IUI #1 (hopefully the only one) - complete

The IUI went off without a hitch. I now have 83 million of my hubby's sperm inside me. Let's hope at least one of them decides to cooperate.

I really can't believe I'm here. I had refused to let myself get excited about this cycle because I knew we had hurdles to jump before we got here. The HSG had to be okay, I had to respond well to the clomid, A's sperm had to be above average, etc etc etc.

Somehow, we arrived here and I'm starting to feel.......hopeful.

Let the two week wait begin!

Twinginess (it's a word people)

All throughout the evening there was definitely activity going on in my right ovary. This is the first time through our TTC journey that I have been able to point to my abdomen and say “My ovary is right HERE, because I feel it in there kicking and fussing.” It was pretty cool. There was no pain, just some strong twinginess. Definitely not gas, and definitely not mental. It’s quiet this morning.

I’m not sure if this is ovulation related or because the trigger shot is doing something to the giant paraovarian cyst on that side. The left side has been keeping quiet. They gave me the injection on the right side of my belly, but I’m sure that doesn’t have anything to do with it.

I didn’t feel anything like this the last time I had Ovidrel. In fact, the last time I didn’t feel a single thing after the shot -- nada. I’m hoping for some tender breasts this time or something. I’ve briefly wondered if zero side effects from the shot means I’ll have zero symptoms during early pregnancy, since it’s the same hormone. Only time will tell.

T minus 7 hours till insemination.  I am trying to figure out what to bring with us for the 30 minutes I have to lie on my back afterwards. It seems like we should do something together. I don’t want to possibly conceive our baby and then sit around with our noses buried in separate books. And I don’t want to spend 30 minutes talking about if it did or didn’t work. I think I’ll bring my laptop and my Arrested Development DVDs and watch an episode in the office. : )

Let’s hope all goes well with A’s sperm. I know he’s very anxious and I’m thinking about him this morning!

EDIT: I just ate two donuts and drank an apple juice...on top of the breakfast I had already eaten. I'm celebrating, damnit!

Excuse me while I go all multiple personality on you

We triggered today! CD17 and I have a follicle on each ovary: one 20 mm and one 22 mm. Thank you thank you thank you ovaries!

IUI is scheduled for 4 pm tomorrow. I’ll be honest: I am extremely worried. A goes in at 12:45 to “collect” at Dr. Lovely’s office. Here are the facts running through my head:

• On November 24, A had an SA at Dr. Lovely’s office. He collected at home and drove the sample in (about 30 minutes). All of his sperm were dead, or 0% motility.
• On December 1, A had another SA done at Dr. Lovely’s office. He collected at home and we wrapped the sample in a fleece hat that had been spinning in the dryer to keep it warm for the drive in. All of his sperm were dead.
• On December 10 A had his third SA done (poor guy) at the hospital. He collected there. Everything was fine.

No one can account for the difference in results. The only two variables that changed for the good SA were 1) it was done at the hospital and not at Dr. Lovely’s and 2) he collected at the office instead of at home. This will be collected at Dr. Lovely’s office.

I am trying to tell myself that there’s nothing I can do to control this. Even if something does go wrong and he has dead sperm or something in the sample looks bad, we can convert this to an intercourse cycle extremely easily. So there’s a back up plan.

I am just scared that while they do all their warming and centrifuging and washing, etc, his little guys aren’t going to make it. I don’t want to deal with that news. It won’t be the end of the world but it will be very disappointing.

Actually, writing this post made me feel a lot better. The consequences aren’t actually that bad if something goes wrong, when I stop to think about it. I love this blog!

So, overall…yay trigger day!

CD 15 follicle report

Everything is still too small to trigger, but I have a juicy follicle on each ovary, both right around 16 mm (twins! twice the chance it will work! thank you ovaries!).

I go back on Thursday and assuming they keep growing, we’ll trigger and have the IUI on Friday, late morning or early afternoon. So I’ll probably come in to work Friday morning and take the rest of the day off after the IUI. It works out perfectly. I have no plans this weekend so I can just lie around getting pregnant!

We have been abstaining since my 12/31 scan. Dr. Lovely (I got to see her! More on that later) said to have intercourse tonight because she doesn’t want A abstaining for 7 days. Apparently that’s worse than only having 2.5-3 days worth of sperm. So I’m a bit nervous about that since we had so many sperm issues with him. It would have been nicer if it worked out to an even 5 days or so right before the IUI, but that’s not the case and it’s out of my hands.

Overall, I’m very happy with the way this is working out.

I did ask to see Dr. Lovely. I haven’t seen her since my initial consultation in November, and I deal exclusively with her nurses (over the phone) and her ultrasound techs who monitor my cycles. They run everything past her, but really they run the ship. This is probably very different from going to an RE, but I don’t mind it. Dr. Lovely has really incredible, sensitive, and supportive staff, unlike my last OBGYN whose staff was incompetent. They deal with a lot of infertility and PCOS and they know all the right things to say.

I was still freaking out about the bicornuate uterus and I wanted to talk to the doctor. She repeated the higher chance of miscarriage and pre-term labor, but overall said to stop worrying. She has two patients right now with that problem -- one delivered a bit early but was fine, one had to go on bed rest to stop pre-term labor but is now at 32 weeks and fine. The baby is breech and she’ll have to have a c-section, but no biggie. (the funny thing is, I think I actually know who she’s talking about, creepy huh?)

Most importantly, she told me to ignore any statistics on the internet (huge sigh of relief).

And, while I was there, I saw all the fliers sitting out for my Resolve support group, which starts next week! Hoorays all around.

repeat after me: what doesn't kill us makes us stronger (right kids?)

A girl at work, let's call her Annie, is pregnant. She and her boyfriend have been living together for a few years. She came into work this morning showing off her beautiful new engagement ring -- he proposed on NYE -- and then at the end of the day told me she was pregnant. Holy shit! Spread out your good news, don't give it to me all at once!

No but seriously she is a great girl. I honestly can say I am happy for her and I know she'll be a good mom.

I also really respect the way she told me. She knows a vague tiny bit about my circumstances. She pulled me aside and told me first because she didn't want me to find out as part of the group. First she just looked at me like she had something to say and couldn't say it, but I knew what it was because I thought I had overheard a friend saying the word "sonogram" at her desk earlier. Then she told me and started crying.
I gave her a hug and we took a little walk.

I am not happy about the fact that I have to go into work every day for the next 8 months and witness her pregnancy as it runs its course. But I know that she will handle our awkward situation as tactfully and considerately as she can. And that will make the imminent sonograms, name discussions, boy/girl discoveries, office baby showers, etc much more bearable.

I was so desperate for the people at work to know that I CAN HANDLE THIS, that I made some crappy awkward comment that made my boss think for a moment that I was pregnant, too. So then I had to stand there and say no, I'm not pregnant. Goddamnit.

Annie said that she really admires me and A seeking treatment. She said she knows it must be hard. Apparently her future-sister-in-law has been trying for three years but won't go to the doctor to see what's wrong. I guess when Annie told her she was pregnant she wouldn't even look at her and she said something about how disgusted she is. TTC for 3 years is enough to make anyone callous and crazy, but seriously, go to the goddamn doctor.

So after work I cried to my husband, then I got pissed at him and hung up on him (because he told me to -- you guessed it -- BE POSITIVE!). Then I cried to my mom. Then I cried in the bathroom before yoga class. Then I cried a little at the end of yoga class. Then I got home and REALLY cried to A, and we made up.

Now I think I'm done crying.

Follie check tomorrow morning. Trigger shot???

scared shitless

It has been a couple of days and I am still worried about the heart-shaped uterus diagnosis. I am going back and forth between panicking and thinking everything will be just fine. Of course there’s no way to know either way, but that doesn’t keep me from obsessing over it, right?

I actually have done very little googling. All I have read is this Wikipedia page. It scared me to my bones when I read this sentence:

Recurrent pregnancy loss: the reproductive potential of a bicornuate uterus is usually measured by live birth rate (also called fetal survival rate). This rate is estimated around 63% for a bicornuate uterus.^[3]

WHAT?

I need advice.

this pretty much says it all.

(image source)