Tiny baby, scared mommy

1. After reading your responses to my kick count post, I called last week to ask if I actually had to do them. Can’t I just pay attention to the baby’s movements throughout the day, and notice if he’s less active than normal? They said that was fine. I threw away the chart.
2. The anxiety did not go away. The past few nights I have lost sleep, convinced something was wrong with the baby. I told myself I was just crazy, but this morning I finally gave in and called. The nurse said that a bad gut feeling on mom’s part was enough reason to see me.
3. I requested a vaginal exam because I thought I was getting a yeast infection (I was correct). While she was examining me, she noticed my vaginal septum (remember the weird vagina?). She said “We’ll have to watch this during delivery – it will probably tear.” Ouch!
4. Then she measured me and said I had grown a bit in the past week, but not as much as she would have liked. She meant to say we better go ahead and schedule an ultrasound to check the baby’s growth, but she slipped up and said “Let’s go ahead and schedule you a c-section”, and I almost pissed my pants right there. That’s a big mistake to make! ULTRASOUND, you mean, doctor!
5. I asked what some reasons were that a baby would measure small. She basically dodged the question, saying there’s “small” and “alarmingly small” and they just need to find out which one the baby is. She also said sometimes IVF babies are just little.
6. So, I go tomorrow at 2:15 to see just how small this little man is. I also go back on Friday for my last cervical length check and to see the doctor again (she must miss me if we go more than a few days without seeing each other).
7. Please keep me in your thoughts. I am nervous about tomorrow.

2011 in review

I don’t actually expect anyone to read this, it’s really for my own purposes.

I had already met my deductible by January 3 thanks to monitoring appointments for our first IUI! I was inseminated on Friday, January 7. It didn’t work. I had a pelvic exam to examine the weird vagina, AKA vaginal septum. It was at this appointment that my OB and I discussed that my bicornuate uterus could also be a septate uterus and that only a laparoscopy could tell. So after a great deal of tears, I scheduled the lap.

In February we had a giant blizzard that shut down the entire county for two days. I spent it curled up at home eating Crunch Berries and reading the Hunger Games. I had my laparoscopy, which revealed that my uterus is perfectly shaped and the HSG was just plain wrong (WTF?) and that I had mild endometriosis, even thought I had no symptoms (surprise!) and that I had ovulated on my own for the first time since TTC (hooray!).

In March my friend told me she was pregnant, putting a big strain on our already burdened friendship. We took a vacation and a quick break from trying. We went on a cruise to Turks and Caicos, Half Moon Cay, and Nassau. We went snorkeling in Turks and Caicos and horseback riding in the Bahamas. I drank a lot. It was a great time. To the surprise of my family, taking a vacation was not the magic cure they had hoped it would be. Still not pregnant!

On April Fools Day, we were inseminated yet again. This negative cycle tore me apart. Also in April, my already strained friendship with one of my closest friends completely fell apart. I spent the whole month in despair as we waited to see the RE. I went on Welbutrin.

I spent most of May partying and enjoying our break. On May 23 we made our first of many trips to the RE. Waiting to go into that appointment was the oddest type of anticipation for me. We liked him immediately and he gave us a choice between IUI w/injectables and IVF. It was a big decision to make, and I was so preoccupied the next day that I went to work with two different shoes on. Also in May, people actually started coming to my support group!

In June I got promoted at work and we quietly got the ball rolling for IVF #1. We got our infectious disease tests and I took BCP. On Tuesday, June 28 we did our very first at-home injection (Lupron).

We took one day in July to go to Six Flags and ride roller coasters/water rides and revel in not being pregnant. I spent my 25^th birthday at the RE and cried all the way home. I packed up my Lupron, Bravelle, and Menopur to begin stims for IVF #1 while visiting friends in Des Moines. We retrieved 8 eggs. 5 did not fertilize, and of the three that were ICSI-d, only one fertilized normally. I spend 24 hours crying (no exaggeration) over the fert report, because my eggs had failed me. We transferred a 6 cell embryo on day 3. My friend had a baby and I went to the hospital to meet him during my 2ww.

On August 2, our third anniversary, we found out IVF #1 failed. It was a dismal anniversary. Never in a million years did I dream we’d be married three years and have no child. On the same day that I took a big exam at work, we had our follow up phone call with the RE and he cleared us to go straight into another cycle, with no break.

On September 1, I again packed up all my injections and this time, flew with them for my second ever trip to California! I spent 5 days sightseeing with a dear friend and basically ignored the fact that I had a retrieval coming up. It was a great trip, the highlight of which was seeing Muir Woods. This time, I paid dearly for my 17 eggs with painful OHSS combined with a nasty reaction to the anesthesia. I cried myself to sleep in the ER, a nurse holding one hand and my husband holding the other, saying “I just want to be a mom”. We transferred a blast and an early blast on day 5 and froze a hatching blast. On Saturday, 9/24, I got my first ever positive pregnancy test.

October was the month of the ultrasounds, at 6 and 8 weeks. The days leading up to them were always frantic for me. After the 8 week ultrasound we told my grandparents we were pregnant. It was a much anticipated and emotional day. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that day as long as I live.

In November I saw the Indigo Girls in concert for the third time. I hit the 12 week mark. I went to a baby shower and it didn’t feel like my heart was getting pulled out of my chest and stomped on.

In December I celebrated a happy Christmas with joy and gratitude in my heart. Our quad screening came back negative and we found out we are having a boy!

All in all, 2011 kicked the pants off of 2010. I would say the worst two days were

1) when I got the fert report for IVF #1

2) retrieval day for IVF #2.

The best two days were

1) the 12 week ultrasound, because the baby was so baby-like and moving around so much, it truly made me feel pregnant

2) when we found out it was a boy.

Also 3) the day we went snorkeling and got day drunk on the beach in Turks and Caicos – that was a marvelous day, too : )

The weird vagina appt

(first of all, the weird vagina is fine. just a small, out-of-the-way septum. boy am I tired of hearing that "s" word.)
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I've been saying for a week that there was a meltdown coming around the bend. I wish I had been wrong.

It started in the waiting room. Since I still see an OBGYN, the waiting room was full of big, beautiful, pregnant bellies. The tears started then.

The nurse who checked me in saw I was distraught. She confided that it took her five years to get pregnant the first time. That's when the crying really started. I don't know what part of that she thought would comfort me. Four more years of this? I'll be catatonic.

I nervously brought up the septate vs. bicornuate uterus thing with Dr. Lovely. She told me that I was right, an HSG doesn't diagnose between the two. The diagnosis can only be made surgically, and they don't usually do surgery until "you start having problems".

This is really hard for me to stomach. If I have a septate uterus, the septum can be removed and everything will be fine. We all know that "having problems" is a code word for "miscarrying". I'm really not comfortable waiting for a poor baby to die needlessly to decide that we need to have surgery to find out what sort of fucked up my uterus is. I talked it over with A (through many tears) and he feels the same. We'd rather I go under the knife now.

A lady in my yoga class has a daughter with a septate uterus. Poor girl had three miscarriages, all in the fourth month, before she found out she had a septum. No thank you.

Think about it: say I get pregnant next month. Knowing what I know (that my uterus could be bicornuate or it could be septate) I'll be terrified for months. If I have surgery now, I'll know for sure, and if there's a septum, it can be removed. And if there's not a septum, I can't really look at it as pointless surgery. Because I'll know.

The other bit of information I learned is that I will be referred to an RE after my next IUI. In fact, they're referring me now since it takes months to get in.

It's expected that I'll get my RE consult in May. So I have February, March, and April and only one more treatment cycle with Dr. Lovely. Our plan now is to ask for laproscopic surgery as soon as possible, take Feb and March off, have our final IUI in April and hopefully never have to see the RE (he's three hours away, but has an excellent reputation).

I'm literally going to have to call the doctor's office and fight for my right to have my abdomen cut open, perhaps unnecessarily. My husband and I both feel that this is the correct decision to make. Have we both gone off the deep end?

I want my life back

Today I feel exhausted.

I feel sore all over and headachy. Three workouts in 2 days will do that to an out-of-shape-girl like me.

Overall, I just feel weighed down by my stress: stress over a February cycle, stress about the upcoming conversation with Dr. Lovely about my uterus, stress about my weird vagina. Stress about money. Just stress. Too much.

Today I took a wellness inventory for a program at work. One question asked “How do you feel about the next six months?” I picked this one: “I’m very stressed about the next six months. It’s going to be very difficult and I’m not sure how I will cope.” It was the most apt description. I can’t think of any other time in my life that those sentences would apply to me.

When did I become this person? I want my life back.

Weekend in review

Overall, this has been a really lovely weekend. Thank you all for your advice on my last post. Today we booked our excursions: snorkeling (all four of us), horseback riding (me and A, while the other couple does a bike ride), and a resort beach day (for me and my BFF)/history tour focused on pirates (for the guys). Eeeee! I can't tell you how excited I am for this cruise.

This weekend I joined a gym. I am thrilled. I haven't been a gym member since the end of '09, and it feels good. I used the elliptical yesterday and went to a Zumba class today. My BFF and her hubby (the ones we're traveling with) also belong so we went with them today. My goal is to go three times a week, but the absolute minimum is twice. I have no weight loss goals, I just want to feel better about myself.

This weekend I also had a mini panic attack about money. None of you know me in real life so I can admit all my sins here. A and I have about $5500 in credit card debt right now. This is too much for me. I am losing sleep over this amount. A large portion of that is this vacation, which we had planned to pay off with our tax return. However, it seems that we may not get a return this year, and in fact we may even owe. So you can see how upsetting that is. Another large portion is car repairs. We never have enough in savings to pay for major car repairs without wiping ourselves out, so we charge them. And we have bad luck with our cars.

To make matters worse, in January of 2009 we had $0 on credit cards, so all of this debt has been incurred in 2 years. It's seriously enough to make me hyperventilate.

So this morning I was losing sleep over it all so I got up and made a plan. This debt is spread out over three cards. I have a separate card I don't use that has an awesome balance transfer offer right now. So this week I'm going to transfer everything over and I'll have 0% interest till the end of the year. Then I'm going to get serious about putting money toward this debt!

I still have not cried about my BFN. Everything is stewing inside and will probably explode at the least convenient moment.

Coming up this week is my appt with Dr. Lovely to check out my weird vagina (that one's for you, Roccie). Thanks to the multiple suggestions I received here, I'll be inquiring about a bicornuate uterus vs. a septate uterus. This is another thing I'm losing sleep over.

I'm also waiting for my period to start. As soon as it does, I plan to give my drs office a phone call along the lines of "unless you are going to forbid me to travel if I get pregnant in February, I want another IUI." Heck yes!

Hope you all had a great weekend.

Another BFN and a messed-up vag

First of all, I got another BFN this morning at 12 dpiui. I will probably skip testing tomorrow and test again on Friday (14dpiui) and then officially call it. But I definitely don’t expect anything out of this cycle except my period.

Now for the seriously TMI part; if you’re squeamish about the “female parts” just don’t read any further.

When I had my IUI done, the nurse noticed an extra piece of vaginal tissue. To put it bluntly, I have this kind of loop of skin down there which causes no problems unless, occasionally, a tampon gets stuck and then it’s very painful trying to remove it. This is something I have always known I have, but as no one ever mentioned it in all the times multiple different doctors have seen my hoo-ha, I thought it was normal.

Apparently the nurses go over all the IUIs with Dr. Lovely, and they mentioned this to her. Since I’ve never actually had a pelvic exam done with her, she wants me to come in for one next week. The nurse said something vaguely implying that this might cause me more problems with pregnancy.

I’m assuming she meant it would cause problems with a vaginal delivery. Which, honestly, I have kind of given up hope on considering the whole deformed uterus thing I’ve got going on. I’m hoping she doesn’t mean it could actually cause more problems getting pregnant.

Does anyone know anything about this? I consulted Dr. Google and didn’t find anything useful. Feel free to say “No, you’re just a freak with messed-up ovaries, a deformed uterus, and a funky vag.” My feelings won’t be hurt because, hey, it’s true!