How are babies made? Part 1

After her last IUI, The Infertile Gynecologist wrote this amazing post about how babies are made. I’m using her as inspiration to tell you about today. If we end up conceiving this cycle, I’ll have this story to tell.

Question: Mommy, how are babies made?

Answer: Well, one day mommy goes to the doctor. It’s only day 13 of her cycle and she has never triggered before day 17. She makes bets with daddy about how big her follicles will be, deciding on one 12, one 13.

Mommy lies down in a dark room with a nice woman who looks inside her at her right ovary. There aren’t many baby seeds in there, and what’s there are very small. The biggest is 12mm, just exactly like mommy thought.

But then. THEN! The nice lady looks at mommy’s left ovary and we are all so excited! There are two beautiful baby seeds on that side! One just over 18 mm and one at 21! Mommy, daddy, the nice woman at the ultrasound machine, and Dr. Lovely are all pleasantly surprised that the baby seeds grew so fast.

It’s time for mommy to get a little shot. Usually, the nurse gives this shot there at the doctor’s office, but mommy is a slacker and hasn’t even picked up the shot from the pharmacy yet (because seriously, she thought she had at least three more days before she needed it).

So mommy and daddy go to Meijer to get the baby-making juice. They both have to go back to work, and mommy doesn’t want to do the baby-making juice shot in the car. So mommy and daddy walk into the Meijer family bathroom together, and get some weird looks from the Meijer staff sitting having a soda break.

They probably knew that mommy and daddy were going in there to try to make a baby, but they probably couldn’t guess the specifics.

Daddy gives mommy the baby making shot that makes her break out in big ugly pimples.

To be continued…

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That’s right…IUI #2 is scheduled for 4 pm tomorrow. A good 4-5 days earlier than I thought it would be. I guess that’s good. Apparently my left ovary is in overachiever mode this time around. I’m still not excited but the bitch cloud that has been following me around for the past two days has lifted. Thankfully.

So tired.

I had been in great spirits. I found out mid-January that IUI #1 failed and I had a rough couple of weeks. But by mid February I pulled out of it, determined to have a positive attitude and focus on the (multiple) good things going on in my life. I have been succeeding. I’ve been noticeably happier.

Yesterday was my first really rough day. At lunch with two co-workers, one let it slip that a mutual acquaintance is pregnant. Apparently they kept this info from me because everyone thought – correctly – that it would upset me. Why? Because this person is married to a convicted felon, known drug user and dealer, who also beats her and mentally abuses her.

Then, just when I had started feeling like my pants are looser and my belly feels a bit flatter, I weighed myself and found out I’ve gained two pounds in the past week. Ack. Not enough to depress me on its own, but yesterday it was the last straw. I got home and crawled in A’s lap and sat there for a long time.

I hope I’m done with pregnancy announcements for a while. In the past three months there have been too many that hit too closely to home. I’m tired of them. I’m tired of being around pregnant women. I can see myself slipping back into the “why can’t it be me” fog, the funk where I’d rather just stay at home and mope than go out and deal with the things that hurt.

I can hear how tired people are of telling me the same things over and over. My mom has got to be sick of saying “You’re going to have your chance” and I’m frankly tired of hearing it.

I’m tired of faking enthusiasm for other people’s pregnancies.
I can’t muster up a bit of hope for this IUI, and I don’t even really want to. I just want it to be over with.

I’m just tired.

IUI #2

All systems are "go" for IUI #2. Dildocam found no cysts (except those same paraovarians that have been there forever). My lining is deplorably thin but what can you do? I start 100 mg of clomid tomorrow.

I really don't care about this IUI. All eyes are on the appointment with the RE in May because I can't bear to get excited about this cycle. I have only told one friend about it (as opposed to last time where everyone knew what was going on) and I don't think I'm even going to tell my parents. My tactic is basically to pretend it isn't happening.

Maybe that's bad, cynical, but whatever. I don't have any reason to believe it will work and it's really just a way to kill time until I get to see the RE. I don't want to be hopeful. I'd rather focus on my diet and weight loss goals and going to the gym.

Of course since I'm "relaxing" about it all, I'll probably get pregnant this time. Hahahahahaha oh man it hurts I'm laughing so hard.

Not much else to share - thank you all for your solidarity in agreeing that the "bun in the oven" facebook photo is basically the worst travesty since the invention of reality television.

You girls are the best.

CD3

Yes, for those of you who don't follow me on twitter, it's worth mentioning that I started my period on Saturday.

Besides the obvious meaning here (ahem, that I'm not pregnant), the more exciting meaning is that I continue to kick PCOS ass. I've now miraculously managed to have TWO ovulatory, non-medicated cycles (by non-medicated I mean I take only 2000 mgs of Metformin).

The first cycle was 20 days and the second was 31. So I don't think we can quite consider these "regular cycles" yet. But for someone who spent her first YEAR off BCP menstruating only when provera and clomid marched in and demanded it...this is pretty damn exciting.

It also means that IUI #2 kicks off tomorrow with a date with the dildocam. As long as I don't have a cyst or some other unforeseen obstacle, this is going to be perfect timing. I have 63 days until my consultation with the RE, which is just enough time to get this cycle under my belt, process it, and move on.

Of course the fact that it's perfect timing means I'm practically BEGGING the universe to put something in my way. I'll have to report back tomorrow on that one.

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I picked up Phoebe Potts's graphic novel Good Eggs at the library. I've never read a graphic novel before but this one has come well-recommended. I'm super excited to read my first infertility-based book and think I'll save it till my 2ww.

The best part is that my library didn't have the book, but they ordered it when I requested it. So once I'm done with it, other local infertiles will benefit. Sweet.

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Last night, my friend J announced her pregnancy on facebook...by posting a photo of her oven with a bun cooking in it.
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Other than that, not much news. A has been super sweet lately. Last night he called my name from the other room and said "Thanks for being in my life." He also dealt with calling Dr. Lovely for me today to set up my dildocam appointment. He's the best : )

A fabulous fertile friend (they do exist)

I feel a moral obligation to write this post for all the times I bitch and moan about fertile people.

Back in January, when my co-worker Annie told me she was pregnant, she and I weren’t very close. She only knew about my situation because last summer she mentioned to me that she dreamt I was pregnant, and I said “we’re doing infertility treatments so I’ll take that as a good omen”! (obviously not a good enough omen!)

Like I wrote back then, I was really impressed with how thoughtful she was when she told me she was pregnant. She handled it as well as anyone could hope. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard for me – in fact, it was the hardest pregnancy announcement I’ve dealt with because I didn’t see it coming AT ALL. I cried a lot that night, but her sensitivity went a long way.

Since then, we’ve gotten very close. I mentioned in my last post that her future-sister-in-law has been trying for three years. Not surprisingly, Annie’s pregnancy has driven a huge wedge in their relationship. The SIL is in a tailspin and Annie, of course, has no idea how to deal with it.

It has been such an interesting experience. Annie tells me all the news about her SIL (she found out she has a blocked tube, he has low motility), tells me her latest actions (she won’t attend her mother’s birthday because Annie will be there) and asks for my advice on it all. It’s been fascinating getting the fertile perspective on all this. And it’s been nice to be able to advocate for this girl I don’t even know.

Of course we’ve both said things that have hurt each other’s feelings. I told Annie point blank that it’s devastating to her SIL that Annie gets to give the family the first grandchild. Annie cried when I told her that. She has said things in passing that she obviously doesn’t realize are insensitive. We have such a good friendship now that we can gently correct each other and point out the other person’s point of view.

I told Annie that we should be poster children for the infertile-fertile relationship. Since she told me she was pregnant, we have only gotten closer. Yesterday she found out her baby is a boy. She told me about the appointment a few days before and warned me that she’d probably bring in cake afterward for the girls in the office. Then last night she texted me to say that she hopes the celebration wasn’t too hard on me.

I can’t explain why it’s easier to be around her than my pregnant friend J. Annie is just so transparent and honest. There aren’t years of baggage because she’s a new friend. We are even planning a shopping trip together next weekend and I asked myself if I would be able to shop for baby stuff with her. I think I can. It won’t be completely painless but the acknowledgment of each other’s feelings is constant. There’s always a sense of checking in: “is it going to upset you if I talk about this?” which makes everything so much easier.

It doesn’t mean that it will always be easy to be around her – if my next IUI fails who knows how I’ll feel. But for now, I’m so appreciative to have this friendship in my life.

Grrrr and cycle update

I just found out another co-worker is pregnant. She doesn’t work on my team but she’s in my department. All in all not a devastating announcement, but annoying.

Now I know people due in August (my co-worker/friend Annie), September (my friend J), and October (this new announcement).

I swear to god I better get pregnant soon. I’m going to be seeing red this fall if I’m not.

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In that vein, IUI #2 starts next week whether my uterus likes it or not. If I haven’t started a period by March 22 (CD 35 - next Tuesday), we’ll start provera to induce and get the ball rolling. When I consulted A about the plan he merely groaned. That’s about as much enthusiasm as I can muster, too.

I guess I should be optimistic. They did clear out some endo last month so our chances have to be better than they were in January when we had IUI #1. But I’m a little peeved that the lovely 20 day ovulatory cycle I had after IUI #1 was seemingly a fluke. Today is CD 29 and no sign of aunt flo. Damn you, PCOS. I hate you.

That is all.

The internet is awesome

How have I never heard of this?

WombTube – YouTube videos devoted to TTC couples videoing their reactions to pregnancy tests.

I have yet to watch any (I’m at work) but I can’t believe that I’m just now hearing about this!

very long post about vacation (with photos - but not of me!)

Hello blog friends! What an interesting week you have all had. I was excited to get home and get caught up. I am still only about half caught up (some of you post a LOT) but I thought I'd blog about my vacation.

It was incredible. Seriously, the best week of my life. Every night on the boat we had the most delicious dinner (lasagna, chile rellenos, fancy pasta, etc etc, and the hubs had all sorts of meat to choose from). The deserts kicked ass. I ate my weight in pineapple.

We took a solid two-hour nap every afternoon. The drinks were awesome. We ended every night in an adults only whirlpool. It was an amazing time.

We left last Sunday and flew to Miami, had dinner at a fancy restaurant and spent the night. My best friend (of the past few years), "Gwen", and her husband, "B" went with us. Monday morning we woke up, ate our complimentary breakfast, hung out at the pool for a while, and then it was time to get on our ship.

The embarkation process went fairly quickly and after waiting a short time, we got into our stateroom. Whoops - it had two twin beds instead of the king we had requested! Don't worry, the dude came and combined the beds for us very quickly. We cruised through Carnival for our honeymoon, too, and this ship was bigger and nicer than that one, and our stateroom was bigger (we even had a couch!).

The first night we went to dinner, got to know the ship a tiny bit, and went to a welcome show. Our cruise director, Noonan, cracked me up and hassled these really drunk college kids in the audience. It was the first of many bouts of hysterical Lulu laughter.

Tuesday was a fun day at sea, which means we didn't get off the boat. When I woke up I went to breakfast with Gwen and B (A slept in) and we had this view while we ate:

Then I basically languished poolside all day. I read, drank a fruity frozen drink (they were incredible), and watched the events going on at the deck party. Tuesday was pretty slow-moving, which was good because the rest of the week was a whirlwind. I caught this photo of the sunset:

Wednesday morning we got off the boat at Grand Turk, an island in the nation of Turks and Caicos. We caught a catamaran and went snorkeling. A and I saw a sea turtle swimming around! It was gorgeous! I chose to be daring and jumped right off the side of the boat instead of using the steps...which I paid for slightly since I kind of hyperventilated when I hit the water. But a few minutes of deep breathing and I was okay.

We saw so many types of fish. I jumped off the boat right on top of a coral reef, which was beautiful, and the water was 18-25 feet deep there. But just about 10 feet away is a giant shelf and the depth dropped off to 70,000 feet instantly. After about 45 minutes of snorkeling we got back on the boat and that's where the insanity begins.

One of the catamaran crew members started calling himself "Dr. Feelgood" and serving us these really strong, complimentary rum punches. Now I don't usually drink rum, but what the hell, I was on vacation right?

I went from stone cold sober to shitfaced drunk in about 15 minutes, no exaggeration. I had never been "day drunk" before so I really lived it up. Dr. Feelgood was swimming from the boat to the beach they had dropped us off at with pitchers of rum punch. We sat on the edge of the water and drank and I got increasingly less coordinated until I was basically somersaulting every time the water washed ashore. Here is a photo of the place I got completely wasted:

Gwen and I were dancing our asses off on the boat when we got back on, and I actually fell on aforementioned ass, and have a giant black and blue bruise to prove it. When it was all over and we got off the boat, B (Gwen's hubby) and I were the drunkest, so Gwen and A deposited us on the beach and went to get some h20. I proceeded to prance around in the water, banging the hell out of my shins because there were some really serious rocks in there! The B buried me in sand.

I couldn't sober up! We got back on our cruise ship and ate lunch and I was still exceedingly drunk. I am a happy drunk, so everything was hysterical, and I kept yelling "I love vacation! This is the best day of my life!" Then we took a long nap and needless to say I was sober and not feeling so hot when we woke up. But it was all worth it.

Thursday was much tamer. We stopped at Half Moon Cay, took a tender in (the island isn't big enough to have a pier) and A and I went horseback riding. First we rode along the shore and then we actually rode into the water and the horses were swimming. It was about two parts exhilarating, one part terrifying. A's horse's name was George and he was the laziest damn horse we have ever seen. He just wouldn't keep up with the group no matter how much prodding A did. As we were leaving the horseback area, we saw George, who had collapsed in a heap.

HIlarious. Then A and I rented an inner tube and lazied around on the beach of Half Moon Cay for the rest of the afternoon. The water was startlingly clear and there were thousands of fish swimming around in schools even up in the shallow area. Every frat boy we passed said the same thing: Dude, hold my beer, I'm gonna catch one of these fish. Riiiight. We also saw this really long, blue fish with a pointy nose. It was the most exotic fish I've ever seen in nature.

Friday we got off at Nassau, the capital city of the Bahamas. It was a pretty low-key day. Gwen and I went to a beach resort which was, mercifully, quiet and not at all crowded. We hung out there for a few hours, had lunch and did some shopping, then got back on the boat. The guys did a walking tour of the city and learned about pirates.

Saturday we debarked and flew home. A and I somehow managed to attract unwanted attention from about every official person we walked past. He got questioned going through customs (what do you do for a living? Hmmmm you seem too young to be a college professor. Is everything you're bringing back into the country yours?) and I got the all points bulletin bag search at the airport, all because I forgot I had my Nalgene full of water in my backpack. They made me feel like a moron for bringing home hot sauce (for my dad) and a water bottle full of sand (to remember my drunken Turks and Caicos day by -- which has now been thoroughly tested for explosives). We waited a good 9 hours at the Ft. Lauderdale airport and then made it home around midnight. Our house was a balmy 47 degrees after leaving the heat off for a whole week.

All in all, vacation was fabulous, worth every penny. The food kicked ass, I got completely relaxed, am sporting an awesome tan, have great photos and memories, and I hardly thought about my infertility at all the whole week. I have tomorrow off to face mountains of laundry and try to convince myself that my house isn't actually swaying back and forth (this ship moved a LOT more than the one on our honeymoon, I guess because we were in the honest-to-God ocean and not the Gulf of Mexico).

So that was my vacation. If you read this far you're truly a gem.

Adios, bloggies!

That's right, tomorrow morning we are off to the great state of Florida and then to the Caribbean.

My dogs were delivered to my parents' tonight (*sniff sniff*) and vacation begins tomorrow.

Much love to you. I have Monday off next week so hopefully I can get caught up on all your news.

Here's to hoping you'll ALL be pregnant when I get back!

Pick yourself up and dust yourself off.

As you know, I was feeling down yesterday. I wouldn’t say depressed. Just emotional, sad, off-kilter.

I also spent a lot of time feeling guilty that I can’t be there for J during her pregnancy. Like maybe I should just suck it up and get over it.

Then I went to my book club meeting, where J told our group of friends that she was pregnant. Everything went well until she told a story about “how hormonal she is” and I wanted to say HA! Try taking fertility drugs! You’re hormonal and you don’t even get a BABY out of the deal! Then we moved on to other topics and a friend asked J if she was planning any vacations this year. She looked mournfully down at her plate and said “No. *sigh* I have to take off so much time this fall and it’s not like I’d even be able to drink.” And I hated her (just a little bit).

So, I think that I am actually doing the best thing for both of us by insisting on my space.

Then I went and taught yoga. My client (whom I love) told me of a student she has, 20 years old, who had a total hysterectomy this week. Medically necessary.

It seems that just when I’m thinking I have it bad, something comes along to remind me it could be much, much worse.

When I got home I found a card in the mail from my aunt. Just a “thinking of you” card, a “this must be hard” card, a “keep the faith” card. Very sweet. Made me cry. She couldn’t have had better timing. Not to mention that the support on my last post was so sincere.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. But I still lead a blessed life. And while I may have my down days, I’m generally happy and I’m young. I’ll be damned if infertility is going to trick me into wishing away some of the best years of my life.

So I am officially sucking it up. Moving on. J is pregnant. I will give her her space, decide whether or not to attend her baby shower(s) based on how I am doing at the time. I am not pregnant, and I’m not going to get there if I wallow in sorrow for myself.

Plus – I’m not pregnant so I can get SCHWASTED on my vacation next week. Every freaking day if I want.

Don’t accuse me of having my priorities backward.

PS – If you’re not on twitter, you totally should join. It’s lovely. I have made so many additional friends on there (@LulusLaments) and it really takes the blogging to another level!

Here's where it gets real

This probably isn’t a great time to write this post, based on how muddled my brain is and how humiliated I am that my boss caught me crying at my desk today. (And it’s not even the first time that’s happened. I just get more and more professional as this thing wears on)

I’m just…sad. The pregnancies keep getting closer and closer to my “circle” - the people who make up the intimate play that is my life. When it’s just facebook pregnancies or distant cousin pregnancies, it hurts, but it’s out of focus in a weird way. When it’s a co-worker or someone who was your best friend just one short year ago, it really blindsides you…even when you expected it.

I thought that as the pregnancies encroached on my circle and became more and more real, that I would be angry. God knows I have a right to be. And maybe a small part of me is angry, at the unfairness of it all, and everything we’ve already gone through that hasn’t worked and everything we have yet to go through with no guarantee of it working.

But mainly, I’m just sad. My friend is pregnant and I’m not. I don’t get to experience this with her. We officially Can Not Relate now. In September she will be holding a tiny baby, biological to both her and her husband. Who knows if I will even have managed to get myself knocked up by then? (God I hope so)

Also, I’m bewildered. My friend is PREGNANT. We got shitty drunk together in college. We got engaged at the same time. We planned our weddings together. We watched each other walk down the aisle. We worked at the same job for over a year. And now the similarities are all over. Because she will be a mom in September. It hasn’t really sunk in.

Not to mention, I’m living in this world with all of you, and I can’t comprehend that she conceived this baby normally. I kind of forgot that can happen. So what, one day you just have sex and you get pregnant? It doesn’t compute.

I asked all the right questions. Sympathized with her that she feels sick. Listened as she stressed about taking a maternity leave at work. Mused that the baby would be a great age by Christmas time. I did all the right things.

And then I went home and felt completely untethered. The cheap wine coolers I bought didn’t help (but thanks to those of you who thought I was sophisticated enough to buy wine). The chocolate didn’t help. I couldn’t focus on tv or my book. So finally I went to the gym and pushed my body to its breaking point, and it helped. I felt better.

But I tossed and turned all night, plagued by an intense feeling of sadness. My friend is pregnant. I am not. In August, my co-worker will have her baby and in September my friend will have her baby. And god help me if I watch those two precious little ones come into the world and my womb is still barren and empty.

I am ready for my turn.

It finally happened

My friend J is pregnant. As I have long suspected. 12 weeks, due 9/10/11.

I gave an Oscar-worthy performance and I'm very proud of how I reacted.

But I stopped at the liquor store on the way home and now the real reaction begins.