My religious beliefs are dense and complicated. I’ll start by saying I’m sorry if this offends anyone, but it’s how I feel and I recognize everyone feels different ways.
I believe that there is a higher power. I do not believe that he/she/it/they is/are actively involved in our lives.
I don’t pray, I don’t know how to pray.
I used to be very religious. I was raised Catholic, went to youth group, went to church every Sunday. But then the Catholic faith started making less and less sense to me. I broke from it in college and haven’t missed it, with the single exception of Christmas Eve.
I don’t believe in a Christian God. I don’t believe that people of other faiths are going to hell if they don’t accept “Him”. I don’t believe in hell or heaven at all, but a much vaguer type of afterlife.
I believe in the teachings of Christ, but I don’t believe that Christ died for our sins, etc. I believe Christ died for my sins in the same way that Jonah lived inside of a whale – symbolically.
I do believe in something. I just haven’t ever been able to put a name to it. I’m not atheistic or agnostic or Christian – if I had to pick I guess I’d say I’m a diest.
When people tell me they’re praying for me, I appreciate it. There are also lots of ways to do the same thing that prayer does, and I appreciate anyone sending concentrated compassion, love, and help my way.
When people tell me “It’s all in God’s plan,” I get pissed off. Don’t tell me that, ever, please. Especially now.
Today I got to the hospital at 6:45 to have my blood drawn for my repeat beta. I usually get there right at 7 when the outpatient lab opens. I was early today so I went down into the depths of the hospital to go to the regular lab with all the scary machines and stuff.
On the way out I passed the chapel. On a whim, I went in.
At first, I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t want to read the Bible. I didn’t want to kneel and pray. So I just sat, closed my eyes, and took some deep breaths. I felt myself relax.
On the way out, I noticed a prayer book. Every prayer had a check by it. It moved me to think of someone sitting quietly, meditating on all of these problems.
I read through them, and it helped put my situation in perspective. There is a lot of suffering in the world.
Then I wrote one for us. I wrote “Please pray for my baby, who is only the size of a grain of rice today, but is already loved so dearly. We worked for two years for this pregnancy and faced a lot of heartache along the way. Now I am finally pregnant and very scared.”
It can’t hurt, right?