7 weeks

- Reflux continues to be frustrating. I'm not sure if the baby Zantac ever really helped as much as it should have, and if it did he has already outgrown his dosage. We are back to the fussy feedings and I just hate knowing he's in pain. : ( I have a call into the pediatrician about it.

- I keep remembering little details about my birth experience (like the blood pressure cuff being stuck around my elbow and the anesthesiologist trying to move it for me during surgery) that I never recorded anywhere. I get really panicky when this happens. I want to remember every second of that day. Even now I look at photos from the hospital and it seems a world away, not just 7 weeks.

- I have given up trying to use the bassinet at all and now we're just straight-up co-sleeping. I'm going to try to talk to the pediatrician about this next week at his 8 week checkup. I'm wondering if the reflux isn't a prime reason he's so comfortable on my chest, or sleeping next to me, which keeps him just slightly angled toward my body.

- One thing I never wrote on here is that we did go through with our decision not to circumcise Alex. And holy hell, was there a backlash for that. My parents were very upset, especially my dad, and my mom had a "talk" with me in the hospital to make sure I was "thinking clearly". Pretty much every single person who visited us asked when he'd be circumcised and if he'd had it done yet, so we had to explain that no, he hadn't been and he wouldn't be. It wasn't very fun being immediately put on the defensive when my baby was 72 hours old!

- We have been using the cloth diapers for a week and a half now. It's going very well. We started out with the shorter inserts and have since switched to the longer ones, and we haven't had any more leaks. Full disclosure - we are using disposables at night for more absorbency, because we still have NB size left and didn't want them to go to waste, and also to stretch my stash a bit right now. I have 25 BG 4.0s and can go three days if we use the disposables at night. I also have 5 Fuzzibunz but I haven't used those and I'm thinking of selling them - not sure yet. The cloth is a lot of laundry, but it's actually easier than I anticipated.

- I go back to work in 5 weeks and have no pants that button.

- Sunday night, Alex went 4.5 hours and then 4 hours between feedings. It was amazing. Last night he had a 4 hr 45 min stretch, and then went back to 2.5 hours. Let's hope he continues to have these 4ish hour stretches, because they're amazing!

the smug mommy club

I work in a department of 25 people. I am the only one of the 25 who does not have children. In the department, there are three units. My unit consists of me and five other women (plus my supervisor). Four of us are the same age, while the two others are 45 and 60+.

On some days, the girls at work are my best friends. They give great advice and listen to me blow off steam when I need to. They threw me a baby shower, inundated me with hundreds of dollars of hand-me-downs (including a top-of-the-line breast pump), and supported me through all of my infertility/IVF stuff.

On other days, I want to go home and crawl in bed and never talk to them again. They can so quickly become vicious, undercutting, and cruelly judgmental. They are strong, working mothers who for some reason can’t feel confident in their identities and have to constantly cut down the choices and actions of other women.

In my head I have started referring to this as the “smug mommy club”. Because even though they clearly have deep insecurities about their child rearing (as I’m sure all parents do), they act as though they always know the best thing for their child, and for everyone else’s child.

But they don’t.

These women supported me so graciously through the early, scary weeks of pregnancy. Then, they made me feel worthless for choosing cloth diapers, even though they knew nothing about modern cloth. They celebrated milestones of the pregnancy with me, but I have intentionally withheld our choice not to circumcise because I know it will make me the subject of ridicule.

The worst part is that these women are my friends. I count them among people I truly care about. Usually, they are great people. It’s just that sometimes the smug mommy switch flips on and I can’t be around them.

As much whining as I’ve done on this blog, I have gotten through almost all of this pregnancy without becoming the whiny, self-absorbed pregnant woman I used to hate. At least, I feel like I have.

I hope that means I can become a mother without unintentionally joining the smug mommy club. I want no part of that.

circumcised vs. intact

So, I am going to “go there”, and considering I have a very small readership at this point, I’m going to hope that no one gets all pissy with me about this topic.

As soon as we found out we were having a boy, I started thinking about his penis. Mainly: to circumcise or not to circumcise.

I have done a lot of research about this topic. I have read message boards, asked my twitter friends, listened to (unsolicited) feedback from coworkers, read abstracts from multiple medical studies, read up on what the AAP has to say, and talked at length with my husband. All feedback falls into one of these categories:

1)      Uncircumcised penises are gross. They look gross to sexual partners and they’re harder to keep clean.

2)      Circumcised penises are healthier – they transmit fewer STDs, including HIV, and have a lower risk of penile cancer/painful adhesions.

3)      Your baby boy is born perfect and you should leave him perfect.

4)      Uncircumcised boys will be made fun of in school because they won’t look like other boys.

My biggest struggle with coming to this decision is that none of these positions feel 100% right in my heart.

1)      Uncircumcised penises are gross – I don’t want to put all my business out there, but I did have a partner before A who was uncircumcised (or “intact” to use the modern nomenclature). It didn’t phase me at all. It’s certainly not the hideous monstrosity some people expect it to be. And mothers of uncircumcised sons say the penis is just as easy to clean as a vagina (think of all the folds girls have!).

2)      Circumcised penises are healthier - In many areas, such as Africa where men will walk miles barefoot in the rain for just the chance of being circumcised, this is true. But the AIDS epidemic in America is very different from the problem in other countries. Here, AIDS is mostly transmitted during homosexual sex, in which case circumcised or not, it makes no difference. And the risk of penile cancer, while indicated as being slightly higher in intact men, is still so small it’s not even really worth considering.

3)      Your baby boy is born perfect - I tend to agree with this. But I am also not a doctor so this sentiment alone, while heartwarming and resonant, is not enough for me. Thus, all the research.

4)      Your son will be made fun of - I have never, ever thought that “because we’ve always done it that way” or “because everyone else does it” or “because you’re expected to do it” is a good enough reason to do anything.

What it boils down to is this: I don’t want to make this decision for my son. It’s his penis, he should decide what it looks like. I hate that I have to decide something so personal for him so early on. And in that vein, it seems like leaving him intact would be the best way to go, since he can always opt to have his foreskin removed, but he can’t opt to have it put back on.*

And the thing that I keep coming back to: the American Academy of Pediatrics says there is not sufficient data to recommend routine neonatal circumcision. Basically: there is no medical reason to circumcise your son.

So, my vote is no. I do not want him to be circumcised.

That said, I left this decision up to my husband. The climate of the current election has led to a bunch of white men in politics trying to make decisions about my uterus, which outrages me. This has cast the situation in an even clearer light for me and I think it’s fair that I allow my husband veto power over my opinions on all things penile.

For now, A and I have both decided to leave our son intact. I will keep you posted in the coming months if things change.

* Similarly, we are not baptizing him as an infant because we don’t believe in original sin (your baby is born perfect, again) and we don’t want to decide his religion for him, but that’s a separate post.