Saturday, October 1, 2011


This morning I slept in till 9:30, took a two and a half hour nap, and now it's 10 pm and I'm ready to go to sleep. I'm not entirely sure this is pregnancy-related -- I might just be really damn lazy.

So how am I? I know you're all wondering. Well, it depends. I spend most of my time trying to forget I am pregnant. Sometimes it works -- I went out with friends last night and managed to go a whole hour without thinking about it. Every time that happens, then I remember and it's a thrilling jolt of excitement.

I am so happy to be pregnant. For a solid week now I've felt PMS-like cramps, and I'm relieved every time there's activity down there.

But I'm also terrified. I know that this can be stolen away from me in a moment, at any time. I know too much and have read too many stories. Several times a day I have a flash of fear that I will lie down on the table next Monday and see an ultrasound screen without a fetal pole.

I have no reason to believe this will go wrong. I have solid beta numbers. I have never miscarried before. I'm 25. Our embryos were great.

But I also have PCOS and endometriosis.

I am doing my best to proceed happily. I'm tearing down wallpaper in the room that will be the nursery. I started a "Pregnancy" folder on iPhoto, with a photo of me the day of the transfer, all my pee stick photos, our embryos and a "4w2d" belly photo I took as a baseline.

I'm trying to stay busy until my ultrasound at 5w6d. I know that's early to see a heartbeat, but I have two friends who saw their heartbeats on the same day. So I'm crossing my fingers.

I'm scared, but I am hopeful.


Alex said...

Happy yet terrified? Scared but hopeful? Yep, sounds like you're pregnant after infertility! I wish there was an easy way to get through this scary time, but I don't think there is. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and taking it day by day. I'm so excited for your ultrasound. Even if you don't see the heartbeat that early (which is possible), you'll be able to see a sac and a pole - how exciting!!! So happy for you!

Dead Cow Girl said...

Man - I'm right there with you. Terrified - but trying to enjoy it. I had a miscarriage last year at 12 weeks and know all to well that it an be over in a ... um... heartbeat.

Sorry. Terrified, but still love a good pun.

Here's to hoping we both get through the full 40 weeks and having no issues other then the nausea and exhaustion and other NORMAL pregnancy issues.

Kayleikins said...

I couldn't put it any better than Alex did! I am so happy for you, and I will keep praying for you!

Still A Guest Room said...

I am just so excited for you!

Emily said...

Wondering how things are going for you. Hoping all is still well!

Emily said...

I've been anxious for an update today. I hope everything went well for you