Here’s the longer story of everything going so well yesterday.
The week leading up to the ultrasound was hard. Luckily, I had pregnancy symptoms, some of which couldn’t be imagined. I can placebo-effect myself into exhaustion and salt cravings, but I can’t fake dark nipples or blue veins creeping all over my chest.
All of my mental energy last week was focused on the heartbeat. Like if I thought about it hard enough I could force it into being.
When I laid down on the table yesterday, Dr. Friendly had the screen facing him. There were about 3 seconds after he inserted the wand that he was searching for the sac. They were the longest 3 seconds of my life.
Then he turned the screen to me and I could tell by the way the tension drained out of the room that it was good news. He pointed out the sac, said it looked beautiful. He said “I don’t know that I see a heartbeat…wait a minute, there it is!” I gasped and cried and said “thank you thank you thank you.” It was such a beautiful thing.
I wanted to take a photo with him (dork), so he left the room so I could get dressed and we went into the hallway for the picture. I’m glad I have the picture but it kind of made it hard to ask my list of 7 questions, because then we were awkwardly conferring in the hallway.
A has been wanting to wait until 12 weeks to tell ANYONE, but he is learning how impossible that is. He asked when we could feel comfortable telling, and we were told “not yet”. The Dr. said “Give me two more weeks until your 8 week ultrasound. I’d say you’re at 95% right now, but give me two more weeks anyway.”
So everything went great, right? Then why do I still feel so anxious? I have a pit of anxiety in my stomach that I had always imagined lifting the minute we saw the heartbeat. It’s still there. It’s like I ate a bad burrito that just won’t go away.
I have read so many times that infertility doesn’t go away when you’re pregnant, but I thought it would be different for me. I’m pregnant! And I am excited, don’t get me wrong. But at this point my excitement is outweighed by terror.
I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone this. I don’t want it to be mistaken for a lack of gratitude. UNIVERSE: I AM SO, SO GRATEFUL FOR THIS PRECIOUS GIFT.
But I’m very disappointed in myself. At what point will I be able to enjoy this pregnancy? I know that worrying and stressing isn’t going to make the worst easier if the worst is going to happen.
Can any of you say anything to help me relax?
PS-this has gone on and on so I have to save the bathroom story for another day.