I don’t have a lot to update, but I’m checking in because it’s my blog and I do what I want (so there).
Today I’m 14w3d. I have been feeling great about everything until this week, which was complete shit at work and at home. I was feeling very negative and bitter already, and then I heard that Michelle Duggar just had a missed miscarriage in the second trimester.
Granted, she’s 20 full years older than I am, which probably has more to do with it than anything (because we KNOW she’s fertile), but the public nature of her miscarriage has just smacked me in the face with “you’re never out of the woods until you hold your baby in your arms”. Which isn’t really what I needed this week.
I would have preferred to gallop along naively believing that since I’m out of the first trimester I’m going to be fine.
It’s so weird when I get in this head space. I take off all my clothes and confront myself in the mirror. Belly bump is still there. Still firm, so I can’t trick myself into thinking I’m just getting fat. Nipples are still sore. Breasts are still an E cup (they were previously Cs). Chest is still very blue and veiny. No bleeding or even spotting. I’m still pregnant…unless…the baby’s heart randomly stopped beating, which I would have no way of knowing.
Then I start maniacally wondering how I can trick someone (anyone) into giving me an ultrasound. I have honestly considered calling and falsifying a report of bleeding just to get an ultrasound. The only thing that stops me is that I believe way too much in karma to tempt it with something like that.
Luckily, I don’t have to wait all the way until 20 weeks for my next scan. I have just under 2 weeks and I get one in my 16th week. Hopefully that will sooth my anxiety for a bit.
I just wish I could feel the baby. It’s far too easy these days to convince myself I’m not pregnant at all.