Now.

I am having a hard time today. After the news yesterday (basically that the doctor’s office is considering these three cycles a “trial an error” time for my clomid dosage, while Andy and I were considering them PLEASE LET’S TRY TO GET PREGNANT THE NORMAL WAY [yes, in all caps like that]) I just feel bad. I don’t like the feeling that a nurse/doctor combo is in charge of directing my (unproductive) childbearing attempts, especially when I don’t trust the nurse/doctor combo (and it's Nurse Useless in charge of the show).

I feel completely out of the loop – like this is between my doctor and my ovaries and I don’t get a vote or get to be clued in. No one at that office cares about my feelings, or the fact that I find it impossible now to lead a normal life and think of normal things without the neverending blaring of the infertility album (featuring the tracks “it’s never going to happen” “you’re not like other people” and “you’ve only just begun this horrible journey”) playing in my head. The hard truth is that my doctor is in the business of helping pregnant women have babies, not helping infertile women get pregnant with them.

And the more discouraged I get the more the world seems to be divided into “us” and them. “Us” being me and the other infertiles whose blogs I read, and “them” meaning everyone else around me who has babies with ease and without 100 frustrating phone conversations with Nurse Useless before the conception part even happens. The truth is I’ve barely started treatment and I’ve already spent longer trying to get pregnant than I will spend being pregnant. And who knows how long the road is ahead of me.

I know there are bright sides. I know there’s still a chance this cycle will work. And even if it doesn’t, I know there’s a chance future cycles will, or that IUI will. And even if we do have to do IVF, I feel incredibly fortunate to live in Illinois where it’s a mandated coverage and instead of paying $10,000 for a cycle I will only have to pay $1,000. I know that being negative isn’t going to help my chances any, and that worrying is a pointless use of energy. But damnit, I’m tired of everyone else making all the decisions and I want to be pregnant now. Is that too much to ask?