One year ago today: Transfer

One year ago today, my sweet baby was a tiny embryo, and I was high on valium. He, and another embryo we'll never get to meet, came home to my uterus via a catheter in a doctor's office in another state.

I spent the drive home from that appointment repeating a positive mantra in my head. "We want you, we love you, we can't wait to meet you." I concentrated all of my energy on getting those little ones to implant.

Modern medicine is such a marvel. You take a young woman with PCOS and terrible eggs, who doesn't even ovulate - with a bajillion injections, tears, and sleepless nights: she's pregnant.

Alex and I have come so far in one year! From a nerve-wracking two week wait, to an anxiety-riddled pregnancy, an early delivery, and now a healthy, happy, gorgeous four-month-old.

I carried and delivered him; he made me a mom. It's hard to know who gave whom the more precious gift.

What a difference a year makes.

All summer I have been thoughtfully reflecting on the events of last summer.

On July 7, I turned 26. It was a long day with a fussy baby, but it beat the pants off of my 25th birthday, when I cried all the way home from the RE's office.

July 21 was one year from my first retrieval. July 24, one year from my first transfer. In the middle there was one of the hardest days of my life: our fertilization report. I can physically remember the pain I felt when I heard that all but one my eggs failed to fertilize normally. It cut right through me.

Tomorrow is our 4th anniversary. On our 3rd anniversary, I found out that our first IVF didn't work. I aptly described that day on this blog as full of "soul-crushing disappointment". A year later, I don't think that's at all dramatic. I remember walking around in a fog of horrible sadness that day, feeling like the past three years had been utterly fruitless.

I'd like to travel back in time and put my arms around that girl's shoulders on her 3rd anniversary. The pain of those difficult days is like a scar on my heart, just like the reminders of long ago burns and cuts on my skin.

A year later, and I have the sweetest baby anyone could ask for.

We have many more one year marks to reflect on, coming up. The anniversary of our retrieval and transfer that led to Alex. The day I first took a pregnancy test, the day we first saw Alex's heartbeat on the ultrasound screen, the day we found out we were having a boy.

I worked so hard to get here. But what did I do to deserve this new, beautiful life?

Love.

Blogging has been a bit difficult for me throughout this pregnancy, because I still feel guilty even being pregnant around here. So I haven’t been documenting as much as I normally would have.

One thing I cannot overlook anymore is the need to write about my husband.

A and I had a whirlwind romance. We were friends for a year, and dated for just about 9 months when we got engaged April 2007. We were engaged for 16 months and got married three and a half years ago in August 2008. We are coming up on six years of being together.

Looking back, I can’t really tell you why I wanted to marry A. I don’t mean that to sound rude. I only mean that I didn’t have any romantic notions about marriage; mainly, I just knew that A was very different from my previous boyfriends, and I wanted to mark that difference publicly and in front of my family.

I think the first year of marriage is rough for most couples, and we were no exception. Just about a year into marriage, we hit our first fertility hurdles, and I don’t need to explain to you how difficult that can be for a couple.

Somehow, we have made it work. As soon as we hit a true challenge like infertility, everything we had argued about in the previous months seemed so frivolous.

My respect for him grew deeper as I watched him put his life on hold to pursue treatments to start a family with me. His respect for me also grew, as he watched how dedicated I was in my goal of being a mother.

When I think about the TTC years with A, I always think about the day of my last egg retrieval. I was so, so ill, and I kept passing out every time I stood up. He was literally picking me up off the floor that day. But he picked me up off the floor so many times before that, figuratively speaking, that it seemed fitting.

My husband held me when our first IVF cycle came crashing down around us with a terrible fertilization report. While I cried through a heartache I had never experienced before, I asked him “Am I overreacting here?” and he assured me that I was not - I was grieving.

My husband held me on Mother’s days, he wiped tears from my eyes at countless appointments, and his job was not done when I got pregnant. He picks me up and puts together the pieces every time I need him. And he’s never asked for anything in return.

This kind of emotional intelligence and willingness to support me by validating my feelings is rare in men. I can’t say that my dad was this way towards my mom.

Not only is he supportive and kind, but we have fun together. We make each other laugh. We are best friends.

I want to raise a son just like my husband.

I have a friend who is in her 40s and single. She had a partner for 7 years but that relationship ended (badly) a year ago. Recently, she has suffered a disabling injury. She can’t drive, shower or dress herself, and can barely manage her pain.

Watching her suffer has opened my eyes to a whole new world of marriage. I can’t imagine living alone and dealing with incapacitating pain. I feel so lucky to have a partner who has proven his ability to stop caring about himself in order to care for me.

Occasionally I worry about how this baby will affect our marriage. I know it won’t be easy. But going into parenthood, our marriage is stronger than it has ever been.

This is what love is all about.

2011 in review

I don’t actually expect anyone to read this, it’s really for my own purposes.

I had already met my deductible by January 3 thanks to monitoring appointments for our first IUI! I was inseminated on Friday, January 7. It didn’t work. I had a pelvic exam to examine the weird vagina, AKA vaginal septum. It was at this appointment that my OB and I discussed that my bicornuate uterus could also be a septate uterus and that only a laparoscopy could tell. So after a great deal of tears, I scheduled the lap.

In February we had a giant blizzard that shut down the entire county for two days. I spent it curled up at home eating Crunch Berries and reading the Hunger Games. I had my laparoscopy, which revealed that my uterus is perfectly shaped and the HSG was just plain wrong (WTF?) and that I had mild endometriosis, even thought I had no symptoms (surprise!) and that I had ovulated on my own for the first time since TTC (hooray!).

In March my friend told me she was pregnant, putting a big strain on our already burdened friendship. We took a vacation and a quick break from trying. We went on a cruise to Turks and Caicos, Half Moon Cay, and Nassau. We went snorkeling in Turks and Caicos and horseback riding in the Bahamas. I drank a lot. It was a great time. To the surprise of my family, taking a vacation was not the magic cure they had hoped it would be. Still not pregnant!

On April Fools Day, we were inseminated yet again. This negative cycle tore me apart. Also in April, my already strained friendship with one of my closest friends completely fell apart. I spent the whole month in despair as we waited to see the RE. I went on Welbutrin.

I spent most of May partying and enjoying our break. On May 23 we made our first of many trips to the RE. Waiting to go into that appointment was the oddest type of anticipation for me. We liked him immediately and he gave us a choice between IUI w/injectables and IVF. It was a big decision to make, and I was so preoccupied the next day that I went to work with two different shoes on. Also in May, people actually started coming to my support group!

In June I got promoted at work and we quietly got the ball rolling for IVF #1. We got our infectious disease tests and I took BCP. On Tuesday, June 28 we did our very first at-home injection (Lupron).

We took one day in July to go to Six Flags and ride roller coasters/water rides and revel in not being pregnant. I spent my 25^th birthday at the RE and cried all the way home. I packed up my Lupron, Bravelle, and Menopur to begin stims for IVF #1 while visiting friends in Des Moines. We retrieved 8 eggs. 5 did not fertilize, and of the three that were ICSI-d, only one fertilized normally. I spend 24 hours crying (no exaggeration) over the fert report, because my eggs had failed me. We transferred a 6 cell embryo on day 3. My friend had a baby and I went to the hospital to meet him during my 2ww.

On August 2, our third anniversary, we found out IVF #1 failed. It was a dismal anniversary. Never in a million years did I dream we’d be married three years and have no child. On the same day that I took a big exam at work, we had our follow up phone call with the RE and he cleared us to go straight into another cycle, with no break.

On September 1, I again packed up all my injections and this time, flew with them for my second ever trip to California! I spent 5 days sightseeing with a dear friend and basically ignored the fact that I had a retrieval coming up. It was a great trip, the highlight of which was seeing Muir Woods. This time, I paid dearly for my 17 eggs with painful OHSS combined with a nasty reaction to the anesthesia. I cried myself to sleep in the ER, a nurse holding one hand and my husband holding the other, saying “I just want to be a mom”. We transferred a blast and an early blast on day 5 and froze a hatching blast. On Saturday, 9/24, I got my first ever positive pregnancy test.

October was the month of the ultrasounds, at 6 and 8 weeks. The days leading up to them were always frantic for me. After the 8 week ultrasound we told my grandparents we were pregnant. It was a much anticipated and emotional day. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that day as long as I live.

In November I saw the Indigo Girls in concert for the third time. I hit the 12 week mark. I went to a baby shower and it didn’t feel like my heart was getting pulled out of my chest and stomped on.

In December I celebrated a happy Christmas with joy and gratitude in my heart. Our quad screening came back negative and we found out we are having a boy!

All in all, 2011 kicked the pants off of 2010. I would say the worst two days were

1) when I got the fert report for IVF #1

2) retrieval day for IVF #2.

The best two days were

1) the 12 week ultrasound, because the baby was so baby-like and moving around so much, it truly made me feel pregnant

2) when we found out it was a boy.

Also 3) the day we went snorkeling and got day drunk on the beach in Turks and Caicos – that was a marvelous day, too : )

Retrieval scheduled!

I have 10 follicles on my right and 7 on my left. Some are smaller, but my educated, very optimistic guess is I'll end up with 10 eggs. That would be fantastic.

Estradiol is 2125. No wonder I have been so weepy lately. Last time it was only 675, so I'm hoping that means good things. I'm on estrace post-transfer instead of hcg boosters, thank god.

Retrieval is scheduled for Tuesday morning. Transfer either Friday or Sunday.

All in all the stims went very quickly this time. Being on vacation for five of the days helped. Yesterday I really started feeling my ovaries and I was exhausted and emotional all day. I hung out with my friend H last night and she really helped cheer me up.

My husband is being sweet and supportive, as always. The pregnancy test is scheduled for 9/28 and is birthday is 10/9. He said "Maybe I'll get a baby for my birthday!"

I do have things to look forward to if this cycle fails. We have Wicked tickets in October and I'm traveling to see the Indigo Girls in November, which I am SUPER excited about. They have been my favorite group since age 15. I will be okay if it doesn't work, but I hope it does.

I feel excited, nervous, and a little scared. It feels surreal to be doing it all for the second time.

Let's cross our fingers that this retrieval/fertilization goes more smoothly than the last.

IVF #1 in review

A summary of IVF #1:

What I feared: Crazy hormone side effects, bruises from injections, severe bloating, weight gain, that I would forget or mess up my medicine, the retrieval, the two week wait

What I got: Crazy hormone side effects from birth control only, everything else was fine. Injections went well. I didn’t bloat hardly at all, although I still complained about the bloating that did happen. I haven’t weighed myself but I don’t feel like I gained any significant weight. I did mess up my medicine but I ended working it all out. The retrieval was fine. The two week wait was rough.

What I learned:

-          Take nothing for granted. I really should have learned this by now, but I am foolish enough to continue to assume things. I remember those days when A and I were so naïve (like in June) when we sat around having lengthy discussions about what to do with the millions of embryos we’d have leftover in cryopreservation. Should we donate them to science? Adopt them out? Risk having a bigger family than we had planned? Well, the joke’s on us because my eggs suck and we have nothing in cryo and it’s likely to stay that way.

-          It’s different for everyone. I had none of the scary Lupron side effects I had been warned about, but my BCP was awful. I had very manageable pain post-retrieval, when I expected the worst.

-          It’s out of my hands. Duh.

The worst part: The fertilization report. I don’t think I have ever been so heartbroken in my life. It was far, far harder than finding out I wasn’t pregnant, being diagnosed with PCOS, or any pregnancy announcement I’ve ever seen or heard.

The best part: Getting the phone call that our one embryo continued dividing and would make it to transfer. How quickly one went from being not nearly enough to meaning the world to us.

What I’ll remember most:

-          On our way into the hospital for our initial consultation, I told A that someday we’d tell our kids how they got here, and this moment would be part of that story. It had been raining and there was an earthworm on the sidewalk. A picked up the earthworm and returned him safely to the grass and said “I hope you’ll remember to tell them that their dad is the kind of man who saved an earthworm from getting squished.”

-          Leaving a party at a winery to go get my Lupron out of the lunchbox in my car and inject myself. It was a surreal moment for me and I thought “is this really my life?”

-          On the way to the retrieval, we stopped to get fast food and got a cup of ice water for our two dogs. We have a big dog and a small dog. I said “He needs to drink first because he has a little tongue. She can get all the way down to the bottom of the cup when he’s done.” He looked at me and said. “That’s a good point. You’re going to be a great mom.”  

What I will keep in mind for next time:

-          IVF is not your life. Keep doing things. Don’t let your life revolve around your next injection.

-          Make sure your phone is charged because Angry Birds really takes the edge off of waiting room anxiety.

-          Make sure you always have more medicine than you need for at least the next four days.

-          Post-IVF periods are awful.

-          It might not work.

-          That doesn’t mean it will never work.

Transfer day.

After all of the heartache following the fertilization report, the transfer was a good experience.

On Saturday night we drove back to the RE (our third 3-hour trip in one week - *whew*). We had déjà vu checking into the same hotel we had checked into three nights before.

TMI, but I was suffering from some really serious constipation around transfer time. I tend to be constipated anyway, but this was terrible. It hurt to even sit down on the bed, I had to sit with my legs folded under me for cushioning.

Therefore, I spent most of the night before transfer trying in vain to have a bowel movement. It hurt. I was stressed out about it because I knew in the morning I’d be loading up my bladder and it would be a bad time for my bowels to start moving.

We got to the hospital and I took the Valium I had been directed to take upon arrival. They settled me in with my gown and some beverages.

The embryologist came to give us a photo of our embryo. She said they would have liked to have more to choose from and some to freeze, but overall this was a beautiful embryo. I know enough to know that 6 cells isn’t great. But I chose to believe her.

In what seemed like no time, Dr. Friendly came in to take me back.

I wish I hadn’t taken the valium because it made me feel very floaty. My memories of the transfer are fuzzy, and I had questions to ask him that I promptly forgot.

I did remember to ask what the chances were of this working. He had previously told me I had a 75% success rate with IVF, but that was before The Day My Eggs Turned to Shit.

He just looked at me and smiled and said “It’s gonna work. That’s the attitude we have to have. It’s gonna work.”

Another note about Dr. Friendly: that man is a WHIZ with a speculum. The radiologist who did my HSG practically wrenched me apart with his speculum, and both my IUIs were uncomfortable bordering on slightly painful. Maybe it was the valium, but his just glided right on in.

I could see the catheter on the ultrasound machine and watched as he squirted Little E into my uterus. I laid there for about 5 minutes, and then it was time to go home.

I stayed in bed all day Sunday and on the couch all day yesterday. Now I’m back to work and the girls here are being incredibly sweet by doing a lot of my work that requires walking for me.

I am upset because I am on these hcg booster shots. Has anyone heard of these? I take the 7/24 7/27 and 7/30, beta on 8/5. Unfortunately any HPT I take prior to 8/5 is going to be unreliable. I have tested every day since the day of the transfer and I’m keeping the tests taped to a piece of notebook paper so I can monitor the boosters’ effect.

It’s a little heartbreaking to see three positive pregnancy tests and know I’m not really pregnant. But I hope that by keeping careful watch on the lines, I have an idea of how the beta will turn out. I have to get the news at work and my husband will be out of state when we hear. So I really want to have a good idea going in.

Thank you all for your support, and HOORAY for making it to transfer!!

PUPO!

Yesterday morning my husband and I were sitting at the dining room table. I had my phone close by because the IVF lab had said they would call if our embryo stopped dividing, and if they didn't call, it's good news.

Well, they called, and my heart sank. I picked up and she said "This is soandso from the IVF lab, I just wanted to tell you your embryo is dividing, I checked on it very early this morning and it is a beautiful 2 cell." I let out a huge sigh of relief and said "You have no idea..." and then got choked up. She said "I know, I could tell you were holding your breath so I tried to talk very quickly!" Haha.

Friday was spent grieving. I cried a lot. I cried because we wouldn't have two to transfer and I wanted twins (I really, really wanted twins). I cried because we wouldn't have any to freeze and I'd have to go straight to another fresh cycle if this fails. I cried because I doubted the quality of this little embryo if all of his other friends were so messed up.

But mainly I grieved the notion that my eggs are young, perky, beautiful, and capable of anything. This seems to be false. That is still a hard pill to swallow and things like "premature ovarian failure" keep popping into my head in dark moments.

But by the time I went to sleep Friday, I had stopped grieving and had focused all my thoughts towards this one little embryo making it through the night and coming back to my body.

And he did! I am PUPO. I will write more about the transfer tomorrow.

Thank you all so, so much for the outpouring of love and support I received from my post on Friday. It means more than you know.

1.

Of the 8 eggs they got yesterday, my clinic did TBS (to be sure) ICSI on three.

Two fertilized abnormally, one fertilized normally.

Of the other five that were left to their own devices, none fertilized.

We are set for a day 3 transfer on Sunday, if the one little guy makes it that long.

The embryologist indicated that the egg quality is a concern.

I just turned 25 two weeks ago.

I am devastated.