Last night I had a crazy dream. I was visiting my dear friends Amy and Ben, who live 5 hours away (we are actually going to visit them in July). While I was there, I got online and followed a link from some website, where I read that Amy was expecting and was quite far along because she already knew she was having a boy.
I started freaking out – how could I not know she’s expecting when I’m staying at her house?? I confronted her and asked if she was pregnant and she denied it. I laughed and told her how relieved I was, at which point she told me that actually, she was pregnant.
I completely flipped out in the dream…in a way I would never actually let myself. I was running around frantically, screaming, crying hysterically, throwing myself on the ground. People were trying to comfort me and I physically pushed them away. At one point, I saw a pool and seriously considered drowning myself (I don’t feel suicidal, I promise).
Finally I encountered Amy again and I said the following:
“Do you understand how much loss I feel? I’ll never get to tell my husband I’m pregnant in a cute and romantic way. I’ll never get to come up with a way to announce it to our parents – instead I just get to tell them when we’re beginning treatment, get them excited and then disappoint them when my body fails to do what it’s supposed to. Our babies will be created in an act of science. I will be robbed of my pregnancy when I finally achieve it because I know too much and will have constant anxiety. I already feel robbed of the big family I wanted because I don’t know if I can ever go through this again and might have to just settle for one child. I feel so much loss in my life because of my infertility.”
It was shocking how clearly I articulated this in my dream. Now IRL, I would never have to say any of this to Amy. She’s extremely sweet and supportive.
Also, then the dream became her wedding day, and I was in her wedding (which I actually wasn’t), and I refused to walk down the aisle for her because she betrayed me by getting pregnant when she knew it was my fucking turn.
And guess what…I felt a lot better when I woke up. It felt good to behave bitterly, resentfully, and irrationally in my dream. I would never allow myself to behave that way, but I got it all out of my system in the dream.
I do feel robbed of the things I talked about in my dream, and sometimes I do want to have hysterical, dramatic, very public breakdowns. But now that I identified exactly how I have been feeling since this latest BFN, I feel like I can move on. I’m not angry anymore.
What a productive dream.