Here is something I have been pondering for several days.
Am I depressed?
My thoughts are so scattered and awkward that I can only express them to you in list form. So here is what I know.
- I have a heavy family history of anxiety/depression disorders. My paternal grandmother has been on anti-depressants for 15-20 years. My maternal grandmother was hospitalized more than once for anxiety attacks. And it doesn’t end there (aunts, great-grandparents, cousins, etc).
- I have been diagnosed with “major depression” by two therapists, each of whom I saw for a year before giving up on them, and neither of whom ever mentioned the idea of medication.
- I am not, currently, the person I want to be. I am an angry, upset, rude, unkind, pimply, tired version of her.
- I would rather stay home than go out into the world and inflict my negativity on people I care about.
- I don’t feel that I will ever be completely happy, and I never truly feel worthy of friendship or love.
- I can’t stop clenching my teeth at night. My jaw is always sore in the morning. This has been going on for about four months.
- I’m losing interest in things I used to love. I don’t want to teach or take yoga anymore, even though a year ago yoga was my life. I don’t read as much as I used to. I dread book club because I have to see my pregnant friend there. I make excuses not to go to the gym even though I love going.
- I’d rather stay home and watch Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix than do anything. This is partly because, seriously, it’s an awesome show, but also because it allows me to ignore the world and my problems. I am already terrified of what I will do when I’ve watched it all.
- I’m sick right now. So the past few days, of course I haven’t felt like doing anything. I’m also just getting over my latest BFN.
- I’m going through infertility. Isn’t it natural to be sad all the time? But at the same time…
- …When I look back on my life, I realize that I am sad or angry most of the time. There are a lot of photos of me on very happy days when I remember feeling completely exhausted or worried about something else. Not enjoying myself like I look.
- My husband says I am miserable more than I am happy.
So what’s the solution? I’m over therapy. It hasn’t helped and I have enough medical bills as it is. Do I tough it out or do I ask for anti-depressants? How do you ask for those? Can I just call up Dr. Lovely and tell her what I just told you and ask for a prescription? Are there any that are pregnancy-friendly? How hard is it to get off of them eventually? Any advice on this topic would be very helpful. My husband is ready for me to try medication. I don’t know if I’m ready.
How do I know when I’m ready?