My pregnancy in review : )

My readership has drastically declined lately, which is fine because seriously, I get it. My posting has also drastically declined lately, because I feel icky about posting so much about pregnancy. But, since today marks 20 weeks and thus the halfway point for this baby’s gestation, I feel a bit of retrospect is in order because when it comes down to it I’ve done a pretty poor job of documenting my pregnancy.

So, we’ll do the cliffs notes version.

3w4d (also known as 6dp5dt)- this was the day I first took a HPT and saw two lines.

4-7 weeks- I lived in fear. I was happy but terrified, with terror outweighing happiness a lot of days. A couple of times I left work to cry in my car about how grateful I was to be pregnant. At 6 weeks we saw the heartbeat and my RE told us we were at 95% of everything being okay, but that wasn’t enough for me.

Side note: I ate a LOT of salt!! I’m not usually a salt girl but I dumped salt all over everything. I remember getting hash browns at McDonald’s on my way to work, and they looked like they had been snowed on once I was done with them. I also ate a lot of Lay’s Classic Potato Chips (classy, I know). This may have been more of a post-OHSS thing than a pregnancy thing. I had PMS like cramps the entire time, my nipples started darkening, and the blue veins popped out on my chest. I think I was dizzy a lot at this point, too.

8 weeks- We heard the heartbeat and saw something that looked a whole lot more like a baby than it had two weeks ago. My RE released me to my OB. We told my grandparents (one of the best moments of my life), and I slowly started telling friends. This is also when the nausea started, but it was minor, only lasted a couple of hours, and never bothered me all that much. I also felt like total garbage for a week because I had a bad cold.

9 weeks- I started feeling so bloated that jeans were almost impossible. I wore a bella band with my jeans. I think this was when the super pregnant nose kicked in. I remember hardly being able to open the refrigerator. I told work I was pregnant.

10 weeks- We had what is, to date, my favorite ultrasound. Baby looked so adorable and peanut-like. I finally felt able to relax a bit. I think this was when I started going to bed by 8pm every night.

11 weeks- I felt very, very bloated, but still didn’t feel like I was showing. This was around when the crazy weepiness started.

12 weeks- We announced on facebook, and it was the week of Thanksgiving. I met with my NP and we had another great ultrasound where baby was dancing around like CRAZY! It was so fun. 12 weeks made a huge difference in my outlook. I got another stinkin cold and felt pretty bad most of the week. I feel like my belly popped out this week and I went from being bloated to showing, although others disagree. Pregnant nose started to fade.

13 weeks- realized I had missed my chance for an NT scan : ( Still very tired, hormonal, and feeling fat. I believe this is when the vaginal discharge (luekorrhea) got really uncomfortable. There’s so much of it! This continues and I’ve been told it will only get worse.

14 weeks- this was a rough week. Halfway between my 12 week and 16 week ultrasounds, and I hardly felt pregnant at all, besides feeling tired. Pregnancy nose was gone. I wasn’t in a great mental state.

15 weeks- I started feeling a lot of tugging/pulling/tightening sensations down there. I thought I was preparing for a growth spurt, but figured out later that these were the first noticeable movements.

16 weeks- was sitting in a meeting with all of my management when I felt something very peculiar. It was the first kick! Or punch, or somersault, or whatever. I didn’t feel it again for several days but it was fun feeling the first one.

17 weeks- baby is kicking more frequently. Bump is more noticable. We found out it was a boy!!!

18-20 weeks- symptoms stay the same: blue veins, dark and sensitive nipples, both of which are the new normal. I’m starting to feel off balance because of my belly - though it’s still small, it’s growing. I’m still exhausted a lot. No nausea, some dizziness. I have days of raging hormones and days where I feel fine. Baby moves more and more every day it seems! No stretch marks. Very heavy vaginal discharge, which makes me feel self-conscious and very unsexy. Overall, I feel like my primary reason for being alive is to grow this baby, which keeps me from feeling any sex drive or interest in much else, including my friends and my appearance. And I’m okay with that.

Anatomy scan is on Friday!

12 weeks! And a giveaway!

Hello everyone. I am VERY thrilled to say I have made it to 12 weeks. There is some debate about when the first trimester ends, but this calculator says that I'm out of the woods developmentally. So I'm celebrating : )

12 weeks means I'm going to announce on facebook - probably on Thursday (Thanksgiving). Now, we all know that pregnancy announcements are like a knife in the gut - probably worse - when you're infertile. I know that I want to reference my infertility in some way, but I'm not sure the most perfect way to phrase things.

Right now I'm thinking something along the lines of "A and I are very thankful to announce that we're expecting! The past two years have been difficult, but I can honestly say that now, it was all worth it."

I don't know how much detail I want to go into. Do I want to mention IVF or the word "infertility" specifically? I don't want to totally overshadow the pregnancy part of the pregnancy announcement, but I want to give a clear shout out to any of my 263 friends who may be having trouble conceiving.

I know this is a fabulous "problem" to have, so for your trouble, I have something in return: I am giving away my copy of the Circle + Bloom IUI/IVF Mind-Body Program!

To enter the giveaway, leave a comment on this post letting me know either:
1) what gives you hope in your darkest days of treatment/waiting/TTC or
2) what you'd like to see in a facebook pregnancy announcement

I'll use a random generator to pick a winner on December 1st and contact the lucky lady.

11 weeks

I am 11 weeks pregnant today. While I know anything can still happen, I am settling into the role of “pregnant woman”. It still kind of blows my mind to think about it.

I think the best thing I did for my anxiety was to start telling people. In this case, people’s naivete came in handy. Once they found out I was pregnant, they treated me like I was truly going to have a baby…which was a novel approach for me (and anyone going through infertility/loss).

Overall, I have found that when people treat you like you’re pregnant, you start feeling more pregnant yourself.

The best response I’ve gotten from my pregnancy announcements was from a co-worker. We aren’t close, but you wouldn’t know from her reaction. She immediately asked me if I got pregnant naturally, and when I said we did in vitro, she asked if it was covered under our company’s insurance. I said our state has a mandate for it to be covered. Then she asked me how much I paid out of pocket for each attempt (!). The icing on the cake was when she said “Is that why you’ve been missing so much work lately?”

Physically, I am definitely getting a round tummy. I wouldn’t call it a baby bump - it could still look like a beer gut to strangers. But if I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in a while, she would probably suspect I’m pregnant.

As far as symptoms go, I’ve still been lucky. I’ve had a few fits of nausea that have made me ill, but they go away pretty quickly. No vomiting. I have discovered the tummy-settling magic of sprite with grenadine and I drink that all the time, even ordering it at restaurants (to my husband’s embarrassment). I have crazy blue veins on my chest and boobs. I feel tired and/or dizzy a lot. I have crazy mood swings and sometimes I’m convinced my husband hates me.

All in all, I’m enjoying this roller coaster, and thankful for every moment.

9w6d

We had our 10 week ultrasound today. Everything went great. Baby looks good, measures well (measured at 9w4d but with a margin of error of a couple days, so perfect), heartbeat is 170, and we watched it wave its little arms and legs at us.

When I came home I had a meltdown. Because: anxiety. I haven't completely let go of it like I thought I had.

But after crying it out, I spent a long time staring at the sonogram photo crying tears of joy, too.

And then we bought some tiny newborn socks.

Any day now this will feel real.

9w1d - bella band is my new best friend.

Today a girl at work brought me a Bella band. As previously mentioned: BLOAT. Apparently others have noticed ; )

It was fun putting it on, and it was so much more comfortable. I feel silly for needing it at 9 weeks, but I have a road trip and concert next week (Indigo Girls) and had been dreading the drive in jeans. Jeans are impossible right now.

You know when you go shopping for wedding dresses? And no matter how poorly the first dress fits, or how it's not at all what you want, or for whatever reason, you'd never dream of buying it, you still catch your breath when you look at yourself in a wedding dress for the first time?

That's how this felt.

8w6d

Tomorrow I’ll be 9 weeks pregnant, and I know you’re all wondering how I am. The answer is: bloated, queasy, and happy.

I am bloated. I do not have the nerve to say “I’m showing”, and I don’t have a baby bump. But my pants, which in early September were sagging off of me because of the 10 pounds I lost earlier this year, are a struggle to button. Jeans are very uncomfortable. This increased bloat is only around the midsection (not face, butt, thighs, etc) and is probably a combination of 1) IVF drugs 2) large ovaries post-retrieval 3) 7 weeks on prometrium 4) a drastic decrease in my activity level and 5) all of the potato chips I’ve been eating.

I am queasy. I feel nauseous a lot, but I haven’t thrown up and for that I feel very thankful. I did dry heave this morning, and probably would have thrown up had I eaten breakfast at that point. I’m very stereotypical – sensitive to smells and anything that looks gross (dishes sitting in the sink, dog puke, meals covered in brown gravy – all of which I was exposed to on Saturday alone - yuck).

While being nauseous isn’t exactly fun, it’s such a relief to feel pregnant. I’ll take it.

I am happy. I still have occasional moment of feeling “not pregnant enough”, I still squeeze my nipples a few times a day to ensure they’re sore (my breasts aren’t sore, just the nips, although my breasts feel very heavy and pendulous). I still sometimes feel terrified when I say things like “But I’ll be on maternity leave when that project rolls out” because do I really deserve this? Should I really take it for granted that this baby will be born healthy?

But 90% of the time I’m just happy. I’m a pregnant woman. I never thought I’d get here and it makes me smile just to think about it.

I have a 10 week ultrasound next Monday (at 9w6d). I can’t wait to see the baby again. : )

8 weeks - I'm a real, live pregnant lady.

Our baby has a face, and we saw it do a little somersault! (probably because I'm still having dildocam sonograms and seriously, talk about disturbing the peace up in there for the little guy!) It has little flippers that will become arms and legs. Wild, right?

If you want to stop reading my blog, I understand. I have been there! And if you stick around, I promise I'll try to be as un-obnoxious as I can be. That said, let me annoy you with the joy in my life right now.

We told both sets of my grandparents last night, in person. I surprised them because no one knew I was in town after the doctor's appointment (no one even knew I had an appt except my parents). Everyone was wildly excited, there were tears and hugs and phone calls to aunts and uncles. It was everything I have always hoped it would be.

Think about my grandma, who had my dad and his twin sister at age 19 (then three more kids). She remembers the day my dad came over with a case of beer and said "We're having a baby!", who is now, 25 years later, coming over with that baby to say "I'm gonna be a grandpa!" I can't imagine living such a long and fulfilling life.

I'm public with the pregnancy now. I won't go on facebook till 12 or 13 weeks, but I've told my boss and all of my close friends and family. I know many people disagree with me on this decision - I, too, would have disagreed six months ago. I was judgmental about people who told at 6, 7, 8, 9 weeks. What can I say? I'd already kept this a secret for four weeks and I wanted to start enjoying it.

Negative outcomes are not possible in my mind right now. This will be a happy and healthy pregnancy. The anxiety I was experiencing last week was unbearable and, in the end, probably bad for the baby. I would rather be completely caught off guard by a loss than holding my breath for the next several months, regardless.

This will work out. I am 25, healthy, and have a beautifully shaped uterus. This baby's genetic material was hand-picked by experts from 17 eggs and millions of sperm. I'm done worrying.

Don't give up. Infertility is hell and you have to keep going. You will get there. I thought I would never see two lines, and I did. I never even let myself imagine the sound of a heartbeat. I heard it yesterday.

This can work for you, too.

I'm so happy.

7w6d

Baby is measuring exactly on track. We heard a very strong heartbeat. I've been released to my OB. I'm just a regular pregnant woman now.

Whoa.

7w5d

Somewhere around last Thursday I stopped being scared. I started feeling pregnant. I started telling a few close friends about the pregnancy. I started knowing that everything is going to go alright tomorrow at the ultrasound. I stopped worrying.

It has felt good. But a part of me is still afraid this optimism is going to come back and bite me in the ass.

Cross your fingers that everything looks good tomorrow. Last time they didn't give me measurements or heartbeat rates - the RE just said "beautiful" a few times. I hope tomorrow we get more information.

7 weeks and very anxious

I have rounded the halfway point until my next ultrasound, which is a week from yesterday.

I’m still alternating between being sure this will work out and being terrified.

I have not had morning sickness, but I have felt dizzy almost all of the time. My nipples are still a little sore and dark. I still have blue veins on my chest, but they’re not as noticeable as they were.

I’m not quite as exhausted in the evenings as I was last week, although I slept pretty much all of Sunday and felt terrible that day. Yesterday I had about an hour of feeling yucky in the afternoon.

I had near constant cramps that petered out last week, came back full force on Friday, and now have been almost totally missing (although as I type this, they’re making a liar out of me and coming back oh-so-mildly).

I had some “spotting” last Thursday night. I put it in quotes because it barely even counted. There was hardly any of it, and it was a light, light brown or tan color. I knew it was probably nothing to worry about, but I still sat on the couch and cried in fear. I called my Dr. on call and he reassured me that it was nothing to worry about. It hasn’t returned.

I don’t know how on earth I will wait until Monday for another ultrasound. I’m terrified the baby has stopped growing.

I’m trying to get my husband to let me call the RE and request a scan with my OB here in town. I feel like if I told them 1) my symptoms were decreasing, 2) I had spotting last week, 3) I’m unbelievably anxious and 4) currently adjusting to life off of my anti-depressant, they’d definitely let me go in. A thinks this is a terrible idea and I should be able to manage my anxiety better than that. But…I cannot.

Please hurry up, Monday.

6 weeks - is this real?

Here’s the longer story of everything going so well yesterday.

The week leading up to the ultrasound was hard. Luckily, I had pregnancy symptoms, some of which couldn’t be imagined. I can placebo-effect myself into exhaustion and salt cravings, but I can’t fake dark nipples or blue veins creeping all over my chest.

All of my mental energy last week was focused on the heartbeat. Like if I thought about it hard enough I could force it into being.

When I laid down on the table yesterday, Dr. Friendly had the screen facing him. There were about 3 seconds after he inserted the wand that he was searching for the sac. They were the longest 3 seconds of my life.

Then he turned the screen to me and I could tell by the way the tension drained out of the room that it was good news. He pointed out the sac, said it looked beautiful. He said “I don’t know that I see a heartbeat…wait a minute, there it is!” I gasped and cried and said “thank you thank you thank you.” It was such a beautiful thing.

I wanted to take a photo with him (dork), so he left the room so I could get dressed and we went into the hallway for the picture. I’m glad I have the picture but it kind of made it hard to ask my list of 7 questions, because then we were awkwardly conferring in the hallway.

A has been wanting to wait until 12 weeks to tell ANYONE, but he is learning how impossible that is. He asked when we could feel comfortable telling, and we were told “not yet”. The Dr. said “Give me two more weeks until your 8 week ultrasound. I’d say you’re at 95% right now, but give me two more weeks anyway.”

So everything went great, right? Then why do I still feel so anxious? I have a pit of anxiety in my stomach that I had always imagined lifting the minute we saw the heartbeat. It’s still there. It’s like I ate a bad burrito that just won’t go away.

I have read so many times that infertility doesn’t go away when you’re pregnant, but I thought it would be different for me. I’m pregnant! And I am excited, don’t get me wrong. But at this point my excitement is outweighed by terror.

I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone this. I don’t want it to be mistaken for a lack of gratitude. UNIVERSE: I AM SO, SO GRATEFUL FOR THIS PRECIOUS GIFT.

But I’m very disappointed in myself. At what point will I be able to enjoy this pregnancy? I know that worrying and stressing isn’t going to make the worst easier if the worst is going to happen.

Can any of you say anything to help me relax?

PS-this has gone on and on so I have to save the bathroom story for another day.

5w6d

I'm sorry it took me so long to post this. Keep in mind a trip to the RE involves six hours in the car for us!

We saw a heartbeat. A tiny, miraculous, little flicker. Like a firefly lighting up the summer sky. I cried.

I hope to have more time tomorrow to write about my emotions, how the u/s went, and how everything has been since my last post.

Tomorrow's post will also include a heartwarming story involving a strange woman while I was taking a poop in the bathroom. : )

4w4d

This morning I slept in till 9:30, took a two and a half hour nap, and now it's 10 pm and I'm ready to go to sleep. I'm not entirely sure this is pregnancy-related -- I might just be really damn lazy.

So how am I? I know you're all wondering. Well, it depends. I spend most of my time trying to forget I am pregnant. Sometimes it works -- I went out with friends last night and managed to go a whole hour without thinking about it. Every time that happens, then I remember and it's a thrilling jolt of excitement.

I am so happy to be pregnant. For a solid week now I've felt PMS-like cramps, and I'm relieved every time there's activity down there.

But I'm also terrified. I know that this can be stolen away from me in a moment, at any time. I know too much and have read too many stories. Several times a day I have a flash of fear that I will lie down on the table next Monday and see an ultrasound screen without a fetal pole.

I have no reason to believe this will go wrong. I have solid beta numbers. I have never miscarried before. I'm 25. Our embryos were great.

But I also have PCOS and endometriosis.

I am doing my best to proceed happily. I'm tearing down wallpaper in the room that will be the nursery. I started a "Pregnancy" folder on iPhoto, with a photo of me the day of the transfer, all my pee stick photos, our embryos and a "4w2d" belly photo I took as a baseline.

I'm trying to stay busy until my ultrasound at 5w6d. I know that's early to see a heartbeat, but I have two friends who saw their heartbeats on the same day. So I'm crossing my fingers.

I'm scared, but I am hopeful.