Tuesday, September 20, 2011

2dp5dt - GAH

I thought I would at least have a few critical days to operate normally before I slid straight into 2ww insanity and misery. Boy, was that was foolish of me!

Let’s just review:
  • I have never been pregnant before.
  • I was sexually active and on BCP from 18-22 - no accidents.
  • I went off the pill and tried “naturally” between December ‘09 and May ‘10 – nothing (not surprising, since I wasn’t ovulating at all).
  • June – August ’10 I took Metformin – nothing.
  • September – December ’10 I tried naturally/with clomid and timed intercourse – nothing.
  • In January and April of this year I had IUIs. Nada.
  • In July we did IVF #1. Zilch.
Not so much as a chemical pregnancy to speak of. Never seen two lines except for when I’ve been on hcg triggers/boosters.

So why should I expect this to work? Because, ladies and gentlemen, it has the best chance of working of anything we’ve done, ever.

I never had hope for clomid/IUIs. I know many people conceive that way, but in my gut I knew it wouldn’t work for us. I was right because my eggs do not fertilize without ICSI, as we proved during IVF #1.

IVF #1 was such a disaster that I held out very little hope for our 6-celled embryo. I pretty much mourned the failing of that cycle the day we got our fertilization report.

So why would IVF #2 work? Nothing has ever worked.

But, why wouldn’t it work? We transferred two beautiful blasts and conditions in my hoo-ha were perfect for babymaking.

My pregnancy test is 9/28. All along, I have somehow thought this was a Tuesday. I woke up today and told myself “one week from today.”

In a meeting this morning, someone referenced Thursday, September 29. “Wait a minute,” I thought to myself, “that can’t be right. If 9/29 is a Thursday then 9/28 is…DUN DUN DUN…a WEDNESDAY!” Which it is. Which broke my heart because that’s another day I have to wait to find out if this worked.

Luckily with IVF, 3-5 days of the 2ww are occupied waiting to transfer. That’s nervewracking in its own way, but it’s not the 2ww pain. But now I’m past that and I’m freaking out. I am both dying for beta and terrified of beta.

I don’t even know what to do with myself.


annoyed army wife said...

Oh, man, sending virtual hugs and good vibes your way. Maybe I'll eat some cookie dough ice cream for you, too. ***hugs***

Jem said...

It really helped me in my 2WW to just concentrate on the "not knowing" and to let that be okay. You have done everything earthly possible to make this work and the rest is up to the magic that happens.

Just be good to yourself.

Marissa said...

Well, my suggestion of course is to break out the HPTs. ;)

Waiting is really hard. Especially when an extra day is thrown at you! I hope you have some good books to tide you over.

Fingers crossed!

Alex said...

Oh the 2WW is the WORST!!! You can torture yourself with the "Am I? Or not?" questions - believe me, I know. I'm a self-torture expert! Hang in there, my friend!

Sybil said...

Milkshakes and magazines have always helped me! I am on my 2nd IVF too (all of my embies were frozen due to OHSS) and I have just started my FET cycle. Good luck to you!

Stacy said...

My first reaction was a glass of wine, but No, you could be pregnant! I got Netflix and that occupies my time.... Also, if you watch Big Bang Theory, that starts on Thursday. OR, my new fav is the original Mario on Wii... (I am a nerd, I know) I normally drink wine and watch t.v, that's all I got!

LC said...

I completely understand...this whole process is so hard and the 2WW are endless. :( I agree with Jem - Just be good to yourself and pamper yourself. Sending love and positive wishes!

TurtleMama said...

Hey Lulu - I feel your pain (or will in 1 week). I am pretty emotional right now from all that estrogen. tearing up at sentimental stuff when usually it wouldn't faze me. Hope you are finding good ways to distract yourself!