Friday, December 9, 2011

Still pregnant, I guess.


I don’t have a lot to update, but I’m checking in because it’s my blog and I do what I want (so there).

Today I’m 14w3d. I have been feeling great about everything until this week, which was complete shit at work and at home. I was feeling very negative and bitter already, and then I heard that Michelle Duggar just had a missed miscarriage in the second trimester.

Granted, she’s 20 full years older than I am, which probably has more to do with it than anything (because we KNOW she’s fertile), but the public nature of her miscarriage has just smacked me in the face with “you’re never out of the woods until you hold your baby in your arms”. Which isn’t really what I needed this week.

I would have preferred to gallop along naively believing that since I’m out of the first trimester I’m going to be fine.

It’s so weird when I get in this head space. I take off all my clothes and confront myself in the mirror. Belly bump is still there. Still firm, so I can’t trick myself into thinking I’m just getting fat. Nipples are still sore. Breasts are still an E cup (they were previously Cs). Chest is still very blue and veiny. No bleeding or even spotting. I’m still pregnant…unless…the baby’s heart randomly stopped beating, which I would have no way of knowing.

Then I start maniacally wondering how I can trick someone (anyone) into giving me an ultrasound. I have honestly considered calling and falsifying a report of bleeding just to get an ultrasound. The only thing that stops me is that I believe way too much in karma to tempt it with something like that.

Luckily, I don’t have to wait all the way until 20 weeks for my next scan. I have just under 2 weeks and I get one in my 16th week. Hopefully that will sooth my anxiety for a bit.

I just wish I could feel the baby. It’s far too easy these days to convince myself I’m not pregnant at all.

6 comments:

thirtiesgirl said...

Have you thought about getting an at home doppler? A lot of ladies buy those...not sure if that would make it better or worse though. Wishing you all the best and thinking of you and baby.

Chickenpig said...

You could get one of those baby dopplers to listen to the heartbeat. Not an US machine, but a lot cheaper, and it tells you what you need to know. Heart still beating? check!

It is very upsetting to hear about a miscarriage in the second trimester, that is for sure. I'm just going to go on pretending that I didn't hear about this. Try to take comfort in the fact that it is VERY rare. (I know, almost impossible).

Jem said...

I totally get where you are at right now. I felt the same way. What made it more "real" for me was that I really started telling people at 14 weeks (I'm now mid-19 weeks and still have people to tell).

I agree with Chickenpig: get a prenatal doppler! I LOVE mine. I only use it once a week, but it is so reassuring, especially as 1st trimester symptoms go away. I got mine for under $50 on eBay.

Still A Guest Room said...

We've all been there...the weeks between ultrasounds when you just know something terrible has happened. Try to take some comfort in all the good reports up to this point, and otherwise just hope that time passes quickly!

Marissa said...

*hugs*

My Doppler (kinda) kept me sane, but some people freak out about it.

I wish I had magic words to get you through this. Unfortunately, really only time can do that.

Drevas said...

I agree with everyone ... a doppler keeps me sane. Even though I'm almost 29 weeks along with the twins and can feel them kicking like crazy, I still use mine when I feel like they haven't moved as much (they love to kick at the doppler when I use it now). I got mine at 12 weeks and I still think it was a great decision for me. Thinking of you! :)