just to think about it.

I have a 10 week ultrasound next Monday (at 9w6d). I can’t wait to see the baby again. : )

8 weeks - I'm a real, live pregnant lady.

Our baby has a face, and we saw it do a little somersault! (probably because I'm still having dildocam sonograms and seriously, talk about disturbing the peace up in there for the little guy!) It has little flippers that will become arms and legs. Wild, right?

If you want to stop reading my blog, I understand. I have been there! And if you stick around, I promise I'll try to be as un-obnoxious as I can be. That said, let me annoy you with the joy in my life right now.

We told both sets of my grandparents last night, in person. I surprised them because no one knew I was in town after the doctor's appointment (no one even knew I had an appt except my parents). Everyone was wildly excited, there were tears and hugs and phone calls to aunts and uncles. It was everything I have always hoped it would be.

Think about my grandma, who had my dad and his twin sister at age 19 (then three more kids). She remembers the day my dad came over with a case of beer and said "We're having a baby!", who is now, 25 years later, coming over with that baby to say "I'm gonna be a grandpa!" I can't imagine living such a long and fulfilling life.

I'm public with the pregnancy now. I won't go on facebook till 12 or 13 weeks, but I've told my boss and all of my close friends and family. I know many people disagree with me on this decision - I, too, would have disagreed six months ago. I was judgmental about people who told at 6, 7, 8, 9 weeks. What can I say? I'd already kept this a secret for four weeks and I wanted to start enjoying it.

Negative outcomes are not possible in my mind right now. This will be a happy and healthy pregnancy. The anxiety I was experiencing last week was unbearable and, in the end, probably bad for the baby. I would rather be completely caught off guard by a loss than holding my breath for the next several months, regardless.

This will work out. I am 25, healthy, and have a beautifully shaped uterus. This baby's genetic material was hand-picked by experts from 17 eggs and millions of sperm. I'm done worrying.

Don't give up. Infertility is hell and you have to keep going. You will get there. I thought I would never see two lines, and I did. I never even let myself imagine the sound of a heartbeat. I heard it yesterday.

This can work for you, too.

I'm so happy.

7w6d

Baby is measuring exactly on track. We heard a very strong heartbeat. I've been released to my OB. I'm just a regular pregnant woman now.

Whoa.

7w5d

Somewhere around last Thursday I stopped being scared. I started feeling pregnant. I started telling a few close friends about the pregnancy. I started knowing that everything is going to go alright tomorrow at the ultrasound. I stopped worrying.

It has felt good. But a part of me is still afraid this optimism is going to come back and bite me in the ass.

Cross your fingers that everything looks good tomorrow. Last time they didn't give me measurements or heartbeat rates - the RE just said "beautiful" a few times. I hope tomorrow we get more information.

7 weeks and very anxious

I have rounded the halfway point until my next ultrasound, which is a week from yesterday.

I’m still alternating between being sure this will work out and being terrified.

I have not had morning sickness, but I have felt dizzy almost all of the time. My nipples are still a little sore and dark. I still have blue veins on my chest, but they’re not as noticeable as they were.

I’m not quite as exhausted in the evenings as I was last week, although I slept pretty much all of Sunday and felt terrible that day. Yesterday I had about an hour of feeling yucky in the afternoon.

I had near constant cramps that petered out last week, came back full force on Friday, and now have been almost totally missing (although as I type this, they’re making a liar out of me and coming back oh-so-mildly).

I had some “spotting” last Thursday night. I put it in quotes because it barely even counted. There was hardly any of it, and it was a light, light brown or tan color. I knew it was probably nothing to worry about, but I still sat on the couch and cried in fear. I called my Dr. on call and he reassured me that it was nothing to worry about. It hasn’t returned.

I don’t know how on earth I will wait until Monday for another ultrasound. I’m terrified the baby has stopped growing.

I’m trying to get my husband to let me call the RE and request a scan with my OB here in town. I feel like if I told them 1) my symptoms were decreasing, 2) I had spotting last week, 3) I’m unbelievably anxious and 4) currently adjusting to life off of my anti-depressant, they’d definitely let me go in. A thinks this is a terrible idea and I should be able to manage my anxiety better than that. But…I cannot.

Please hurry up, Monday.

6 weeks - is this real?

Here’s the longer story of everything going so well yesterday.

The week leading up to the ultrasound was hard. Luckily, I had pregnancy symptoms, some of which couldn’t be imagined. I can placebo-effect myself into exhaustion and salt cravings, but I can’t fake dark nipples or blue veins creeping all over my chest.

All of my mental energy last week was focused on the heartbeat. Like if I thought about it hard enough I could force it into being.

When I laid down on the table yesterday, Dr. Friendly had the screen facing him. There were about 3 seconds after he inserted the wand that he was searching for the sac. They were the longest 3 seconds of my life.

Then he turned the screen to me and I could tell by the way the tension drained out of the room that it was good news. He pointed out the sac, said it looked beautiful. He said “I don’t know that I see a heartbeat…wait a minute, there it is!” I gasped and cried and said “thank you thank you thank you.” It was such a beautiful thing.

I wanted to take a photo with him (dork), so he left the room so I could get dressed and we went into the hallway for the picture. I’m glad I have the picture but it kind of made it hard to ask my list of 7 questions, because then we were awkwardly conferring in the hallway.

A has been wanting to wait until 12 weeks to tell ANYONE, but he is learning how impossible that is. He asked when we could feel comfortable telling, and we were told “not yet”. The Dr. said “Give me two more weeks until your 8 week ultrasound. I’d say you’re at 95% right now, but give me two more weeks anyway.”

So everything went great, right? Then why do I still feel so anxious? I have a pit of anxiety in my stomach that I had always imagined lifting the minute we saw the heartbeat. It’s still there. It’s like I ate a bad burrito that just won’t go away.

I have read so many times that infertility doesn’t go away when you’re pregnant, but I thought it would be different for me. I’m pregnant! And I am excited, don’t get me wrong. But at this point my excitement is outweighed by terror.

I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone this. I don’t want it to be mistaken for a lack of gratitude. UNIVERSE: I AM SO, SO GRATEFUL FOR THIS PRECIOUS GIFT.

But I’m very disappointed in myself. At what point will I be able to enjoy this pregnancy? I know that worrying and stressing isn’t going to make the worst easier if the worst is going to happen.

Can any of you say anything to help me relax?

PS-this has gone on and on so I have to save the bathroom story for another day.

5w6d

I'm sorry it took me so long to post this. Keep in mind a trip to the RE involves six hours in the car for us!

We saw a heartbeat. A tiny, miraculous, little flicker. Like a firefly lighting up the summer sky. I cried.

I hope to have more time tomorrow to write about my emotions, how the u/s went, and how everything has been since my last post.

Tomorrow's post will also include a heartwarming story involving a strange woman while I was taking a poop in the bathroom. : )

4w4d

This morning I slept in till 9:30, took a two and a half hour nap, and now it's 10 pm and I'm ready to go to sleep. I'm not entirely sure this is pregnancy-related -- I might just be really damn lazy.

So how am I? I know you're all wondering. Well, it depends. I spend most of my time trying to forget I am pregnant. Sometimes it works -- I went out with friends last night and managed to go a whole hour without thinking about it. Every time that happens, then I remember and it's a thrilling jolt of excitement.

I am so happy to be pregnant. For a solid week now I've felt PMS-like cramps, and I'm relieved every time there's activity down there.

But I'm also terrified. I know that this can be stolen away from me in a moment, at any time. I know too much and have read too many stories. Several times a day I have a flash of fear that I will lie down on the table next Monday and see an ultrasound screen without a fetal pole.

I have no reason to believe this will go wrong. I have solid beta numbers. I have never miscarried before. I'm 25. Our embryos were great.

But I also have PCOS and endometriosis.

I am doing my best to proceed happily. I'm tearing down wallpaper in the room that will be the nursery. I started a "Pregnancy" folder on iPhoto, with a photo of me the day of the transfer, all my pee stick photos, our embryos and a "4w2d" belly photo I took as a baseline.

I'm trying to stay busy until my ultrasound at 5w6d. I know that's early to see a heartbeat, but I have two friends who saw their heartbeats on the same day. So I'm crossing my fingers.

I'm scared, but I am hopeful.

Beta #2

It more than doubled. From 135 at 4w1d to 305 at 4w3d. Ultrasound on 10/10 (the day after my husband's birthday).

Over the moon!

Religion on Beta day #2

My religious beliefs are dense and complicated. I’ll start by saying I’m sorry if this offends anyone, but it’s how I feel and I recognize everyone feels different ways.

I believe that there is a higher power. I do not believe that he/she/it/they is/are actively involved in our lives.

I don’t pray, I don’t know how to pray.

I used to be very religious. I was raised Catholic, went to youth group, went to church every Sunday. But then the Catholic faith started making less and less sense to me. I broke from it in college and haven’t missed it, with the single exception of Christmas Eve.

I don’t believe in a Christian God. I don’t believe that people of other faiths are going to hell if they don’t accept “Him”. I don’t believe in hell or heaven at all, but a much vaguer type of afterlife.

I believe in the teachings of Christ, but I don’t believe that Christ died for our sins, etc. I believe Christ died for my sins in the same way that Jonah lived inside of a whale – symbolically.

I do believe in something. I just haven’t ever been able to put a name to it. I’m not atheistic or agnostic or Christian – if I had to pick I guess I’d say I’m a diest.

When people tell me they’re praying for me, I appreciate it. There are also lots of ways to do the same thing that prayer does, and I appreciate anyone sending concentrated compassion, love, and help my way.

When people tell me “It’s all in God’s plan,” I get pissed off. Don’t tell me that, ever, please. Especially now.

--

Today I got to the hospital at 6:45 to have my blood drawn for my repeat beta. I usually get there right at 7 when the outpatient lab opens. I was early today so I went down into the depths of the hospital to go to the regular lab with all the scary machines and stuff.

On the way out I passed the chapel. On a whim, I went in.

At first, I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t want to read the Bible. I didn’t want to kneel and pray. So I just sat, closed my eyes, and took some deep breaths. I felt myself relax.

On the way out, I noticed a prayer book. Every prayer had a check by it. It moved me to think of someone sitting quietly, meditating on all of these problems.

I read through them, and it helped put my situation in perspective. There is a lot of suffering in the world.

Then I wrote one for us. I wrote “Please pray for my baby, who is only the size of a grain of rice today, but is already loved so dearly. We worked for two years for this pregnancy and faced a lot of heartache along the way. Now I am finally pregnant and very scared.”

It can’t hurt, right?

Beta

Oh my god you guys, today was such a clusterfuck. From fighting with the lab (again) about my orders, to waiting ALL DAMN DAY for my beta results, this tiny baby inside me is probably going to have flippers because I’ve been so stressed.

That’s right…baby.

Beta is 135!

4w0d

That’s right, I’m calling it. 4w0d. I’m flippin’ pregnant, ya’ll.

I suppose I need to use my words right about now, in addition to yet another photo of pee sticks. 

The past few days I have been floating around in a cloud. Saturday morning we were snuggling in bed, and the anxiety had worn me down. It was 6dp5dt and I asked A if I could test. He reluctantly agreed.

I am SO glad I tested when I did. I was able to enjoy the weekend instead of worrying through the whole thing. Every day that I wake up, pee on a stick, and find out I’m still pregnant is the best day of my life.

Do you remember when Becky tried to announce her pregnancy to Jesse on Full House? And she cooked baby back ribs, baby carrots, baby corn, etc? Ever since I watched that (how old was I? 8?) I have wondered how I would tell my husband I was pregnant. I imagined it being so romantic. (Of course Jesse had just gotten the news that the Rippers were going on tour or something, so it didn’t quite work out for Becky.)

With IF treatments that romance is stolen from you. But I have reclaimed it. I “break the news” to A about three times a day. On Sunday, over Chinese food, I copped a somber tone and said “Listen, there’s something we really need to talk about and I guess now’s the best time. I’m pregnant.”

Yesterday I texted him and said “We need to talk. I’m pregnant and I think it’s yours.” He responded “Whatever! We only did it anal!”

Of course, I don’t have the luxury of ignorance. I know so much. I know we have so many hurdles to jump.

There are three big letters on my mind: E, H, M. Is it Ectopic? Will we find a Heartbeat? Will I Miscarry?

I already know that the wait for the ultrasound will be the longest wait of my life. But I have a really good feeling about this, and I’m trying not to ignore that.

Beta is tomorrow. In the morning I will take my only digital HPT and I fully expect it to say “Pregnant”. I have taken the morning off work (I’m so useless here, anyway!) so I can spend the time waiting for the phone call with my husband.

Cross your fingers for a beautiful number that doubles by Friday!

More things I have peed on

I'm still pregnant today. In fact...has it gotten darker? Or is that the optimism speaking?

BFP?

I am 7dp5dt and, at least for today, I am pregnant.

6dp5dt

So. Hubby consented to let me POAS this morning. I got this (sorry, I can't figure out how to rotate it):

I'm obviously excited. It's not negative. It's faintly positive. But these are also the internet cheapies that gave me a very faint positive on beta day when my beta was 2.5. So I don't completely trust them.

Of course, that cycle I was on hcg boosters. And I'm ~11dpo.

So I went out and bought 3 first response tests. The question is, do I do one today, or do I wait until the morning?

Hmmmm.

Dashed hopes

Well, today’s the day I lost hope.

It’s usually closer to 10dpo, but today is 4dp5dt, which I guess is close enough.

I just don’t feel like Teeny and Tiny are there anymore.

This happens every cycle but I really hoped this one would be different.

I know it’s probably irrational, it has no basis in fact, but this feeling still breaks my heart.

2dp5dt - GAH

I thought I would at least have a few critical days to operate normally before I slid straight into 2ww insanity and misery. Boy, was that was foolish of me!

Let’s just review:

• I have never been pregnant before.
• I was sexually active and on BCP from 18-22 - no accidents.
• I went off the pill and tried “naturally” between December ‘09 and May ‘10 – nothing (not surprising, since I wasn’t ovulating at all).
• June – August ’10 I took Metformin – nothing.
• September – December ’10 I tried naturally/with clomid and timed intercourse – nothing.
• In January and April of this year I had IUIs. Nada.
• In July we did IVF #1. Zilch.

Not so much as a chemical pregnancy to speak of. Never seen two lines except for when I’ve been on hcg triggers/boosters.

So why should I expect this to work? Because, ladies and gentlemen, it has the best chance of working of anything we’ve done, ever.

I never had hope for clomid/IUIs. I know many people conceive that way, but in my gut I knew it wouldn’t work for us. I was right because my eggs do not fertilize without ICSI, as we proved during IVF #1.

IVF #1 was such a disaster that I held out very little hope for our 6-celled embryo. I pretty much mourned the failing of that cycle the day we got our fertilization report.

So why would IVF #2 work? Nothing has ever worked.

But, why wouldn’t it work? We transferred two beautiful blasts and conditions in my hoo-ha were perfect for babymaking.

My pregnancy test is 9/28. All along, I have somehow thought this was a Tuesday. I woke up today and told myself “one week from today.”

In a meeting this morning, someone referenced Thursday, September 29. “Wait a minute,” I thought to myself, “that can’t be right. If 9/29 is a Thursday then 9/28 is…DUN DUN DUN…a WEDNESDAY!” Which it is. Which broke my heart because that’s another day I have to wait to find out if this worked.

Luckily with IVF, 3-5 days of the 2ww are occupied waiting to transfer. That’s nervewracking in its own way, but it’s not the 2ww pain. But now I’m past that and I’m freaking out. I am both dying for beta and terrified of beta.

I don’t even know what to do with myself.