Last night, I was in the bathroom, doing my thang. When I was done, I wiped. (I find this is, generally, the hygienic and comfortable thing to do.) A split second after I dropped the toilet paper in the bowl, I thought to myself “Wait a minute, was that spotting?”
Then I sat on the toilet and debated for a minute. Was it spotting? I think it was spotting. Maybe I should pick it back up and check.
That’s right folks. I actually wondered if I should reach my hand into the toilet water – the toilet water I had JUST URINATED IN MOMENTS AGO – to examine the wet TP. Jesus. This is a new low, even for me.
The reason I was so excited about the spotting is that I thought it might be implantation. I estimated that I ovulated last Friday, based on my sore boobs, etc. We had sex on Saturday, so it would have been decent timing.
But no, this morning I woke up to a full flow.
For those of you playing along at home, that means my last cycle was 17 days.
What’s the point really? Just to frustrate me? This one will probably be 50 just to confuse me even more thoroughly.
I thoroughly fail at the period thing. I take 2000 mgs of Metformin every godforsaken day and yet I have a 17 day cycle. I hate you, PCOS.
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In other news, this pisses me off. “Instead of dwelling on what you don’t have…go on a bike ride.” Fuck that. Usually, people can’t go on bike rides on Mother’s day because they’re forced to spend the whole goddamn day celebrating moms, which usually involves going out to brunch and seeing thousands of happy families and spending lots of money and maybe even traveling.
Doesn’t leave a lot of room for leisurely eating breakfast or baking cupcakes.
We’re not allowed to just ignore our moms on Mother’s day (well, I’m allowed to ignore my MIL this year because she’ll be out of the country, but that’s just a one-time blessing by the grace of god or someone who likes me up there). We have to celebrate moms and our SILs who are moms and our grandmas and our aunts and just doing that reminds us that EVERY WOMAN IN THE WORLD HAS A CHILD EXCEPT US.
We spend every day trying not to “dwell on what we don’t have.” Mother’s day just makes it especially hard.
I usually like that writer’s posts, and she is apparently an IFer herself, but seriously. You can’t tell someone who just had a miscarriage to go on a bike ride and get over it.
9 comments:
Wow, I didn't like that post either! How absurdly off-the-mark.
I am so sorry that AF showed and so early too! What a bummer. (((HUGS)))
And you're not alone in feeling like everyone else in the world has a kid but you! I am right there with ya, sister!
{{hugs}}
Going for a bike ride for me means I pass 25 children on my block alone. We're the only ones that don't have kids.
I wish there was an anti-mother's Day celebration in a similar vein to anti-valentines day. Like a meeting at a bar that doesn't allow children. Each woman gets a rose and the first drink is free.
Don't get me wrong, I love my mother and plan to call her Sunday and Monday (her birthday) but that doesn't mean I can't mourn too.
AF is due on Monday but it won't surprise me at all if she shows up on Sunday.
UGH.
What nice breakfast with my husband? Doesn't she mean the big, huge FAMILY BRUNCH where we celebrate all the mothers? Where I, once again, do NOT get a little flower, because those are for the mommies?
Ride a bike? WTF. Though I'm not currently stimming or recouperating from a transfer, many infertiles are, so that's a pretty lame-ass suggestion.
Make cupcakes? Uh...ok. So I can give them to moms?
Or should I celebrate all my dead embryos and my miscarriage, because that's the kind of mom I am?
*ROLLS EYES*
Anyway. Sorry about your 17-day cycle.
So, basically, just relax and go on a bike ride and everything will work out? Super.
Also, I had a similar early AF experience recently. Sucky sucky sucky.
PS Love Denver Laura's anti-mother's day idea. I'm celebrating by awarding myself points for predicting hurtful comments. But meeting at a bar would be even better!
I've been fooled by the spotting/implantation/AF arrival thing before as well. So effen' cruel.
And I hope this makes sense but I think the issue with what this blogger wrote (in my opinion) is she would have been better off saying what SHE was feeling and what she planned to do on Mother's Day instead of telling us what to do. Do you know what I mean? If you talk in the first person instead of "shoulding" all over people, they can say, "Hey, if it makes her happy to ride a bike, fine. That's not for me." But instead, she tells you what you could do to feel better... and that just doesn't work. Besdies, I'm one of those annoying types that whenever says someone says I should do something, I immediately don't want to do it!
Sorry about the crazy cycle.
I found your blog from cycle sista and just started following. I also have PCOS and feel about the same way as you about it. Looking forward to reading more!
Lulu, this is great post and also like Jay's comment that bloggers shouldn't tell us what to do, but write in first person about what helps or hurts them.
I was struck this year by how many of the women in our church were noticeably sad on Mother's Day. One mom ditched the after liturgy breakfast for a cry in the bathroom while her husband waited outside the door. Another girl, 23, was noticeably sad. I knew her story was she wants to be married and a mom, and her friends are all along the path and she is on the sidelines. I hugged her in the buffet line and said Happy Mother's Day. After I get home I get a text from her asking why I said that to her, because it cheered her up. I told her, "You have a mother's heart, and you were noticeably sad." I think I was right, because she wants to talk more. I hope the best for you. Bummer about the short cycle and the PCOS.
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