As you know, I was feeling down yesterday. I wouldn’t say depressed. Just emotional, sad, off-kilter.
I also spent a lot of time feeling guilty that I can’t be there for J during her pregnancy. Like maybe I should just suck it up and get over it.
Then I went to my book club meeting, where J told our group of friends that she was pregnant. Everything went well until she told a story about “how hormonal she is” and I wanted to say HA! Try taking fertility drugs! You’re hormonal and you don’t even get a BABY out of the deal! Then we moved on to other topics and a friend asked J if she was planning any vacations this year. She looked mournfully down at her plate and said “No. *sigh* I have to take off so much time this fall and it’s not like I’d even be able to drink.” And I hated her (just a little bit).
So, I think that I am actually doing the best thing for both of us by insisting on my space.
Then I went and taught yoga. My client (whom I love) told me of a student she has, 20 years old, who had a total hysterectomy this week. Medically necessary.
It seems that just when I’m thinking I have it bad, something comes along to remind me it could be much, much worse.
When I got home I found a card in the mail from my aunt. Just a “thinking of you” card, a “this must be hard” card, a “keep the faith” card. Very sweet. Made me cry. She couldn’t have had better timing. Not to mention that the support on my last post was so sincere.
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. But I still lead a blessed life. And while I may have my down days, I’m generally happy and I’m young. I’ll be damned if infertility is going to trick me into wishing away some of the best years of my life.
So I am officially sucking it up. Moving on. J is pregnant. I will give her her space, decide whether or not to attend her baby shower(s) based on how I am doing at the time. I am not pregnant, and I’m not going to get there if I wallow in sorrow for myself.
Plus – I’m not pregnant so I can get SCHWASTED on my vacation next week. Every freaking day if I want.
Don’t accuse me of having my priorities backward.
PS – If you’re not on twitter, you totally should join. It’s lovely. I have made so many additional friends on there (@LulusLaments) and it really takes the blogging to another level!