Nurse Useless

Next Wednesday I have an appointment with a new OBGYN. I have a few good recommendations for her, and she is the only OBGYN in town who has infertility services and the letters PCOS on her website. Whoo hoo!

Because I am just hateful and spiteful like this, I decided to make a list of the reasons I don’t trust Nurse Useless, at my current doctor’s office. Disclaimer: I love my doctor, even followed her to her current practice when she left her former practice. Unfortunately, I don’t get much time with her, and am forced to deal with Nurse Useless, who does things like this:

1. Last December I called to announce “I’m going off the pill! Wish me luck! We’re about to get pregnant folks!” I asked her what to expect and she said it may take 3 months to regain a regular cycle (ha, ya think?) She never mentioned prenatal vitamins, she never checked to see if I knew how to time ovulation, she never mentioned to limit caffeine or check out any other medications I might be on. I know I am responsible for a lot of that too, but you’d think it would cross her mind to mention it.
2. Some time in January (I think), when I was way late on my expected period, I called to see what she thought. She told me, and I quote, “Call back in April”. Well, that’s encouraging. Your bedside manner is top notch. Not to mention, December + three months does not equal April.
3. In March (I cheated), I called back, she prescribed me Provera. Okay, I guess she didn’t mess much up that time.
4. On CD45 or some shit, I called back and poured my heart out. “I’m TTC and I took Provera to start a period and I had one but it’s been a long time since that period and I had a positive ovulation test but now I’m thinking maybe it was a false positive, and I’m starting to get nervous that it’s been like four months since I went off BCP and my cycle is all effed up. What do you think?” And her response was “What pharmacy do you use?” WTF? So I asked “What are you prescribing me?” And she said Provera. Hello! I don’t want any Provera. So I tentatively said “I have a lot more questions and I don’t know--” at which point she cut me off and told me that maybe I should come in and talk to the doctor. Ya think??
5. At said doctor’s appointment, I was tentatively diagnosed with PCOS, given Provera to start a cycle, and told to report for Day 3 bloodwork for the official diagnosis. CD1 was on a Friday, which meant the blood draw had to be on Sunday. On Friday morning when I called to make the appointment, she told me to fast for 8 hours for my blood glucose test (only when prompted – I had to ask about fasting). That afternoon I consulted Dr. Google, who told me the fast was 12 hours. I called the hospital where the lab was ordered and yes, indeedy I needed to fast for 12 hours. That four hours made a huge difference when you consider I went to have bloodwork done on Sunday morning and was at a bachelorette party that Saturday night.
6. The following Thursday, she called at 4:27 (three minutes before the office closed) to give me the results of my bloodwork. She left me a voicemail saying “Your bloodwork is normal, call me if you have any questions.” Say what? We don’t want the bloodwork to be normal, we want to see that I have PCOS so we can diagnose me. I called back but the phones were off. It was Thursday afternoon of Memorial Day weekend, the office was only open from 8-12 the next day, and during those hours I would be on an airplane on my way to California. I was not about to spend the next four days in a state of panic about the cryptic voicemail she left. So I called my doctor on call, who called the nurse, who said that oh, whoops, actually we were still waiting on some of the labs. NICE. Useless, I tell you.
7. When I started on the Metformin I felt like crap for a month. About halfway through I called to see what I could do to ease the side effects. She told me to reduce my carb intake. I said “Hm, that’s funny, my pharmacist told me to increase my carb intake, is that not right?” At which point she said “hang on”, put me on hold, and then came back and said “yes, increase your carb intake.” (it’s all the same thing, really, right?)
8. When I had been on Metformin for 10 weeks, I called to verify that I knew what the plan was (Provera, clomid, ultrasound, etc). She told me we could get started on the Provera early. I was all like YAY OMGZ LOLZ !!!one!! And then I said “Hang on, even though my last Provera-induced period was only two weeks ago and I’ve only been on Metformin 10 weeks instead of the required 12. And she’s all like Yes, I will call your Provera in to the pharmacy. And then later called back and acted all shocked about when my last period started and said I couldn’t take the Provera for two more weeks. Shocker.
9. Even with all the confirming and verifying I did, she neglected to mention that there might be a shot involved at the ultrasound, if everything went well. I think that she didn’t ever know that would be the case.

And that brings us to the present, and explains a little bit about how excited I am to potentially switch to another office.  

decoding the symptoms

Last night my nipples were so sore that it hurt to lie down on my stomach in bed. Today I have some serious clear/white discharge going on *down there*. I also have painful rumblings in my abdomen which could either be menstrual cramps or just more of the same uncomfortable constipation I’ve had since Saturday (skipped class last night and still never went you-know-what, darnit).

So I sent A a super romantic email today:

I feel like there might be a miniscule chance I’m ovulating. We should go up stairs tonight just in case. Sound like a plan? : )

I know, I know - men and women all over the world are swooning at my seductive skills. Don’t you wish your girlfriend was infertile like me?

Today is CD24, which would mean a pretty late ovulation if that’s what this is. It could also be PMS (don’t forget on Sunday I had some serious hormones going on, including THE RAGE). If it’s PMS I’m going to take that as a good sign. If I actually have a non-Provera-induced-period, I’d have to think that’s a step forward.

I remember about a week before we were scheduled to start Provera for this cycle, I had similar symptoms. Sore nips and vague could-be-cramp feelings. I didn’t write it down, but now I’m guessing that was around September 9, maybe? And then I was surprised that my period came on Day 5 of Provera, which would have been 10 days after the symptoms. Is it possible these are ovulation signs? Or is that just being too hopeful?

I have some leftover OPKs at home and in a fit of optimism I took one on CD 13 or 14. It was negative, although the line was *almost* as dark as the control. The next day I took another one and there were two lines; however, I had thrown out the box this brand came in and didn’t know which window was the control…haha! I’m a pretty terrible infertile.

I had to stop by the drugstore over my lunch break (and by had to, I mean I needed candy), and I debated all the way there about whether or not I should buy some more OPKs. I decided not to. There’s a risk of a false positive due to the PCOS anyway, so no use getting my hopes up. Plus, if I am ovulating now, I should have taken the test on Sunday or Monday.

I did break down and buy some HPTs. Sigh. What a terrible weakening of willpower that was. These odd symptoms aside, this Saturday is CD28, which would be a great time to test if indeed this had been a normal 28 day cycle. (Oh! That’s funny!) So I thought maybe I should have some HPTs at home – plus, I’m supposed to call the doctor next Friday (CD 34) with the results of a HPT, so I’ll definitely need one then. If it’s positive (I’m crying, I’m laughing so hard!) then I’ll get prenatals and such, if it’s negative, I’ll get more Provera and get to start this clomid business over again with 100 mg.

The one where lemon bars ruin my marriage

Today is Monday and it's the day I should be at yoga class. But I'm not.

I have gone to this yoga class every Monday since February and the only time I missed was for our anniversary. I made sure I told my teacher multiple times in advance that I would miss, because I didn't want to be a yoga slacker. Also because I adore my teacher and she's the sweetest thing ever.

But I spent all weekend with (literally) crippling constipation that has gotten a bit better but still has me alternately clutching my abdomen/weeping and running to the bathroom thinking I'm about to have explosive diarrhea (which I did on Friday, at Meijer. yay).

So today at work the idea of spending the evening at home being lazy and extremely close to a private bathroom at all times just seemed too delicious to pass up.

I blame my Metformin for the intestinal distress. For as long as I have been on it, I've swung back and forth between constipation and diarrhea. However, the constipation I suffered on Saturday was in a whole league of its own. I felt like there was a baseball in my gut and I could hardly bend at the waist.

So, Infertility: 1, my colon: 2

There has been another thing going on, and I'm wondering if I can blame on infertility and get away with it. And that is...RAGE. Pure rage of the kind you feel when you're a teenager and your parents exist. The kind of rage that you feel when your husband dares to touch you at the grocery store. RAGE.

While I am not currently taking clomid or BCP or any sort of hormones other than whateverthehellisinthe Metformin, I blame it on the whole infertility thing.

The conversations go a little like this:

A: What's wrong, sugar?
Lulu: I HATE YOU AND YOU SUCK AND I HATE MY LIFE.
A: Are you going to be okay?
Lulu: Yes, it's just that I can't cut my lemon bars and it's so devastating I might never recover. AH!
A: Can I do anything to help?
Lulu: STOP FUCKING TALKING TO ME I HATE YOU SO MUCH!

And on and on.

Can you blame a girl? My cousin just announced her pregnancy on facebook with a darling little video and I have really painful shit in my intestines.

open letter to the universe

Dear Universe,

I promise I deserve a baby more than my facebook friend, who just had a beautiful little boy and named him...

BODIE.

Love,
Lulu

Silly Catholics

I was raised Catholic, but the Catholic faith has never resonated with me. I have never felt comfortable praying or with organized religion in general, and while I believe in some sort of higher power, I don’t believe in the archaic rules prescribed by the Catholic faith.

Two examples:

1. From USCCB: IUI (intrauterine insemination) of "licitly obtained" (normal intercourse) but technologically prepared semen sample.

The sperm are collected from a perforated condom after normal intercourse, washed, and then injected into the uterine cavity, bypassing the cervix to avoid "hostile" mucus. Cervical mucus hostility is an immunological reaction brought about by several known, and some unknown factors. A postcoital test would find no living sperm in mucus during the fertile phase. Other treatments for cervical mucus hostility include abstinence for two years to allow the antibodies to diminish or disappear, or the use of condoms (not acceptable for Catholics). Various treatments with steroids have been tried without much success.

The logistics of this boggle my mind. IUI is okay, but only if the guy doesn’t masturbate to provide his sperm sample, because masturbation is a sin. So you have to collect the sperm by having sex while wearing a condom, but because Catholics condemn birth control, the infertile couple has to make sure they’re not blocking conception by perforating the condom.  

2. From The Catholic Insight: In IVF, a fertilizable ovum is removed from a woman's ovary and put in a petri dish (the Latin for dish is vitrum) to which a few concentrated drops of sperm are added. On the third or fourth day the fertilized ovum is put in the woman's womb. Only a small percentage of fertilized ova result in a child being born. The other children are lost or killed. 

The instances of infertility can be increased by previous venereal disease, late childbearing, the previous use of intra-uterine devices, irreversible tubal ligation, and previous abortion, for all of which a woman might be responsible. IVF also is expensive. 

No person and no couple has a right to a child. A child is a person with rights; it is not merely an object, a possession. A doctor treats disease; he should not do what is over and above the goal of health. He is allowed to treat a woman for a condition causing infertility, but not to "manufacture" her child. And medical treatment of the woman is often more successful than IVF in overcoming infertility.

Other considerations are that (1) in IVF, imperfect sperm are not screened out as they are in natural conception, (2) imperfect or supernumerary foetuses are often killed, (3) more children are born prematurely, with problems resulting from this; (4) medical problems for a woman can occur in IVF more than in natural pregnancy; and (5) the whole process is a degradation of parenthood, which should begin with an intimate and profoundly personal expression of love. 

Sometimes the ova that are put in the petri dish come not from a man's wife but from another woman, or the sperm fertilizing his wife's ova come from another man. This can easily result in psychological and legal problems, and certainly results in a moral one. 

Questons: What is the status of this teaching?

Answer: . For the reasons given, the Church considers IVF to be mortally sinful. Indeed, one of these reasons is sufficient of itself to outlaw the practice: the degrading of the two-in-one-flesh unity of parents by deflating the importance of the flesh as a vehicle of love in the formation of new life. 

My problems with this way of thinking (and there are many) include the following:

1)      Saying that infertility can often be caused by previous STD or abortion, and blatantly putting the blame for infertility on the woman, is irresponsible, dishonest, hurtful, and just plain factually inaccurate.

2)      “medical treatment of the woman is often more successful than IVF in overcoming infertility” Really? I’d like to hear more about that, because it’s not like women are just dying to do IVF. It’s almost always a last resort when all other treatments have failed.

3)       Is it true that imperfect sperm are screened out in natural conception?

4)      “the whole process is a degradation of parenthood, which should begin with an intimate and profoundly personal expression of love.” NICE. What about parenthood that begins with rape? That child is somehow less worthy because it wasn’t conceived in a profoundly personal expression of love?

Silly Catholics. All your rules are written by men, anyway.

Disappointment playlist by Lulu

1. Throw it all Away - Brandi Carlile
2. Tell Me There's a Reason - Girlyman
3. Devotion - Indigo Girls
4. Downpour - Brandi Carlile
5. The Story - Brandi Carlile
6. Yellow - Coldplay
7. Bitter Sweet Symphony - The Verve (high school, anyone?)
8. Poker Face (Glee Cast Version) - Glee Cast (only if you're a lame Gleek like me -- I don't think the Lady Gaga version will do the trick)
9. Let Me Go Easy - Indigo Girls
10. Turn! Turn! Turn! (To Everything There is a Season) - The Byrds
11. Ob La Di, Ob La Da - The Beatles
12. Breathless - Taylor Swift (shut up)
13. Become You - Indigo Girls
14. Let it Be - The Beatles
15. Over The Rainbow (Glee Cast Version)

This is the CD I made on Wednesday after the disappointing ultra sound. It has a couple of other songs on there, but they don't really fit. It starts out nice and slow and depressing (so you can get in a good cry) and by the end you're feeling like life is okay, after all.

Happy listening!

out of the closet

This weekend I outed myself to my family through email. I'm glad I did it but I'm feeling a bit emotionally depleted from the whole thing.

Not to mention...they all think I am better friends with God than I am.