4w4d

This morning I slept in till 9:30, took a two and a half hour nap, and now it's 10 pm and I'm ready to go to sleep. I'm not entirely sure this is pregnancy-related -- I might just be really damn lazy.

So how am I? I know you're all wondering. Well, it depends. I spend most of my time trying to forget I am pregnant. Sometimes it works -- I went out with friends last night and managed to go a whole hour without thinking about it. Every time that happens, then I remember and it's a thrilling jolt of excitement.

I am so happy to be pregnant. For a solid week now I've felt PMS-like cramps, and I'm relieved every time there's activity down there.

But I'm also terrified. I know that this can be stolen away from me in a moment, at any time. I know too much and have read too many stories. Several times a day I have a flash of fear that I will lie down on the table next Monday and see an ultrasound screen without a fetal pole.

I have no reason to believe this will go wrong. I have solid beta numbers. I have never miscarried before. I'm 25. Our embryos were great.

But I also have PCOS and endometriosis.

I am doing my best to proceed happily. I'm tearing down wallpaper in the room that will be the nursery. I started a "Pregnancy" folder on iPhoto, with a photo of me the day of the transfer, all my pee stick photos, our embryos and a "4w2d" belly photo I took as a baseline.

I'm trying to stay busy until my ultrasound at 5w6d. I know that's early to see a heartbeat, but I have two friends who saw their heartbeats on the same day. So I'm crossing my fingers.

I'm scared, but I am hopeful.