Dear Baby

Dear Baby-
There are so many unknowns, and they have been keeping mommy awake at night.

Will you be healthy? What will you look like? How small will you really be? Are you going to have your daddy's gorgeous eyes? I kind of hope one part of you is really chubby, your cheeks or your little thighs or something. I hope you're not so little that there's nothing to squeeze and pinch - that would make me sad.

Will you be a happy baby, or angry that you came into this world a tiny bit early? What will be your favorite way to be held? Are you going to like my breasts or are they going to frustrate your tiny body and be disregarded for a bottle?

And these are just the unknowns in your first few days. There are so many other things in your life I can't predict.

So let's focus on what we do know.

When know what we're going to name you. We know that we are doing the best thing by delivering you early. We know that both you and I have good doctors to care for us, and a daddy/husband who is going to make the early days so much more comfortable. We know that you have a dog brother and sister at home who are going to be relieved when you are finally here and they can stop waiting for some unknown event to occur.

We know that we will love you with all of our hearts, no matter what shape you're in when you are born. And I guess that's all that matters.

The craziest day

Well yesterday was crazy.

The baby did great on the NST, which was a relief. When my OB came in the room, she started by telling us that the baby is above the 3rd percentile in growth, which is good, but is less than 10%, which is not-so-good. Then, without ceremony, she said "So we're going to deliver at 37 weeks."

I really wasn't surprised by this at all, but all of the blood left my husband's face. I've never seen him look like that before in my life! He kind of gasped out loud. He looked like he might cry or throw up. My OB kept glancing at me like "is he going to be okay?"

We discussed the things that may happen after delivery, and the necessity of a c-section in this case. I asked if any tests would be done to determine lung function, and she said quite bluntly no, because it doesn't matter, he needs to come out regardless of how his lungs are. I asked if I'd get a steroid shot and she said there's really no use for it after 34 weeks.

So, that's settled. I was feeling pretty okay with it all, besides being concerned for A. He still looked quite shaken. All in all, it took him about an hour to come to terms with the fact that we have just a few days remaining in this pregnancy, as opposed to the weeks he thought we had.

The timing works great this way. He's on break between semesters, so he'll have a solid three weeks to stay home with me and the baby before going back to work. I'm happy about that, especially since I'll need TLC too while I'm recovering from the c-section.

Me? Well, my emotions are all over the place. I am a bit of a mess.

Overall, I'm excited to meet my son on Tuesday. I'm also scared that he won't be as healthy as he would have been if he could have baked a bit longer. I'm terrified that he'll have to go to the NICU and I'll have hours or days before I can hold him. I feel sort of like a failure that I can't grow him any longer. I thought IUGR was usually an issue with uterus shape or something, which I didn't think I needed to worry about.

I'm a little sad that I'll never experience any labor. I'll never know what a contraction feels like. It's disappointing, but it kind of fits the theme of how this pregnancy began: everything was very clinical, scientific, deliberate. No room for having a bottle of wine and a romantic evening to conceive your child - we're doing the painful retrieval, ICSI, just about as interventionist as you can possibly get. Similarly, there's no time to languish at home, waiting for contractions and a bloody show, 18 hours of labor. Nope, get that baby out of there so he can start growing.

I'm quite nervous about how all of this will impact breastfeeding. The issue of his growth puts a lot of pressure on me to produce and do it well and do it quickly. Also, if he can't be with me right away, we're kind of setting ourselves up for problems in that department, aren't we?

I'm a little scared of a c-section. Not too scared, because I know so many women who have had one that it can't be that bad, but just scared of something new happening to my body involving a scalpel and lots of anesthesia.

I'm overwhelmed to know exactly what day my pregnancy will end. I will wake up on Tuesday and that's the last day I'll be pregnant for years - what if it's my last day, ever, being pregnant? I'm trying to memorize the way this little one feels when he moves inside me, because what if I never feel that again?

So yeah, lots of strands in the old duder's head here. I'm going to keep busy this weekend cleaning and trying to get a lot of rest. In just a week we'll be home from the hospital with our baby.

5/15 will be a nice birthday

Baby is growth restricted and will be delivered at 37 weeks. There will be a scheduled c-section since he’s breech.

So that means…next Tuesday, May 15.

We were warned that there may be some NICU time, or he may come out breathing just fine. Either way, it’s time for him to come out of me.

Update - baby drama

So I got to my ultrasound this afternoon. The first thing the tech said was “Do you think he has turned?” I said “No, his head is right here”, and I pointed. I was right! Still breech.

Then the measurements started. I knew right away we had an issue. I am 36w2d and the measurements were rolling in primarily around 32-34 weeks, I saw one at 29w5d (that was the head).

We waited 30 minutes between the ultrasound and my visit with the NP. I think they were talking the whole time, going over my scan. My husband also saw the small measurements and said “I think you’re going to go over your due date because he’s so small.” I didn’t have the heart to tell him what I thought was probably coming!

Basically, we got the c-section talk, and the early baby talk. The NP didn’t want to speak for my OB, but said that the baby hasn’t grown much and is still measuring small. Basically, it might be better to get him out earlier so he can breastfeed, than keep him inside where he’s not growing well.

My OB is going to call me tomorrow with a plan. Options range from “let’s do another growth scan later and decide then” to “I’m sending you for a level 2 ultrasound for better measurements” to “let’s do an amnio to check lung function and deliver early”.

I asked a ton of questions. I verified that we’re still thinking small baby not birth defects or something’s really wrong here. The NP said that if I were 30 weeks and we were seeing such a slow down in growth, she’d be very concerned. But since I’m over 36, there’s not much to worry about.

I wasn’t surprised by anything they said. My husband, on the other hand, was a little shocked to hear we may be having this baby SOON.

UPDATE: The doctor’s office just called. I’m to go in for a non-stress test tomorrow morning and meet with my OB afterwards. I’ll keep you posted!

35w5d, ramblings

1. We finished our childbirth class, which I loved. Every approach was covered: epidural vs some pain killers vs natural birth; c-section, vaginal, and assisted deliveries, etc. I feel much more prepared just knowing the process that will happen either way I deliver.
2. Last week we also took a two-part breastfeeding class. The information was pretty general but I still learned a lot. She told us how to manually express our milk, so I tried it when I got home. Seriously! There is baby juice in my breasts! It dropped out 3-4 drops from each side! I was so amazed by this, and also a tiny bit freaked out. I certainly have more respect for my breasts now. It was nice to get to know the lactation consultant I'll be working with.
3. The LC told us that they give mom and baby a “golden hour” immediately after delivery to try to nurse, skin to skin. I had a very stressful morning last week trying to explain this to my mom, who just wants "five minutes" with the baby before I start to nurse. For now, the plan is my husband just won't announce that the baby has been born until we're ready for visitors.
4. We went on a Serious Shopping Extravaganza with all of our gift cards to get remaining things off of our registry. We are almost 100% ready to bring baby home now. The only big thing we have left is to install our car seat bases and assemble the swing when it arrives.
5. I am 99% sure baby is still breech. I feel kicks that are low and internal (like, on my organs, not my abdomen), and I think I feel his head lodged against my right side. The other night he started making really jerky movements, butting his head against the skin under my right ribcage. I was like "You can't get out that way! Point your head at my hoo-ha, there's an escape hatch down there!"
6. I have another ultrasound to check growth on Thursday, and I meet with the NP. Then I go to weekly appointments.

34 weeks

Total Weight Loss/Gain: I’ve gained 38 pounds. Gulp.

Maternity Clothes: Yep. The selection is getting slim and I refuse to buy more at this point! People at work are just going to have to get used to seeing the same handful of outfits : )

Stretch marks: none, yet…

Sleep: pretty awful, to be honest. But I know it will only get worse before it gets better, so I’m trying to appreciate the sleep I do get. 

Movement: I was worried because for a few days there he hardly moved at all. Then he went back to moving a lot. Yesterday he kicked so hard at my lap belt while I was driving that I had to give myself more seat belt! I can tell he is still breech because his big kicks are aimed right at my bladder.

Cravings/Aversions: No aversions. Hungry all the time but if I overeat I feel sick.

Gender: Still a boy : )

Symptoms: Tired every moment of every day. Very sore calves and shoulders. Left hip is starting to ache.

What I miss: I miss that golden first trimester sleep, when I slept like a dead person every night. I also miss being able to comfortably paint my own toenails ; )

What I look forward to: seeing my son’s face for the first time. I am so curious what he will look like! I have had one dream when I saw his face, I wish I’d have more. He was about 5 months old in the dream, had kind of a pointy chin, blonde hair, and was just so precious looking : )

Moods: The fatigue makes me a bit grumpy at times. Mostly, though, I feel very Zen as I anticipate this little one’s arrival. I’m tingly with anticipation but also very at peace…I hope this lasts and the anxiety stays away : )

Milestones: Full term is less than three weeks away!

Medical concerns: Baby is still measuring small, so we’re having another growth scan at 36 weeks. My level of worry about this depends on the moment.

Sex?: I honestly can’t remember the last time we had sex the normal way. We’ve done other things…you know…but I haven’t even seen my vagina in weeks! Hopefully it’s still there ; )

Tiny breech boy

We had our ultrasound yesterday. I was 32w1d, and my fundal height was around 28.5-29 cm/weeks. The baby measured 30w5d, with a margin of error of 2w3d.

So, he’s within range, just small, which is consistent with what we saw at the 10 and 20 week ultrasounds.

His abdomen and femur measurements were on track, his head measured a little small. The ultrasound tech was confident that this was because (dun dun dun) he’s breech.

Yep, still breech! And apparently they have small heads! Oh the irony of a deliciously small-headed baby that you don’t get to try to push out.

My husband said “But he has plenty of time to turn, right?” and she replied “Maybe!” in a voice that very strongly implied “…but don’t count on it!”

Even my very relaxed, “wait and see” husband said as we were leaving: “We should probably start mentally preparing ourselves for a c-section.”

But, the breech-ness aside, I was relieved to see his measurements and see him wiggling around on the screen.

The reason my fundal height was so off is likely because he is literally curled up into a little ninja ball. Feet by his ears, one arm thrown around his own neck. What if one day he decides to stretch out? THAT will be interesting!

I will get more information at my appointment tomorrow (that’s right folks, three doctor’s appts this week, it’s strangely reminiscent of IVF!). The doctor will tell me what percentile he’s measuring, and how my amniotic fluid levels looked. I plan to ask about the small head thing and more importantly, how long she’s going to give him to flip before she schedules me for a c-section.

It’s getting interesting…

Birth plan

Disclaimer: This post is not meant to judge. I think all choices we make as women are deeply personal, and I understand that all women labor differently. Have your baby at home, in a hospital, in the middle of a cornfield for all I care. I don’t care if you ask for an epidural the first time you feel a contraction, or you do the whole thing without so much as a Tylenol. I really don’t care what you do. This is just my story of deciding what’s right for me.

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While I was trying to get pregnant, I never gave a single thought to labor and delivery. Who cares, right? If I get to that point I’ll be so grateful that I won’t care how the baby comes out.

Now, I find that I do care. The decisions I’m making now (and will make in the moments surrounding the birth of my child) are increasingly emotional and laden with signficant baggage other than just having a baby. If only it were that simple.

I considered a natural birth, but decided pretty quickly it wasn’t for me. I kept thinking about my second retrieval and the immense pain I suffered in the ER. I had never known pain like that before, and I’m sure this will be worse. I would have taken any pain medicine anywhere in my body to make that feeling go away.

If I tell myself I can get through this without any pain meds and then end up needing them, I will feel like an immense failure. So, a natural birth plan wasn’t in the cards for me.

I had no “birth plan” written down (seemed too arrogant to me – too much like tempting fate). But if I had written one it would have gone like this: Labor as much as possible at home. Go to the hospital when contractions have been 5 minutes apart for an hour. Labor with birthing ball and position changes until I can’t handle the pain anymore, get IV drugs, labor some more, push, have the baby. I wasn’t planning on an epidural, but I wasn’t opposed to one, either.

I saw it on a scale like this: Natural Childbirth – IV pain meds – epidural. Somewhere in the middle seemed great for me.

Last night, in our second class, we learned all about the different pain management options. That’s when I learned that my hospital stops the IV pain meds at 6cm, so you don’t give birth to a sleepy baby with shallow respiration. The epidural doesn’t affect the baby at all.

So my whole “plan” went out the window – I want the pain meds for the really hard part, the last few centimeters and the pushing. I never wanted them for the early part. So, I kind of gave up on the IV medicine option.

Which left me with natural childbirth (which I had already ruled out) and epidural.

I sat there in mental anguish for about 30 minutes. I thought I didn’t want an epidural. I didn’t want to “give up”, “cop out”, feel numb from the waist down, institutionalize the birthing process, etc, etc.

I was surprised that when the epidural seemed, objectively, like the best option to me, especially since I could decide when I got it, I was so heartbroken by the idea of having one.

What it boiled down to was this: I felt like I would be less of a woman if I got the epidural. Because I should be able to handle the pain for the sake of my baby.

That’s when a lightbulb clicked in my head: I have already handled a lot of pain for the sake of this baby. I had an HSG that made my uterus spasm and I felt like I was being ripped apart. I had a laparoscopy. I had two retrievals. I had OHSS and my body was wracked with pain, combined with a bad reaction to anesthesia that made me alternate between vomiting and fainting.

I was trying to tell myself I could do without the epidural because I’m a strong woman.

But I have already proven to myself that I am a strong woman.

I am a strong woman who is planning to labor for as long as she can without an epidural, and then (most likely) get one.

I am a strong woman who is also flexible, who understands – all too well - that things do not always go as we plan.

I am a strong woman who is also humble: None of my plans trump the baby’s plans. If he’s breech, or too small, or in distress, they will cut him out of me, and I will not let that make me feel like a failure.

I am a strong woman who will be a good mother no matter how my baby is delivered into this world.

And you, all of you who read my blog, whether you have your baby in a cornfield or on a surgical bed with general anesthesia, whether you adopt or use a surrogate or decide not to have children – you are all strong women too. : )

Unsolicited advice. Again.

I mentioned a couple of times that I took an 8-week prenatal yoga course. It's over now and I thought I'd write about it.

I love yoga. Before IVF got hot and heavy, I taught 3-4 yoga classes a week and I've had a dedicated practice since 2004.

I loved everything about the yoga part of class. The stretches she chose and the sequencing she used always seemed designed just for me. She didn't baby us but pushed us, always reminding everyone that it was okay to take it easy, too. She took several moments during each class to have us place our hands on our bellies and connect with the baby. I always left feeling loose, strong, and relaxed.

What I didn't enjoy about the class was the conversation before each session, and the general advice-giving nature of the teacher.

Our teacher has had three children, all vaginally, all without pain medicine or epidural, all without being induced. And boy does she like to remind you about that!

I think natural birth is great, I do! It's awesome! But I also think there's something to be said for choosing to keep your memories of birth unclouded by extreme pain.

The same holds true for induction. And c-section...oh boy, don't even go there. You might as well say you're going to run into a burning building while giving birth. No matter that your baby might be breech, or that there may be a medical reason you need a c-section.

It's ALL between mom, dad, baby, and doctor. Prenatal yoga instructor's opinion shouldn't factor in. 

Everyone wants something different in their laboring process, and everyone wants the same thing at the end. I sure as hell am not going to be made to feel inferior to a woman who has a different birthing experience than I do.

There's always a lot of judgment being thrown around about, well, everything, but also about how you give birth. I guess I had hoped a yoga class would be a nice safe zone where we acknowledged that every circumstance, every mom, and every baby are different. 

She also liked to repeat (over and over) "Your body was made to do this". She said this in reference to pregnancy, labor, and delivery. She meant it to be comforting, but it really hurt me every time she said it.

If my body was made to do this, I have already failed.

I guess I don't fit in around fertiles...no matter how pregnant I get and how hard I try.