8w6d

Tomorrow I’ll be 9 weeks pregnant, and I know you’re all wondering how I am. The answer is: bloated, queasy, and happy.

I am bloated. I do not have the nerve to say “I’m showing”, and I don’t have a baby bump. But my pants, which in early September were sagging off of me because of the 10 pounds I lost earlier this year, are a struggle to button. Jeans are very uncomfortable. This increased bloat is only around the midsection (not face, butt, thighs, etc) and is probably a combination of 1) IVF drugs 2) large ovaries post-retrieval 3) 7 weeks on prometrium 4) a drastic decrease in my activity level and 5) all of the potato chips I’ve been eating.

I am queasy. I feel nauseous a lot, but I haven’t thrown up and for that I feel very thankful. I did dry heave this morning, and probably would have thrown up had I eaten breakfast at that point. I’m very stereotypical – sensitive to smells and anything that looks gross (dishes sitting in the sink, dog puke, meals covered in brown gravy – all of which I was exposed to on Saturday alone - yuck).

While being nauseous isn’t exactly fun, it’s such a relief to feel pregnant. I’ll take it.

I am happy. I still have occasional moment of feeling “not pregnant enough”, I still squeeze my nipples a few times a day to ensure they’re sore (my breasts aren’t sore, just the nips, although my breasts feel very heavy and pendulous). I still sometimes feel terrified when I say things like “But I’ll be on maternity leave when that project rolls out” because do I really deserve this? Should I really take it for granted that this baby will be born healthy?

But 90% of the time I’m just happy. I’m a pregnant woman. I never thought I’d get here and it makes me smile just to think about it.

I have a 10 week ultrasound next Monday (at 9w6d). I can’t wait to see the baby again. : )

8 weeks - I'm a real, live pregnant lady.

Our baby has a face, and we saw it do a little somersault! (probably because I'm still having dildocam sonograms and seriously, talk about disturbing the peace up in there for the little guy!) It has little flippers that will become arms and legs. Wild, right?

If you want to stop reading my blog, I understand. I have been there! And if you stick around, I promise I'll try to be as un-obnoxious as I can be. That said, let me annoy you with the joy in my life right now.

We told both sets of my grandparents last night, in person. I surprised them because no one knew I was in town after the doctor's appointment (no one even knew I had an appt except my parents). Everyone was wildly excited, there were tears and hugs and phone calls to aunts and uncles. It was everything I have always hoped it would be.

Think about my grandma, who had my dad and his twin sister at age 19 (then three more kids). She remembers the day my dad came over with a case of beer and said "We're having a baby!", who is now, 25 years later, coming over with that baby to say "I'm gonna be a grandpa!" I can't imagine living such a long and fulfilling life.

I'm public with the pregnancy now. I won't go on facebook till 12 or 13 weeks, but I've told my boss and all of my close friends and family. I know many people disagree with me on this decision - I, too, would have disagreed six months ago. I was judgmental about people who told at 6, 7, 8, 9 weeks. What can I say? I'd already kept this a secret for four weeks and I wanted to start enjoying it.

Negative outcomes are not possible in my mind right now. This will be a happy and healthy pregnancy. The anxiety I was experiencing last week was unbearable and, in the end, probably bad for the baby. I would rather be completely caught off guard by a loss than holding my breath for the next several months, regardless.

This will work out. I am 25, healthy, and have a beautifully shaped uterus. This baby's genetic material was hand-picked by experts from 17 eggs and millions of sperm. I'm done worrying.

Don't give up. Infertility is hell and you have to keep going. You will get there. I thought I would never see two lines, and I did. I never even let myself imagine the sound of a heartbeat. I heard it yesterday.

This can work for you, too.

I'm so happy.

7w6d

Baby is measuring exactly on track. We heard a very strong heartbeat. I've been released to my OB. I'm just a regular pregnant woman now.

Whoa.

7w5d

Somewhere around last Thursday I stopped being scared. I started feeling pregnant. I started telling a few close friends about the pregnancy. I started knowing that everything is going to go alright tomorrow at the ultrasound. I stopped worrying.

It has felt good. But a part of me is still afraid this optimism is going to come back and bite me in the ass.

Cross your fingers that everything looks good tomorrow. Last time they didn't give me measurements or heartbeat rates - the RE just said "beautiful" a few times. I hope tomorrow we get more information.

7 weeks and very anxious

I have rounded the halfway point until my next ultrasound, which is a week from yesterday.

I’m still alternating between being sure this will work out and being terrified.

I have not had morning sickness, but I have felt dizzy almost all of the time. My nipples are still a little sore and dark. I still have blue veins on my chest, but they’re not as noticeable as they were.

I’m not quite as exhausted in the evenings as I was last week, although I slept pretty much all of Sunday and felt terrible that day. Yesterday I had about an hour of feeling yucky in the afternoon.

I had near constant cramps that petered out last week, came back full force on Friday, and now have been almost totally missing (although as I type this, they’re making a liar out of me and coming back oh-so-mildly).

I had some “spotting” last Thursday night. I put it in quotes because it barely even counted. There was hardly any of it, and it was a light, light brown or tan color. I knew it was probably nothing to worry about, but I still sat on the couch and cried in fear. I called my Dr. on call and he reassured me that it was nothing to worry about. It hasn’t returned.

I don’t know how on earth I will wait until Monday for another ultrasound. I’m terrified the baby has stopped growing.

I’m trying to get my husband to let me call the RE and request a scan with my OB here in town. I feel like if I told them 1) my symptoms were decreasing, 2) I had spotting last week, 3) I’m unbelievably anxious and 4) currently adjusting to life off of my anti-depressant, they’d definitely let me go in. A thinks this is a terrible idea and I should be able to manage my anxiety better than that. But…I cannot.

Please hurry up, Monday.

6 weeks - is this real?

Here’s the longer story of everything going so well yesterday.

The week leading up to the ultrasound was hard. Luckily, I had pregnancy symptoms, some of which couldn’t be imagined. I can placebo-effect myself into exhaustion and salt cravings, but I can’t fake dark nipples or blue veins creeping all over my chest.

All of my mental energy last week was focused on the heartbeat. Like if I thought about it hard enough I could force it into being.

When I laid down on the table yesterday, Dr. Friendly had the screen facing him. There were about 3 seconds after he inserted the wand that he was searching for the sac. They were the longest 3 seconds of my life.

Then he turned the screen to me and I could tell by the way the tension drained out of the room that it was good news. He pointed out the sac, said it looked beautiful. He said “I don’t know that I see a heartbeat…wait a minute, there it is!” I gasped and cried and said “thank you thank you thank you.” It was such a beautiful thing.

I wanted to take a photo with him (dork), so he left the room so I could get dressed and we went into the hallway for the picture. I’m glad I have the picture but it kind of made it hard to ask my list of 7 questions, because then we were awkwardly conferring in the hallway.

A has been wanting to wait until 12 weeks to tell ANYONE, but he is learning how impossible that is. He asked when we could feel comfortable telling, and we were told “not yet”. The Dr. said “Give me two more weeks until your 8 week ultrasound. I’d say you’re at 95% right now, but give me two more weeks anyway.”

So everything went great, right? Then why do I still feel so anxious? I have a pit of anxiety in my stomach that I had always imagined lifting the minute we saw the heartbeat. It’s still there. It’s like I ate a bad burrito that just won’t go away.

I have read so many times that infertility doesn’t go away when you’re pregnant, but I thought it would be different for me. I’m pregnant! And I am excited, don’t get me wrong. But at this point my excitement is outweighed by terror.

I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone this. I don’t want it to be mistaken for a lack of gratitude. UNIVERSE: I AM SO, SO GRATEFUL FOR THIS PRECIOUS GIFT.

But I’m very disappointed in myself. At what point will I be able to enjoy this pregnancy? I know that worrying and stressing isn’t going to make the worst easier if the worst is going to happen.

Can any of you say anything to help me relax?

PS-this has gone on and on so I have to save the bathroom story for another day.

5w6d

I'm sorry it took me so long to post this. Keep in mind a trip to the RE involves six hours in the car for us!

We saw a heartbeat. A tiny, miraculous, little flicker. Like a firefly lighting up the summer sky. I cried.

I hope to have more time tomorrow to write about my emotions, how the u/s went, and how everything has been since my last post.

Tomorrow's post will also include a heartwarming story involving a strange woman while I was taking a poop in the bathroom. : )

4w4d

This morning I slept in till 9:30, took a two and a half hour nap, and now it's 10 pm and I'm ready to go to sleep. I'm not entirely sure this is pregnancy-related -- I might just be really damn lazy.

So how am I? I know you're all wondering. Well, it depends. I spend most of my time trying to forget I am pregnant. Sometimes it works -- I went out with friends last night and managed to go a whole hour without thinking about it. Every time that happens, then I remember and it's a thrilling jolt of excitement.

I am so happy to be pregnant. For a solid week now I've felt PMS-like cramps, and I'm relieved every time there's activity down there.

But I'm also terrified. I know that this can be stolen away from me in a moment, at any time. I know too much and have read too many stories. Several times a day I have a flash of fear that I will lie down on the table next Monday and see an ultrasound screen without a fetal pole.

I have no reason to believe this will go wrong. I have solid beta numbers. I have never miscarried before. I'm 25. Our embryos were great.

But I also have PCOS and endometriosis.

I am doing my best to proceed happily. I'm tearing down wallpaper in the room that will be the nursery. I started a "Pregnancy" folder on iPhoto, with a photo of me the day of the transfer, all my pee stick photos, our embryos and a "4w2d" belly photo I took as a baseline.

I'm trying to stay busy until my ultrasound at 5w6d. I know that's early to see a heartbeat, but I have two friends who saw their heartbeats on the same day. So I'm crossing my fingers.

I'm scared, but I am hopeful.