Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The death of a friendship

It’s hard to watch a friendship fall apart. I’ve seen a number of them come and go, but I’ve probably never stressed out about one as much as I am stressing about my failing friendship with J.

It’s hard to know where it all went wrong. It started with personality differences. Once I got some perspective, I realized I didn’t really like the way she conducted herself.

Then I felt that she didn’t support me in the right way with the infertility stuff. To be fair, I didn’t really know how to articulate my needs and I recognize that she was in a tough position.

Then she and her husband started TTC and that was the first major nail in the coffin. I couldn’t handle it and she showed an enormous lack of empathy. She had the guts to complain about how tedious sex was on her second TTC month, while I was gearing up for my first IUI and mourning the loss of sex in the baby making process.

In January she deeply offended me by pushing her religion on me. I responded too harshly and she was hurt.

Then she, understandably, went radio silence for a while when she found out she was pregnant and hadn’t told me yet.

When she told me she was pregnant, I thought I reacted very well. In fact, looking back, I probably reacted too well. She thought she could talk to me about her pregnancy and I wasn’t ready.

I told her I needed space and she honored that for a week or two and then stopped giving me the space I needed.

I was too firm with my demand for space.

She kept trying to make the “break” on her terms, and about her. I was in a dark place after my second IUI failed and she didn’t respect what I needed.

Then I emailed her inquiring about a mutual friend. Apparently, she didn’t like that. She was short with me in her response.

So I gave up.

Gearing up for our group dinner last month, I texted people and said “please don’t bring up my infertility. We can talk about it one-on-one if you’d like an update.” That was the agreement: no pregnancy talk, no infertility talk when J and I were together.

Then she stomped all over the agreement by talking about her pregnancy almost exclusively.

I was so mad when I left that I was trembling.

So now we pointedly do not talk. We do not communicate.

I am not going to her baby shower, although I will send a gift card. I’m not callous enough to let it pass by completely unnoticed.

Looking back, I’m not sure if I could have done anything differently. Some things are just meant to end.


Alex said...

Oh this sucks, I'm so sorry. It sounds like she can't be a good friend to you, and unfortunately it's time to let her go. True friends can be sensitive, and roll with the punches, but it sounds like she can't. I'm sorry.

Marissa said...

I'm so sorry.

I recently let go of someone like that. It may sound awful, but cutting the final lines has been a load off my back. I was at a point where I couldn't enjoy a single thing about the relationship--not even the memories. Letting go has made me...well, not forgive, but not have it as a rock in my shoe anymore.

Sad, but better than the alternative, which is never coming to peace.

Roccie said...

Lots of love. It hurts a lot. People just dont get it when it comes to infertility. Hell, I have met infertiles that dont get it.

It is easy to let it bring you down. Some friends are just temporary and that can be okay too.