Dear Baby

Dear Baby-
There are so many unknowns, and they have been keeping mommy awake at night.

Will you be healthy? What will you look like? How small will you really be? Are you going to have your daddy's gorgeous eyes? I kind of hope one part of you is really chubby, your cheeks or your little thighs or something. I hope you're not so little that there's nothing to squeeze and pinch - that would make me sad.

Will you be a happy baby, or angry that you came into this world a tiny bit early? What will be your favorite way to be held? Are you going to like my breasts or are they going to frustrate your tiny body and be disregarded for a bottle?

And these are just the unknowns in your first few days. There are so many other things in your life I can't predict.

So let's focus on what we do know.

When know what we're going to name you. We know that we are doing the best thing by delivering you early. We know that both you and I have good doctors to care for us, and a daddy/husband who is going to make the early days so much more comfortable. We know that you have a dog brother and sister at home who are going to be relieved when you are finally here and they can stop waiting for some unknown event to occur.

We know that we will love you with all of our hearts, no matter what shape you're in when you are born. And I guess that's all that matters.

The craziest day

Well yesterday was crazy.

The baby did great on the NST, which was a relief. When my OB came in the room, she started by telling us that the baby is above the 3rd percentile in growth, which is good, but is less than 10%, which is not-so-good. Then, without ceremony, she said "So we're going to deliver at 37 weeks."

I really wasn't surprised by this at all, but all of the blood left my husband's face. I've never seen him look like that before in my life! He kind of gasped out loud. He looked like he might cry or throw up. My OB kept glancing at me like "is he going to be okay?"

We discussed the things that may happen after delivery, and the necessity of a c-section in this case. I asked if any tests would be done to determine lung function, and she said quite bluntly no, because it doesn't matter, he needs to come out regardless of how his lungs are. I asked if I'd get a steroid shot and she said there's really no use for it after 34 weeks.

So, that's settled. I was feeling pretty okay with it all, besides being concerned for A. He still looked quite shaken. All in all, it took him about an hour to come to terms with the fact that we have just a few days remaining in this pregnancy, as opposed to the weeks he thought we had.

The timing works great this way. He's on break between semesters, so he'll have a solid three weeks to stay home with me and the baby before going back to work. I'm happy about that, especially since I'll need TLC too while I'm recovering from the c-section.

Me? Well, my emotions are all over the place. I am a bit of a mess.

Overall, I'm excited to meet my son on Tuesday. I'm also scared that he won't be as healthy as he would have been if he could have baked a bit longer. I'm terrified that he'll have to go to the NICU and I'll have hours or days before I can hold him. I feel sort of like a failure that I can't grow him any longer. I thought IUGR was usually an issue with uterus shape or something, which I didn't think I needed to worry about.

I'm a little sad that I'll never experience any labor. I'll never know what a contraction feels like. It's disappointing, but it kind of fits the theme of how this pregnancy began: everything was very clinical, scientific, deliberate. No room for having a bottle of wine and a romantic evening to conceive your child - we're doing the painful retrieval, ICSI, just about as interventionist as you can possibly get. Similarly, there's no time to languish at home, waiting for contractions and a bloody show, 18 hours of labor. Nope, get that baby out of there so he can start growing.

I'm quite nervous about how all of this will impact breastfeeding. The issue of his growth puts a lot of pressure on me to produce and do it well and do it quickly. Also, if he can't be with me right away, we're kind of setting ourselves up for problems in that department, aren't we?

I'm a little scared of a c-section. Not too scared, because I know so many women who have had one that it can't be that bad, but just scared of something new happening to my body involving a scalpel and lots of anesthesia.

I'm overwhelmed to know exactly what day my pregnancy will end. I will wake up on Tuesday and that's the last day I'll be pregnant for years - what if it's my last day, ever, being pregnant? I'm trying to memorize the way this little one feels when he moves inside me, because what if I never feel that again?

So yeah, lots of strands in the old duder's head here. I'm going to keep busy this weekend cleaning and trying to get a lot of rest. In just a week we'll be home from the hospital with our baby.

5/15 will be a nice birthday

Baby is growth restricted and will be delivered at 37 weeks. There will be a scheduled c-section since he’s breech.

So that means…next Tuesday, May 15.

We were warned that there may be some NICU time, or he may come out breathing just fine. Either way, it’s time for him to come out of me.

Update - baby drama

So I got to my ultrasound this afternoon. The first thing the tech said was “Do you think he has turned?” I said “No, his head is right here”, and I pointed. I was right! Still breech.

Then the measurements started. I knew right away we had an issue. I am 36w2d and the measurements were rolling in primarily around 32-34 weeks, I saw one at 29w5d (that was the head).

We waited 30 minutes between the ultrasound and my visit with the NP. I think they were talking the whole time, going over my scan. My husband also saw the small measurements and said “I think you’re going to go over your due date because he’s so small.” I didn’t have the heart to tell him what I thought was probably coming!

Basically, we got the c-section talk, and the early baby talk. The NP didn’t want to speak for my OB, but said that the baby hasn’t grown much and is still measuring small. Basically, it might be better to get him out earlier so he can breastfeed, than keep him inside where he’s not growing well.

My OB is going to call me tomorrow with a plan. Options range from “let’s do another growth scan later and decide then” to “I’m sending you for a level 2 ultrasound for better measurements” to “let’s do an amnio to check lung function and deliver early”.

I asked a ton of questions. I verified that we’re still thinking small baby not birth defects or something’s really wrong here. The NP said that if I were 30 weeks and we were seeing such a slow down in growth, she’d be very concerned. But since I’m over 36, there’s not much to worry about.

I wasn’t surprised by anything they said. My husband, on the other hand, was a little shocked to hear we may be having this baby SOON.

UPDATE: The doctor’s office just called. I’m to go in for a non-stress test tomorrow morning and meet with my OB afterwards. I’ll keep you posted!

the smug mommy club

I work in a department of 25 people. I am the only one of the 25 who does not have children. In the department, there are three units. My unit consists of me and five other women (plus my supervisor). Four of us are the same age, while the two others are 45 and 60+.

On some days, the girls at work are my best friends. They give great advice and listen to me blow off steam when I need to. They threw me a baby shower, inundated me with hundreds of dollars of hand-me-downs (including a top-of-the-line breast pump), and supported me through all of my infertility/IVF stuff.

On other days, I want to go home and crawl in bed and never talk to them again. They can so quickly become vicious, undercutting, and cruelly judgmental. They are strong, working mothers who for some reason can’t feel confident in their identities and have to constantly cut down the choices and actions of other women.

In my head I have started referring to this as the “smug mommy club”. Because even though they clearly have deep insecurities about their child rearing (as I’m sure all parents do), they act as though they always know the best thing for their child, and for everyone else’s child.

But they don’t.

These women supported me so graciously through the early, scary weeks of pregnancy. Then, they made me feel worthless for choosing cloth diapers, even though they knew nothing about modern cloth. They celebrated milestones of the pregnancy with me, but I have intentionally withheld our choice not to circumcise because I know it will make me the subject of ridicule.

The worst part is that these women are my friends. I count them among people I truly care about. Usually, they are great people. It’s just that sometimes the smug mommy switch flips on and I can’t be around them.

As much whining as I’ve done on this blog, I have gotten through almost all of this pregnancy without becoming the whiny, self-absorbed pregnant woman I used to hate. At least, I feel like I have.

I hope that means I can become a mother without unintentionally joining the smug mommy club. I want no part of that.

Happy nine months!

Well, as of yesterday I am 36 weeks – or 9 months – pregnant. You better believe I’m going to remind my husband of this frequently. You want me to do the dishes? I’m 9 months pregnant! I need another nap, honey, I’m 9 months pregnant. Can you share your candy, please, I’m NINE MONTHS PREGNANT! ; )

Everything feels surreal these days. Nothing seems important except this baby. I don’t care about work (at all), and in the evenings all I do is watch tv or read and think “This is one of my last nights of just relaxing”. Last night I woke up around 3 and couldn’t fall back asleep for an hour. My husband woke up too and we talked about what the baby is going to be like. Mentally, I am 100% baby, all day long, all the time.

The hospital bag is packed, sitting by the door along with the car seat, a Boppy pillow, and a little sticky note of things that should be thrown in the bag last minute (my husband’s contact solution and case, our camera, etc).

I have a growth ultrasound and appointment tomorrow. I’m a bit nervous because, if we believe the scale, I have lost a pound in the past two weeks. I feel like I have definitely gotten bigger though, so I guess we’ll see what the doctor says.

Friday we’re both going to the mall where they’re having a car seat installation event. Once we do that and we put the swing together, we are officially as prepared as we can be for this little one.

Let’s just hope it’s not another 6 weeks before he gets here! I think a 39 week baby would be perfect : )

35w5d, ramblings

1. We finished our childbirth class, which I loved. Every approach was covered: epidural vs some pain killers vs natural birth; c-section, vaginal, and assisted deliveries, etc. I feel much more prepared just knowing the process that will happen either way I deliver.
2. Last week we also took a two-part breastfeeding class. The information was pretty general but I still learned a lot. She told us how to manually express our milk, so I tried it when I got home. Seriously! There is baby juice in my breasts! It dropped out 3-4 drops from each side! I was so amazed by this, and also a tiny bit freaked out. I certainly have more respect for my breasts now. It was nice to get to know the lactation consultant I'll be working with.
3. The LC told us that they give mom and baby a “golden hour” immediately after delivery to try to nurse, skin to skin. I had a very stressful morning last week trying to explain this to my mom, who just wants "five minutes" with the baby before I start to nurse. For now, the plan is my husband just won't announce that the baby has been born until we're ready for visitors.
4. We went on a Serious Shopping Extravaganza with all of our gift cards to get remaining things off of our registry. We are almost 100% ready to bring baby home now. The only big thing we have left is to install our car seat bases and assemble the swing when it arrives.
5. I am 99% sure baby is still breech. I feel kicks that are low and internal (like, on my organs, not my abdomen), and I think I feel his head lodged against my right side. The other night he started making really jerky movements, butting his head against the skin under my right ribcage. I was like "You can't get out that way! Point your head at my hoo-ha, there's an escape hatch down there!"
6. I have another ultrasound to check growth on Thursday, and I meet with the NP. Then I go to weekly appointments.