Wednesday, August 3, 2011

BFN

That's right. This cycle failed.

I knew yesterday because the positive HPT was way too faint. Today, 10dp3dt, it was just plain negative. No booster, no fetus, no pregnancy.

Yesterday was honestly a day full of soul-crushing disappointment. I could barely keep it together and I'm afraid I was a bitch to everyone at work. It was not a happy anniversary. I was blinded by this recent loss and couldn't see anything but three years of failure.

But really, look at what we have done in three years:

  • A finished his master's
  • we moved
  • we bought our house
  • we got a second dog
  • we bought a car
  • I quit my old job and got this current job
  • A got his current job
  • I've been promoted twice
  • I've been to the ER
  • I've been to California,
  • A has been to Oklahoma
  • We went on a honeymoon in Mexico
  • We took a Caribbean vacation
  • I got diagnosed with PCOS
  • I've have a wisdom tooth extraction, HSG, laparascopy, and egg retrieval
  • We've had two failed clomid cycles,
  • Two failed IUIs,
  • and a failed IVF
So that's quite a lot even though I'm still so heartbroken that we aren't parents yet.

Today I'm just angry and bitter and I know from experience that this will linger. Get ready. I plan to be drunk a lot.

Beta is Friday and I wish I could just save my time and money and skip it. We are definitely going to try again, as soon as we are able to.

For now, I have fun plans with friends this weekend while A is away, and I have a trip to California coming up in less than a month. 

I will get through this.

PS--we are making plans to skip Christmas this year.

19 comments:

Guiri de California said...

Sorry. I have been following your blog for awhile, and was really hoping the first time would be a charm. I understand the getting drunk part. I will have my transfer next week. The in-laws from Spain are coming a few days later, and I've already requested 3 bottles of Rioja just in case my 1st IVF cycle doesn't work out. What you're feeling is normal, but it still sucks. In any case, I'll leave you with a quote since it's appropriate in these kinds of circumstances.

"Life is truly known only to those who suffer, lose, endure adversity and stumble from defeat to defeat."
— Anais Nin

P.S. Hope you feel better soon. XX

Still A Guest Room said...

So, so sorry.

Chickenpig said...

Oh no! Please say it isn't so :(
I'm so sorry. I know that hope can be a bitch that kicks you in the teeth. So let me hope for you until Friday.

Alex said...

I'm so sorry for the BFN. That's one heck of a list - a lot good, a little bad. Try to focus on the good... Sending you love and hugs today.

Emily said...

Oh, no. No, no, no. I'm so sorry.

Jo said...

I am so, so, sorry. I don't want to negate your feelings of loss in any way -- but I do want you to know that I've seen women have a negative at 13 dpo and get a positive later. I totally understand if its easier to let go of hope right now, but I'm going to hang on just a little longer for you.

Sending much love and hugs your way,
Jo

Anonymous said...

:( that's horrible
I hope you get a surprise Friday but I know u dont even want to hope and get crushed again
I'm dying to test myself but am so scared to see a negative I haven't...I just keep thinking Drs were prove surprised by the poor egg quality and will put me on a better protocol next time (as they will for u hopefully) but looking at my insurance coverage and finances I dunno when next time will be...don't know what I'll do with myself - glad u r staying busy, it's the only way to keep going
Still two days till ur beta I'm gonna hope and pray ur numbers show diff from the test - sarah (bepaisley)

Jem said...

Oh, sweetie, my heart goes out to you. Your list is quite impressive. You've achieve so much AND been through so much loss.

Please have a glass of your favorite drink on me!

bodegabliss said...

Ugh. I'm so, so sorry. I'm thinking about you.

annoyed army wife said...

I'm so sorry to hear your news. I hoping this would be it for you, but I love your resilience with thinking of all the things you've done in 3 years. You are one strong woman! Thinking of you!

Marissa said...

I'm so sorry. :(

I wholeheartedly approve of getting your drink on and skipping Christmas.

thirtiesgirl said...

So sorry! Also thinking of you.

My New Normal said...

So sorry!

TurtleMama said...

I am so sorry to hear this. It's so hard to go through all this. I'm glad to see that you are still so hopeful.

Gigi said...

I'm really very sorry. I grew up hearing "it's always darkest before the dawn" & life up til now has borne that out. Your dawn is coming :-)

Kerrik said...

So sorry to read this. Thinking of you and you husband.

Roccie said...

Hey Lu, I am really really sorry it didnt work out.

LC said...

So sorry honey ... I know how much this hurts. Thinking of you!

Chickenpig said...

Thinking of you today. :) My fingers are crossed that you receive a pleasant surprise.