Monday, July 16, 2012

Going back to work.

I go back to work three weeks from tomorrow. I am dreading it so much that I don't know if I'll even be able to enjoy my last three weeks on maternity leave.

All I think about is how much I do not want to go back. I don't think I can do it.

When I go back, my husband will watch Alex Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and a dear, trusted babysitter will watch him Tuesday and Thursday. And that's great, it's really an ideal situation, except for the fact that it would be more ideal for me to be with him every day. I want to be with him every day. I want his every minute.

I want to be in charge of his routine. I want to see all of his smiles. I want to change all of his diapers.

I want to keep breastfeeding all day long. I don't want to switch to primarily pumping.

I don't want to go sit in corporate America in a cubicle all day long while other people raise my baby. I worked too hard for his little life.

The thing is, I'm our primary breadwinner. And my baby needs me to work so that he can have cars to ride around in, and a nice house with his own little nursery. He needs me to work so he can go to the doctor and have good health insurance.

In the next three weeks, I have to find a way to think about going back to work as something good I'm doing for my baby. I need to stop thinking of it as a death sentence. Because it feels like a death sentence.


BMar said...

I feel your pain! It's all I think about. I just posted a similar post yesterday:(. Keep your head up ( easier said than done!).

Anonymous said...

Oh Lulu, I feel for you. I will be in the same boat before too long myself and already feel envious of friends who manage to be stay at home mums... even though I don't even know what that is like yet! I think you're absolutely right about finidng a way to see this positively, and like you say, it's so great it will be your husband three days a week. lots of hugs ot you (caliopej)

Jem said...

I feel your pain!! I don't want to go back either.

Still A Guest Room said...

I know this must be so hard, but you are definitely serving your baby well by providing! Thinking of you...enjoy these three weeks!

Words Like Swords said...

Hi there. I have never read your blog, but I remember feeling EXACTLY this way back in April and May. I thought the world was going to end leaving my little girl. And I still wish I could be a SAHM. The first two weeks were really, really hard. But it honestly has gotten easier. I live for weekends, but there's also something to be said for walking in the door, having my little girl notice me, and her eyes light up as she squeals in delight that her momma is home. It's probably the best feeling I've ever had, and I don't think it would be the same if I was there with her all day. It is hard, but it feels good to know you're doing the right thing for your baby, and you'll find you enjoy every moment you spend together even more. That's how it worked for us anyway, and I hope it will be the same for you!

Words Like Swords said...

Oh! And scrolling down, I saw you mention reflux. E had reflux, too, and the rock n play has been a lot of peace of mind for us. I get so scared of her on her back, so this way she's at an incline. She's actually sleeping through the night. Also if the zantac doesn't do it, try Prevacid. We've been on it for a month now and only had maybe 1 day where her reflux bothered her!

Alex said...

I definitely felt the same way before going back to work! But try not to let these feelings hurt your last few weeks of leave. Cherish this time. It does get easier being at work over time, but I look forward to seeing my little Alex so much all day long. Honestly though, I think I'm better with her during the time I do have with her, because I cherish each and every moment so much! Hang in there!!!

Amanda said...

I can't even imagine what it would be like to go back to work after such a short period of time. In Canada we get a year - and even that seems short!! I feel so bad for you ladies in the U.S who don't get much time at all :(

HUGS! Try and enjoy the next few weeks with your little bundle!