This probably isn’t a great time to write this post, based on how muddled my brain is and how humiliated I am that my boss caught me crying at my desk today. (And it’s not even the first time that’s happened. I just get more and more professional as this thing wears on)
I’m just…sad. The pregnancies keep getting closer and closer to my “circle” - the people who make up the intimate play that is my life. When it’s just facebook pregnancies or distant cousin pregnancies, it hurts, but it’s out of focus in a weird way. When it’s a co-worker or someone who was your best friend just one short year ago, it really blindsides you…even when you expected it.
I thought that as the pregnancies encroached on my circle and became more and more real, that I would be angry. God knows I have a right to be. And maybe a small part of me is angry, at the unfairness of it all, and everything we’ve already gone through that hasn’t worked and everything we have yet to go through with no guarantee of it working.
But mainly, I’m just sad. My friend is pregnant and I’m not. I don’t get to experience this with her. We officially Can Not Relate now. In September she will be holding a tiny baby, biological to both her and her husband. Who knows if I will even have managed to get myself knocked up by then? (God I hope so)
Also, I’m bewildered. My friend is PREGNANT. We got shitty drunk together in college. We got engaged at the same time. We planned our weddings together. We watched each other walk down the aisle. We worked at the same job for over a year. And now the similarities are all over. Because she will be a mom in September. It hasn’t really sunk in.
Not to mention, I’m living in this world with all of you, and I can’t comprehend that she conceived this baby normally. I kind of forgot that can happen. So what, one day you just have sex and you get pregnant? It doesn’t compute.
I asked all the right questions. Sympathized with her that she feels sick. Listened as she stressed about taking a maternity leave at work. Mused that the baby would be a great age by Christmas time. I did all the right things.
And then I went home and felt completely untethered. The cheap wine coolers I bought didn’t help (but thanks to those of you who thought I was sophisticated enough to buy wine). The chocolate didn’t help. I couldn’t focus on tv or my book. So finally I went to the gym and pushed my body to its breaking point, and it helped. I felt better.
But I tossed and turned all night, plagued by an intense feeling of sadness. My friend is pregnant. I am not. In August, my co-worker will have her baby and in September my friend will have her baby. And god help me if I watch those two precious little ones come into the world and my womb is still barren and empty.
I am ready for my turn.