Apparently my threshold is 7dp3dt. That is as far as I can get without going crazy.
Yesterday I lost control. I woke up feeling like it didn’t work. I sunk further and further into depression so that by the time we got in the car to go to my mom’s house, I was crying and my heart was just so, so heavy.
I haven’t cried in a while, not since we found out Little E was going to make it to transfer, and those were tears of relief.
On Friday, I went to see my co-worker/friend’s two-day old baby and I didn’t even cry then.
Yesterday I started the mourning process for this first IVF cycle.
But then. Then! This morning I continued my pee stick routine. And there is no doubt about it (well, a little doubt, but not much). Yesterday and today (7dp3dt, 1 day post booster 3 and 8dp3dt, 2 days post booster 3) are a little darker than 1 day post booster 2 and 2 days post booster 2. Can you even read that sentence? I told you I’ve lost my mind. I even started posting photos of things I’ve peed on to twitter.
This could mean anything. HPTs are not reliable, let alone after a bunch of hcg boosters. The lines will either continue to get darker tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday until beta on Friday, or they will fade. I can deal with either result, I know I can.
I don’t think it would be so hard if our anniversary weren’t tomorrow. On my wedding day, I never, ever, EVER would have thought I would reach my third anniversary without a child in my arms. The fact that we have been married for three years without so much as one pregnancy is gutwrenching to me.
Furthermore, I’m so disgusted by how much of our marriage has been consumed with this bullshit. From the “longing to TTC but waiting for health insurance” stage, to “waiting for ovulation”, to “waiting for Metformin to work”, to “clomid”, to “do you have sperm or not?” (yes, thank God), to “is my uterus messed up?” (no, thank God) to “surgery time”, to “IUIs”, to where I am today…that’s our entire three years. It hurts.
Anyway. We shall learn a lot in the next 48 hours, ladies.