Please, dear god, help me help him sleep.

My son still doesn’t sleep well at night. He’s 4 months on Saturday and everything I’ve read on the subject says he should be sleeping at least six hours at a time by now. We celebrate when we get three.

I have tried everything. I have changed his reflux medicine. His mattress is on an incline. There is a humidifier. There is swaddling. There is white noise. There is darkness. There is frequent nursing.

I’m out of ideas.

He goes to bed around 7. We do our bedtime routine and I put him down in his bassinet, awake, and he puts himself to sleep. It’s just that he doesn’t stay asleep very long, and he can’t put himself back to sleep.

Maybe 5% of the time I can get him back to sleep with a re-swaddle and a pacifier, but 95% of the time I have to nurse him.

An important distinction: he does not “nurse to sleep”. He’s awake when I put him back down. It’s just that nursing is the only thing that relaxes him enough to get back to sleep.

I’m so torn on what to do next. His four month appointment is next week and I know the pediatrician will encourage me to do CIO or controlled crying.

I go back and forth on this. Do I think my son will suffer long-term damage from CIO? Most likely, no. Do I think I can be there, hearing him scream for his mommy, and just ignore him? Absolutely not.

Do I think that the parents who are super judgmental about CIO are probably getting more sleep than I am, not waking up 5x a night (as if with a newborn), while still needing to appear professional and coherent the next day? Yes.

Part of me thinks that he will figure it out on his own if I’m just patient enough. Part of me thinks that I am seriously going to have a mental breakdown soon and in order for us all to be happier during the day, we need to do something drastic.

Lately I have been doing a dream feeding between 9:30-10:30, and after that he may sleep till 12:30-1 ish. Then he is awake in another two hours. Once we hit 3am, all hell breaks loose. He always wakes up at 3, 4, and 5, and somewhere in there I always give up and bring him into bed with me. My alarm goes off at 6.

He’s still in his bassinet, because I can’t imagine having to actually walk into another room all of those times in the night. That’s another thing – do I need to get him used to the crib before we start serious sleep training? It seems heartless to plunk him down somewhere totally alien and then let him scream.

Everything inside me rejects the idea of CIO. But I also can’t keep functioning like this. And really, neither can he. He needs more rest than he’s getting.

I don’t know what my next step is.

Breastfeeding predicament

I’m in a predicament, because I am so damn stubborn.

When I felt like breastfeeding was established, I set myself a goal of 6 months. We booked a vacation for March, when Alexander will be 10 months old. Perfect, I thought, he’ll be weaned by then.

Now I cringe.

I can’t wean him at six months. That’s only two and a half months away! The thought of weaning makes me hurt inside. I’ve been given this gift – of breastfeeding going relatively smoothly – and I just can’t stop doing it without a good reason.

So now I’m in a predicament. Our vacation is four nights and we’ll be away from Alex for about seven days total. The internet indicates a 10 month old needs 20-25 ounces of breast milk each day. I’m being generous and estimating he’ll need 30 ounces a day.

This means, if I want to keep him on exclusively breast milk while I’m on vacation, I need 210 ounces in the freezer.

COMMENCE PANIC!!!!

Right now I have 120 ounces. If I don’t use any of it (yeah right), and if I can pump 4 oz every weekend and freeze it, then I can do it. But those are big Ifs.

Another big issue: I’m already adding a fourth pumping session in the evenings at home just to get what I feel he needs for the day, because I come up .75 oz total short at work. (I should stop, right? A quarter of an ounce less in each bottle isn’t going to leave him hungry, RIGHT?)

My plan for vacation means I literally won’t be able to go a day without pumping between now and March (gahhh). It also leaves no flexibility for me to have extra breast milk to mix with oatmeal, etc.

I know what you’re thinking. GIVE HIM FORMULA WHILE YOU’RE GONE. It does seem simple. But I’m so stubborn that if there’s a way to keep him exclusively on breast milk, then I’m going to do it, damnit.

I could use some input. Feel free to tell me I’m crazy.

Word vomit

Some random things that I just want to write down so I remember them, whether or not they pertain to this blog.

#1.  My grandpa is dying. He has been ill since Alex was born, and has been in and out of hospitals. Finally he was diagnosed with brain cancer and made a halfhearted attempt at radiation before choosing hospice. Yesterday he came home to a hospital bed where his old recliner was. The doctors say it could be another 3 months, 6 months, or a year, but gradually he will begin sleeping more and his heart rate will slow and the end will come, hopefully peacefully and with as much dignity as possible.

It’s all pretty sad for me, not because my grandpa is dying per se, but because I don’t love hearing or seeing my father cry, or thinking about my grandma being alone for the rest of her life. That said, there’s something beautiful about the two of them during this time of reflection, loving each other as much as ever.

I looked at my husband last night and realized that I would be honored to give him sponge baths and change his bedpan for him up until the very end. That’s love, the kind of love I knew nothing about when we met during college.

#2.  I’m vaguely annoyed by the unbaby plug-in for facebook. Even when I was a bitter infertile, I never begrudged moms posting photos of their kids. I really don’t think it’s all that annoying. It’s certainly not more annoying or redundant than my 28 year old friends posting 150 photos of ONE single night out at a bar. I promise I’m more tired of seeing you in your skanky clothes drinking glow-in-the-dark booze out of mason jars than you are of seeing my baby.

I mean isn’t that what facebook is for? Recycling the same old statuses about the weather and work and whatever you’re doing with your time? Babies are pretty much the least annoying part of facebook. (Pregnancy announcements are perhaps a different story)

#3.  My first week back at work, pumping was a disaster. Now I have settled into a rhythm. I need 10.5 ounces every day to make three 3.5 ounce bottles for Alex the next day. I average about 9.5 ounces a day, but I’ve learned that if I pump after feedings on the weekend, I can start the week ahead and it’s much less stressful. I bought a kindle fire and have been reading a book in the mother’s room. I only read while I pump, and it’s a good book, so it helps me to actually look forward to pumping. The kindle is great for hands-free reading!

#4.  This article from Jezebel made me really sad. Sad that she had such a bad experience, sad that her LC was rough, and sad that she went into breastfeeding expecting a negative experience and then got it. Isn't that how life works out? And now she wrote this piece, which will perpetuate the negative cycle.

It's not that I think breastfeeding is the best thing in the world, and I understand it doesn't work for everyone, and I support a woman's right to choose...in every regard. But this post is so dismissive of breastfeeding. And that makes me sad because it's been a very positive experience for me, overall. Plus, the writer just turns me off with her bitchy digs on her LC's hair, makeup, jewelry, perfume, I mean seriously. That's just petty. End of rant.

#5.  I remember other things that used to make me feel like a badass. In college I was a badass because I got awesome grades and still partied and had a boyfriend and had tons of friends, all while looking super hot. (Seriously, I was hot. Sigh.)

TODAY I was a badass because my husband left at 5am and I got myself and the baby up and ready, and dropped him off at daycare for the first time ever, and made it to work on time with my hair and makeup looking decent. And no tears! I was so proud of myself!

Sleep update

Well, sleep training is officially off for a while. Remember how, at eight weeks, I started trying to get Alex back to sleep without feeding him? It worked great for a while. I could shhh him back to sleep with his pacifier, or pick him up and snuggle him back to sleep. The thought was that if I stopped feeding him every time, he’d learn to sleep through those wakeups.

Hahahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Four weeks of that and things just got worse. He started waking up more often. He would stay awake for an hour at a time, at which point it actually was time for him to eat again so I would feed him. Guess what? I’m back at work now and we can’t be having battles of will from 3-4 in the morning every night. Baby wins.

We have slid back into our old habits. Instead of trying to soothe him when he wakes, I just nurse him. It works like a charm and when I put him back in his bassinet with a full belly, he doesn’t protest a bit and he doesn’t even need a pacifier.

We are back to co-sleeping from about 3am on, whereas he used to be in his bassinet all night.

Whatevs. I don’t care at this point. Would I like to follow all the sleeping rules? Don’t nurse to sleep, don’t co-sleep? Um, don’t give up on something that you’ve started because it makes you an inconsistent terrible parent? Yes, it would be great to follow those rules but I’m not perfect.

And truth be told, I love nursing my little man in the middle of the night. I don’t get to do much nursing anymore (but I do get to do a lot of PUMPING, which is a post in and of itself). Sometimes I nurse just because, hell, I miss him and I want to.

Nursing at night might not be good for his sleep habits, but we can fix those later, right? In the meantime, it helps me feel closer to him, helps my supply, and helps me feel like I actually get to do some parenting even though I’m at work all day. And I get way more sleep myself this way.

It’s becoming clear that this kid will have to be Ferberized. I’m thinking at 5-6 months. So I’m going to enjoy the snuggly co-sleeping mornings while I can. He’s only little once.

Crunchy

We usually go to a local nature preserve to celebrate our anniversary. Our dogs love to run around there and it's fun to walk as a family. It's beautiful, lots of prairie grass and flowers. Last year we didn't go because I was too depressed, but this year we resumed our tradition.

When we first got there, Alex needed to eat. I sat down in a shaded area to nurse before we got going. My husband looked at me and laughed. "Oh, just breastfeeding in a nature preserve. When did we become hippies?" he asked me. "One day we just woke up and we were crunchy."

Things no one told me about having a baby

I was reflecting on all the things I want to remember to tell my sister and friends when they get ready to have their first babies. I thought it would be worth writing them all down. Here is a quick collection of things I feel like I learned the hard way!

Visitors - just don't have them the first 2-3 weeks, if you can help it. People want to "help", but they don't really mean it. They want to hold the baby. I can hold my own baby, and very much enjoy doing so, thank you. When they're that little, they just sleep anyway. If you want to help, I need you to do the dishes, sweep the floor, clean the toilet, go grocery shopping, make me a meal, bring me a glass of water, listen to me while I cry....there are a million things you can do to help. I felt very possessive over Alex and I got so annoyed when people would come over to hold the baby, and I ended up feeling like I needed to offer them something to drink or entertain them.

Night sweats - gross. In the first few weeks, these were so disgusting I felt like washing the sheets every day. I would sweat all night and even when I snuck in a nap. I still have them occasionally, and I'll wake up with sweat literally dripping down my chest! When they first hit, I felt like maybe I was getting sick, since I didn't feel hot but I was so sweaty. I almost took my temperature one morning! I googled it and found out this was common, but I couldn't figure out why none of my pregnancy/childbirth books mentioned it.

Postpartum hormones - I guess people did prepare me, or tried to. I was warned vaguely about the baby blues and PPD, but no one told me how completely fragile I would feel, all the time, for days. Everything made me feel like I could just fall apart. I felt like an infant myself, a lot - wandering around and crying, incapable of pulling it together. The sleep deprivation didn't help.

Appetite - this has been all over the place since Alex arrived. Initially, I had no appetite at all. I had to force myself to eat because I knew I needed to for my milk supply. I remember gagging on a granola bar, just trying to choke it down. I wonder if this is some preservation thing that kicks in, because you don't have much time to prepare food for yourself? Now, though, I can't eat enough. For instance, it's 2pm and I've had the following to eat today: a bowl of cereal, cheeze its, two fried eggs, hashbrowns, and a frozen Amy's burrito. I'm still hungry.

Nursing - when you sit down to nurse, you need to have the following things, always: your cell phone, the remote for the TV, a glass of water, a snack. Also, pee before you start. Nursing a newborn takes a good 30 minutes and once you get them latched on I promise you won't want to go anywhere.

Going poo - I have a well documented problem with constipation. During pregnancy it was awful. The first few weeks of Alex's life I was constantly in the bathroom with the opposite problem. The weird thing was that nursing stimulated my bowels. Many times I was forced to choose between taking him off the breast so I could run to the restroom, or nursing on the toilet, which seemed really really gross to me.

Leaving the house by yourself - just do it. It won't get easier, even if you wait until he's six weeks old. Try to make yourself leave the house as soon as you can get 2 ounces pumped in a bottle for someone to give the baby. Even if you only go get your oil changed, you will feel better and more like a real person.

Leaving the house with the baby - just do it. The worst that will happen is that he will scream and it will stress you out and potentially embarrass you. That has happened to everyone! You may need to nurse him in the car in the parking lot. It will be worth it to get out into the world.

You're not doing it wrong - because you will feel like you are. If the baby is fed and doesn't have a poopy butt, you're not doing it wrong, period. This one is REALLY important, because I felt like I was doing it wrong for a long time.

Support system - make sure you have one. You will need advice and people to vent to. Make sure they have the same values as you do - you don't want to blow off steam to your mother about breastfeeding if she's going to ask "why don't you just give him formula?"

Egalitarian, non-gendered parenting - I am a huge believer in this. I swore up and down that my husband and I would be totally equal when it comes to parenting. And he is a great dad and loves Alex so much. But I still feel that parenting is primarily my responsibility. I can't shake that feeling no matter what I do. When A is holding the baby and he cries, I physically cannot resist trying to take him.

More babies - you will think about this way earlier than you think you will.

Resentment - no matter how much you yearned for, tried for, and ultimately love your child, you will have moments (or okay, days) when you miss your old life. You will get on facebook and hate all of your bitchy friends who are out drinking without you. That's okay. It doesn't mean you don't love your baby. Your old life is all you know, and now you are getting used to this one, which is a great life but it does mean you don't get to have a summer suntan because you're stuck inside with a baby all day.

Moms, what did I miss?

Breastfeeding update

Alex is ten weeks old tomorrow, which means I have been exclusively breastfeeding him for ten weeks. (Well, okay, he got about 25 ml formula on his fifth day of life due to jaundice. Can we not count that? I mean it was like three gulps.)

I never thought I would feel the way that I do about breastfeeding.

When I was pregnant, it seemed like everyone I knew struggled so much with it. I anticipated supply problems because why wouldn't I have them? I had so many problems getting pregnant, I didn't have any confidence that my body could do something so (seemingly) complicated.

I took the class and I felt a little better, but still nervous. I was annoyed by all the anti-formula rhetoric the LC spouted, and I thought I would probably just nurse until I went back to work and then switch to formula.

Alex was born, and the first month of nursing was super easy. It was exhausting, yes, and very very time-consuming. But I didn't have any nipple pain at all. The only pain I experienced was at the pump.

The only thing we struggled with was communication. I had a hard time knowing when he was hungry and when he was done eating, so I kind of assumed he was always hungry, which meant I was literally nursing the majority of the day. If he fussed after nursing, I'd latch him right back on. This persists - it's still tough for me to be 100% sure he's done eating.

Alex was a very sleepy baby and I had to spend a lot of time waking him up to continue eating. But he had a good latch, was gaining weight, and his jaundice went away.

Then weeks 5, 6, and 7 hit and things fell apart. Alex became more alert and realized maybe he'd rather cry than nurse. His reflux set in and he fussed at the breast, arching his back, shaking his head, refusing to eat because of his heartburn, but then crying because he was hungry.

I cried a lot over breastfeeding during those weeks. I was at my wit's end and ready to stop. I thought about switching to pumping exclusively, I thought about switching to formula. It was about this time that I also felt so.damn.tired every minute of the day, and I was very tempted by the thought that formula would help him sleep longer at night.

But already, I felt very attached to this breastfeeding thing, which I never, ever thought would be the case. So I (stubbornly) stuck it out and we got him some good reflux medicine and we got over that awful hump.

Now, I can honestly say that I love breastfeeding. It doesn't hurt, in fact, it feels pleasurable in many ways, the way it feels good to pee after you've been holding it. It's a good excuse for me (a go, go, go person) to lie or sit down and relax for a few minutes with my baby. Now, he looks at me while he eats and sometimes smiles.

A big part of my reluctance to go back to work is the amount of nursing sessions I'm going to miss every day. I will truly miss these special moments and look forward to them on the weekends. I also worry that I won't be able to pump enough to keep up with his hunger, as I have a well-documented struggle with pumping.

I started out ambivalent about breastfeeding, willing to try it, but not particularly interested in it. But now, the thought of weaning fills me with dread. I love the feeling when my breasts feel full, knowing that there is milk in there to feed my child, and then the soft feeling once he's emptied them, knowing that he's been well nourished by my body.

Barring any troubles keeping up with pumping, I plan to nurse to six months at the very least. Ideally, I would love to go the whole first year. The biggest thing stopping me from going a whole year will be a vacation we're planning during Alex's tenth month. But first I will set my sights on that six month mark.

I feel so fortunate, because although I have worked very hard to be successful at breastfeeding, I know a lot of it has been luck. I've been lucky to have a decent supply, a full-term, healthy baby who nurses well, and virtually no pain at all. I'm thankful that this one thing has gone smoothly for me, and I hope it continues to be enjoyable during this upcoming transition.

Going back to work.

I go back to work three weeks from tomorrow. I am dreading it so much that I don't know if I'll even be able to enjoy my last three weeks on maternity leave.

All I think about is how much I do not want to go back. I don't think I can do it.

When I go back, my husband will watch Alex Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and a dear, trusted babysitter will watch him Tuesday and Thursday. And that's great, it's really an ideal situation, except for the fact that it would be more ideal for me to be with him every day. I want to be with him every day. I want his every minute.

I want to be in charge of his routine. I want to see all of his smiles. I want to change all of his diapers.

I want to keep breastfeeding all day long. I don't want to switch to primarily pumping.

I don't want to go sit in corporate America in a cubicle all day long while other people raise my baby. I worked too hard for his little life.

The thing is, I'm our primary breadwinner. And my baby needs me to work so that he can have cars to ride around in, and a nice house with his own little nursery. He needs me to work so he can go to the doctor and have good health insurance.

In the next three weeks, I have to find a way to think about going back to work as something good I'm doing for my baby. I need to stop thinking of it as a death sentence. Because it feels like a death sentence.

7 weeks

- Reflux continues to be frustrating. I'm not sure if the baby Zantac ever really helped as much as it should have, and if it did he has already outgrown his dosage. We are back to the fussy feedings and I just hate knowing he's in pain. : ( I have a call into the pediatrician about it.

- I keep remembering little details about my birth experience (like the blood pressure cuff being stuck around my elbow and the anesthesiologist trying to move it for me during surgery) that I never recorded anywhere. I get really panicky when this happens. I want to remember every second of that day. Even now I look at photos from the hospital and it seems a world away, not just 7 weeks.

- I have given up trying to use the bassinet at all and now we're just straight-up co-sleeping. I'm going to try to talk to the pediatrician about this next week at his 8 week checkup. I'm wondering if the reflux isn't a prime reason he's so comfortable on my chest, or sleeping next to me, which keeps him just slightly angled toward my body.

- One thing I never wrote on here is that we did go through with our decision not to circumcise Alex. And holy hell, was there a backlash for that. My parents were very upset, especially my dad, and my mom had a "talk" with me in the hospital to make sure I was "thinking clearly". Pretty much every single person who visited us asked when he'd be circumcised and if he'd had it done yet, so we had to explain that no, he hadn't been and he wouldn't be. It wasn't very fun being immediately put on the defensive when my baby was 72 hours old!

- We have been using the cloth diapers for a week and a half now. It's going very well. We started out with the shorter inserts and have since switched to the longer ones, and we haven't had any more leaks. Full disclosure - we are using disposables at night for more absorbency, because we still have NB size left and didn't want them to go to waste, and also to stretch my stash a bit right now. I have 25 BG 4.0s and can go three days if we use the disposables at night. I also have 5 Fuzzibunz but I haven't used those and I'm thinking of selling them - not sure yet. The cloth is a lot of laundry, but it's actually easier than I anticipated.

- I go back to work in 5 weeks and have no pants that button.

- Sunday night, Alex went 4.5 hours and then 4 hours between feedings. It was amazing. Last night he had a 4 hr 45 min stretch, and then went back to 2.5 hours. Let's hope he continues to have these 4ish hour stretches, because they're amazing!

Routine

I'll admit it: as much as I dearly adore this tiny suckling piglet newborn phase, and try to inhale every moment and memorize the softness of Alex's skin...part of me is craving the months when he operates on some sort of routine.

NOT that I'm wishing away these days. I'm on maternity leave - what else do I have to do but sleep, eat, and shower on his schedule? But still, someday it would be nice to be able to say "he goes to bed at 7:30, wakes up at 2, and sleeps till 6" instead of "he goes to bed whenever the hell he wants to and wakes up every two and a half hours to eat until he's ready to be awake."

Or "he takes three naps a day", instead of "he sleeps on and off all day, waking up to eat and stare at me for a bit and then cry until he falls back asleep."

The main parenting book I've been consulting is Baby 411 and I love it. But it's leaving me in a bit of a limbo regarding sleep. They say several places that for the first two months you have to do whatever you have to do to get some sleep, and you can't form any "habits" during that time. And by month four, baby will start to set up his own routine. That leaves me in limbo for month three, which is rapidly approaching.

So, mommies, when did your little ones fall into a sort of routine? I am mostly interested in knowing when they stretched out their night eating. We have had one stretch of 4 hours of sleep, other than that it's been all 2-3 hours between feedings, around the clock.

Did you have to guide them into a routine, or did they find it all on their own?

PS- I got an email today from Emily, who is 6dp5dt and pregnant after five miscarriages. I've never met her but I'd appreciate it if you kept her in your thoughts.

Fussybutt part 2

On Sunday, I went to meet with the LLL leader here in town for a latch check. She made some adjustments and I'm trying to get used to the new way of doing it. Mainly, she reassured me that all the fussiness was not because I was breastfeeding wrong. I really needed that confidence boost.

But it still didn't help. Monday morning was another awful feeding and as I wiped tears from my eyes afterwards, I went out to check the mail and there was an Enfamil sample on my doorstep. Well played, Enfamil. Do you have spies in my neighborhood, waiting until I am most vulnerable to give me this sample?

So we went to the pediatrician on Tuesday and it was determined Alex has reflux. That's why he's been acting like he's in so much pain - because he has baby heartburn. So we put him on baby Zantac and I think it might already be helping a little bit. Breastfeeding is definitely going better already.

So within 48 hours I went from desperately wanting to quit to enjoying it again. Crazy.

Also, he's up to 8lb, 1oz!! We took him home at 5lb, 7oz so I'm quite proud. He is six weeks old.

Fussybutt

Okay, I need some support here. I am so discouraged about breastfeeding! I thought it was supposed to get easier around 6 weeks - the past few days have been so difficult. 


Alex is so fussy now when he nurses. He'll latch for a few seconds and then unlatch and shake his head from side to side with his mouth wide open. He repeats this the entire nursing session. it's so frustrating, because not only do I constantly have to re-latch him, but I have no idea when he's done eating. 

He has also been so fussy in general lately, so it's not a breastfeeding thing, really, just that nursing is a casualty of the fussiness. He seems to be gassy pretty much all the time. He spends so much time red in the face, trying to squeeze something out. It makes me feel so bad. 


I don't think it's my diet, everything I read says that people unnecessarily blame themselves and change their diet for no reason. The pediatrician says the same thing. I've also read that they just get fussy around 5-6 weeks and it's normal. But we end up having these hour long nursing sessions because he just can't eat and by the end we're both so discouraged.

Does any of this sound familiar? I expect a baby to be fussy. It kills me that it seems like his tummy hurts, though, and that his latch has pretty much fallen apart.

5 week update

- We have thrush. I first recognized my symptoms - the shooting pain deep in my breast. Sure enough, a couple of days later I saw a tiny white spot in Alex's mouth. So tiny that the pediatrician at first denied that it was thrush, until I pressed him and he said it's a "teensy" bit of thrush that I caught "very early". Baby has a rx diaper cream and antibiotic drops. My OBGYN says to just put some of his drops on my nipples and we should both be clear soon.

- at 4 weeks, 6 days, Alex weighed 7lb 8oz!! When we brought him home he was 5lb 7oz. I can definitely tell he's getting bigger. His little arms and legs are getting chubbier and he's getting a double chin : ) at 7 lb he's technically supposed to be able to wear his BumGenius 4.0s, which I'm really excited to start using, but now that we're on the diaper rash cream I need to keep using the darn disposables. I can't believe many babies are this big (or even way bigger!) when they are born. He seems so grown up to me.

- I had my 5 week postpartum checkup today. It was a disaster. The appointment was at 11:30, and even though I had just fed the baby at 10, he had a complete meltdown right as they called me back. Just screaming himself purple! They took my blood pressure while I was trying to calm him down - I didn't even ask what it was. I asked if they could let someone go in front of me so I could nurse him, but I was the last patient before my OB's lunch break. So the nurses took him while she did my pelvic exam. Even though I know people understand, I felt like a terrible mother while he was screaming bloody murder. I wanted to tell everyone, "I JUST fed him! I promise!"

- I have lost 20 of the 40 pounds I gained during pregnancy. I know I should be happy about this, but I'm not. I still have 20 to go, and they're going to go a lot more slowly than the first 20. Mainly, I'm just tired of not having any clothes to wear. My maternity clothes are sagging off of me and my pre-pregnancy clothes are laughably tight. There are only so many public places you can go in yoga pants.

- We had the birth control discussion, which I knew we'd have. I have been agonizing over what to do. I do not need birth control for contraception - OBVIOUSLY. It would be nice to just let my cycle do what it wanted to do for a while and sit back and observe. But I knew that if I didn't go on BCP, I'd constantly be wondering if I might be miraculously pregnant. I can't take that kind of heartache. Plus, she said the minipill might help my acne and other PCOS symptoms, so I wouldn't argue with that, and I filled the rx.

- Alex continues to go down for his first sleep of the night (around 8:30-10:30) in his bassinet (last night in his crib!!), and then wake up and want to sleep with me the rest of the night. I still feel iffy about this. I hope I'll know when the time is right to start teaching him how to put himself to sleep. It seems like a very scary job.

- We are thinking about going away for a night in July for my birthday. 24 hours I would be away. I'm desperately hoping I can get enough milk pumped before then to make it work, but pumping is a struggle again. The first couple of days with the hospital pump worked wonders but now we're back to where we were. Yesterday I pumped 5x and got 3.3 ounces. The sad thing is that's a good day! I hate pumping. It's hard to do when the baby's fussy, and hard to do when he's happy because I want to be playing with him, not hooked up to some damn machine. It's a lot of time to get settled pumping and clean everything up to get a freaking teaspoon of milk!

- Baby keeps getting cuter and cuter. I love his soft little hands and feet and how they brush up against me when we nap together. He does this thing sometimes where he latches onto my nose. Like, really latches, and starts sucking on my nose. My sister got a photo of it yesterday, and that's what I'll leave you with.

One month

Dear Alexander-

Today you are one month old! I can't believe it. A month ago today I woke up and you were still in my belly. Now, you are a real live person who has been around for four weeks and three days.

The past month has been the most amazing and also the most humbling in my life. You showed up in this world with your soft skin, your tiny cooing noises, and your beautiful face and you absolutely pulled the rug out from under me. I had no idea I could feel such powerful love for someone so small, and I also had no idea how much work someone so small could be.

The first couple of weeks were rough. I cried a lot from hormones and lack of sleep. But even in the most frustrating and exhausting moments, I loved you with every fiber of my being.

You have taught me so much already. You've taught me that I really can survive without a routine (mainly because I have no choice, but still). I've learned that my needs are so minor now. I don't care if I need to eat or I'm thirsty - if I'm feeding you and you look content, I can wait. It doesn't matter that I'd rather sleep on my tummy - if you are contentedly sleeping on my chest, I'll sleep on my back for hours.

Everyone who meets you falls in love with you. But, in a way, you are still all mine. Not quite as much as when I was pregnant with you, but I still know you in a way that others do not. I am the only one who can feed you. I understand you the best (daddy understands you well, too, but not quite like I do). Your face has started changing when you hear my voice. You sleep best in my arms. You are completely dependent on me, and it is as flattering as it is overwhelming. You need me at least every two and a half hours when you get hungry, and while it means I don't get much else done, there's nothing I'd rather be doing.

I think that motherhood, for me, is always going to include a bit of mourning. Already a whole month has passed of your life that I will never get back. You are still so small and cuddly - while I look forward to watching you grow up, I know that I will miss this time with an ache I can't imagine once you are running around, being a little boy.

Right now you are asleep on me because we just got done nursing. I want you to know that you are the perfect baby. You have made all of my dreams come true.

Love,
Mom

super quick update

Pumping is going a lot better. I rented the hospital pump, and didn't get any immediate success. Then I talked to the LC who told me to turn the suction down. Impatient me was pumping at a 7 (the max) and getting nothing. When I pump at a 1, I actually get milk. This morning I got 2oz, the most I've ever gotten (without skipping a feeding). I also bought XL breast shields and that has helped a lot. I'm going to continue with the fenugreek (6 pills a day) although I don't know if I'll buy more when it runs out. All it seems to do is make me smell like maple syrup.

Last night little A slept from 10:30-7:30 with wake ups to nurse at 12:45, 1:45, and 4:45. A few nights ago he was awake from 12-5:30am, so I'm taking this as a huge win. His first two sleeps were in his bassinet and then he came to bed with me in the morning hours.

He is napping right now, and for the first time I put him down in his crib. Of course I have the monitor on and all the way up and will probably still go upstairs to check on him every few minutes.

Here's a peek at one of our newborn portraits!

Pumping is the devil

I am really starting to worry that my supply is drying up.

I had gotten to the point where I'd reliably get an ounce or so when pumping. Last Monday started this terrible run of getting next to nothing during pumping - hardly enough to cover the bottom of the bottles.

So Monday I started Fenugreek. I've been on that seven days now, and no improvement. I've tried pumping right after he eats, pumping an hour after he eats, pumping in the steamy bathroom when I get out of the shower.

Tomorrow I'm going to call the hospital and ask about renting a pump. Does anyone else have experience with this? I've heard that the hospital pumps are more powerful and help you increase your supply, which is not the intended purpose of the retail pumps.

The other reason I'm worried about my supply is that he still continues to eat every 2-2.5 hours. He's almost four weeks old now, so I thought that would have started lengthening by now. Maybe that was wishful thinking?

The only encouraging sign I've had this week was on Thursday, when my husband and I went out for a date*. My sister came over and I gave her a bottle with 3 ounces and a bottle with 2.5 ounces. I was engorged when we got back and I pumped immediately and got 4.5 ounces. I hope this means that I have an adequate supply, since I pumped out almost exactly what he ate?

I guess I will only be blogging now when I need advice, because here I am again asking for it! You all were so helpful and comforting on my co-sleeping post, you're doing it to yourselves ; )

*we went out for Mexican and I had my first margarita since September! We also saw "What to Expect When You're Expecting", which was a great movie. It seems like it'd be an infertile woman's nightmare, but there is actually a heavy dose of IF storyline. We both enjoyed it and it was amazing to spend some time with my husband. Of course we argued in the car over who got to cuddle the baby first when we got home ; )

Co-sleeping

(Disclaimer: since writing my last post, everything went to hell in a handbasket. We started having latch issues for the first time, and now when I pump I can barely cover the bottom of the bottles. I think we're slowly getting back on track, but just goes to show you can't get too confident.)

So here we are writing the inevitable newborn sleep post.

I had never planned on co-sleeping, yet here we are. Long story short - my baby sleeps so much better in my arms than in his bassinet. And here's the shocker - I sleep better when he's in my arms, too.

When he's in the bassinet, I spend a long time lying there listening for him to fuss. There's nothing more exhausting than when you juuuust fall asleep and then you have to rouse yourself immediately to tend to the baby.

But when he's next to me, I'm so much more in tune with him, I can get better rest because I can tell when he's about to start fussing without lying there awake.

Last night, he slept in his bassinet from 11-1:30, then I fed him (we have gotten better at the side-lying latch, which is great because I hardly had to wake up!), then I went to put him in his bassinet, but he fussed. So I pulled him into bed with me and we slept from 2:15-5:30. Those three hours were my best sleep since I had him.

I am struggling with the co-sleeping thing. I never intended to do it, and I guess I'm having a hard time checking my ego and doing what my baby wants, regardless of my own parenting intentions.

I don't feel like he's in danger when we're sleeping together. I can tell that I'm aware of him even when I'm asleep. There may be evidence that shows it's dangerous, but on a very primal level, I know he's not in danger. So that's not the issue.

It's just that I do, eventually, want him in his crib. And I don't know how long I should allow him to sleep with me before I have to buck up and put in him there. I don't want this to become a lasting habit.

Will something like this help with eventually weaning him to his crib? I don't want to invest $150-$200 in a co-sleeping bassinet when we already have a bassinet.

I'm open to any advice anyone has.

The Leaky Boob chronicles

Update: I have started to kind of enjoy breastfeeding.

First, I have to issue the disclaimer that my son is an incredible breastfeeder. His latch is flawless, he's great at sucking, and now that he's a bit older, he doesn't even fall asleep on the breast quite as much. So I can't take any credit for our success breastfeeding thus far - it's all him. My nipples don't even hurt!

Also, I have been lucky not to have any supply issues. For a while now I have been pumping three times a day and have a nice, small stash built up. I have left him once with my husband, and have been able to let others bottle feed him while they're visiting, which they enjoy. (Another great thing about my baby: he'll take any nipple you give him, he doesn't care!)

Here is what I like about breastfeeding:
1. I can kind of tell when he'll need to eat, without even looking at a clock.
2. My breasts get so hard and uncomfortable that it's a symbiotic thing - I need him to eat as much as he needs to eat. It feels so good when he drains them for me!
3. It's so snuggly.
4. It's kind of a nice excuse to get out of the room when visitors get overwhelming.

Here are the things I still struggle with:
1. It takes so long. Thirty minutes of eating at every feeding, plus time for burping and a diaper change. When you consider he eats about every 2 hours, that gives me an hour and fifteen minutes between feedings - and I can only sleep if he also goes right to sleep afterwards.
2. It's so. damn. exhausting.
3. It keeps changing, and that's difficult for a routine person like me.

I have learned one very important lesson so far. I really wish someone had told me this simple fact: all babies need to suck more than they need to eat. We are taught to recognize hunger cues, but they don't ALWAYS mean baby's hungry (at least not with my baby). I used to feed him for four hours in the middle of the night because I'd take him off the breast and he'd start smacking his lips, so I'd put him right back on. I felt so much pressure to help him gain weight and eliminate bilirubin that I felt like I was starving him if I didn't. Now, I know better. He eats for 15 minutes each side and then he gets a pacifier or my pinkie finger. He has still been gaining weight and peeing and pooping a lot, so he's not starving, and I'm not going crazy anymore.

Pumping was so frustrating at first, but I am learning that too. It all clicked the first time we gave him a relief bottle. I pumped for three days to get the first two ounces - it was painstaking. I didn't even want to let anyone use it. But lo and behold, we fed him that bottle, I pumped while he was eating, and immediately got another two ounces. Once you can work up that first bottle, you can replace it when you miss a feeding. DUH! Makes sense, but it didn't occur to me until it happened.

I think I can do this breastfeeding thing. As long as I can get some sleep during the day, I can stick it out until he starts spacing his feeding more, and then it will really get easy. (right?) I'm encouraged by the pumping so I think I can continue once I return to work.

I have set a tentative goal of 6 months: breastfeed until November 15. That will give us the flexibility of formula and solids around the holidays. This goal may change, but for now I feel good.

I wish I had time to write about my first venture out of the house alone (last night, for three hours, to a wedding reception), and the other major things going on in my life (my husband's diabetes, my grandfather's possible brain tumor). But for now I'll leave you with two more things:

1. As of two weeks postpartum, I had lost 16 pounds and I had 25 to go.
2. This hilarious face on his two week birthday:

Wish I had more time to write more coherently.

1. Breastfeeding is a challenge. As soon as I think I have it figured out, something changes. I'm still waiting for it to get easy.

2. Some nights, little man will fall asleep nursing, I'll put him in his bassinet, and he'll sleep for 2ish hours. Other nights, he wants nothing to do with the bassinet and will only sleep in my arms, and then he'll sleep for 4ish hours. What gives? I'm not really all that comfortable with co-sleeping in that way, and I don't get good rest when he's in my bed. Some nights maybe he just needs mommy more than others?

3. I would be just about completely healed from my c-section by now, except that, like an idiot, I decided to get the stroller out and go for a walk Saturday morning. Carrying the heavy ass stroller up our porch steps totally effed up the right side of my abdomen, which is now very swollen, and I have bruises all over. I'm a bit afraid of what my gyno will say at my postpartum checkup today.

4. I can't believe my little man is 2 weeks old today. His cord fell off last night. I feel like he has already started changing so much! He goes to the ped tomorrow and will hopefully be back at his birth weight. If not, I'm afraid they will give me a speech about supplementing formula, which I am not at all interested in doing. (AT. ALL.)

5. We got the ergo out and played with it this morning. Once it cools off tonight I hope to go for another walk with that instead of the stroller.

6. I think someone is going to have to literally push me out the door to get me to leave the house. I have been pumping and have plenty now to leave him with my husband for a few hours. But I'm afraid to go.

7. Pumping mystifies me. I have worked up to 3x a day (4x on a good day) and I consistently get about 1.5-2 ounces a day. I'm happy with that. But it's completely unpredictable when I'll get a good amount and when I'll be eeking it out drop by drop.

8. I have watched more tv in the past week than the rest of my life put together. Right now I'm enjoying the show New Girl.

9. I am much better, emotionally, than I have been. The first few days home from the hospital were really, really rough. Everything felt so raw. Sometimes I could hardly look at him because his little face just broke my heart. Things feel better now.

10. The hardest part, by far, of parenting (for me) is learning to silence the voices around you and listen to your gut about what is right for your child. It's difficult when you're new at this and everyone you go to for advice (La Leche League, the pediatrician, the Lactation Consultant, your friends, the internet) contradicts one another. I have stopped going to people for advice for a while and I'm just trying to make my own decisions (one mistake at a time).

11. Breastfeeding is a lot easier with a smart phone. I am reading all of your posts, but it's hard to comment one-handed, on a mobile device, at 3 am.

12. Sometimes I ache to be pregnant with him again. Sometimes I really miss having him all to myself. When he hiccups, I think about how they felt inside of me. But on the other hand, I spend far less time in the restroom and I can finally (!!!) sleep on my stomach again! When I miss being pregnant, I just tell myself I can get pregnant again, which I hope is true.

More later, for now, here's a photo of my sweet little boy.

Some observations - 6 days post partum

1. I don't think I got the tone right in the past few posts. There were a lot of hard things about the hospital stay, but mainly it was joyous. Seeing my husband hold his son for the first time. Watching my dad meet his first grandchild. Kissing Alexander's feet. I'm sorry I focused so much on the negative! Maybe I need to pick better times to write.

2. Here is how I feel about parenting for the first 6 days. It's like you won a billion dollars in the lottery. All of your dreams have come true! You feel ecstatic and on top of the world. Everyone is happy for you. The only catch is that you have to carry the one billion dollars, in cash, on you at all times, and let's just say that you live in the inner city, in a high crime area, and let's also say that you have to wear a sign that flashes neon that says "I have a billion dollars cash on my person." It's the most incredible feeling, but it also leaves you feeling very vulnerable. Or maybe that's just the hormones?

3. Speaking of hormones, we have now identified two separate entities: Lulu and "Mona", as in Hormonal Mona. I warn my husband when Mona is coming out. When this is the case, you can find me staring into the baby's face, weeping about the fact that he will eventually grow up and stop being so small. My heart hurts preemptively that he'll be a teenager some day and think I'm lame. When I am Mona, I am also just overwhelmed with joy and can cry for 15 minutes about his lips.

4. Becoming a mom is amazing. Equally great is watching your husband become a father. I've never seen so much tenderness in his face. I have fallen in love with him all over again. It helps that he is especially supportive and loving - just an incredible man to begin with.

5. Unfortunately, today my husband was diagnosed with diabetes. He's 32 years old. I have refused to google this and read all of the horrible things that go along with it. My heart hurts about it and I can't really face it with a 6 day old baby.

6. It occurs to me several times a day that my son is perfect. This may not exactly be a unique feeling among new parents, but it sure feels good.

7. Alex was born at 6 lb 4 oz, left the hospital on Saturday at 5 lb 7 oz, and today (Monday) is 5 lb 12 oz. Five ounces gained in two days! Yay breastfeeding.