Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Cleaning the Window

Something has got to change.

At the moment I have a couple of friends who need me. They’re Going Through Something and require large doses of compassion and patience from me. Usually I’m a good friend and have no shortage of compassion (I am, after all, the woman who cried for an hour when she hit a bunny with her car this year).

But I just don’t have it in me right now, and it’s because I’m emotionally depleted already. And it’s too early to be this exhausted by everything.

The window through which I see the world has gotten covered in the grime of infertility. My infertility, that of the women whose blogs I read, my impatience with the process, my resentment towards people who have children so easily, the fundamental feeling that something is missing in my life, my general sense of injustice that some people go through this and some don’t. I can’t see my situation or the situation of anyone around me clearly anymore, because this infertility gunk has built up and it’s distorting my vision.

I’m not even Going Through Anything right now, in the grand scheme of things. Yes, I was disappointed my first cycle of clomid didn’t work, and really frustrated by the waiting game. Yes, it’s been almost 11 months since we started TTC. And I’m giddily nervous about a new cycle starting up. But really at this time I should be feeling pretty “life as usual”, and if my “usual” is to be completely emotionally unavailable to those I care about, something has got to change.

I’ve got to get back to the point where my TTC/infertility journey is just part of who I am, and does not define me. I am not naïve. I know I’m an IF baby and it’s possible that I’ve barely taken the first few steps of this journey. There’s potentially a hell of a lot more heartache, frustration, expense, and unpleasant medical procedures ahead of us. And if my desire for a baby and my ache to be pregnant is consuming me already, I will be in no shape to continue on when the going really does get tough. I don’t want my trials to ruin my marriage and my friendships.

So I’m off on a journey to find some balance and perspective through this whole thing. 

I visit the new OBGYN this afternoon, and I will hopefully switch to her practice to get away from Nurse Useless and the incompetence that reigns at my current doctor's office. I’m a bit nervous about the appointment but mainly looking forward to it. I know it’s selfish and silly, but I wish she would just give me some words of hope and encouragement.

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