One month

Dear Alexander-

Today you are one month old! I can't believe it. A month ago today I woke up and you were still in my belly. Now, you are a real live person who has been around for four weeks and three days.

The past month has been the most amazing and also the most humbling in my life. You showed up in this world with your soft skin, your tiny cooing noises, and your beautiful face and you absolutely pulled the rug out from under me. I had no idea I could feel such powerful love for someone so small, and I also had no idea how much work someone so small could be.

The first couple of weeks were rough. I cried a lot from hormones and lack of sleep. But even in the most frustrating and exhausting moments, I loved you with every fiber of my being.

You have taught me so much already. You've taught me that I really can survive without a routine (mainly because I have no choice, but still). I've learned that my needs are so minor now. I don't care if I need to eat or I'm thirsty - if I'm feeding you and you look content, I can wait. It doesn't matter that I'd rather sleep on my tummy - if you are contentedly sleeping on my chest, I'll sleep on my back for hours.

Everyone who meets you falls in love with you. But, in a way, you are still all mine. Not quite as much as when I was pregnant with you, but I still know you in a way that others do not. I am the only one who can feed you. I understand you the best (daddy understands you well, too, but not quite like I do). Your face has started changing when you hear my voice. You sleep best in my arms. You are completely dependent on me, and it is as flattering as it is overwhelming. You need me at least every two and a half hours when you get hungry, and while it means I don't get much else done, there's nothing I'd rather be doing.

I think that motherhood, for me, is always going to include a bit of mourning. Already a whole month has passed of your life that I will never get back. You are still so small and cuddly - while I look forward to watching you grow up, I know that I will miss this time with an ache I can't imagine once you are running around, being a little boy.

Right now you are asleep on me because we just got done nursing. I want you to know that you are the perfect baby. You have made all of my dreams come true.

Love,
Mom