35 weeks - bitching and moaning

Pregnancy is getting kind of hard. I think I have hit a wall.

The toughest part is the ambiguity of how much longer it will last. I will be full term on May 15, but my doctor will let me go as long as 2 weeks over my due date. So I could have this baby as early as two weeks from now, or I could be pregnant for seven more weeks. Pardon me, but FUCK.

The thing is, I just want him here. I want to hold him, get to know him, start caring for him. I am already not sleeping because I’m so uncomfortable. I’d rather be not sleeping because I’m taking care of my son.

I have handed off all of my work. Tonight is my last shower. By next Monday, the house will be completely ready for him. And that is when the clock will start ticking very, very loudly.

I haven’t packed my hospital bag, and I probably won’t for a while. If I go until my due date or past it, I will be annoyed seeing that bag sit there getting dusty – it’ll be a symbol of how READY I am. If I go early, it will likely be scheduled, so I’ll have a chance to pack.

I know someday I’ll regret wishing away the last weeks of my pregnancy. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I’m just ready to hold him in my arms.

Always Infertile - NIAW

It’s National Infertility Awareness Week.

Last year at this time, I was in one of the darkest places of my life. This year for NIAW, I am 34 weeks pregnant. My, how much can change in a year.

Right now, I’m focused on baby showers, car seat bases, and crib mattresses, but I am still infertile. My first 14 weeks of pregnancy were wrought with anxiety, and even now I have moments of terror that my baby will be born still. I picture my life in shambles after such a tragedy.

When people are excited about my pregnancy – when they want to touch my belly, or talk about names, or ask how I’m feeling – it shocks me. I never really learned how to be excited for pregnant people. I only knew how to envy them in a deep, dark, painful place in my heart, and I shut down around them because of this horrible feeling.

I don’t expect people to be happy for me, but they are, and I don’t deserve their kindness. Deep down, I still feel like a bitter infertile.

I am still infertile because pregnancy announcements still hurt. It’s a little easier to be enthusiastic, and I certainly don’t feel like someone is carving my heart out with a dull, rusty spoon anymore. But it doesn’t feel good.

I will always be infertile because I cannot remember my positive pregnancy test from IVF #2 without also remembering the many, many negative pregnancy tests. Those negatives are like tiny pebbles in my heart, as opposed to a giant boulder crushing my chest, but they are still there.

And I am still infertile because my son is not even born yet and I already worry that I won’t be able to give him a sibling.

Infertility has colored every aspect of my life. It has taught me how to be a better friend, wife, person. I am more patient. I am far, far more humble. I understand that I am not in control. I have learned how to advocate for myself as a medical consumer. I have learned to never assume anything about anyone’s family situation. I have learned to keep my mouth shut.

These lessons are valuable, but they were hard earned. Infertility is a life crisis. Don’t ignore it – don’t ignore friends going through it, don’t ignore those of us who are temporarily pregnant infertiles. Don’t ignore your support system when everything goes dark around you.

Shower and nursery photos

Yesterday was the shower, and it was a perfect day. I had so much fun, got very emotional, and we got a lot of presents!

The shower was Dr. Seuss themed, and it was adorable. I am so happy about the day that I am going to break my own rule and post some photos of myself (no guarantees how long they'll be up though).

me at 30 weeks, 4 days 

me with Horton, and the photobook my mom made me documenting my pregnancy (from retrieval to 28 weeks)

ducky in the punch : )

They had Seussical cards for the guests to share their advice, and I'm going to type some up here - the ones that made me laugh or cry or both:

From my parents (my mom wrote this poem - I was so impressed. A had to read it out loud because I was a weepy mess).

The timing is near, you've waited so long! Just overnight you'll become Dad and Mom.
You have lots to learn, a lot you must know. "Who should I ask?" "Where should I go?"
In choosing wisely in whom you can trust, of course we must say you should always call us.
We'll tell you the truth, or help you decide, or just sit and listen to what's on your mind.
No Wockets or Sneetches, no Zax or Lorax,
No Who down in Whoville, not the Grinch's dog Max,
Not even the Grinch with the strength of ten Grinches plus two
Could become a great couple of parents like you!

From my grandpa:

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. -Theodore Hasburgh

From our good friends, Ben and Amy:

Be yourselves, you will be good parents. No Disney movies - these breed unrealistic expectations and gender stereotypes. Don't train this babe to be a celebrity. Show him to appreciate small victories, like being resourceful. Make sure to show the baby how to cook and change a tire. Take heed of that tiger mom book. I think kids get 'mental health' days from school, too. Read lots o' books. Duh.

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The nursery is also coming along well. It's definitely not done: we have a crib with no mattress and a changing table with no changing pad (instead it's full of stacks of receiving blankets and burp clothes and toys). But, it's on its way!

that bare corner will house my glider, once they get their act together and send me arms that match the base! : / 

Due date countdown: 65 days!

Thinking about #2, baby showers

My pregnancy is winding down. I have fewer than 10 weeks left until the day my baby is due. Realistically, he could be here in less than 7 weeks.

There have been days that I’ve come home and cried because sometimes it’s hard to be pregnant. The constipation is difficult, I’m starting to feel uncomfortable, and I have other complaints I could mention if I wanted to.

But overall, I’ve enjoyed being pregnant. I love feeling my baby move inside me. I love knowing he’s always with me.

As I start glimpsing the end of the road, I have started feeling a little panicky that I’ll never be lucky enough to experience pregnancy again.

I want siblings for my son. My husband and I are open to and have discussed adoption. He’s actually very excited about the notion of adopting in the future. I would be too, except for the fact that we can’t afford adoption, and we have 2 more retrievals covered under our medical insurance. Our bank account dictates that if we are to have a second child, IVF will be our method.

I wish I could take baby number 2 (or even babies number 3, 4 and 5 if we wanted them) for granted. But I’m infertile, and everything is harder for us.

If this is my only pregnancy, I will be thankful that I even got to experience one. But I desperately don’t want that to be the case.

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We have a baby shower this weekend. My family is so generous that I know we will be literally showered with gifts. I’m excited to get more baby stuff set up in our house, but mainly I’m excited that everyone’s excited about this baby.

It will be so nice to be surrounded by people who already love this little person. He has been prayed for, cried for, and anticipated for years, and he doesn’t even know it.

What a great way to come into this world: enveloped in layers of unconditional love. He has not only my love, but his father’s love, the love of four grandparents, six great-grandparents, 2 aunts, an uncle, 20 great-aunts and-uncles (I may be missing a couple of those), and countless cousins (first, second, third…).

He has done nothing to earn, deserve, or ask for love, and yet it has already been sent to him in abundance. It amazes me.

Hello third trimester!

Pregnancy is blowing my mind these days. I am swinging back and forth between emotions: nervous about the baby arriving and sad that I will only be pregnant for a few more months, and impatience with how slowly the pregnancy is going and a strong desire to meet and begin caring for my son.

Somewhere along the line, I accepted that this baby will be born happy and generally healthy. I think it happened gradually between 20-24 weeks. It's a huge relief to be able to say "When the baby comes..." without telling myself I don't deserve it, or wondering in the back of my head if the pregnancy is going to work out.

A combination of enemas (2x week) and Colace (2x daily) has finally got me feeling regular again. I feel the most amazing sense of relief now that I'm not so backed up. My whole belly feels more comfortable and I feel, quite literally, lighter.

I was a bit freaked out at 24 weeks when they called to tell me that I passed my glucose test - yay! only took 7 pricks for 3 blood draws! >: | - but my platelets were low (134 million). Luckily, they re-tested me at 26 weeks and platelets were back up to 159. At 26 weeks baby had also turned head down, which was very, very exciting for me considering he's always been butt down in the past.

I am also ushering in 27 weeks with the official label of "anemic", and the pleasure of waking up this morning to something crusty covering my right nipple...leakage, anyone?

I can't believe it's already March and I'm in my third trimester. Yesterday, I ordered our glider. Next week we have a shopping trip planned to get some remaining things for the nursery. I have a baby shower at the end of the month, and some people (overachievers) have already bought stuff off my registries! Our diaper bag and high chair were the first to go.

In April we have our childbirth classes and a second shower, and in May our breastfeeding classes. I went into this with the goal of having everything possible prepared for baby four weeks before my due date. That deadline is really creeping up on us, now.

Baby continues to be a flutterbug, and I feel like I can definitely discern his butt when I press on my belly. I can't wait to meet him : )

21 week update and prenatal yoga

Last night I went to my first prenatal yoga class.

It was great timing. I stepped on the scale yesterday for the first time in 5 weeks, and I’ve gained 15 pounds already. I’m nervous that I’ll gain the maximum 35 pounds recommended, and I’ve been doing jack shit when it comes to exercise. I’ve kind of shot myself in the foot when it comes to taking the weight off easily after delivery.

Prenatal yoga was great. There were five of us, two at 28 weeks, one at 24 or 26 (I can’t remember), me at 21, and one at 16. It was nice to be around other pregnant women and compare bumps and symptoms. I helped set up the class, and one girl is my old college roommate, while another is a girl I met through my Resolve support group.

The yoga itself was nice. Relaxing but still challenging, and I felt limber and opened up when I left, just like I used to from regular yoga classes. I have been practicing yoga for 8 years, and this is a new territory for me, but I like it.

Most of all, it was nice to be around four other pregnant women and feel included. Last year, being stuck in a room with four belly bumps would have been a unique form of torture. But I belong now. I’m not saying it’s right to feel that way, but I do feel that way, and it was comforting. Of course part of me feels hugely guilty for this.

At the end, someone floated the idea of starting a Mommy and Me class in the fall once everyone’s little ones had arrived. It’s still weird to think I’ll be a mom in August, although my husband says I’m a mom now.

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Other updates: The crib and the changing table have been assembled. The crib took one hour and only had 7 pieces total. The changing table took three hours, had a gazillion pieces, and we almost got divorced building it. The dresser came yesterday and neither of us have touched it. It’s the same brand as the changing table and it’s just too soon, the wounds are still too fresh ; )

My mobile is done and I hung it above the crib. I have two baby showers scheduled (3/31 at 30w4d, 4/28 at 34w4d). I am over the bug I had last week and feel MUCH better.

We are registering in two and a half weeks and I have a list created. I will post it another day and ask for feedback.

Thank you all for staying with me even though my blog is so boring these days.