CD 1

Well hello there Aunt Flo. Thanks for showing up, and thanks for the completely unnecessary 18 day luteal phase. You always were a trickster.

After talking it over with A, I called Dr. Lovely’s this morning to request a third clomid/IUI cycle. The office had made it very clear that IUI #2 was my last cycle there before we go to the RE, because Dr. Lovely doesn’t want me on clomid any longer than necessary.

But A and I looked at the calendar, wondered what we were going to do with 5 weeks, and I fell back on one of my major rules of adulthood: “Just ask, the worst they can say is no.” And they said yes. I go in for baseline monitoring on Thursday.

I have two main feelings about IUI #3:

1. I’m scared. IUI #2 totally effed me up. It hurt a lot more when it failed than I thought it would and threw me for a loop more than I ever expected. I’m scared of getting the crazy clomid bitchiness. I’m scared of the hope and expectation. I’m scared of another 2ww. I’m scared that I’ll be extremely depressed again next month.

2. I think this will help ease us into seeing an RE. I’ve always read that if it’s going to work, it’ll work within three cycles. I was a little apprehensive going to the RE after only 2 IUIs; if he had wanted to go straight to IVF, I would have always wondered if the third IUI would have been the charm. Now, I won’t have to wonder.

So there it is. Let IUI #3 begin.

The way dream me acts

Last night I had a crazy dream. I was visiting my dear friends Amy and Ben, who live 5 hours away (we are actually going to visit them in July). While I was there, I got online and followed a link from some website, where I read that Amy was expecting and was quite far along because she already knew she was having a boy.

I started freaking out – how could I not know she’s expecting when I’m staying at her house?? I confronted her and asked if she was pregnant and she denied it. I laughed and told her how relieved I was, at which point she told me that actually, she was pregnant.

I completely flipped out in the dream…in a way I would never actually let myself. I was running around frantically, screaming, crying hysterically, throwing myself on the ground. People were trying to comfort me and I physically pushed them away. At one point, I saw a pool and seriously considered drowning myself (I don’t feel suicidal, I promise).

Finally I encountered Amy again and I said the following:

“Do you understand how much loss I feel? I’ll never get to tell my husband I’m pregnant in a cute and romantic way. I’ll never get to come up with a way to announce it to our parents – instead I just get to tell them when we’re beginning treatment, get them excited and then disappoint them when my body fails to do what it’s supposed to. Our babies will be created in an act of science. I will be robbed of my pregnancy when I finally achieve it because I know too much and will have constant anxiety. I already feel robbed of the big family I wanted because I don’t know if I can ever go through this again and might have to just settle for one child. I feel so much loss in my life because of my infertility.”

It was shocking how clearly I articulated this in my dream. Now IRL, I would never have to say any of this to Amy. She’s extremely sweet and supportive.

Also, then the dream became her wedding day, and I was in her wedding (which I actually wasn’t), and I refused to walk down the aisle for her because she betrayed me by getting pregnant when she knew it was my fucking turn.

And guess what…I felt a lot better when I woke up. It felt good to behave bitterly, resentfully, and irrationally in my dream. I would never allow myself to behave that way, but I got it all out of my system in the dream.

I do feel robbed of the things I talked about in my dream, and sometimes I do want to have hysterical, dramatic, very public breakdowns. But now that I identified exactly how I have been feeling since this latest BFN, I feel like I can move on. I’m not angry anymore.

What a productive dream.

12dpiui BFN

Stopped progesterone and prenatals.

Just under 6 weeks still to wait until our RE appointment. Luckily, I have booze, books, and Burke to get me through it (Burke = Grey's Anatomy, which I started watching this weekend on Netflix).

But still, it's going to be a long 5 weeks and 5 days.

I'm carrying around a lot of anger right now. My heart hurts.

11dpiui BFN

I don’t know.

It’s not like I thought I was pregnant. It’s not like I got excited like I did the last time. It’s not like I even expected it to work.

But it still pisses me off that it didn’t.

Let’s review: I’ve been on 2000 mg of Metformin for 10 months. We’ve been TTC for 16 months. I’ve done a cycle of clomid/intercourse and two cycles of clomid/IUI.

And I have never, not once, seen a second line.

Ugh.
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Disclaimer: I know that many of you have had a much longer, harder, and more painful journey than I have. I’m not inviting comparison here. I’m just saying…it sucks.

same old story

10 dpiui. BFN.

5dpiui already?

I’m at 5dpiui and I’m very pleased with this 2ww so far. Maybe because I don’t really care about this cycle, and maybe because everything moved so quickly this time that it took me by surprise, but I haven’t spent 5 days agonizing over whether or not it worked and it’s been nice.

I don’t really have much longer to wait. I’ll probably test on 10 or 11dpiui, which would be next Monday or Tuesday. Also, the last two cycles I’ve gotten the gut feeling around 7 days in that it didn’t work. I’m not even going to try to ignore that this time. So, optimistically, I’ll know by the end of the week if it worked or not ; )

One thing that has seriously cramped my style is that my nurse banned me from the gym for the 2ww. No Zumba, no elliptical, nothing but gentle yoga and slow walking on the treadmill. I joined the gym immediately after my last IUI failed, so I guess I didn’t know what I was missing during that 2ww. But I miss it this time. I understand the precaution, but I’m really growing tired of making personal sacrifices for pregnancies that don’t even end up existing.

On the symptom front, there’s nothing to report. Some mild cramping. I feel like my boobs are bigger, but that’s probably because I’m gaining weight from not making it to the gym. Mainly, I’m dealing with crippling constipation which I’d be thrilled to blame on the progesterone but actually started long before my insemination. It’s so bad that my whole abdomen hurts when I move. I’m thinking of self-administering an enema at home because I’m so uncomfortable.
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In other news, I booked a ticket to San Francisco over Labor Day weekend. I couldn’t be more excited. I have a friend from high school who lives 40 minutes outside of the city. I went last year over Memorial Day weekend and I loved California and I’ve wanted to go back ever since. I’ve been looking at tickets about once a month and just happened to find some cheapies for a weekend when Laura was free. This time I get to go for three and a half days, instead of just two and a half, and of course my lodging is free, so it will be a wonderful trip.

(I didn’t bother to ask my nurse before I booked the tickets. I figure even if I’m 5 months pregnant with twins I’d still be able to fly. Plus, I stressed out so much about planning our cruise because I was certain I’d be pregnant by then and look how that turned out! I’m determined to plan on this IUI not working. I did buy the trip insurance though – I’m a sucker for that stuff.)

IUI #2 is complete

Everything went great. My favorite nurse did the IUI (the one who did it last time) and we had a nice little chat during the procedure. I love how they are so familiar with me now. Yesterday the ultrasound tech said "you know the drill" when she saw me. Literally.

I will be sad if this doesn't work and I have to get used to another entire set of staff. But at least when I finally do get pregnant I'll get to come back to these people.

Anywho...apparently the two samples of A's sperm were both fabulous, one at 57 million and one at 115 million (!) and excellent morphology and motility. The nurse did a hilarious little impression of how sperm look under a microscope ("Some of them just swim around in a frenzy, not sure which direction to go!").

She also told me they've had 3 infertility patients get pregnant in the last two months, and the latest they just found out about today.

On our way home there was a rainbow in the sky. You know I don't really believe in God, or at least not a Christian God, but I'll be damned if it didn't make me wonder.

I am determined not to get my hopes up. My goal is still to just ignore that this is even happening. But that's going to be hard to do while shoving progesterone up my hoo-ha twice a day for the next two weeks!

Let the two week wait begin...

How are babies made? Part 1

After her last IUI, The Infertile Gynecologist wrote this amazing post about how babies are made. I’m using her as inspiration to tell you about today. If we end up conceiving this cycle, I’ll have this story to tell.

Question: Mommy, how are babies made?

Answer: Well, one day mommy goes to the doctor. It’s only day 13 of her cycle and she has never triggered before day 17. She makes bets with daddy about how big her follicles will be, deciding on one 12, one 13.

Mommy lies down in a dark room with a nice woman who looks inside her at her right ovary. There aren’t many baby seeds in there, and what’s there are very small. The biggest is 12mm, just exactly like mommy thought.

But then. THEN! The nice lady looks at mommy’s left ovary and we are all so excited! There are two beautiful baby seeds on that side! One just over 18 mm and one at 21! Mommy, daddy, the nice woman at the ultrasound machine, and Dr. Lovely are all pleasantly surprised that the baby seeds grew so fast.

It’s time for mommy to get a little shot. Usually, the nurse gives this shot there at the doctor’s office, but mommy is a slacker and hasn’t even picked up the shot from the pharmacy yet (because seriously, she thought she had at least three more days before she needed it).

So mommy and daddy go to Meijer to get the baby-making juice. They both have to go back to work, and mommy doesn’t want to do the baby-making juice shot in the car. So mommy and daddy walk into the Meijer family bathroom together, and get some weird looks from the Meijer staff sitting having a soda break.

They probably knew that mommy and daddy were going in there to try to make a baby, but they probably couldn’t guess the specifics.

Daddy gives mommy the baby making shot that makes her break out in big ugly pimples.

To be continued…

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That’s right…IUI #2 is scheduled for 4 pm tomorrow. A good 4-5 days earlier than I thought it would be. I guess that’s good. Apparently my left ovary is in overachiever mode this time around. I’m still not excited but the bitch cloud that has been following me around for the past two days has lifted. Thankfully.

So tired.

I had been in great spirits. I found out mid-January that IUI #1 failed and I had a rough couple of weeks. But by mid February I pulled out of it, determined to have a positive attitude and focus on the (multiple) good things going on in my life. I have been succeeding. I’ve been noticeably happier.

Yesterday was my first really rough day. At lunch with two co-workers, one let it slip that a mutual acquaintance is pregnant. Apparently they kept this info from me because everyone thought – correctly – that it would upset me. Why? Because this person is married to a convicted felon, known drug user and dealer, who also beats her and mentally abuses her.

Then, just when I had started feeling like my pants are looser and my belly feels a bit flatter, I weighed myself and found out I’ve gained two pounds in the past week. Ack. Not enough to depress me on its own, but yesterday it was the last straw. I got home and crawled in A’s lap and sat there for a long time.

I hope I’m done with pregnancy announcements for a while. In the past three months there have been too many that hit too closely to home. I’m tired of them. I’m tired of being around pregnant women. I can see myself slipping back into the “why can’t it be me” fog, the funk where I’d rather just stay at home and mope than go out and deal with the things that hurt.

I can hear how tired people are of telling me the same things over and over. My mom has got to be sick of saying “You’re going to have your chance” and I’m frankly tired of hearing it.

I’m tired of faking enthusiasm for other people’s pregnancies.
I can’t muster up a bit of hope for this IUI, and I don’t even really want to. I just want it to be over with.

I’m just tired.

IUI #2

All systems are "go" for IUI #2. Dildocam found no cysts (except those same paraovarians that have been there forever). My lining is deplorably thin but what can you do? I start 100 mg of clomid tomorrow.

I really don't care about this IUI. All eyes are on the appointment with the RE in May because I can't bear to get excited about this cycle. I have only told one friend about it (as opposed to last time where everyone knew what was going on) and I don't think I'm even going to tell my parents. My tactic is basically to pretend it isn't happening.

Maybe that's bad, cynical, but whatever. I don't have any reason to believe it will work and it's really just a way to kill time until I get to see the RE. I don't want to be hopeful. I'd rather focus on my diet and weight loss goals and going to the gym.

Of course since I'm "relaxing" about it all, I'll probably get pregnant this time. Hahahahahaha oh man it hurts I'm laughing so hard.

Not much else to share - thank you all for your solidarity in agreeing that the "bun in the oven" facebook photo is basically the worst travesty since the invention of reality television.

You girls are the best.

CD3

Yes, for those of you who don't follow me on twitter, it's worth mentioning that I started my period on Saturday.

Besides the obvious meaning here (ahem, that I'm not pregnant), the more exciting meaning is that I continue to kick PCOS ass. I've now miraculously managed to have TWO ovulatory, non-medicated cycles (by non-medicated I mean I take only 2000 mgs of Metformin).

The first cycle was 20 days and the second was 31. So I don't think we can quite consider these "regular cycles" yet. But for someone who spent her first YEAR off BCP menstruating only when provera and clomid marched in and demanded it...this is pretty damn exciting.

It also means that IUI #2 kicks off tomorrow with a date with the dildocam. As long as I don't have a cyst or some other unforeseen obstacle, this is going to be perfect timing. I have 63 days until my consultation with the RE, which is just enough time to get this cycle under my belt, process it, and move on.

Of course the fact that it's perfect timing means I'm practically BEGGING the universe to put something in my way. I'll have to report back tomorrow on that one.

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I picked up Phoebe Potts's graphic novel Good Eggs at the library. I've never read a graphic novel before but this one has come well-recommended. I'm super excited to read my first infertility-based book and think I'll save it till my 2ww.

The best part is that my library didn't have the book, but they ordered it when I requested it. So once I'm done with it, other local infertiles will benefit. Sweet.

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Last night, my friend J announced her pregnancy on facebook...by posting a photo of her oven with a bun cooking in it.
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Other than that, not much news. A has been super sweet lately. Last night he called my name from the other room and said "Thanks for being in my life." He also dealt with calling Dr. Lovely for me today to set up my dildocam appointment. He's the best : )

Grrrr and cycle update

I just found out another co-worker is pregnant. She doesn’t work on my team but she’s in my department. All in all not a devastating announcement, but annoying.

Now I know people due in August (my co-worker/friend Annie), September (my friend J), and October (this new announcement).

I swear to god I better get pregnant soon. I’m going to be seeing red this fall if I’m not.

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In that vein, IUI #2 starts next week whether my uterus likes it or not. If I haven’t started a period by March 22 (CD 35 - next Tuesday), we’ll start provera to induce and get the ball rolling. When I consulted A about the plan he merely groaned. That’s about as much enthusiasm as I can muster, too.

I guess I should be optimistic. They did clear out some endo last month so our chances have to be better than they were in January when we had IUI #1. But I’m a little peeved that the lovely 20 day ovulatory cycle I had after IUI #1 was seemingly a fluke. Today is CD 29 and no sign of aunt flo. Damn you, PCOS. I hate you.

That is all.

Weekend in review

Overall, this has been a really lovely weekend. Thank you all for your advice on my last post. Today we booked our excursions: snorkeling (all four of us), horseback riding (me and A, while the other couple does a bike ride), and a resort beach day (for me and my BFF)/history tour focused on pirates (for the guys). Eeeee! I can't tell you how excited I am for this cruise.

This weekend I joined a gym. I am thrilled. I haven't been a gym member since the end of '09, and it feels good. I used the elliptical yesterday and went to a Zumba class today. My BFF and her hubby (the ones we're traveling with) also belong so we went with them today. My goal is to go three times a week, but the absolute minimum is twice. I have no weight loss goals, I just want to feel better about myself.

This weekend I also had a mini panic attack about money. None of you know me in real life so I can admit all my sins here. A and I have about $5500 in credit card debt right now. This is too much for me. I am losing sleep over this amount. A large portion of that is this vacation, which we had planned to pay off with our tax return. However, it seems that we may not get a return this year, and in fact we may even owe. So you can see how upsetting that is. Another large portion is car repairs. We never have enough in savings to pay for major car repairs without wiping ourselves out, so we charge them. And we have bad luck with our cars.

To make matters worse, in January of 2009 we had $0 on credit cards, so all of this debt has been incurred in 2 years. It's seriously enough to make me hyperventilate.

So this morning I was losing sleep over it all so I got up and made a plan. This debt is spread out over three cards. I have a separate card I don't use that has an awesome balance transfer offer right now. So this week I'm going to transfer everything over and I'll have 0% interest till the end of the year. Then I'm going to get serious about putting money toward this debt!

I still have not cried about my BFN. Everything is stewing inside and will probably explode at the least convenient moment.

Coming up this week is my appt with Dr. Lovely to check out my weird vagina (that one's for you, Roccie). Thanks to the multiple suggestions I received here, I'll be inquiring about a bicornuate uterus vs. a septate uterus. This is another thing I'm losing sleep over.

I'm also waiting for my period to start. As soon as it does, I plan to give my drs office a phone call along the lines of "unless you are going to forbid me to travel if I get pregnant in February, I want another IUI." Heck yes!

Hope you all had a great weekend.