Monday, August 1, 2011


Apparently my threshold is 7dp3dt. That is as far as I can get without going crazy.

Yesterday I lost control. I woke up feeling like it didn’t work. I sunk further and further into depression so that by the time we got in the car to go to my mom’s house, I was crying and my heart was just so, so heavy.

I haven’t cried in a while, not since we found out Little E was going to make it to transfer, and those were tears of relief.

On Friday, I went to see my co-worker/friend’s two-day old baby and I didn’t even cry then.

Yesterday I started the mourning process for this first IVF cycle.

But then. Then! This morning I continued my pee stick routine. And there is no doubt about it (well, a little doubt, but not much). Yesterday and today (7dp3dt, 1 day post booster 3 and 8dp3dt, 2 days post booster 3) are a little darker than 1 day post booster 2 and 2 days post booster 2. Can you even read that sentence? I told you I’ve lost my mind. I even started posting photos of things I’ve peed on to twitter.

This could mean anything. HPTs are not reliable, let alone after a bunch of hcg boosters. The lines will either continue to get darker tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday until beta on Friday, or they will fade. I can deal with either result, I know I can.

I don’t think it would be so hard if our anniversary weren’t tomorrow. On my wedding day, I never, ever, EVER would have thought I would reach my third anniversary without a child in my arms. The fact that we have been married for three years without so much as one pregnancy is gutwrenching to me.

Furthermore, I’m so disgusted by how much of our marriage has been consumed with this bullshit. From the “longing to TTC but waiting for health insurance” stage, to “waiting for ovulation”, to “waiting for Metformin to work”, to “clomid”, to “do you have sperm or not?” (yes, thank God), to “is my uterus messed up?” (no, thank God) to “surgery time”, to “IUIs”, to where I am today…that’s our entire three years. It hurts.

Anyway. We shall learn a lot in the next 48 hours, ladies.


Chickenpig said...

Oh how the 2ww can drive us crazy! Wouldn't it be nice to be able to take a magic pill, fall into a deep sleep, and wake up just in time for the beta test? Or maybe we could sleep at the clinic and they would draw blood while we slept, and they could just give us the news when we woke up?

I've got everything crossed for you. Hang in there!

Jay said...

Well, I know I'm already on pins and needles for the next 48 hours. I can't wait to hear the results and I, for one, am thinking positively for you! Good luck!!!

My New Normal said...

That 2ww can really be hell. Maybe someday they can figure a way to test even sooner.

Wishing you a bfp and a cute squishy baby to take home!!

Jem said...

Am I a bad person by laughing at the first line of your post? I laughed because I feel your pain. We all do. I find the first week of the 2WW is filled with hope. The second? Despair.

I am hoping and praying that those lines get darker and darker.

I might do the pee every day thing with this medicated dIUI cycle. I typically think pee sticks are the devil.

TurtleMama said...

the 2ww is so hard! You're gonna make it though! Breathe deeply. You can rest in the knowledge that you have done everything you could do to make this happen. Wishing you lots of luck and BFP!

Kristen said...

Good luck! Everything crossed for you!
I just went through the 2WW and had a breakdown towards the end of it too. is so hard. And my husband and I will have been married 3 years in October and same thing...our whole marriage has been consumed by this fertility crap. Can't wait to have something else going on...
Sending lots of good BFP thoughts your way! Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

Hii, me agian (emailed u a few weeks ago cuz we were starting IVF at the same time) i just sent u a request to follow on twitter cuz I wanna see ur tests. I had 18 eggs retrieved, 15 fertilized, only 2 that were ok quality, and only one made to transfer. Im 28 and was shocked :( also I was supp to have a 5 day transfer but it didn't reach blast stage on time so had a 6 day transfer. Just felt like it was all wrong, but still have some crazy hope :/
Any symptoms?? Or do u think it's all progesterone? Anyways I'm bepaisley on twitter, hope u accept my request, been following ur blog, really hope u get ur positive!

Still A Guest Room said...

Waiting is terrible! Thinking of you and hoping those lines get darker and darker!!!

Alex said...

The 2WW is the WORST!!! I so hope that those lines mean something, and just keep getting darker!!!

thirtiesgirl said...

You're almost done with it! Hope those lines continue to get darker.