Thursday, July 7, 2011

I won't say it's been the worst birthday ever...

Last night A and I loaded up the pups for the second time to start the long trek to the RE. This time we had to be there in the morning, so we spent the night at my parents' house last night. We slept fitfully on an air mattress all night while our dog paced around because she hates when her routine is broken (me too, sister).

Luckily, the drive went smoothly this morning. The first thing they did when I got there was take my blood, and it was the most painless needle prick I've ever had, which is saying something considering I had barely had anything to drink all morning.

Then, I went into the ultrasound room and was reunited with my old flame: the dildocam. It had really been too long since I had felt its probing touch. It was determined that my ovaries were sufficiently suppressed. (Thanks Lupron!)

This is where it started sucking. I have had what I've been calling "a fake period" for two weeks now. Light-to-medium spotting, enough that I need a tampon at all times, while my body tried desperately to have a period despite the BCP I had been taking. Well Tuesday I took my last BCP and that has opened the floodgates. My flow is pretty heavy and I'm crampy.

I hopped off the exam table and got dressed, moving directly to the rest room to return a tampon in its rightful spot. Some stupid dude was in there and would NOT come out, leaving me to hop around outside the bathroom hoping I wasn't bleeding too much all over my clothes. The nurse who was to do my appointment kept asking me if I was ready and I kept saying no.

Slow bathroom dude finally came out, so I rushed in there to do my thing. Such was my hurry that halfway through the tampon insertion (which wasn't going so smoothly since they were the dr-provided ones and not my usual brand), some girl just walks right in the bathroom, because I had neglected to lock the door. I was mortified.

Then we proceeded to our calendar/consent meeting. We got our calendar with the remainder of our injection information and our tentative retrieval/transfer dates. She showed us how to do the Bravelle/Menopur injections.

The hubs and I had previously decided not to do cryopreservation. But we had misunderstood the procedures the doctor's office follows, which means we pretty much must do the cryo. So that was a $1200 expense we were not planning on and that kind of shit stresses me out.

We left the doctor's office and I didn't even make it to the elevator before the tears started. I had a good hour long cry. I lamented all the things we could do with the money we're spending on the cycle. I cried because I was so broken that we had to do this in the first place. I cried because I'm scared, I have no idea how I'm going to react to the hormones I'm about to inject into my body, and because I was completely confused and overwhelmed by the injection demonstration.

I wept because there are just so many hard decisions to make, and I also wept because my husband is so good to me and says things like "The cost of this cycle is such a small price to pay to start our family" and "You can do this, we are already at the finish line, we just have to sprint the last few feet" and "You are so strong and you have no idea what you are capable of". I cried because I don't really deserve him.

I also cried because, goddamnit, it's my birthday, and why did the emotional breakdown have to come now??


TurtleMama said...

Infertility is not for sissies! I am sorry that you had to go through this on your birthday, but it looks like you had a positive report and are on to the next level. I, like you, get more stressed about the finances than my husband does. I guess someone has to get stressed. It seems so unfair that insurance does not cover this. I hope that you are feeling better and I am looking forward to hearing how the stims go.

Marissa said...

Happy birthday!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so sorry it wasn't the best day. Also, I hate generic tampons and I can't believe someone walked in on you! Ugh.

*hugs* May this be your last baby-free birthday ever.

Roccie said...

Happy birthday doll face. Try not to fear the meds. Sure they are a drag, but there is so much motion in the whole process - it will propel you forward.

Best wishes.

fateofcookie123 said...

Don't worry, you are braver than most gals. :) I know you are feeling. I was in tears for months before coming to terms with IVF and what road I was heading to. I am hoping for the best for you.

Chickenpig said...

Ug! I'm sorry emotional floodgates had to open on your birthday :( And I hate it when the guys at the RE's use the bathroom. C'mon guys, there are ladies with full bladders and with all kinds of issues hopped up on hormones who NEED this bathroom. Use the men's room in the hallway, ok?

I hope the rest of the day isn't a complete wash out. It can't go anywhere but up, right? :)

thirtiesgirl said...

Happy Birthday!
Sorry for your hard day. I hear you though, this whole process sucks. Not only do we have to go thru the meds/pain/etc but it also wipes out our bank accounts. Also, hoping you are feeling better today.

Alex said...

I think a good hour-long cry after going over the finances and really committing to IVF is completely normal, and quite frankly, healthy. This is such tough stuff, of course it's emotional! I'm sorry you had to spend your birthday like this. But now you're on a great path to your baby. I'm so excited for you!!! Happy Birthday!