21 week update and prenatal yoga

Last night I went to my first prenatal yoga class.

It was great timing. I stepped on the scale yesterday for the first time in 5 weeks, and I’ve gained 15 pounds already. I’m nervous that I’ll gain the maximum 35 pounds recommended, and I’ve been doing jack shit when it comes to exercise. I’ve kind of shot myself in the foot when it comes to taking the weight off easily after delivery.

Prenatal yoga was great. There were five of us, two at 28 weeks, one at 24 or 26 (I can’t remember), me at 21, and one at 16. It was nice to be around other pregnant women and compare bumps and symptoms. I helped set up the class, and one girl is my old college roommate, while another is a girl I met through my Resolve support group.

The yoga itself was nice. Relaxing but still challenging, and I felt limber and opened up when I left, just like I used to from regular yoga classes. I have been practicing yoga for 8 years, and this is a new territory for me, but I like it.

Most of all, it was nice to be around four other pregnant women and feel included. Last year, being stuck in a room with four belly bumps would have been a unique form of torture. But I belong now. I’m not saying it’s right to feel that way, but I do feel that way, and it was comforting. Of course part of me feels hugely guilty for this.

At the end, someone floated the idea of starting a Mommy and Me class in the fall once everyone’s little ones had arrived. It’s still weird to think I’ll be a mom in August, although my husband says I’m a mom now.

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Other updates: The crib and the changing table have been assembled. The crib took one hour and only had 7 pieces total. The changing table took three hours, had a gazillion pieces, and we almost got divorced building it. The dresser came yesterday and neither of us have touched it. It’s the same brand as the changing table and it’s just too soon, the wounds are still too fresh ; )

My mobile is done and I hung it above the crib. I have two baby showers scheduled (3/31 at 30w4d, 4/28 at 34w4d). I am over the bug I had last week and feel MUCH better.

We are registering in two and a half weeks and I have a list created. I will post it another day and ask for feedback.

Thank you all for staying with me even though my blog is so boring these days.

Anatomy Scan - 20 weeks - belly photo

Today I had my anatomy scan, everything went great. It seems like a great day to do another one of these updates.

Total Weight Loss/Gain: They didn't weigh me today! I was totally disappointed, because I don't weigh myself at home. I know I've gained quite a bit since my last appt, where I had gained 8. I'm going to go on record and say I think I've gained around 12-15, and I'll weigh myself at work in the nurse's office on Monday : )

Maternity Clothes: 100% pants. 50-50% shirts.

Stretch marks: none. *crossing fingers*

Sleep:  sleeping very well, especially thanks to the body pillow. at around 16 weeks I had some sciatic pain but the body pillow has completely erased that.

Movement: almost constant! This is my favorite thing about pregnancy so far. It feels like a different thing to be pregnant when you can feel the baby. It's so much fun. This week, the kicks got so strong that my husband can feel them when he touches my belly.

Cravings/Aversions: none.

Sex (of baby): it's a BOY! verified again today.

Symptoms: not so emotional anymore. I had felt really ill this week, but I think I have a bug and I hope it's not JUST pregnancy. I still have heaps of vaginal discharge. I have some weird nerve thing going on in the pinky side of my left hand. I'm pretty constipated. I have a red, itchy spot on my belly. 

What I miss: This week, I just miss feeling like I can stand for more than 30 minutes without getting extremely lightheaded! But again, I hope that passes soon. 

What I look forward to: Continuing to work on the nursery. Registering. We're starting to schedule showers. : )

Moods: A kick from the baby can pull me out of the worst funk! However, last week I had a really awful day. I felt completely untethered. I think it was just hormones, but it was very unpleasant.

Milestones: All vital organs are present and accounted for! Quad screening and CF screening came back negative. Valentine's Day is viability. : )

Medical concerns: My cervix is a long 4.6 cm (it needs to be at least 3). She wants to check it every two weeks for a while just to make sure. I still can't get over the worry that I'll have GD, especially with all of the lightheadedness I've been feeling this week. I have my 2 hour glucose screening in 4 weeks. All in all, I have no reason to be concerned at all.

Sex?: No thank you, I'll pass.

Misc:  I read on a weekly pregnancy website that at 20 weeks, if baby hears a loud, sudden noise, he'll jump and put his hands over his ears. That has really stuck with me, because it sounds so adorable! I'm really looking preggers these days. Today was my 7th ultrasound and it definitely felt different, I could feel the baby in there when she was pressing on me, it's hard to explain. I'm very happy to be here.

My pregnancy in review : )

My readership has drastically declined lately, which is fine because seriously, I get it. My posting has also drastically declined lately, because I feel icky about posting so much about pregnancy. But, since today marks 20 weeks and thus the halfway point for this baby’s gestation, I feel a bit of retrospect is in order because when it comes down to it I’ve done a pretty poor job of documenting my pregnancy.

So, we’ll do the cliffs notes version.

3w4d (also known as 6dp5dt)- this was the day I first took a HPT and saw two lines.

4-7 weeks- I lived in fear. I was happy but terrified, with terror outweighing happiness a lot of days. A couple of times I left work to cry in my car about how grateful I was to be pregnant. At 6 weeks we saw the heartbeat and my RE told us we were at 95% of everything being okay, but that wasn’t enough for me.

Side note: I ate a LOT of salt!! I’m not usually a salt girl but I dumped salt all over everything. I remember getting hash browns at McDonald’s on my way to work, and they looked like they had been snowed on once I was done with them. I also ate a lot of Lay’s Classic Potato Chips (classy, I know). This may have been more of a post-OHSS thing than a pregnancy thing. I had PMS like cramps the entire time, my nipples started darkening, and the blue veins popped out on my chest. I think I was dizzy a lot at this point, too.

8 weeks- We heard the heartbeat and saw something that looked a whole lot more like a baby than it had two weeks ago. My RE released me to my OB. We told my grandparents (one of the best moments of my life), and I slowly started telling friends. This is also when the nausea started, but it was minor, only lasted a couple of hours, and never bothered me all that much. I also felt like total garbage for a week because I had a bad cold.

9 weeks- I started feeling so bloated that jeans were almost impossible. I wore a bella band with my jeans. I think this was when the super pregnant nose kicked in. I remember hardly being able to open the refrigerator. I told work I was pregnant.

10 weeks- We had what is, to date, my favorite ultrasound. Baby looked so adorable and peanut-like. I finally felt able to relax a bit. I think this was when I started going to bed by 8pm every night.

11 weeks- I felt very, very bloated, but still didn’t feel like I was showing. This was around when the crazy weepiness started.

12 weeks- We announced on facebook, and it was the week of Thanksgiving. I met with my NP and we had another great ultrasound where baby was dancing around like CRAZY! It was so fun. 12 weeks made a huge difference in my outlook. I got another stinkin cold and felt pretty bad most of the week. I feel like my belly popped out this week and I went from being bloated to showing, although others disagree. Pregnant nose started to fade.

13 weeks- realized I had missed my chance for an NT scan : ( Still very tired, hormonal, and feeling fat. I believe this is when the vaginal discharge (luekorrhea) got really uncomfortable. There’s so much of it! This continues and I’ve been told it will only get worse.

14 weeks- this was a rough week. Halfway between my 12 week and 16 week ultrasounds, and I hardly felt pregnant at all, besides feeling tired. Pregnancy nose was gone. I wasn’t in a great mental state.

15 weeks- I started feeling a lot of tugging/pulling/tightening sensations down there. I thought I was preparing for a growth spurt, but figured out later that these were the first noticeable movements.

16 weeks- was sitting in a meeting with all of my management when I felt something very peculiar. It was the first kick! Or punch, or somersault, or whatever. I didn’t feel it again for several days but it was fun feeling the first one.

17 weeks- baby is kicking more frequently. Bump is more noticable. We found out it was a boy!!!

18-20 weeks- symptoms stay the same: blue veins, dark and sensitive nipples, both of which are the new normal. I’m starting to feel off balance because of my belly - though it’s still small, it’s growing. I’m still exhausted a lot. No nausea, some dizziness. I have days of raging hormones and days where I feel fine. Baby moves more and more every day it seems! No stretch marks. Very heavy vaginal discharge, which makes me feel self-conscious and very unsexy. Overall, I feel like my primary reason for being alive is to grow this baby, which keeps me from feeling any sex drive or interest in much else, including my friends and my appearance. And I’m okay with that.

Anatomy scan is on Friday!

Nursery update

This post is going to make you barf, I'm sorry I'm even writing it. But not sorry enough to not impose it on you. : )

We have been working our asses off in the nursery. Almost immediately after I got my BFP, I started taking wallpaper down in there. Because I knew it was going to take for.fucking.ever and even if I had miscarried, oh well, at least the hideous wallpaper was gone!

Because this is what the nursery used to look like:

That is not our bed, or our cat, or our crap in totes, because we never once took a photo of this room ourselves. Because since we've moved in, this is where broken dreams have gone to die, and really, who wants photos of that?

So first step: get rid of that seizure-inducing wallpaper. Second step: start painting. This we started around 8 weeks I believe. Early, yes, but I was itching. We painted the walls gray and we (painstakingly) pulled off all the trim and painted it white.

Then, my husband took the reigns and tackled the floor. Your eyes are not tricking you - that carpet is PINK. He took it out, and this week he and his father put in some amazing new laminate floor. So now the nursery looks like this:

And I love it. Every day I go in there and just stand for a while. So now that the nursery is "ready", I have started buying shit like it's going out of style. Like soon, someone will just take my credit cards away (which will be my husband, if I don't get it under control).

We ordered furniture. Was it too early to order furniture at 19w2d? Yes, yes I'm sure it was. Did I panic immediately after clicking "submit" because I thought such an arrogant purchase would mean doom for our upcoming anatomy scan? I did indeed. But I am a planner, goddamnit, and infertility robbed me of the ability to plan when and how I would get pregnant. I am going to plan the pieces out of this pregnancy!

I hesitate to post links to what we bought, because I don't want ya'll judging me. Because we bought cheap furniture. We got three pieces for $450. Why? Because that's what we could afford.

The crib is a Graco, and many reviews assured me that, although inexpensive, it was a quality crib and would stand the test of time.

The changing table and dresser are low-end pieces, and that's okay with me. The baby's not sleeping in those so it's okay if they're cheap. The main thing that bothered me about these two pieces is the cheap-looking drawer pulls, so I purchased a 12 set of these to really brighten them up.

Then I commissioned my MIL to make me some solid yellow curtains. I bought this adorable garland to drape over the curtains.

I've also been crafting a lot. Several weeks ago I made this:

I was inspired by something I saw in an etsy shop, but my elephants are cuter and I like my quote better, and mine just turned out really well altogether, I'd say.

I was also inspired by this etsy shop of felt nursery mobiles. Honestly, everything in that shop is the cutest effing thing I've ever seen! Over NYE weekend I made my own birds. Once the crib is up, I'll attach them to a mobile and hang them, but for now they look like this:

So, that's what I've been up to. I am planning for this baby like a normal pregnant woman and I really hope that means I'm a normal pregnant woman.

Pregnancy after IVF: enormous gratitude

Last night I had a dream that we were TTC again. I was in a 2ww and it felt very real. The hope, the fear, the vacillation between positivity and negativity. I woke up, and I remembered I was pregnant. It was a huge relief.

In the shower, it occurred to me that it used to be the other way around: pregnancy was the blissful dream and TTC was the dismal present. It was so heartbreaking to wake up.

I can't tell you how lucky I am, and how truly grateful I feel every single day. The nursery is painted and the flooring was delivered today. The baby's room is going to be gorgeous - the nicest room in our house! I feel the gratitude all the way down into my toes. I can't express it.

The further along I get in the pregnancy, the more I embrace the unconventional way we created this baby. When I was doing IVF, it was miraculous, sure. But it was also a huge chore, an inconvenience. It was physically and emotionally painful, and very draining.

Now, IVF is this glowing beacon of hope in my life. Hope that we will have a healthy baby in June, thanks to IVF. Hope for our frosty. Hope for future retrievals to conceive siblings.

I see a lot of photos of nurseries where the parents post above the crib "All because two people fell in love."

I want to make one that says "All because two people fell in love and did two rounds of clomid, two IUIs, two retrievals, and two transfers." Or "All because two people fell in love and found a great RE."

I think about IVF a lot, and very frequently I think about the other embryo we transferred in September. We transferred a blastocyst and an early blastocyst. Which one is the son I'm carrying right now? What if he had stopped dividing and the other had implanted? Was it another boy, or a girl? What if both had implanted -- and my son had a twin?

It's not a wishful wondering. I'm happy with what happened. A singleton pregnancy is easier than twins, and I'm certainly happy and privileged to carry them one at a time. I'm thrilled that it's a boy.

I have no regrets. But it is odd to consider what might have been.