Tuesday, October 11, 2011

6 weeks - is this real?

Here’s the longer story of everything going so well yesterday.

The week leading up to the ultrasound was hard. Luckily, I had pregnancy symptoms, some of which couldn’t be imagined. I can placebo-effect myself into exhaustion and salt cravings, but I can’t fake dark nipples or blue veins creeping all over my chest.

All of my mental energy last week was focused on the heartbeat. Like if I thought about it hard enough I could force it into being.

When I laid down on the table yesterday, Dr. Friendly had the screen facing him. There were about 3 seconds after he inserted the wand that he was searching for the sac. They were the longest 3 seconds of my life.

Then he turned the screen to me and I could tell by the way the tension drained out of the room that it was good news. He pointed out the sac, said it looked beautiful. He said “I don’t know that I see a heartbeat…wait a minute, there it is!” I gasped and cried and said “thank you thank you thank you.” It was such a beautiful thing.

I wanted to take a photo with him (dork), so he left the room so I could get dressed and we went into the hallway for the picture. I’m glad I have the picture but it kind of made it hard to ask my list of 7 questions, because then we were awkwardly conferring in the hallway.

A has been wanting to wait until 12 weeks to tell ANYONE, but he is learning how impossible that is. He asked when we could feel comfortable telling, and we were told “not yet”. The Dr. said “Give me two more weeks until your 8 week ultrasound. I’d say you’re at 95% right now, but give me two more weeks anyway.”

So everything went great, right? Then why do I still feel so anxious? I have a pit of anxiety in my stomach that I had always imagined lifting the minute we saw the heartbeat. It’s still there. It’s like I ate a bad burrito that just won’t go away.

I have read so many times that infertility doesn’t go away when you’re pregnant, but I thought it would be different for me. I’m pregnant! And I am excited, don’t get me wrong. But at this point my excitement is outweighed by terror.

I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone this. I don’t want it to be mistaken for a lack of gratitude. UNIVERSE: I AM SO, SO GRATEFUL FOR THIS PRECIOUS GIFT.

But I’m very disappointed in myself. At what point will I be able to enjoy this pregnancy? I know that worrying and stressing isn’t going to make the worst easier if the worst is going to happen.

Can any of you say anything to help me relax?

PS-this has gone on and on so I have to save the bathroom story for another day.


Emily said...

First of all, you are not alone! I'm afraid that I'm not going to get to enjoy any of my first trimester because I'm so worried about what could happen that I can't allow myself to be joyful. IF robs us of a lot of things, and a worry-free pregnancy is one of them.

Secondly, *try* to relax. Easier said than done, I completely realize. You've seen the heartbeat, your doc said that things look good. As of right now, you have a picture perfect pregnancy. Enjoy it!

Denver Laura said...

Although I've never been pregnant, I think I'd still worry too. THE WHOLE TIME.

I agree with PP. You have all of the signs of a perfect pregnancy. You're also under the supervision of a RE who has the experience to know when things are going wrong.

I know you're not that religious but turn it over to the facts. You heard a heartbeat. Your beta numbers are great. You have a really good RE and are getting really good care.

Being pregnant doesn't erase your experiences with infertility any more than having kids erases your experiences of a single gal.

Give yourself an hour to worry a day and then enjoy the pregnancy the other 23 hours of the day. You deserve this.

Jem said...

I totally get you. That said, I agree with the RE. Wait until Week 8, then you can truly relax. Okay, at least unclench partially. I'm 11 weeks and my next worry is the CVS test and those results. We are waiting until Week 13 to really start telling people, other than close family and even closer friends.

It's hard to have faith in the Universe (or whomever) and just "not know" and enjoy just being pregnant, isn't it?

TurtleMama said...

I think I will be feeling the same way. But if I get a heartbeat, I would feel alot safer. The statistics are definitely on your side!

Marissa said...

I can only speak for me, personally.

My anatomy scan took most of the load off. It was at that point that I realized that what I thought was movement was indeed movement. (I didn't want to falsely reassure myself with fake movement...) Feeling my babies move is an amazing reassurance, better than a Doppler because it comes at unexpected times, and with some frequency too.

But honestly, it was seeing that they had kidneys, closed spines, 4-chambered hearts, fingers, toes, faces. Even my NT scan didn't reassure me like this.

I left the office *knowing* (almost certainly) that there is nothing wrong with my babies. That if anything does go wrong from here on out, it's not my babies, it's MY body. And they can fix a lot of that--p17, bedrest, procardia, special diets, etc. And we're close to viability, which means surfactant, incubators, hell, even surgery on the babies themselves. You can't fix chromosomes, but you can do a lot to prevent pre-term labor and to encourage survival in the event of premature birth.

No, I am not entirely "out of the woods" yet. But just knowing how much can be done is a HUGE relief. I don't mean to scare you, but the general rule of thought on 1st trimester and early 2nd trimester loss is--if it's going to happen, it happens. You can run to the ER, but they can't do anything. Whereas when you get to 16, 17, 18ish weeks, they can try to stop labor. And that's usually the problem--labor (or something else with mom), not the baby itself.

Of course everyone is different. And I hope, for your sake, that you don't worry nearly as much as I did. I think my miscarriage threw me for a loop way more than IF itself did, to be completely honest. But I'm at the point now where I think my babies' hearts will go on beating, and that's just MAGICAL for me. If you pass your 8 week, 10 week, 12 week mark and still aren't feeling confident, I just want you to know that the feeling might decrease a LOT once you've had your anatomy scan.

Good luck!!!!

JM said...

I can only imagine how much you want to share the amazing news with everyone possible! Hold out a little longer though if you can! Maybe just share with family? That way you can get it out of your system. Or maybe perfect strangers, like grocery cashiers?

Congrats again!

Drevas said...

I completely agree with Marissa. I was a wreck until my anatomy scan/started feeling movements. Even though I had never gotton any bad news at any of my ultrasounds, the anatomy scan really helped to make me feel at ease that these babies really are doing good in there! And the movements are like the icing on the cake. I love it when I'm in the middle of doing something and I feel one of these little babies (aliens? lol) moving around. It reminds me out of nowhere that they are doing okay. Hang in there... you are doing great! :)