Blogging Besties

I use Google Reader to keep track of all my favorite blogs. I have “Trying” “Preggers” “Parents” and “Etc” categories (Etc encompasses blogs about interests of mine other than TTC, which believe it or not I do have).

Lately I have felt a bit disconnected from the blog world. This is odd because I have more followers and am getting more comments than ever before. Then I realized why.

I started getting heavy into the blogging in January when we were starting our first IUI. At that time, I mainly made friends with bloggers who were doing IVF. There are an infinite amount of TTC blogs, as you know, and I spent hours (*cough* at work) combing through them all and finding women who had voices like mine (or way better, in most cases), whom I could identify with, and who elicited empathy and didn’t annoy me. I am easily annoyed so that last one was more important than you might think.

Now, all of these carefully selected blogging friends are pregnant. Hooray! Oh how I rejoiced when they got their BFPs.

And now there is a new wave of blogging friends. My cycle sisters are women I haven’t known as long. Don’t get me wrong, I love getting to know new bloggers. The more virtual friends, the better. But all my “best bloggy buddies” are in my preggers column now…and I hope someday to catch up with them.

So if you are interested in reading some ART success stories, here are my tried and true (and pregnant) blog friends. Let me know if I got your info wrong, ladies.

-          Drevas at The Fertile Hurdle, pregnant (twins) after FET

-          Roccie at Roccie Road, pregnant after FET w/DE

-          Marissa at Eggs in a Basketcase, pregnant (twins) after IVF

-          Mare at Just Beginning, pregnant after IUI

-          Jay at The Two Week Wait, pregnant after IVF

-          Still a Guest Room, pregnant (twins) after IVF

-          Alex at Alex’s Adventures, pregnant after FET

-          The Infertile Gynecologist, pregnant after IVF

And here are just a few of the blogs I’ve been getting to know recently

-          Unfertilized

-          MoJo Working

-          Better Full than Empty

-          Tortoise Baby

-          Babies, Balanced Translocations, and Being in my 30s

-          Still Dreaming

-          The World Needs More Nerds

-          The Annoyed Army Wife

-          Our Fertility Adventure

Disclaimer: This is just a sample of the blogs I follow. There are a lot more and I love them all equally. So sorry if I left you off my list. I’ll do this again soon : )

And we're off!

I had my head all wrapped around a break. I will be in California in three weeks and I thought that by taking a cycle off of synthetic hormones, maybe my hair and skin would look nice in my photos. I had convinced myself that a break was a good thing, and I was actually looking forward to it.

But when I spoke to my Dr. for our follow-up last night, it went a little like this:

Dr.: (in his best compassionate doctor voice) “So, there’s no rush, no hurry, think about what you want to do and when you’ve decided, give me a call.”

Lulu: “Oh, we want to do it again. We want to do it again right away. We assume we need to take a cycle off since it’s CD4 already.”

Dr.: “If you’re ready, I’m ready.”

Lulu: “What?”

Dr.: “Are you on birth control?”

Lulu: “No. Wait, what?”

Dr.: “I can call in BCP for you and get you a protocol tomorrow.”

Lulu: “What? [pause as she considers getting through airport security with needles and Qcaps, decides that diabetics do it every day and that she can live without close-up shots of her in San Francisco, after all that’s what photo re-touching programs are for right?] Okay, let’s do it.”

Dr. Friendly thinks he can address my shitty fertilization report by increasing my stims (2 Bravelle, 3 Menopur the whole time) and ICSI-ing all of my eggs. I asked him if he was concerned about my egg quality and he said absolutely not. About two minutes later I asked again “So you don’t want to do any further bloodwork? You think my eggs are fine?” He said he’s not concerned about my eggs at all.

I heard him say that twice, ladies and gentlemen (listen to me, like there’s a single gentleman out there reading this blog). There was no discussion of Premature Ovarian Failure, an egg donor, an AMH test like I had geared myself up for. Just poor stim timing, which is correctable.

I feel like IVF#1 was child’s play compared to this upcoming cycle. I didn’t gain a single pound (!) and had very minimal bloating and pain. I know with this more aggressive protocol I won’t be so lucky this time, and I told him that.

Lulu: “Pump me up, I don’t care how uncomfortable I am, I want something to freeze this time.”

Dr.: [chuckling, probably asking himself how he deals with these hormonal women every day of his life] “Well, I will hold you to that.”

Fasten your seatbelts, here we go!

Cost of IVF #1

As you know, I am touchy about the fact that my insurance covers IVF. Please know that my coverage is not due to any diligence or merit on my part. It is sheer luck that I was born in this state, chose to settle here, and this state has a mandate.

Whenever those closest to me discuss my treatments with me, I explain how I am currently feeling: good, bad, and ugly. But I always, always mention how fortunate we are to have insurance coverage. IVF would not be an option if we did not. I mention this every single time because no one here knows how much things vary from state to state and it feels like a tiny bit of advocacy.

Regardless, I feel that mentioning my insurance coverage is like pouring salt into the wounds of those who do not have it. I believe that I would feel that way if I were in your shoes. If that is the case, feel free to skip this post.

----

While it’s always possible that the miscellaneous EOB might still roll in, it has been a week since beta so I think I’ve gotten the bulk of them. I thought I would post this image (which should enlarge if you click on it) of my spreadsheet of costs for this cycle.

A few notes:

-          I think it’s legitimate to include my Wellbutrin (WB) as an IVF cost. I have struggled with depression my whole life but only when my last IUI failed did I turn to medication. I do not believe infertility causes my depression; I do believe it exacerbates it to the point of needing medication.

-          This is only the cost for IVF. This does not include my two IUIs in 2011, or the laparoscopy I had.

-          I have officially reached my Out of Pocket Max for the year. All IVF procedures I have before 12/31/11 will be covered 100%. Our next cycle we will have to pay the drug co-pays and the $640 for cryopreservation (we’ll feel fortunate to get to pay this if we end up needing it).

-          Please don’t decode my abbreviations and use them to stalk me. Thank you.

-          I am really only sharing this because I think it’s interesting. I like spreadsheets. I’m a nerd. If you are not a nerd, don’t like spreadsheets, and don’t find it interesting, I apologize.

IVF #1 in review

A summary of IVF #1:

What I feared: Crazy hormone side effects, bruises from injections, severe bloating, weight gain, that I would forget or mess up my medicine, the retrieval, the two week wait

What I got: Crazy hormone side effects from birth control only, everything else was fine. Injections went well. I didn’t bloat hardly at all, although I still complained about the bloating that did happen. I haven’t weighed myself but I don’t feel like I gained any significant weight. I did mess up my medicine but I ended working it all out. The retrieval was fine. The two week wait was rough.

What I learned:

-          Take nothing for granted. I really should have learned this by now, but I am foolish enough to continue to assume things. I remember those days when A and I were so naïve (like in June) when we sat around having lengthy discussions about what to do with the millions of embryos we’d have leftover in cryopreservation. Should we donate them to science? Adopt them out? Risk having a bigger family than we had planned? Well, the joke’s on us because my eggs suck and we have nothing in cryo and it’s likely to stay that way.

-          It’s different for everyone. I had none of the scary Lupron side effects I had been warned about, but my BCP was awful. I had very manageable pain post-retrieval, when I expected the worst.

-          It’s out of my hands. Duh.

The worst part: The fertilization report. I don’t think I have ever been so heartbroken in my life. It was far, far harder than finding out I wasn’t pregnant, being diagnosed with PCOS, or any pregnancy announcement I’ve ever seen or heard.

The best part: Getting the phone call that our one embryo continued dividing and would make it to transfer. How quickly one went from being not nearly enough to meaning the world to us.

What I’ll remember most:

-          On our way into the hospital for our initial consultation, I told A that someday we’d tell our kids how they got here, and this moment would be part of that story. It had been raining and there was an earthworm on the sidewalk. A picked up the earthworm and returned him safely to the grass and said “I hope you’ll remember to tell them that their dad is the kind of man who saved an earthworm from getting squished.”

-          Leaving a party at a winery to go get my Lupron out of the lunchbox in my car and inject myself. It was a surreal moment for me and I thought “is this really my life?”

-          On the way to the retrieval, we stopped to get fast food and got a cup of ice water for our two dogs. We have a big dog and a small dog. I said “He needs to drink first because he has a little tongue. She can get all the way down to the bottom of the cup when he’s done.” He looked at me and said. “That’s a good point. You’re going to be a great mom.”  

What I will keep in mind for next time:

-          IVF is not your life. Keep doing things. Don’t let your life revolve around your next injection.

-          Make sure your phone is charged because Angry Birds really takes the edge off of waiting room anxiety.

-          Make sure you always have more medicine than you need for at least the next four days.

-          Post-IVF periods are awful.

-          It might not work.

-          That doesn’t mean it will never work.

FMLA advocacy

Friends-

I have decided to fight hard against my company’s decision that intermittent FMLA cannot be used to pursue fertility treatments. I think I have a great case. If you read from the bottom up, you can see our conversation in May. The top is the draft I’m going to send this week.

Please let me know if you have anything to add, and feel free to borrow my words to use in your own advocacy if necessary. If you feel so inclined to link to this post so I can receive more input, I’d very much appreciate it.

Edit: I have deleted the rest of the email chain for privacy reasons.

-------

(Draft)

HR,

I feel strongly that this matter deserves another look. Infertility is a disease of the reproductive system, and in Illinois there is a mandate for group insurance plans to cover infertility just like any other medical condition.

As FMLA can be used to attend to your own serious health condition (link to company’s intranet and leave definitions), I fail to see why infertility treatments do not qualify.

I recently completed an in-vitro fertilization attempt that required six days out of the office. In addition, I’ve had laparascopic surgery to treat endometriosis this year, which required two days off, and I took additional time to pursue other, less invasive treatment options before finally turning to IVF. All of this time was used attending to a medical condition that is standing in the way of building my family.

My IVF attempt was unsuccessful; therefore, I am looking at taking an additional 6 days before the end of 2011, and perhaps twice that if the second attempt is also unsuccessful.

I admire (Company)’s commitment to helping employees find a work-life balance, and the company’s goal to promote diversity. I feel that excluding infertile employees from utilizing FMLA in this matter directly contradicts both of these aims.

I have formed a local RESOLVE Peer-Led Infertility Support group, and through that experience I know that other large corporations here in town do allow employees to take intermittent FMLA in this instance.

Since it seems to be a subjective decision, I would greatly appreciate a chance to meet with the person who makes the decision to present my case. In a legal gray area, I feel decisions should be made in favor of employees who are already under enormous emotional and financial strain.

Lulu

Beta day

I went in for beta today and had this test this morning. I am sick to my stomach with nerves.

Update: negative. Hcg was 2.5. I'm so glad it's all over.

BFN

That's right. This cycle failed.

I knew yesterday because the positive HPT was way too faint. Today, 10dp3dt, it was just plain negative. No booster, no fetus, no pregnancy.

Yesterday was honestly a day full of soul-crushing disappointment. I could barely keep it together and I'm afraid I was a bitch to everyone at work. It was not a happy anniversary. I was blinded by this recent loss and couldn't see anything but three years of failure.

But really, look at what we have done in three years:

• A finished his master's
• we moved
• we bought our house
• we got a second dog
• we bought a car
• I quit my old job and got this current job
• A got his current job
• I've been promoted twice
• I've been to the ER
• I've been to California,
• A has been to Oklahoma
• We went on a honeymoon in Mexico
• We took a Caribbean vacation
• I got diagnosed with PCOS
• I've have a wisdom tooth extraction, HSG, laparascopy, and egg retrieval
• We've had two failed clomid cycles,
• Two failed IUIs,
• and a failed IVF

So that's quite a lot even though I'm still so heartbroken that we aren't parents yet.

Today I'm just angry and bitter and I know from experience that this will linger. Get ready. I plan to be drunk a lot.

Beta is Friday and I wish I could just save my time and money and skip it. We are definitely going to try again, as soon as we are able to.

For now, I have fun plans with friends this weekend while A is away, and I have a trip to California coming up in less than a month. 

I will get through this.

PS--we are making plans to skip Christmas this year.