I want my life back

Today I feel exhausted.

I feel sore all over and headachy. Three workouts in 2 days will do that to an out-of-shape-girl like me.

Overall, I just feel weighed down by my stress: stress over a February cycle, stress about the upcoming conversation with Dr. Lovely about my uterus, stress about my weird vagina. Stress about money. Just stress. Too much.

Today I took a wellness inventory for a program at work. One question asked “How do you feel about the next six months?” I picked this one: “I’m very stressed about the next six months. It’s going to be very difficult and I’m not sure how I will cope.” It was the most apt description. I can’t think of any other time in my life that those sentences would apply to me.

When did I become this person? I want my life back.

Weekend in review

Overall, this has been a really lovely weekend. Thank you all for your advice on my last post. Today we booked our excursions: snorkeling (all four of us), horseback riding (me and A, while the other couple does a bike ride), and a resort beach day (for me and my BFF)/history tour focused on pirates (for the guys). Eeeee! I can't tell you how excited I am for this cruise.

This weekend I joined a gym. I am thrilled. I haven't been a gym member since the end of '09, and it feels good. I used the elliptical yesterday and went to a Zumba class today. My BFF and her hubby (the ones we're traveling with) also belong so we went with them today. My goal is to go three times a week, but the absolute minimum is twice. I have no weight loss goals, I just want to feel better about myself.

This weekend I also had a mini panic attack about money. None of you know me in real life so I can admit all my sins here. A and I have about $5500 in credit card debt right now. This is too much for me. I am losing sleep over this amount. A large portion of that is this vacation, which we had planned to pay off with our tax return. However, it seems that we may not get a return this year, and in fact we may even owe. So you can see how upsetting that is. Another large portion is car repairs. We never have enough in savings to pay for major car repairs without wiping ourselves out, so we charge them. And we have bad luck with our cars.

To make matters worse, in January of 2009 we had $0 on credit cards, so all of this debt has been incurred in 2 years. It's seriously enough to make me hyperventilate.

So this morning I was losing sleep over it all so I got up and made a plan. This debt is spread out over three cards. I have a separate card I don't use that has an awesome balance transfer offer right now. So this week I'm going to transfer everything over and I'll have 0% interest till the end of the year. Then I'm going to get serious about putting money toward this debt!

I still have not cried about my BFN. Everything is stewing inside and will probably explode at the least convenient moment.

Coming up this week is my appt with Dr. Lovely to check out my weird vagina (that one's for you, Roccie). Thanks to the multiple suggestions I received here, I'll be inquiring about a bicornuate uterus vs. a septate uterus. This is another thing I'm losing sleep over.

I'm also waiting for my period to start. As soon as it does, I plan to give my drs office a phone call along the lines of "unless you are going to forbid me to travel if I get pregnant in February, I want another IUI." Heck yes!

Hope you all had a great weekend.

14 dpiui BFN and frustrated about the future

I called the Drs office today to talk to a nurse about my next cycle. I’m stressed. I want to book my cruise excursions this weekend, as the couple we’re traveling with are waiting on us and I feel bad about that. Plus, I just want things settled. It will help me move on from this cycle if I book them, because that has been the plan all along.

Of course the nurse (my least favorite one) refuses to admit that this cycle is a BFN. She says “those urine tests aren’t always accurate” (right, but BFN at 14 days is pretty clear) and “it’s not over till you start your period” (except I’m taking progesterone. *cough* dummy! *cough*). Whatever. So my question was, if we proceed with a February cycle, we’ll learn the result 7-10 days before we leave for our cruise. Is it okay to do horseback riding/snorkeling if you’re like three weeks pregnant?

Her advice was to take February off. That’s not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear that it was okay to proceed with February and for that early of a pregnancy it wouldn’t matter if the tiny baby got jostled during horseback riding. The cruise is in March so we’ll likely have to take March off. Taking February off, too, is too much time off.

I guess these are my options:

1) book my non-pregnant excursions now, take February and March off

2) book my pregnancy-friendly excursions, do a treatment in February, take March off (really don’t want to do this one because think of how upset I’ll be if February fails and I watch my friends do all the fun stuff I didn’t sign up for because I thought I’d be pregnant and I’m not)

3) call back once I start my period and bully the doctor’s office into letting me do a February cycle. Book the excursions later. Run the risk of the ones I want filling up. Completely annoy and inconvenience our traveling buddies

Sigh. I don’t like any of these options. I’m also annoyed at the nurse because she perpetuated that stupid myth that we’re going to get pregnant on vacation. Whatever. It’s bad enough hearing that from other people, let alone a medical professional. Maybe I’ll be surprised, but I have no facts to indicate I’ll ovulate without clomid, so I really highly doubt I’ll get pregnant on my own.

I REALLY want to go on this cruise but I REALLY want to keep going with treatment cycles. Why can’t I do both? Ugh, I am so frustrated.

Another BFN and a messed-up vag

First of all, I got another BFN this morning at 12 dpiui. I will probably skip testing tomorrow and test again on Friday (14dpiui) and then officially call it. But I definitely don’t expect anything out of this cycle except my period.

Now for the seriously TMI part; if you’re squeamish about the “female parts” just don’t read any further.

When I had my IUI done, the nurse noticed an extra piece of vaginal tissue. To put it bluntly, I have this kind of loop of skin down there which causes no problems unless, occasionally, a tampon gets stuck and then it’s very painful trying to remove it. This is something I have always known I have, but as no one ever mentioned it in all the times multiple different doctors have seen my hoo-ha, I thought it was normal.

Apparently the nurses go over all the IUIs with Dr. Lovely, and they mentioned this to her. Since I’ve never actually had a pelvic exam done with her, she wants me to come in for one next week. The nurse said something vaguely implying that this might cause me more problems with pregnancy.

I’m assuming she meant it would cause problems with a vaginal delivery. Which, honestly, I have kind of given up hope on considering the whole deformed uterus thing I’ve got going on. I’m hoping she doesn’t mean it could actually cause more problems getting pregnant.

Does anyone know anything about this? I consulted Dr. Google and didn’t find anything useful. Feel free to say “No, you’re just a freak with messed-up ovaries, a deformed uterus, and a funky vag.” My feelings won’t be hurt because, hey, it’s true!

11dpiui: BFN

Last night I had a dream that I took three separate pregnancy tests, and they were all positive. It was a very real dream. I woke up and felt like it was a sign.

It wasn't. The test was stark white. Not even a hint of a second line.

I know there is still a small glimmer of hope that it's too early. That's why I'm still taking the progesterone and I won't drink for a few more days. But emotionally, this cycle has already failed for me.

Although we have been TTC for 13 months now, this was only my second treatment cycle that gave me a real shot at getting pregnant. I guess it was foolish to think it would work on the second try. 

I don't know how you ladies endure the two week wait over and over again just to see those negative tests. The thought of doing this again is exhausting.

The February cycle is up in the air for now. If my period arrives when I'm expecting it, we will learn the outcome of a February cycle about a week before we leave on vacation, and we will have already booked all of our "NO PREGNANT WOMEN ALLOWED" excursions, so it's not very good timing. And there's also the matter of this cyst on my right ovary that has been bothering me. Maybe I'll be benched. 

There have been no tears yet. I know that there is an emotional breakdown coming soon. Stay tuned.

Lessons learned, Clomid #2

Well I decided to make a list of things I’ve learned from this cycle, instead of just being bummed (for the second time) that it didn’t result in a pregnancy.

1. It makes a huge difference when you switch to a competent doctor’s office.
2. My period CAN choose to arrive without Provera. This was the first cycle all year, and hopefully next cycle will be the second.
3. I really don’t have many side effects from the clomid, except acne, which I have anyway. Sure, I’m kind of a bitch when I’m on it, but let’s be honest, I’m kind of a bitch all the time. I don’t have the maddening mood swings many women report – at least not on 50 or 100 mg.
4. Same with the progesterone. At least on the dosage I’m on, all I experienced was a handful of cystic bumps on my face. Occasionally I felt flushed, but it wasn’t major. No breast changes, and I kept up with my benefiber so I didn’t even get very constipated.
5. While I’m on a roll, I also had no side effects from the trigger shot. Apparently I am immune to hormones.
6. I don’t handle ambiguity well.
7. It is best to insert the progesterone seated, on the edge of the toilet. Twice I had to fish the damn thing out of the bowl and wash it off. Yuck.
8. Cramps. Do. Not. Mean. Anything.
9. When your husband worries aloud about the results of his upcoming sperm analysis, don’t just boldly proclaim “Well if anything’s wrong, we’ll just get a sperm donor.” With these types of decisions you’re supposed consider his input instead of just deciding on your own.
10. The only words to describe the two week wait are “Total Mindfuck”.
11. Depending on your emotional fragility, hormone fluctuation, and what’s going on that day, some things hurt a lot worse than a BFN. The day I fought with the pharmacy guy, then ended up with the wrong dose of clomid, got home and realized my dog had eaten my favorite shoe…that day was worse than both BFNs this cycle. Ditto to the day of the work-related pregnancy announcement. I was way more vulnerable and emotional mid-cycle than when the BFNs came around.
12. People do not understand.
13. My body responded to 100 mg of clomid.
14. Do not listen to your doctor’s office when they ask you not to test at home. If I had just tested yesterday morning, I wouldn’t have had to wait all morning, a bundle of exhausted nerves, feeling so anxious I thought I might get sick, only to hear my second BFN. This time around I will be purchasing bulk tests off the internet and testing to my hearts desire.

What have you learned this cycle?

Clomid #2 = BFN

I tested last night, at the end of 12dpo. After the day I had yesterday (going to the bathroom every 30 minutes to see if I had started, feeling exhausted and nauseous and headachy, freaking out endlessly about what it all meant), I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I waited until this morning.

It was a crystal clear negative.

So now I’m in plimbo, just waiting for my period to start. I am still taking the progesterone but I guess I should stop. Will it keep my period away even longer? But on the slimmest, tiniest offchance that the test was wrong, (foolish I know) I don’t want to regret stopping the progesterone. I don’t know what to do about that one and I can’t call my doctor to ask because I wasn’t supposed to test.

Hopefully I will start today because I am going to a party tonight and I’d very much like to have a drink.

I went to bed with a very heavy heart last night but the tears didn’t come, and that’s okay. I have decided to turn all of my focus to the upcoming holidays while I proceed with the next cycle. It is taking a lot of energy not to look at Christmas as a sick milestone – one year since we started, and in May my old OBGYN told me I’d be pregnant by Christmas. But I am absolutely enamored with Christmas so I refuse to let this garbage ruin it.

I have come up with an idea for future 2wws, by accident, and I thought I’d share. Remember how on Monday I said I was going shopping over my lunch hour? Well I went to Target and tried on about 15 tops (which is impressive since I get 30 minutes for lunch) but I didn’t like any of them. Then I went to Ann Taylor LOFT on Tuesday and Kohl’s on Wednesday. I didn’t have a lot of luck but I did find one sweater at Kohl’s I really liked. I didn’t buy it because it’s $30 and I’m generally a huge cheapskate. This morning I decided to go back and buy the sweater tomorrow as a BFN consolation prize.  

So I think that’s my plan for the next 2ww. I’ll spend the 2ww shopping until I find something I want – a necklace, a pair of shoes, a top, whatever. Then I won’t let myself buy it unless I get a BFN. I really like buying new things but I rarely let myself do it, so I’m hoping this will ease the pain of any future BFNs.

Here’s to a period filled weekend, hopefully. Oh, and Harry Potter : )