fighting the panic

Well I had an interesting phone call today. It has now been 3 full months since I went off the pill and I have yet to have a regular cycle. I decided to call the doctor’s office to discuss this, fully expecting them to tell me to wait another month, or another three months, etc. I was shocked because first of all, I called and got directly connected to Nurse Useless and didn’t have to wait to have her call me back. Second of all, I didn’t just get a “wait and see” answer. They asked me when I last took a pregnancy test, and that’s when I realized I haven’t taken one since the end of January.

I definitely don’t think I’m pregnant. I really don’t. I haven’t had any signs of pregnancy and I don’t think I’ve been ovulating. But the nurse said to take one more test tonight, and if it’s negative, they’ll give me something to start my period.

I just said “Okay” and got off the phone, and promptly realized I should have asked more questions. Like…you’ll give me what to start my period? So I googled it, which was difficult because no matter how I phrased it I seemed to get pages with 12 and 14 year olds asking how they can make their period start (yes, seriously.) But anyway, it seems there’s a pill you can take to induce a period.

That would be great. But one of the things I read while I was googling (which I realize I should really stop doing) was about PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). Now, it’s very common for many women to take about three months to get back to normal after going off the pill, but if it’s something more than that, it seems like it’s usually this PCOS. Which means you can’t get pregnant without fertility treatments.

And that’s when I realized: hmmm does my gynecologist even know that I had ovarian cysts in 2002? I don’t remember mentioning it, but surely I put that on a medical history somewhere? But then again, my doctor switched practices a couple of years ago and I remember they didn’t let her take her patient information with her. Hopefully I wrote that down somewhere and someone saw it. I’ll have to make sure I mention it when I call them back tomorrow.

Because I’m a worrier, I’m really starting to fear that there’s something wrong besides just hormonal imbalance post-pill. Part of me knows this could very well be normal, but part of me is also really nervous. I guess I’ll take the test tonight and we’ll go from there…

Good things

Things I’m thankful for today:

1. A great weekend to look forward to with only fun things planned, and lots of Lulu time in store.
2. Catching up with old friends on Monday night, even if I did spill water all over one of them.
3. An incredible, refreshing, inspirational yoga weekend with lots of really amazing yoginis.
4. All of the great people I’ve met in blog-land in the past three months.
5. Spending time with my mom and sister this weekend.
6. Every version of the song “Hallelujah”.
7. More minutes of daylight every day.
8. The “Hope for Haiti Now” album.
9. A very supportive husband.
10. Payday week.
11. My dogs.

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TGIT

All I have to say today is that I am incredibly grateful for a paid four-day weekend. I’m not sure if I’ve ever needed it more.

The weekend of cornbread

This has been a great weekend. I have been trying to enjoy every moment of it.

I don’t think I ever posted on here about what the gyno nurse (lets call her Nurse Useless) told me when I finally got a hold of her. She did not seem distressed in the least that I’m a week and a half late and not pregnant – she said it takes some women up to three months to get back on a regular cycle after going off the pill. She said to call back if I haven’t had a period by April. (APRIL?)

In the meantime, I might be ovulating or I might not be, no one can tell, and if I am I’ll have no idea when. So really I could get pregnant any time, and since I won’t have a period to be missing, I’ll have no way of knowing. And of course that went over really well with my anal, planning side. Oh well, there’s nothing to be done about it.

I finished Love in the Time of Cholera today and dear Lord I thought that book would never end. It was so incredibly dense, but I had to finish it. In the end I felt like I was running a marathon (not that I would know what that actually feels like), because I just had to keep plodding through to get it over with. I had come this far and by God, I wasn’t going to give up now. It wasn’t a terrible book and I guess I can kind of see why he won the Nobel prize for literature, but I will not be reading any more Marquez any time soon.

Hiatus

I haven’t felt much like writing lately but I have felt like doing a lot of READING, and that’s what I have done. Lots and lots of reading. I haven’t set a goal for number of books this year, but I’d like it to be a big number.

No news on the baby front. Apparently my cycle is WAY off, because I’m a week late and not for the good reason. And, like I told A tonight, trying to talk to the nurse at the gyno’s office is like trying to reach Jesus Christ himself on the telephone. I called them over and over again and the darn lady is never available. And “I’ll have her call you back later today” doesn’t exactly work when you’re surrounded by snoopy lady co-workers and have meetings all day so you can’t leave to take the call even if you wanted to!

Anyway, we’ll see how that all works out. Work has been very busy which I really approve of, because it’s a lot more enjoyable when there are things to do. Although on the co-worker front it has been one of those weeks where I have had to try really hard not to be irritable, and when I give up, at least there’s the iPod (and it’s only Tuesday!).

I have been feeling very down on myself about my weight lately. I feel bigger than I have felt in over a year, although the post-Weight Watchers clothes I bought still fit, whatever that means. But I still feel gigantic and gross and it has been bothering me a lot, but yet I have this bad, unhealthy thing where I still snack WAY too much in the evening. It’s like the worse I feel about myself the worse I eat – I don’t know how that makes sense. And I need to go get measured for a bridesmaid dress, which I don’t exactly want to do in my current state, but let’s face it, I’m not going to lose any significant weight before June. Especially since I’ll be hopefully eating for two by then! : )

That’s all for now.

Month One (was just practice anyway)

Well, it’s about time to deem Operation: Make a Baby unsuccessful for month one. Pretty disappointing, but I am armed with all sorts of tools for month two (mainly just ovulation tests but I like to make it sound like I’m more prepared than I am).

A note on the “first response” pregnancy tests – first response, my foot. They claim they are accurate 5 days before the missed period. What I didn’t realize is the day your period is supposed to start is the first day. So it’s really 4 days before your period is supposed to start, and 4 days out it only has an accuracy rate of 53%. Three days out it jumps up to around 74% (that was this morning, based on my calculations). So, four days before your period, you might as well save yourself a few bucks and just flip a coin.

Last night we went to our first “grown-up” party. Meaning that we were the youngest people there. It was hosted by a guy A teaches with at ISU and was primarily English faculty, their partners, and their children (if applicable). It was a karaoke party and the upside of having a negative pregnancy test yesterday morning was that I felt 53% sure it was harmless to have a glass of wine. So I did, and I sang two karaoke songs (“Lookin Out my Back Door” by CCR and “Livin on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi). I was quite proud of myself.

A had a lot of anxiety leading up to the party. He thought it was weird that these people were our professors just a few years ago, and now we’re their peers (kind of). It was a little weird, but mainly we had a really good time. It was fun to meet some new people and catch up with others.

Tomorrow a new girl starts at work. It’s always awkward when that happens. I have been at my job just over 15 months and this will my third time watching someone new start. Hmmmm. I am doing my part to welcome her though – I’m baking chocolate peppermint muffins. As long as they’re not terrible, I’ll bring them in.

Edit: they were terrible. I didn't bring them in.

Negative

Took a pregnancy test this morning and it was negative. I really hated the two week wait, but now I can kind of see its purpose, meaning, I’m not devastated. Only disappointed.