Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Here's where it gets real

This probably isn’t a great time to write this post, based on how muddled my brain is and how humiliated I am that my boss caught me crying at my desk today. (And it’s not even the first time that’s happened. I just get more and more professional as this thing wears on)

I’m just…sad. The pregnancies keep getting closer and closer to my “circle” - the people who make up the intimate play that is my life. When it’s just facebook pregnancies or distant cousin pregnancies, it hurts, but it’s out of focus in a weird way. When it’s a co-worker or someone who was your best friend just one short year ago, it really blindsides you…even when you expected it.

I thought that as the pregnancies encroached on my circle and became more and more real, that I would be angry. God knows I have a right to be. And maybe a small part of me is angry, at the unfairness of it all, and everything we’ve already gone through that hasn’t worked and everything we have yet to go through with no guarantee of it working.

But mainly, I’m just sad. My friend is pregnant and I’m not. I don’t get to experience this with her. We officially Can Not Relate now. In September she will be holding a tiny baby, biological to both her and her husband. Who knows if I will even have managed to get myself knocked up by then? (God I hope so)

Also, I’m bewildered. My friend is PREGNANT. We got shitty drunk together in college. We got engaged at the same time. We planned our weddings together. We watched each other walk down the aisle. We worked at the same job for over a year. And now the similarities are all over. Because she will be a mom in September. It hasn’t really sunk in.

Not to mention, I’m living in this world with all of you, and I can’t comprehend that she conceived this baby normally. I kind of forgot that can happen. So what, one day you just have sex and you get pregnant? It doesn’t compute.

I asked all the right questions. Sympathized with her that she feels sick. Listened as she stressed about taking a maternity leave at work. Mused that the baby would be a great age by Christmas time. I did all the right things.

And then I went home and felt completely untethered. The cheap wine coolers I bought didn’t help (but thanks to those of you who thought I was sophisticated enough to buy wine). The chocolate didn’t help. I couldn’t focus on tv or my book. So finally I went to the gym and pushed my body to its breaking point, and it helped. I felt better.

But I tossed and turned all night, plagued by an intense feeling of sadness. My friend is pregnant. I am not. In August, my co-worker will have her baby and in September my friend will have her baby. And god help me if I watch those two precious little ones come into the world and my womb is still barren and empty.

I am ready for my turn.

13 comments:

Jem said...

Oh, sweetie, I wish wine, chocolate and gym were the cures for IF. We'd all have 10 kids by now!

I also wish I could say something that would heal your heart.

Just know I'm thinking of you.

Kerrik said...

Hun, I'm so sorry you are feeling so sad right now. I had a long talk just this morning about the exact same thing, and the painful thoughts that creep in with those terrible words, "barren" or "infertile".

I all seems so unfair, and I wish there was something I could do to take the pain away.

I have to believe that we will both be pregnant soon, even if it isn't from the "natural" way.

Drevas said...

So sorry my friend... I know how much it sucks to deal with that kind of news with everything you are going through. Hang in there... I so wish we could hang out in real life. I would have loved to have some cheap wine coolers with you.

Marissa said...

I give you permission to tell your friend the following:

"I love you and will always love you, and I will love your baby too. But you have what I so desperately long for, and I simply cannot listen to you complain about it. I know pregnancy is not an easy ride, but I don't even have a ticket and I don't know if or when I ever will. So do not talk to me about it unless I ask. It just has to be this way."

*hugs*

mystrandofpearls said...

My bff is having her child in May - and I still can't comprehend what that means, either. Other than my "person" is now in a club that I can't join yet. Some days suck more than others. But I know we won't be as close. At least not for a bit.

I keep reminding myself that this way she can go through it all first and I can learn from her mistakes. Plus maybe I can get hand-me-downs. Is it as good as it could be? Um, no. But is it a slight silver lining? YES.

Denver Laura said...

Ironically as I was having cramps this morning, I was thinking exactly the same thought as you. The bio-mom we have been working with got pregnant on purpose to mess the whole timeline thing up. I was thinking, I've been doing this for 4 years and she can get pregnant on cue?

I can't imagine the utter randomness that seems to take place. If there is a bigger plan, I wish just a sliver would be shown to me so I can get over hating pregnant women.

Lulu said...

You guys are the best. Seriously.

endoandbeyond said...

I'm so sorry, it's such a hard a difficult thing. I wish I could help.

The same thing happened to me. She was 5 weeks pregnant and told me and then 4 weeks later I told her I was pregnant. Then I had the miscarriage and now get to watch her go through her pregnancy and she's due in April. I feel bad being sad though as she's had such a difficult time getting pregnant as well.

life's a b!tch.

eggsandsperm.com said...

Sometimes it feels like this can't be your life. Like you woke up in some other universe where everything went wrong. Some days, I just ask myself, "how did this all go so wrong?"

I'm so sorry hun. I understand exactly how you feel.

DtheRN said...

Damn fertiles! (Only I hope you'll be there someday soon!) I am praying for peace for you. I know we all know that pain. It never seems to get easier. I hope you know you've got a whole cyber family of girls that would love to have a good cry with you. My hubby keeps reminding me that if karma works we are going to have one AMAZING child (like the first female president...) You are going to have the most loved, amazing child! I'm sorry you have to have so many painful moments in the wait.

Still A Guest Room said...

I am so sorry...I know this must be so hard, and it often feels like pregnancy is everywhere. Hoping your turn is really, really soon.

T said...

I can so relate to you! I seriously feel like if one more person announces their pregnancy I will go postal or have nervous breakdown, wait I think I am already breaking down.
It doesn't make any sense why it come so easy for some. How in earth do people get pregnant on accident? What do we do about the baby showers? Family gatherings? I have gotten out of a few but I know my excuses are running out. Maybe its time to share with them the struggle so they know but you know, they can't understand.
Hang in there!
Have faith, you know you want it bad enough but we just don't know when it will happen.
Hugs!

bakeryclosed said...

Here via Yolk's post today.

I actually lost a friend because she got pregnant at the exact wrong moment, in the exact wrong situation, and there was nothing we could say to each other without being unintentionally hurtful.

My heart drops every time I hear about another pregnancy - even if it's someone I don't know - because it means that SOMEONE is pregnant and I'm not.

I'm so, so sorry this is happening and that you feel this way :(