Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Pregnancy after IVF: enormous gratitude

Last night I had a dream that we were TTC again. I was in a 2ww and it felt very real. The hope, the fear, the vacillation between positivity and negativity. I woke up, and I remembered I was pregnant. It was a huge relief.

In the shower, it occurred to me that it used to be the other way around: pregnancy was the blissful dream and TTC was the dismal present. It was so heartbreaking to wake up.

I can't tell you how lucky I am, and how truly grateful I feel every single day. The nursery is painted and the flooring was delivered today. The baby's room is going to be gorgeous - the nicest room in our house! I feel the gratitude all the way down into my toes. I can't express it.

The further along I get in the pregnancy, the more I embrace the unconventional way we created this baby. When I was doing IVF, it was miraculous, sure. But it was also a huge chore, an inconvenience. It was physically and emotionally painful, and very draining.

Now, IVF is this glowing beacon of hope in my life. Hope that we will have a healthy baby in June, thanks to IVF. Hope for our frosty. Hope for future retrievals to conceive siblings.

I see a lot of photos of nurseries where the parents post above the crib "All because two people fell in love."

I want to make one that says "All because two people fell in love and did two rounds of clomid, two IUIs, two retrievals, and two transfers." Or "All because two people fell in love and found a great RE."

I think about IVF a lot, and very frequently I think about the other embryo we transferred in September. We transferred a blastocyst and an early blastocyst. Which one is the son I'm carrying right now? What if he had stopped dividing and the other had implanted? Was it another boy, or a girl? What if both had implanted -- and my son had a twin?

It's not a wishful wondering. I'm happy with what happened. A singleton pregnancy is easier than twins, and I'm certainly happy and privileged to carry them one at a time. I'm thrilled that it's a boy.

I have no regrets. But it is odd to consider what might have been.

6 comments:

TurtleMama said...

Hi Lulu - I too feel incredibly blessed to finally be pregnant with the help of IVF. I am just amazed that it worked for us. I am so glad that I am not still stuck in the nightmare of trying to conceive. Sounds like you are on track with getting your nursery prepped. So exciting! Enjoy the second trimester.

Still A Guest Room said...

Isn't IVF just amazing? The further I get from our cycle, the more amazed I am by the process that brought us our babies.

Chickenpig said...

That is the one thing I always appreciated about doing IVF, that I could see my babies from within days of their conception. Only we can do that! But...it does leave us to wonder. With my twins, I look at the embryo picture and think to myself "ok, which one is D and which one N?" and with my daughter I'm always left to wonder which one of the two stuck and became her.

I have to laugh about the 'because two ppl fell in love and got an RE' because I have thought the same exact thing! I double dog dare you to stencil THAT over a crib ;)

So...when do we get to see some nursery pics? :)

Marissa said...

I have had that nightmare, more than once. UGH.

I have a love/hate with IVF. I hate every single thing about it except (1) it exists, (2) pictures of embryos, and (3) it actually sometimes works. And I love, love, LOVE those three things.

MaryMargaret said...

It's a strange position that IVF leaves us in. While we are so grateful to be pregnant, it's hard not to wonder about the what-ifs. And that quote makes having a baby seem so simple, doesn't it?

mare said...

I felt similarly after getting pregnant following three failed IUIs. I still feel that way. When I am tired and stressed and baby girl wakes up a third time at night because of teething, I am still grateful (albeit sleepy!).

Anyway, I am so happy for you and have loved following you to this point. xoxo.